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Not sure where to even start

ladyinwaiting posted 5/13/2019 16:40 PM

I was (unfortunately) here years ago while in a different relationship...since then I am 7 years into a new relationship and 5 years married. He tells everyone he meets that he is finally with his perfect woman and insanely happy. In public everyone thinks we are the perfect couple.

I have known from the start that my husband is difficult to deal with. He suffered unspeakable trauma much of his childhood that has him emotionally stunted. Professionally heís a genius and extremely successful. Personally, he has been married several times any many relationships. I already know Iím we were incredibly drawn to each other. Itís never been an easy relationship...but when it was good it was very good. Though it could get bad with little to no warning. Iíve been reading about narcissism and heís almost textbook NPD.

We are in the middle of a relocation due to his job and once again, out of the blue...things are awful again. Heís staying in one state while Iím trying to get the house sold in another. Week before last he came home for the weekend and left angry (I still have no idea why). He did not call me for an entire week. Heís notorious for his silent treatments, although they usually donít last this long. We had to meet in another state Friday for a family event and weíre supposed to stay for the entire weekend. Suddenly we were only staying one day because flights were cheaper.

We arrived at the airport and had a weather delay. We had a short flight together and then were splitting up on different flights to go back, him to work and me back home. While sitting there waiting I began to experience a horrific pain on my right side that got progressively worse. I thought it might be my gallbladder, then when I started vomiting I was worried about appendicitis. He was obviously irritated. We finally got on the plane and I was MISERABLE...I could hardy stand the pain. When we were getting ready to land he asked me if I could make my connecting flight and I said I didnít know. He grabbed my hand and literally dragged me through the airport, threw us into a taxi and we went to the ER. When they saw how much pain I was in they brought me straight back. Blood and urine tests suggested a kidney stone. He sat there with arms folded, complaining this was going to cost $20,000 because the hospital was out of network. He was holding his head in his hands and I said ďDo you even love me anymore?Ē He got angry and said ďYes, but this is not the fíing time to discuss this!Ē Everything is always on HIS schedule. The pain finally stopped and I asked to be discharged.

The next day we had flights back home. My flight was at 1:30 and his at 4:45 but different gates. I asked him to wait with me for my flight but he kissed me goodbye and said he had work to do. He left me there, alone, and walked back and never looked back.

The only possible explanation is heís cheating. Heís an IT guru so finding anything on his phone or computer will be next to impossible. He controls all the finances, so thereís no way to hire a PI. I canít follow him because heís in another state. He has cheated in every relationship heís been I donít know why I thought this would be any different.

Can anyone offer me any suggestions. Am I just losing my mind???

devastedone posted 5/13/2019 17:10 PM

So sorry that you are here.

You have been heard.

While I can't comment about whether or not he is cheating, my gentle question for you is do you find it acceptable to be treated this way by the one who is supposed to love and cherish you?

Regardless of whether he is cheating, he is being an ass. Bottom line. Ask yourself if you are worth better (you are, btw).

Strength to you.

survrus posted 5/13/2019 17:32 PM


I feel like I know this guy....

He tells everyone he meets that he is finally with his perfect woman and insanely happy. In public everyone thinks we are the perfect couple.

This is part of his serial cheater script he uses on every women, except he tells the other women this in private.

He suffered unspeakable trauma much of his childhood that has him emotionally stunted.

Likely a major exaggeration or outright lie or a story he stole off some real person, serials cheaters have their excuses prepared ahead of time.

Heís notorious for his silent treatments, although they usually donít last this long.

I'll guess because you've become good at doing whatever he wants to placate him.

He controls all the finances, so thereís no way to hire a PI. I canít follow him because heís in another state. He has cheated in every relationship heís been I donít know why I thought this would be any different.

You're not but it's not your fault, men like him have are addictive, they are of a type similar to pimps.

A marriage requires transparency, get out before you are saddled with $$$ in debt he secretly took out.

Frankly I think guys like him hate women with a passion and are emotionally sadistic.

ladyinwaiting posted 5/13/2019 17:54 PM

Survrus...I agree with everything you said with only one exception...his childhood trauma. That is true. It just so happens that we knew each other back in grade I knew what he went through back then. Being shuffled from boyís homes from age 5, heís been abused in pretty much every way possible. His mother was definitely the worst...and I think he projects his hatred of her on every woman. He probably has not even shared with me the worst that happened to him.

Charity411 posted 5/13/2019 18:56 PM

I think you should be a little more specific about what kind of suggestions you are seeking. It is somewhat confusing to me.

You say you were on this site before regarding infidelity in a previous relationship. You say you have been with him for 7 years but indicate there was an EA 11 years ago. Was that his EA or yours?

If you knew he had cheated in every relationship he had ever been in, and you had been burned by infidelity before, why would you marry someone who you already knew was a serial cheater? Even more, what made you relinquish all control over your finances to him?

Are you trying to save this marriage? Or are you looking for suggestions on how to get out of it? If it's the later, I would suggest you try to get some control over your finances first. You seem certain that he's had other affairs during your marriage but have no proof. If you are being treated like a doormat and want to get out of the marriage, you have no need for proof. You can divorce him because you can't live with being treated this way.

One thing is clear. You would do well to get some counseling to find out why you are making the choices you are making when it comes to men. It's one thing to admit you are co-dependent, and another thing entirely to actually work at breaking free from it. You will continue to attract this in your life if you don't.

sewardak posted 5/13/2019 20:24 PM

This guy has so many red flags Iím wondering what the question is. Fucking run. And figure out why you are in a relationship with someone like this.
Heís cruel. Just why honey?
The fact that he may be cheating pales in comparison to how heís treating you. Again.., RUN!

[This message edited by sewardak at 8:25 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

Beachwalker posted 5/13/2019 20:45 PM

LIW: I must agree with SURVUS. I, too, am a BS to a sex addict who portrayed some of the symptoms you described. She was sexually abused as a child, put on the ďhappy coupleĒ routine when in public but I have read where she said some very hurtful things to friends in private, the gaslighting, deceiving, lying, you name it. But him being abused and so forth does not give him the right to cheat or treat you the way he has. This is all his choice and you share no responsibility for his choices and his actions.

But, you asked for suggestions and this is what I have to throw out there:

1. Get yourself tested for all STIís and HIV. You have no idea of the number of partners he has had nor if they gave him anything. Take care of yourself right now and be sure you are ok.
2. Get yourself to an IC. You have been abused and abandoned, and you need help working through all that. Maybe you could suggest he go with you. I did that with my wife and she went. Now, sheís seeing an IC by herself until she is better. Take care of yourself right now.
3. Do something fun by yourself each week. You have to keep your spirits up and not let all this muck overwhelm you. This is going to be a long road youíre about to walk, whether you end up in R or D, so you will need all your inner strength. Take care of yourself right now.

Notice a theme there?

Iím glad you found us, but Iím sorry you needed to. Just remember that we want to help as much as possible. And donít forget that youíre not alone.

OwningItNow posted 5/13/2019 21:24 PM

What caused his other divorces? If he loses interest in his women, devaluing them and finally leaving, you will not be able to prevent the same from happening to you. But you already know this.

You describe yourself as very codependent which suggests this is a repeat relationship for you as well, most likely always choosing narcissists who treat you badly.

So, I think you know how this ends. It is the codependent in you who hopes it will be different. But that is impossible; the pattern is set.

Did you start out as his AP?

More IC would help. Narcissists don't change. I'm sorry.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 9:24 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

Gumdropped posted 5/13/2019 21:51 PM

Looks like the double whammy, Narcissist and Passive aggressive beyond belief. I was appalled at his treatment of you when you were so ill. If you have left a bad relationship before , you can do it again. Hugs to you Ladyinwaiting.

AbandonedGuy posted 5/14/2019 00:37 AM

Itís never been an easy relationship...but when it was good it was very good. Though it could get bad with little to no warning.

I went through this exact cycle with my narc. It's really hard to detach yourself from this because you see so much potential in it. It's like being served a pizza covered in dog turds and you gobble it all up while telling yourself the sauce and dough are really good.

undertherug posted 5/14/2019 06:13 AM

Sweetie, at the very least you are being emotionally abused. You are in the ER in pain and he is upset with you because of the cost involved? This is not normal behavior. If he treats you this way, how would he treat any future children you might have? It is unthinkable. I am sorry for his childhood abuse; children should never be treated this way. He needs psychological help, but I doubt he would consider it. I would like to suggest a book -- Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them by Susan Forward. It helped me deal with an emotionally abusive husband.

Brennan87 posted 5/14/2019 07:58 AM


Gently, I think you have bigger issues at play than possible infidelity. Don't get me wrong, that could be huge, but the overall treatment IMO borders on emotional abuse.

1) Childhood abuse is a real thing and it can jack the mind up (trust me I know). If compartmentalized and left unhealed, it can and will wreck havoc on the abused persons life and those around them. I was on a self destructive path for decades as a result. He needs to get IC for this. As it generates self loathing, worthlessness, acting out, the list goes on and on.
2) If you are getting the silent treatment on the regular this is abuse. It's his passive/aggressive way of controlling the situation and outcome. I'd give a nickel that when this happens, you end up apologizing to keep the peace (and unclear at times what your apologizing for) as its exhausting. Until the apology is granted you walk on eggshells and once you say "I'm sorry for X" all is right with the world. It's easy to reflect on this and say, stop allowing this behavior, however I know that it can escalate pretty quickly. My advice and this worked for me once I got into therapy and had, had enough. "Hon, I can tell you are upset, when you are ready to talk about this, I am here. Until then, I will not be a party to your silent treatment any longer. I suggest until you are ready to talk that you keep your distance from me." It does work, as it throws them off balance that they no longer can control the narrative.
I'm sorry for the airport behavior. That is unacceptable, unfortunately it has passed and you can't do anything differently.
As for "controlling" the fnances. Do you not have access to any funds at all? Not even 20-30 dollars here and there? If you don't have funds, this too is a big problem about control. I would gently but firmly make the statement you contribute to the household and as such, will need x on a weekly basis. It can be through our joint account or I can set up a separate account, regardless this is my play money. Then you can get a VAR for his vehicle (much cheaper than a PI) and confirm whether or not he is cheating. Plus it will allow you to build up a nest egg in the event he is cheating and you decide to D.

You deserve better, many of us see this here. What will you do to see this as well?


pureheartkit posted 5/14/2019 09:30 AM

Look for Les Carter's online videos on Narcissism. You will understand so much. Yes, when they are choosing to be good, it's fantastic. What about when they aren't trying? It's suffering that no person should put on another. You try and try because you know that inside, they are in pain.

That's the truth. They are in pain under the mask. That pain will lash out and attack you from out of the blue. N wants control above all. They wear the mask to control what others see. You feel magnetically drawn. Like you're the perfect fit. That's the awful part. We love them, want to help them, feel so at peace when it's good. Then it's great, it's euphoric.

That little bit of great comes at a terrible price. Every year you stay, your self esteem wears away. Why do they treat others so well? Why so warm and lovey out in the world and so beastly at home? Why can't they see my pain? Why don't they try? Why why why why............

N usually gets worse over time not better.

They might have a fantastic week or two. Job promotion, vacation, bought something they always wanted. Then it's back to silence, neglect, moodiness for no reason. I'm sad for them, their happiness is like a fix. They run after it but it never seems to satisfy. They can't rest and be peaceful. Everyone is always lesser, everyone's a dumb@$$. The N is never satisfied except in their pleasure of control and getting. Giving isn't their thing unless it's impressing someone, getting praise or admiration.

How to heal them, I don't know. They have to want it but so many will never admit they are even n N in the first place. Counselors are all quacks anyway don't you know? Why didn't you know that? Only the N knows everything. The N is always right trying to convince you you're seeing it wrong.

The N is great at love bombing. It feels like pure euphoria. They can also be super impressive mentally. They project a sparkly fun to be with winning exterior. That's the person who would be great to spend all my time with. They make me feel so good. Until it's not good. You are in it and wonder why you feel so sad every day. Nothing you do is right and you try and try and try.

Please bring your sunshine back I'm fading away.

That sunshine feels so good. You can make your own. You have to. You can't rely on them although it feels wonderful to be given to that way. You can find peace in yourself. You must. you must.

Until you understand this, you will not live in the happiness for which you were intended. I dated two Ns. And worked for one. They are fascinating but so destructive. Ns are out there hunting for empaths and givers and healers. We think we are the one they were waiting for. We are disposable to them. They feel irreplaceable to us but we were groomed to believe it. We wanted to believe it.

Start to look for ways to be happy in your life. Spend more time away from your N and feel peace. Don't you wonder why you don't often feel peace with your N? It's wondering and anxiety and questioning yourself and why they act as they do.
Sure there's moments of delicious bliss but at the expense of most of your life.

Get your money together. Don't spend it on a detective. You're saving it for the life that gives youpeace and tranquility. Once you choose you see what he does. Is he happy for you and supportive? I bet not. I bet he reacts to get you back in control. That's not love.

That's not love
That's not love
That's not love

That's not healthy
That's not healthy
That's not healthy

I want love
I want love

I want healing
I want healing

I want to be valued for my true self and share what I have with those who have a spirit of gratitude and giving back. I want a life of peace and joy. I want stress out of my body so it can operate beautifully and not wear away my organs and peace of mind. I want the life I was meant to have. I have the right to not let others abuse me.

Keep reading, keep watching information and understanding videos.

Above all, know who you are and pursue your happiness. Put your energy and resources there. Take care of your body and exercise to process the stress out. Find people to encourage you on your path to you. I always add spend time in nature. I think nature and sleep are the best healers.

Gumdropped posted 5/14/2019 09:33 AM

and I think he projects his hatred of her on every woman.
This says it all, he is doing this to you.

PeaceLily210 posted 5/14/2019 10:03 AM

LIW, I'm so sorry. My heart aches reading this.

Regardless of cheating, he's abusive to you. You mentioned that this isn't something new. In public he shows a different persona than when alone with you. I'm sure you know that's also textbook NPD.

You know you are co-dependent. Work on that. Work on strengthening your own sense of self and your own boundaries.

I'd be willing to bet that if you walk away from him today, he'll either let you go and discard you, or he'll pull you back in with lots of promises and love bombing only to discard you later on his own terms, because HE cannot be dumped.

You mention the childhood trauma. That makes perfect sense. NPD is often rooted in severe childhood trauma and emotional detachment. He didn't have a mother. He wants one now. But when women expect him to be emotionally available to them, he becomes abusive. That's what he learned. That's what he knows. Yes I agree that he probably subconsciously puts you into the role of his mother, who then needs to be punished somehow.

Whether he can fix this part of himself isn't for you to figure out. It's his issue, and only he can set out to fix it IF he chooses to do so. You can't ever change this. I know the co-dependent inside of you thinks you can somehow love him enough to return to the man you thought you fell in love with. Unfortunately that man was a mask. The man you are seeing now is what was always behind that mask.

You've received some great advice here. Get yourself into IC and figure out why you're in this relationship. Only he can fix him. Only you can fix you. Wishing you peace.

[This message edited by PeaceLily210 at 10:04 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

Catwoman posted 5/14/2019 11:14 AM

Personally, he has been married several times any many relationships.

Red Flag #1.

He has cheated in every relationship heís been in.

Red Flag #2.

Iíve been reading about narcissism and heís almost textbook NPD.

Red Flag #3.

He did not call me for an entire week. Heís notorious for his silent treatments, although they usually donít last this long.

Red Flag #4 (additionally, the silent treatment is a very immature and manipulative way to handle any sort of disagreement).

The cycle of intense love-bombing, constant criticism and then devaluation is textbook NPD.

My suggestion: I would leave his sorry ass and get into IC and figure out why you were attracted to this so intensely (I get it--my former WS is textbook NPD and they are immensely fun and intense . . . except when they're not, which is just as often).

Someone who is NPD or has deeply rooted narcissistic traits does not change. Ever.


ladyinwaiting posted 5/14/2019 11:49 AM

Thank you all for the heartfelt responses. I was a bit loopy yesterday as I spent the entire day passing kidney stones, so very sorry if my post was confusing.

I have already called and set up an appointment for counseling. I know this is something I should have done 30 years ago.

Everything all of you have said is true. He is emotionally abusive and super passive aggressive. To top it off, he has a major drinking problem and this only compounds his issues.

I went to grade school with him, and I remember the lonely, shy boy who wore mismatched clothes and no one wanted to befriend. We all knew he lived in a boyís home. He often came to school with black one did anything about it. He moved away and I did not see him for years, until I spotted him on FB. He had become a very handsome, successful man, and after chatting a bit we met for drinks...and it progressed very quickly into a romance. We were both single, though both newly out of relationships.

Iím wife #4...of course that should have said it all right there. But of course...none of those were HIS fault. 🙄

I have struggled financially my entire adult life. I was a single mom of two with no help from their father. Every day it was a struggle to feed us and keep the lights on. Ten years ago I went to school to get my aesthetics license...but have struggled to get a footing in this field since my husband has moved us 5 times to three different states in the last 6 years. Right after I met him I started developing an array of symptoms, I have some sort of autoimmune disease but they canít pinpoint it. Iíve also developed a serious heart arrhythmia. For the last year itís been almost impossible to work and my husband resents the hell out of that. Mind you...this man is going to exceed $300,000 income this year...the $15,000 I would likely earn would not make much difference. He constantly reminds me that I am not contributing financially. Never mind the fact that I have overseen renovations and moving on 4 houses.

He is extremely responsible with money, much more so than I am. He is always transparent with what we have, I have debit and credit cards, but he is obsessive about knowing where every penny is spent. He pays all the bills and manages the money. At first it was a blessing, after struggling for years it was a breath of fresh air to not have to worry financially any longer.

I do have a small nest egg...but not enough to last long. I want to be smart with this, get my ducks in a row, so when I leave I can do it cleanly. Right now, I want to know if Iím also dealing with infidelity because in my mind that would be the final straw. He has started using DuckDuckGo on his phone and computer so there is no search history. Heís a computer genius who knows how to hide things. I can put a VAR in the car, but heís out of state all week and listens to podcasts or radio and I doubt the battery would last. Iím tempted to use my nest egg to hire a PI but hate to use all of my money on that.

Any other snooping suggestions?

Catwoman posted 5/14/2019 11:56 AM

His treatment of you should be all you really need to end this relationship and move on.

Since he has cheated in all of his relationships, I would just take it as a given he's cheating in this one. It's what he DOES. He believes himself ENTITLED to it.

I think IC would help you with the struggle to leave. Given your situation, I doubt if you will be able to get definitive proof of cheating, but I also think there is NO doubt that it is happening.


pureheartkit posted 5/14/2019 16:17 PM

Sweet lady, why would he resent you taking time off so that you can heal yourself? Money is not wanting. He is too controlling. It is good that he does not waste money but he is making you report every dollar. You're the partner, the other half. You should have half the decision making. I'm worried for you. You need to get the stress out. Your immune system is too stressed. Your body is fighting itself. Do not add more stress. You need rest. When you are well enough, you can find work.

He's constantly moving, changing people and relationships. This is stressful. It's as stressful as not having money or even more so. The drinking is so destructive. That must stop. Imagine what he spends drinking. He should give that amount to you to spend on whatever you like. He's already decided that's disposable income.

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