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How has the A changed you?

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Tallgirl posted 7/8/2019 05:09 AM

Someone recently commented that I have changed. I was taken back for two reasons, it felt like a negative statement and they know about the affair. I honestly expected a supportive not a negative view.

I may have a sharper edge for certain things but I think I am more understanding as well. I feel like I am the same person just less trusting, less tolerant of lies or bad behaviour and I do feel less happy. This comment bothers me because perhaps I canít see it.

How have you changed? What have people said to you or observed? How can you not change - seriously..... How do you even know?

I am not sure anyone can go through infidelity and not be changed. Everything you knew ďwasnítĒ and so many fundamentals in your life have been ripped away or broken.

yep, this is bugging me. I would very much like to hear your thoughts on this. I wonder if Iíve lost the good parts of myself.

Marie2792 posted 7/8/2019 05:27 AM

I trust other people less than I did before. My patience is very thin and I call everyone out in their bullshit. The only people exempt from this are my kids and my nieces and nephews.

I refuse to be a fool again for anyone.

destroyed1 posted 7/8/2019 05:36 AM

I'm 2.5 years out from dday

I had a mini stroke on dday, now I have tourettes

Developed CPTSD, due to events from dday

After a year of too much stress I developed GAD

My short-term memory is shit

Those are things that I cant do much about. Just try to reduce my stress levels throughout the day.

My screen name is Destroyed1. Thats because 2 people tried to destroy me. It almost worked, many times over these last few years.

Even though I was Destroyed, I worked HARD to dig myself out of this mess and figure out things about this stuff that nobody knows.

I've lost 100 pounds and have kept it off. I'm sitting at 16% BF and I dont even work out.

I've written 4 songs that I plan to bring to the recording studio in 2020. I think 3 of them are good enough to get on the radio and will work that as a goal in 2020.

I'm writing 2 different books. 1 about infidelity and 1 book about humans and sex. These 2 books may be available as ebooks. I dont plan to publish them.

Also going to write another book about how to heal from low self-esteem and addiction. This book I do plan to publish. This will be my best work. The way I can help the most people in the event the music doesnt take off as planned.

Ever wonder why cheaters always say the exact same things? ..... I know why! I will share that someday.

I was stuck in fight or flight for 2 years. This has given me a viewpoint of how the brain works better than most anyone on this planet.

I was already in a pretty good place financially, but I have doubled my net worth within the last 2 years.

You know what?

I'm just getting started!

[This message edited by destroyed1 at 6:29 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

ibonnie posted 7/8/2019 06:36 AM

I can't fall asleep most nights. I toss and turn and there's lots of nights I maybe get three or four hours of sleep.

I have nightmares, more often than ever before.

I'm way, way more forgetful than I was pre-A. Like, confirm I'll do something that morning, and completely and totally forget that afternoon and just not show up. It's embarrassing because I was so on the ball before.

I can't read like I used to, which makes me terribly sad. I used to be able to easily get through a couple hundred pages in a day. Now I can read two. TWO! Two pages. It's hard for me to focus or remember more than that. This is the one that makes me saddest of all, because I've always loved to read.

Blehhhhhch. Infidelity sucks.

deephurt posted 7/8/2019 06:57 AM

Iím 4 years from last tt 5 from initial dday

I have ptsd

I have hyperthyroidism which my doctor says lies dormant and a long period of stress and/or not eating will awaken it-check on both.

I trust no one

I drink a lot more alcohol that I ever have but no, thankfully, I am not an alcoholic.

I have the opposite of making more money, I lost customers and havenít got them back so Iím making less money -trying to turn that around

I have no interest in socializing

I find I donít want to go out anymore except to see our son and grandson

I am more negative

I feel like I am waiting for another show to drop a lot of the time

I have less concentration and donít have a good memory anymore

Iíve lost a lot of muscle and feel extremely weak - I have an anemia on and off for the last five years and am super tired most of the time.

northeasternarea posted 7/8/2019 07:36 AM

I believe all the things we experience, positive or negative, change us. This experience taught me that I must keep God first. I have learned the value of self care. ĎNoí is a complete sentence. When someone tells me that I have changed, I take it as a compliment.

Queen posted 7/8/2019 07:46 AM

My first thought was "I hope I've changed!"

Before, I just made myself smaller and smaller...trying not to have opinions or needs. I nearly disappeared!

Things that I'm currently keeping an eye on as I continue healing:

Trust issues with women. My ex left me for the OW who was a "friend" of mine. I've managed to work through the trust issues with men for the most part.

Hobbies. I'm finally starting to develop some new ones but it took years for me to get to that point.

Boundaries. I suppose boundaries may be a lifelong effort. I'm less tolerant of bad behavior and am more likely to call people out on the lies (even the ones they tell themselves). I see this as a good thing because it helps me live a more peaceful life.

Cynicism. I have to be really careful not to pop someone else's "hopeful" bubble. It's not fair to them when I don't really know what the outcome will be.

Justsomeguy posted 7/8/2019 08:44 AM

Where to start? I am definitely not the old me. A good portion of the old me has died. I used to be hard working, positive, funny, fun to be around. I would play practical jokes, sing at work,a d yge really have fun. Now I just function on autopilot. Colleagues comment on how they miss the old me. I sit alone at lunch, I dont have interests anymore, I ruminate, obsess, and have a lot of antisocial behaviours. I havent felt joy or happiness in years. I have no patience, display all the classic PTSD behaviours. Other than that, I'm doing well.

rugswept posted 7/8/2019 09:00 AM

you shouldn't have to ask that question.

we were handed emotional homicide. we were killed as killed could get without ending our life. it was an emotional near death experience.

of course we're changed, forever. some of us will hide it better than others, that's all. i'll never criticize anyone who can't help but show it.

i lived the sham, for decades, of everyone thinking what a really nice W i've got. all the family events, all the socials with friends, etc. no one ever knew. at times i wish they had.

totallydumb posted 7/8/2019 09:01 AM

Shortly after dday, I lost 65 lbs. I had a couple of medical issues that were brought on by stress that has resulted in 2 surgeries.

I am much less tolerant of others lies and bullshit. I view others relationships very cynically. I tend to see the negative in a potential outcome rather than the positive. I was never like this before.

landclark posted 7/8/2019 09:31 AM

The good -

I'm more in tune with myself. I am better able to express my needs and feelings. I'm able to do this in a fairly healthy way. I'm able to force issues. I am less likely to let my WH off the hook in our relationship. Things that were huge before are less huge now. I am able to say this is big but this is not, and focus my energy in better ways. My WH and I are connecting in ways we lost long ago because he had checked out of the relationship to focus on his EAs. I'm able to demand better, and know that I truly deserve better.

The bad -

I have been surprised at how much rage I can feel. Surprised at how deeply I can hurt, emotionally and physically. I have nightmares often. I have very little trust in him in any way at this point. I question every motive. Movies and music that he shared with others that he wouldn't have even known about if not for me are bitter for me now. Facebook memories which were once happy are bitter for me now. I question why I was so stupid and didn't push my gut feelings long ago. I am less focused at work.

I know some of the good/bad contradict each other, but I feel like I'm a different person day to day now because of the rollercoaster.

There is a lot more, but that's just off the top of my head.

Edited to say Iíve also seen ways I can be a better lover/partner. Not taking any responsibility for his affairs, but I can definitely use this as a growth opportunity.

[This message edited by landclark at 10:38 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

Notmine posted 7/8/2019 10:48 AM

Negative consequences:
Trust less than I did before, which wasn't much.
Hard for me to be completely carefree
More anxious...waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I trigger and become sad and infuriated at least 2 times per week (4 years out).
I have a resentment against both OW and FWH that I am burdened with still.
I am a cynic about love...hard for me to be positive.
I now know that the fairly tale does not exist.

Positive Consequences:
I have PTSD from childhood as well as from affair. I now understand what is truly an emergency. I do not get angry about last minute changes or less than perfection from myself or my family.
I have learned how to deal with stress and anxiety better.
I have dropped weight and take much better care of myself...won't be caught unprepared again.
I have learned that I can get through anything.
I am stronger.
I can ask for help.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 7/8/2019 10:57 AM

I'm not the same person anymore. But in a lot of ways it's for the better. I do not put up with people's bullshit. I speak my mind. I am no longer this quiet little mouse. I have conquered my social anxiety. I have realized my self worth and am going through tremendous personal growth. I no longer allow my WH to get on his soapbox and cut him down when he tries. I've been through too much the past several years and simply won't stand for it. I have distanced myself emotionally, not completely but my feelings are no longer the same nor will they ever be again.

But there's the negatives. I can't focus. I still am struggling to find joy in doing creative things. I no longer believe in love or marriage. I don't trust most people anymore. Some days I barely eat anything. I still am in therapy and on xanax and I'm sick of both but they are still necessary.

Infidelity is a life changing experience, no matter which route a BS decides to take after DDay. Unfortunately it seems those huge changes occur within us more than a WS it seems. I guess you have to be on the receiving end of such tremendous heartbreak for that to happen.

The1stWife posted 7/8/2019 11:05 AM

More self confident.


Less tolerant of behavior I donít like - and willing to say so no matter what. Even if it results in a fight. Before the Affair I avoided confrontation. Now I never hide from it.

Developed my own social life apart from him.

Money in the bank and have my own nest egg. Not joint $ but my own $.

Lemondrop10 posted 7/8/2019 11:24 AM

I donít trust anyone. I have PTSD. I work too much and have to keep myself busy constantly to avoid anxiety. Even so, I still have panic attacks a few nights each week. I am irritable and get angry much quicker. I cry very easily. I shop way too much.

But I am also rediscovering who I am. Iím enjoying making my own decisions and figuring out what I am interested in. I am slowly gaining my self respect back and learning to stand up for myself.

OrdinaryDude posted 7/8/2019 12:25 PM

I am far less trusting, giving, or tolerant of people.

I'll call people on their bullshit, even at work, bosses don't ask me questions much anymore because they're afraid to hear the truth and get their feelings hurt, lol.

WW gets far less leeway with her attitude, just yesterday she gave me attitude for no reason and she caught hell from me the rest of the day...actually told her to fuck off in front of our adult kids.

I was one of the most easy going guys you would ever meet, would go out of my way to help you...but most of that is gone now, I don't want to be involved in others' problems after what I've been through, its odd that I would still want to post here, but I feel the need to for a lot of reasons.

Some days I really don't like who I've become.

self-rescuer posted 7/8/2019 12:33 PM

I've changed in so many ways.

My relationships are so much richer and my discernment strong. My priorities have all shifted and I seldom waste days. I have a deeper self confidence. Mostly I feel like I now understand the true unpredictability of life and that we must be students.

There are three lasting negative ramifications (that I fear will be with me till the end). My sleep seems permanently disrupted. I miss sleep. Even almost 8 years out I still startle too easily. And trust in intimate relationships is tough. It's getting better but damn - when you are betrayed by your most beloved, healing that trust part of your brain is difficult.

AbandonedGuy posted 7/8/2019 15:27 PM

The Good: more outgoing than ever before, more giving, more empathetic, trying out lots of new things

The Bad: less trust for people (and if I'm being honest, especially for women, but only because I'm not interested in men and I see shades of my ex in most of them), background loneliness that won't leave

The Ugly: I feel as if nothing I do matters and stopped planning for a future I don't even give a shit about, i.e. hardcore nihilism

StillLivin posted 7/8/2019 19:33 PM

I am more confident and have tons of self worth now. I am stronger. I will never again be that weak woman putting up with shit I didnt deserve because I didn't think I could do better. I have no problem being alone anymore. I am kinder, more understanding, and more empathetic for other victims. I love myself now.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 7/8/2019 21:40 PM

I am overly emotional. I have more trust issues than ever. I constantly question peopleís motives. I wonder when I see people who is a BS and who is a WW. I prefer not to leave the house. I hated my job before but it can hardly stand it now.
Edit to add a weird frustrating thing-now when Iím extremely stressed I become so tired I can barely keep my eyes open but that hasnít translated to sleeping well at night.

[This message edited by Thanksgiving2016 at 9:48 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

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