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% chance of saving relationship if wayward won't help

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RockClimbRanger posted 7/8/2019 14:17 PM

Lots of articles and blogs by professionals about saving a relationship and how important it is for both parties to be involved in the betrayed's recovery/healing to enable saving the relationship.

Has anyone seen anything anywhere that would have statistics on what the chances of successful recovery and reconciliation where ONLY the betrayed individual works to save it.

My girlfriend (50) had a short term (30 days) but sexually intense infidelity where she also was testing the waters for some emotional connection.

I (53) discovered 1 month after it ended. Many many lies, denials, trickle truths, new discoveries about the infidelity, etc. followed for the next 9 months.

She wants me to be able to recover/heal, she frequently professes her love for me and wants the relationship saved, she wants marriage for us and happiness together forever. HOWEVER, she allows ZERO discussions, questions, etc. about her infidelity. She expects me to recover on my own and me to save our relationship

She is unwilling to go to couples counseling. She IS going to a therapist of her own now to address and stop her lying, which is a definite positive, but she isn't speaking with her therapist about her infidelity.

I want to save our relationship as well. I have been all-in, open, honest, supportive and non-judgemental in our relationship since day one. Fell very hard in love with her, and am still very much in love with her. BUT, I have never felt this type of devastation. I have always been very strong and had strong broad shoulders for issues of my own, of my friends, and of my loved ones.

It took me by surprise how hard the infidelity hit me and how debilitating it is.

Her complete unwillingness to participate in my recovery/healing is making it extremely to recover, to deal with the triggers and episodes. It leaves so many questions, needs, reaffirmations unaddressed. All that combined with the many lies and trickle truths, sends me back to Dday with each new discovery and lie.

I would love to see somewhere what experts say about the % of times when people in my situation make it through a recovery that enables saving the relationship.

[This message edited by RockClimbRanger at 5:56 PM, July 19th (Friday)]

Catwoman posted 7/8/2019 14:20 PM

I can tell you from personal experience that this does not and will not work.

The BS is not the one who needs to challenge their thinking, change their behaviors and put in the hard work to heal themselves, their partner and the relationship.

If the WS will not commit to doing the hard work, digging deep for the "whys" of their behavior and challenging their current behaviors and working to substitute better ones (i.e. telling the truth instead of lying), this relationship is doomed.

It's like putting up half of a roof and expecting everything to stay dry.


Adaira posted 7/8/2019 14:20 PM

Gonna go out on a limb here and say 0%.

Adlham posted 7/8/2019 14:25 PM

Not an expert, just a survivor.

I'd say the chances are slim to none.

And slim is out of town.

sigma1299 posted 7/8/2019 14:30 PM

I can't give you statistics but IMO the answer is the odds are whatever your tolerance level of more betrayal and lying is.

Seriously, there's not a relationship to save. She killed it. That doesn't mean the two of you might not be able to have another, different, one; but the one you had is gone. And, honestly it got you betrayed, do you really want it back?

If she won't look what she did in the face, take ownership of it, and commit to do the work incumbent upon the WS then there's no reason to hang around, she'll just do it again... and again... and again... until someone makes her face consequences.

I get that at 50+ no one wants to bail on what was previously a promising relationship but it would take a hell of a lot from her to convince me to marry her.

Oh and FWIW I'm a WS myself. I know full well the work she has to do fix what SHE broke. Best of luck.

Marie2792 posted 7/8/2019 14:38 PM

I canít tell you the statistic but I agree that the chances are slim to none. The WS has to do the heavy lifting. Your GF is doing none of it. She isnít even being honest about in therapy, which should be her safe place to discuss and break down her psyche. Add to that her unwillingness to talk to you about any of it and youíre left with an unremorseful selfish cheater who is in denial about the damage she has caused.

As a BS with a remorseful spouse who did the work after several scattered infidelities, trust me. I could never have done this if he wasnít taking responsibility and being proactive about our recovery.

squid posted 7/8/2019 14:38 PM

From my own experience, I'd say zero to none.

I would also say that you fell in love with an illusion. The lying, deceitful person you see now is the real person under the mask.

If she's not willing to take a cold, hard look at herself there's no way she will change.

Good luck.

WhoTheBleep posted 7/8/2019 14:44 PM


Oldwounds posted 7/8/2019 14:54 PM

Only you know what you'll accept, that's where the real percentage is.

She is correct in that you have to heal yourself, but she's wrong that she doesn't need to help heal the relationship. And most important, if she isn't dealing with WHY she needs the validation of more than one partner at a time, then she can't possibly be a safe partner for you.

You can't wish away the problems, they have to be repaired or you're setting yourself up to be hurt again.

StillLivin posted 7/8/2019 15:04 PM

You won't be saving the relationship all by yourself, you'll be successfully rugsweeping. Right now, with her being unremorseful, and that's what this is, make no mistake about it, you have absolutely zero chance of "saving " the relationship. Not only that, but you're setting yourself up to be cheated on again when you impose no consequences. Consequences should be discussions, talking to a counselor for help figuring out why and how she could give herself permission to have an affair, giving you a timeline of events, answering ANY and all questions you have, and an attitude of wanting to do whatever possible (within reason of course) to make you feel safe again, sending a no contact letter to the AP, and complete transparency.
Right now she's only sorry she got caught. You're still in shock and still trying to process the trauma of her betrayal. Completely understandable. However, the best thing you can do to save your relationship is to pack her shit and tell her to GTFO until she can give you all of the above-mentioned and whatever else you feel you need. She will either find genuine remorse, or she won't. You, however, will k ow exactly just how much you're relationship really means to her by her actions. It's a gamble, but you will have absolutely zero doubts.
It takes two to make a relationship work. You cannot do it alone. But one person can obliterate a relationship all by themselves. Right now, she lit a dynamite stick, so SHE should be the one doing everything she can to put the pieces back together. Anything less means doormat status for you. Is that acceptable?

sewardak posted 7/8/2019 15:07 PM

Ya gotta ask yourself why youíd want to.

36yearsgone posted 7/8/2019 15:09 PM

I agree with everyone saying that the chance of saving a relationship with only the betrayed spouse working on it is ZERO.

This doesn't mean the couple will get a divorce; they will likely have a worse relationship than they had after the affair.

One think I learned from my Wife's affair is that she caused the mess and it is incumbent on her to clean it up.

Anything less than the Wayward's total commitment to work their ass off to regain trust and reconcile the marriage in a proper way will ultimately be useless.

Anything the BS does to stay in the relationship can result in giving all the power back to the betrayer.

It takes two to resolve the problem, but it takes one to start the resolution, and that is the wayward.

LostHope8008 posted 7/8/2019 15:52 PM

It really boggles my mind why a GF/BF would want to stay in a relationship after infidelity? I truly just don't get it, which is why I usually skip the posts where the WS/BS is not married.

Dude, in this example, not only did she cheat, she is completely unremorseful. I know it sucks for you right now, but one day you will be looking back and be very happy this happened before you got legally involved with her. Or else, one day you will be looking back and saying to your divorce attorney "I should've known this would happen again".

survrus posted 7/8/2019 15:53 PM


She committed one of the biggest crimes ever committed against you and now expect to continue to lie to you by omission and minimization?

There is no chance of recovery do you even know who the OM is? If you do expose him to everyone in his life.

Unhinged posted 7/8/2019 15:54 PM

One cannot reconcile alone.

J707 posted 7/8/2019 16:00 PM

I would say zero. And if she won't address her own issues she is bound to repeat her own history.

Odonna posted 7/8/2019 16:06 PM

One can always stay with a wayward spouse or gf, but that is not "saving the relationship." That is just staying with an unrepentant person at high risk of cheating again, and hoping against hope that it won't happen. But probably it will, because she is not doing any work to find out why she did it once (that you know of).

Read Linda MacDonald's book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair." It is short and very insightful - a recipe-book for what you need to look for and what she needs to do. Mark it up where it resonates most with you and give it to her with a deadline to read it in 48 hours (it is very short). If she does, you may see some big changes right away. If she refuses to read it or pooh-poohs its advice, that is a huge red flag all by itself.

fareast posted 7/8/2019 16:23 PM

I would say zero. Anything else is just rugsweeping IMO.

DevastatedDee posted 7/8/2019 16:30 PM

I don't know you, but unless you are a thoroughly horrible sociopathic puppy drowning complete piece of shit, you deserve better than this in a relationship.

Why do you want to be with a woman who disrespects you this way? Seriously, what is it that keeps you in this? She should be BEGGING you to stay and giving you whatever you need to help heal. You stay and you are forever the secondary person in this relationship and she knows that she can do anything she wants to you and it won't matter.

Butforthegrace posted 7/8/2019 16:30 PM

In the words of a good friend, your chance of recovering in those circumstances is "zip point shit". She is demanding that you rug-sweep the A. Rug sweeping always comes back to bite in the arse.

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