Update

Evening all, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve been here and apologize to anyone I left hanging. I had to take a break. With that being said, just wanted to post an update:

Five years ago today at 11:53pm I found out my marriage had been burnt to the ground eight months earlier and that my agency had been stolen when I heard the words "I stepped out of our marriage."

What have I gained/learned since then?
1) I returned to school and have one year left before I’ll be a licensed therapist specializing in infidelity and children with trauma.
2) my relationship with my kids is the strongest it’s ever been. I hear them, they hear me.
3) A healthy marriage with communication in it. It’s equal now with both carrying our fair share.
4) The knowledge that blind trust is harmful; trust but verify.
5) the confidence yo know I’m a bad a$$ and no longer take anyone’s BS and if for some reason I’m alone, I’ll be okay.
6) I’m a kinder, less high strung version of myself. I have tried more new things in the past four years than I have in the past 30!
7) insight That scars of infidelity run deep; we’re all damaged by this trauma. We’ll never be the same.

Where am I?
I still have work to do. Those deep scars still carry hurt and pain. I know this because:
1) I have my quarterly purge. A song, a memory or something will set off the water works and I just go purge the tears and pain out until three months later.
2) Every so often, a comment will be made and I have to bite my tongue to keep the thought from being said out loud as a response. As I know that will fo more harm than good.
3) I still have avoided confronting my last triggery place. I know I have too but that fear of falling apart after all this progress scares me. I don’t ever (who does) want to feel that pain again.
3) while the affair is acknowledged every day because I think about it at least once a day in passing. The triggers that hit me emotionally are few and far between. I’m probably down to one every six months. I’m now forgetting details and dates as well.
4) we celebrate our third anniversary this summer (2nd marriage since she burnt number one with a blow torch but would’ve been our 20th) by having a vow ceremony on the beach.

Overall, I’m healthy both physically and mentally. I AM okay. I’m not super great yet but I’m happy with ok. Because 2,3,4 5 years ago I was anything but okay. I will get there. As many greats before me have said; it takes time! It does. We’re on a timeline we don’t own or control.

What helped me?
1 five years of CBT counseling
2 faith in the lord
3) three years of emdr
4) daily if not hourly mindfulness
5) taking back my agency by facing ALL of my triggers head in. (Ok, one is left)
6) having a WW who finally got it and is genuinely remorseful. Who still is making every effort to try and make it up to me.
7 THIS site

Before I close, I want to thank everyone who provided support, empathy, advice and wisdom. I truly wouldn’t have survived if not for all of you. Thank you & god bless.

I hope I can help those who are new to the club in the same ways you all helped me!

8 comments posted: Sunday, February 27th, 2022