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% chance of saving relationship if wayward won't help

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Buster123 posted 7/8/2019 17:49 PM


The1stWife posted 7/8/2019 17:59 PM

Please go find another girlfriend who really cares about you.

This girlfriend doesnít.

Phantasmagoria posted 7/8/2019 18:35 PM

HOWEVER, she allows ZERO discussions, questions, etc. about her infidelity. She expects me to recover on my own and me to save our relationship

Thatís not a relationship, thatís a dictatorship!

She is treating you this way because she anticipates you will allow it. And by tolerating being treated in this way, you yourself clearly need help to establish much stronger boundaries.

I know itís tough to separate feelings and be totally objective, but if you could step outside of your situation and look back in you would see that her attitude is just not conducive to a healthy relationship, before even tackling the issues that caused her to choose to cheat in the first place.


still-living posted 7/8/2019 18:47 PM

Zero. If you don't understand this, then you don't understand what you are missing in a relationship.

[This message edited by still-living at 6:47 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

nekonamida posted 7/8/2019 19:11 PM


Even if you do everything right from this point forward, rugsweep and forgive her without her ever lifting a finger, there's still a very high chance that you won't even keep the relationship. There are people here whose WS cheated for decades who were blindsided with divorce papers when their WS finally wanted to leave for an AP. Or you will wake up one day and be completely out of love with her. It never works.

sillyoldsod posted 7/9/2019 03:26 AM

She expects me to recover on my own and me to save our relationship

RCR you say you're still 'very much in love with her'. What qualities about her do you love? Clearly EMPATHY isn't high up the list of those qualities!

Buddy you're 53 years old. You've had a lot of life experience. You can't just singlehandedly reconciliate with someone who has betrayed you in the worst possible way. Why would you want to?

Has anyone seen anything anywhere that would have statistics on what the chances of successful recovery and reconciliation where ONLY the betrayed individual works to save it. about NO! That is unless the betrayed individual is willing to betray themselves.



fooled13years posted 7/9/2019 07:59 AM

Even a strong, healthy relationship needs both people to participate in order to keep it that way.

Crushed7 posted 7/9/2019 08:23 AM

IF she comes to a point where she sees that the A points to issues inside of herself, takes responsibility, does the work to deal with her hidden character gap and, as a result, gains some empathy and actually starts acting with real remorse, then there is a chance. Until then, whatever "relationship" exists is just rugsweeping and lining up for more pain.

sisoon posted 7/9/2019 09:01 AM

You heal you. She heals herself. Together, you heal/build/rebuild your relationship - if that's what both of you want.

It looks like your GF may be working on herself in IC, and that may pay dividends for you - if she does the work to change from betrayer to good partner.

I suggest printing off this:

Give the printout to your GF, and askher to read it. If it doesn't change her behavior, then you'll be in a position of wanting very different things.

And if you want very different things, why not split, amicably or not?

Obviously, this is easier said than done....

ThisIsSoLonely posted 7/9/2019 09:28 AM

I can't give you statistics but IMO the answer is the odds are whatever your tolerance level of more betrayal and lying is.

This. In all honesty even where the WS is attempting to work on the relationship R is still not overwhelmingly successful. My WH has been going to IC for 9 months now and while he's made some strides forward, he's still a liar (not all the time but lying comes naturally to him and he has a very hard time talking about why with me), still very selfish, still very defensive (although in that regard he has changed quite a bit - that would be the biggest change IMO - he's much less defensive than before and when it happens it ends much faster).

We are not in R - we are in waiting for the convenient time for me to leave as I have decided that he is not interested enough in making changes (or maybe I'm not patient enough - IDK anymore) and that it's simply not enough for me. In all likelihood you will reach a point where you simply don't want it anymore if they don't want it enough to help you heal.

All that being said, my WH has been willing to talk about the A and the aftermath, sometimes easily and sometimes reluctantly but he rarely brings it up himself and admits that sometimes he feels disdain towards me for bringing it up. He has said this and immediately thereafter said "Me feeling disdain is ridiculous right? What is wrong with me?" Believe it or not, these types of comments are progress...and you know how long it's taken for us to get to this point where he still feels disdain towards me for HIS A but can recognize how stupid and illogical that is? 2 YEARS!!! Where your partner isn't willing to take the first step regarding admitting to anyone nevertheless talking to you, the victim about it, they may never get as far as my WH, and my WH isn't nearly far enough for me. I'm guessing your partner has similar feelings and if they can't get beyond that, then there is zero change IMO for YOU to have the relationship you want with them even if they stop cheating and lying. But of course, that is just my opinion.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:35 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

bookworm19 posted 7/9/2019 09:42 AM

I'm so sorry you have a reason to ask this question. The first thing it came to mind was a funny book about cats I read some time ago. The first sentence was:

A recent census taken among cats shows that approximately 100 % percent are neurotic. That estimate is probably on the low side.

Reconciliation is a hard and exhausting process with a really remorseful partner. With a partner like your GF the success percentage would be 0 %. And i guess that estimate is probably on the high side.

Don't let this person bully you into marrying her, please listen to people with a lot of collective wisdom and too much experience.

Pippin posted 7/9/2019 12:27 PM

I'm a WW.

There is a zero% chance of saving the relationship if she's not interested in saving the relationship because a relationship needs two people.


she IS going to a therapist of her own now to address and stop her lying, which is a definite positive, but she isn't speaking with her therapist about her infidelity.

Hiding is lying. Denying your reality is lying. Failing to acknowledge reality is lying.

I hope you are able to begin to heal. I'm sorry you're here.

cocoplus5nuts posted 7/9/2019 14:58 PM

You can certainly stay with her, and even get married. You won't be 3to reconcile or fix your relationship.

Since you are not married, I suggest you dump her. You've got better things to do than spend your time with a lying, cheating asshole.

Lemondrop10 posted 7/9/2019 15:07 PM

Zero. I tried for many, many years. Took me way too long to realize there wasnít even a relationship to save, just a fantasy I made up in my head. Donít waste your time on someone who isnít willing or able to work on the relationship issue that they are responsible for creating. There is most likely only more pain in this for you.

ZenMumWalking posted 7/9/2019 15:47 PM

Zero. NEXT!!!

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