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Embrace the Suck

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Skan posted 4/29/2019 21:25 PM

So, here I sit in my Air BnB rental, sipping wine, and feeling the feeling of peace. Which I sorely need. I have no obligations, no ought-tos, no expectations. And thatís a good feeling.
Last Tuesday, after a weekend filled with Broadway hits, an amazing dinner, connection, and fellowship with friends, I found that my WH had turned on his private browser again, and was jerking off to internet god-knows-what. He claims photos and stories, but, hell, who the hell knows? Other than him. Private browser deal breaker. Because his addiction to porn is what led us here, slippery slope skidding down. Day after he got his Prostate cancer diagnosis, he decided that he deserved to get his fantasy fix. Because he ďneeds fantasy.Ē Vice talking to his concerned wife and getting support from her about his father-passed-away-from-prostrate-cancer fears. A very slow growing cancer, that, in consultation with him, his doctor, and I, we all agreed needed to be watched on a 6-month basis, in case, but that was probably no going to cause him problems for decades. Yeah, I understand the fear. Hell, I went through that with breast cancer scares. And I go through that a lot right now with memory loss and DID. But, you have to understand, that he is so fragile and special, that he just canít share that with scary ole me. So, he has to go find comfort on the internet, which, of course, is SO very concerned for the individual person instead of the old, tired, fat, 25+ year married wife, can give him comfort and ego boosts.

Pardon me while I puke. And have another sip of wine.

After all, what right have I to complain? Iím only dealing with my motherís death. My dadís health deteration that Iíve had to go to fly out of state numerous times to deal with long-distance. My diagnosis of high blood pressure and trying to stabilize that. Work going crazy. My best friendís wife passing away from pancreatic cancer across the country from me. My ďbelovedĒ husbands prostate cancer diagnosis after a year of PSI rising rates. But instead of opening up to me about his fears, well, heíd rather have sex with his computer. Mind you, he hasnít touched me in months. Because of his fragile ego. After all, if he actually made a move, well, I might say no/be asleep by the time he came to bed/be in too much pain from my fibromyalgia that it possibly, might not happen.

Iím pouring another glass now. A slight pause in the typing.

So here I sit in my Air BnB rental. I have it until Friday. I just left. After all, I can rent another place. Let him take care of the cats that he wanted. It means that he actually has to go home, whatever home means. Left my ďrecommitmentĒ ceremony ring on his computer. Emailed that I would be available to talk about potential scenarios on Saturday, about what we both wanted and needed in our lives. That I didnít know when Iíd be back. Practical situations, I need to stay on his insurance for 4.5 years until I get medicare. I need to stay in our retirement home because I cannot afford to stay in this area otherwise. And all of my support is here, so moving is not an option. Maybe a marriage on paper is what is in the cards. I donít know. Maybe we can negotiate something. I donít know. What I do know is that I will not give up my life, my lifestyle, what I have fought, saved, and worked for, unless absolutely necessary for my soul. I can get to indifference and be a housemate if I need to. I can have a fulfilling life without him being more than a sidenote to it, if I need to. I know me. I can totally do this. I have the capability to put a knife into this and cut life into then and now. And go forward. It will hurt, but pain and I are old frienemies. I know what the suck looks like and I can embrace it like a long lost brother.

But for right now, while I regroup and plan, I have a clean, safe, unpolluted place to be. Just simply be. I can hear the neighborhood children playing. I hear the sounds of people living out their lives. My temporary sanctuary is dark and the only light is that of a computer screen. And I can feel peace for tonight and face tomorrow, tomorrow.

And I have another bottle of wine in the refrigerator. Cheers.

Bestthing posted 4/29/2019 21:51 PM

I am sorry your H cannot stay clear of his addiction. It doesnít sound like he wants help. It is his loss. I am wishing you strength.

Tallgirl posted 4/29/2019 22:15 PM

((((Skan ))))

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. You have fought so hard and so long for your M. You deserve to be happy.

Your H needs treatment for his addiction.

I am glad that you have a few days to yourself to gather your strength.

Big hugs. Do what is right for you.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 4/29/2019 22:22 PM

OMG Dear Lady . I just knew you were going to give some great words of wisdom when I saw your name on this thread...and I am shocked at this post!

I have no words...but I do have lots of (((HUGS))) for you.

OneInTheSame posted 4/30/2019 00:31 AM


I'm sorry . . . . . I have no words.
Sigh . . .

BearlyBreathing posted 4/30/2019 01:01 AM

(((skan))). Addictions are a nasty evil. I am glad you are looking after yourself and taking time to think through what is best for you. And I am sorry.

Thissucks5678 posted 4/30/2019 08:16 AM

(((Skan))) I am sorry.

cocoplus5nuts posted 4/30/2019 08:24 AM

I am so sorry your H fucked up again. But, it sounds like you are in a good place. Enjoy your peace.

Chaos posted 4/30/2019 11:23 AM

So freaking sorry.

Zamboni posted 4/30/2019 11:33 AM


I am so very sorry your WH has betrayed you yet again. I know how much that hurts, especially when they repeatedly let us down.

I am so sad for you.

BrokenheartedUK posted 4/30/2019 11:55 AM


Take care of yourself. Do you. And FTG.

crazyblindsided posted 4/30/2019 12:43 PM

(((Skan))) Oh I'm so sorry to read this. Sending you hugs today. Keep the focus on you my dear. I will raise a glass with you.

minusone posted 4/30/2019 12:53 PM

((((SKAN))))) You know..... one day at a time.

noname7 posted 4/30/2019 13:59 PM

(Skan) I'm so sorry !
Remember the basics and take care,of yourself.

lostcovenants posted 4/30/2019 16:05 PM

(((Skan))) I'm so sorry this has happened to you again. They are just so DAMNED selfish! Maybe he can move out and find a place - let him worry about living in a van down by the river. You stay in the retirement home. Quiet and cozy.

hopefulkate posted 4/30/2019 16:56 PM

My heart sank when I saw your name! I donít remember the last time I logged on but this road is bumpy and lonely, so here I am...also Reminding you that you are also not alone. We are here! And Iím sorry your H is an idiot. Iím hoping since this post there has been change some how...but if not I know that you will tell him exactly where to go and what to do.

Afterall, itís no secret that Youíre pretty dang awesome!!! (Fíing amazing is more accurate!!!!!)

Skan posted 4/30/2019 21:28 PM

Thank you all. Still at the Air BnB and listening to the sounds of blessed silence. Just put away a pint of gelato and it was GOOOD! Two cups of tea and now, back to wine.

Nada. I'll give him this, I didn't want to be disturbed while i thought, and I am getting that. Just spilled my guts to my best friend, who just lost her wife to pancreatic cancer. I hope that we can lean on each other. it was my intent to be there for their family, but I guess that we're propping each other up from two different coasts. Not the way that I figured this month would end.

Tomorrow, I have a 1/2 day at work, and my plan is to get to the water and sit and think. Options. Possibilities. What if's. Make lists, which is my go-to for planning. Throw it up in the air for the universe to solve, while I make contingency plans. My indifference seems to grow hourly. I have no more shits nor fucks to give. Even the voices in my head are quiet. I feel like I'm in hibernation. But I know that I have to wake up and step out into the world again. But not tonight.

hopefull77 posted 4/30/2019 23:53 PM

I am so sorry to see this SCAN...
Please take care of YOU...

Lionne posted 5/2/2019 17:55 PM

Yep. Btdt. Am doing it. Found out my "sober" SA husband hasn't been sober for years. My new d-day is 12/20/18.
I'm sorry. And proud of you. You are doing all the right things while putting yourself first.
I was SO angry at first. Told him so, didn't mince words. Now, I'm just tired, and blase. The ennui I feel from dealing with this nasty shut is amazing.
Housemates indeed. Maybe moving towards friendship, idk. He's gotten a new found commitment to 12 step work, New IC who he isn't lying to. It's on him to want to get well. At 68 he's running out of time to become a whole person.
I wish you well. If you need an ear specific to this particular kind of shitshow you know where I am.

[This message edited by Lionne at 9:07 PM, May 5th (Sunday)]

demolishedinside posted 5/7/2019 09:32 AM

Skan, I'm sorry I'm just finding this. I hate that this is all happening to you. I have been here, too, and I am stuck in my current situation for a bit. I'm heading toward D, though, as I cannot figure out how to keep this up. I've lost respect and trust and am just sad that people continue to choose to hurt others over being vulnerable. I'll never understand it. I'm here if you need me.


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