Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Starrystarrynight

General :
Embrace the Suck

This Topic is Archived
default

 Skan (original poster member #35812) posted at 3:25 AM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2019

So, here I sit in my Air BnB rental, sipping wine, and feeling the feeling of peace. Which I sorely need. I have no obligations, no ought-tos, no expectations. And that’s a good feeling.

Last Tuesday, after a weekend filled with Broadway hits, an amazing dinner, connection, and fellowship with friends, I found that my WH had turned on his private browser again, and was jerking off to internet god-knows-what. He claims photos and stories, but, hell, who the hell knows? Other than him. Private browser deal breaker. Because his addiction to porn is what led us here, slippery slope skidding down. Day after he got his Prostate cancer diagnosis, he decided that he deserved to get his fantasy fix. Because he “needs fantasy.” Vice talking to his concerned wife and getting support from her about his father-passed-away-from-prostrate-cancer fears. A very slow growing cancer, that, in consultation with him, his doctor, and I, we all agreed needed to be watched on a 6-month basis, in case, but that was probably no going to cause him problems for decades. Yeah, I understand the fear. Hell, I went through that with breast cancer scares. And I go through that a lot right now with memory loss and DID. But, you have to understand, that he is so fragile and special, that he just can’t share that with scary ole me. So, he has to go find comfort on the internet, which, of course, is SO very concerned for the individual person instead of the old, tired, fat, 25+ year married wife, can give him comfort and ego boosts.

Pardon me while I puke. And have another sip of wine.

After all, what right have I to complain? I’m only dealing with my mother’s death. My dad’s health deteration that I’ve had to go to fly out of state numerous times to deal with long-distance. My diagnosis of high blood pressure and trying to stabilize that. Work going crazy. My best friend’s wife passing away from pancreatic cancer across the country from me. My “beloved” husbands prostate cancer diagnosis after a year of PSI rising rates. But instead of opening up to me about his fears, well, he’d rather have sex with his computer. Mind you, he hasn’t touched me in months. Because of his fragile ego. After all, if he actually made a move, well, I might say no/be asleep by the time he came to bed/be in too much pain from my fibromyalgia that it possibly, might not happen.

I’m pouring another glass now. A slight pause in the typing.

So here I sit in my Air BnB rental. I have it until Friday. I just left. After all, I can rent another place. Let him take care of the cats that he wanted. It means that he actually has to go home, whatever home means. Left my “recommitment” ceremony ring on his computer. Emailed that I would be available to talk about potential scenarios on Saturday, about what we both wanted and needed in our lives. That I didn’t know when I’d be back. Practical situations, I need to stay on his insurance for 4.5 years until I get medicare. I need to stay in our retirement home because I cannot afford to stay in this area otherwise. And all of my support is here, so moving is not an option. Maybe a marriage on paper is what is in the cards. I don’t know. Maybe we can negotiate something. I don’t know. What I do know is that I will not give up my life, my lifestyle, what I have fought, saved, and worked for, unless absolutely necessary for my soul. I can get to indifference and be a housemate if I need to. I can have a fulfilling life without him being more than a sidenote to it, if I need to. I know me. I can totally do this. I have the capability to put a knife into this and cut life into then and now. And go forward. It will hurt, but pain and I are old frienemies. I know what the suck looks like and I can embrace it like a long lost brother.

But for right now, while I regroup and plan, I have a clean, safe, unpolluted place to be. Just simply be. I can hear the neighborhood children playing. I hear the sounds of people living out their lives. My temporary sanctuary is dark and the only light is that of a computer screen. And I can feel peace for tonight and face tomorrow, tomorrow.

And I have another bottle of wine in the refrigerator. Cheers.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012


posts: 11513   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2012   ·   location: So California
id 8370516
default

Bestthing ( member #64028) posted at 3:51 AM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2019

I am sorry your H cannot stay clear of his addiction. It doesn’t sound like he wants help. It is his loss. I am wishing you strength.

Bestthing
Happily reconciled








posts: 410   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2018
id 8370529
default

Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 4:15 AM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2019

((((Skan ))))

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. You have fought so hard and so long for your M. You deserve to be happy.

Your H needs treatment for his addiction.

I am glad that you have a few days to yourself to gather your strength.

Big hugs. Do what is right for you.

Standing tall

posts: 2232   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8370535
default

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 4:22 AM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2019

OMG Dear Lady . I just knew you were going to give some great words of wisdom when I saw your name on this thread...and I am shocked at this post!

I have no words...but I do have lots of (((HUGS))) for you.

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6673   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8370541
default

OneInTheSame ( member #49854) posted at 6:31 AM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2019

(((((Skan)))))

I'm sorry . . . . . I have no words.

Sigh . . .

(I edit to correct typos)
I am the BS in a lesbian marriage. My WW's ex-girlfriend was the AP.
D-day of the 6 mo A was 10/04/15
We are doing okay, but by now I wanted it to be better

posts: 2535   ·   registered: Oct. 6th, 2015   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 8370576
default

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 7:01 AM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2019

(((skan))). Addictions are a nasty evil. I am glad you are looking after yourself and taking time to think through what is best for you. And I am sorry.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6483   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8370584
default

Thissucks5678 ( member #54019) posted at 2:16 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2019

(((Skan))) I am sorry.

DDay: 6/2016

“Every test in our life makes us Bitter or Better. Every problem comes to Break Us or Make Us. The choice is ours whether to be Victim or Victor.” - unknown

posts: 1793   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2016
id 8370688
default

cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 2:24 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2019

I am so sorry your H fucked up again. But, it sounds like you are in a good place. Enjoy your peace.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6900   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8370692
default

Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 5:23 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2019

So freaking sorry.

Hugs.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades-2 adult children. Multiple DDays w/same LAP until I told OBS 2018- Cease & Desist sent spring 2021 "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 4028   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8370800
default

Zamboni ( member #65496) posted at 5:33 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2019

(((Skan)))

I am so very sorry your WH has betrayed you yet again. I know how much that hurts, especially when they repeatedly let us down.

I am so sad for you.

Me: BW
Him: WH Serial Cheater / NPD
Multiple affairs
Almost Divorced

posts: 864   ·   registered: Jul. 18th, 2018
id 8370808
default

BrokenheartedUK ( member #43520) posted at 5:55 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2019

(((((Skan)))))

Take care of yourself. Do you. And FTG.

Me: BS
He cheated and then lied. Apparently cheaters lie. Huh. 13 months of false R. Divorced! 8/16 3 teenage kids
"The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon"
-Mizuta Masahide

posts: 3432   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2014
id 8370822
default

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:43 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2019

(((Skan))) Oh I'm so sorry to read this. Sending you hugs today. Keep the focus on you my dear. I will raise a glass with you.

fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024

posts: 9075   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8370853
default

minusone ( member #50175) posted at 6:53 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2019

((((SKAN))))) You know..... one day at a time.

"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better". Maya Angelou

posts: 8372   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8370862
default

noname7 ( member #53890) posted at 7:59 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2019

(Skan) I'm so sorry !

Remember the basics and take care,of yourself.

Me BW
WH
DD
DD
DSD 25
I don't PM male members.
Married 18yrs 4 mos @dday
Together 22

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jun. 29th, 2016
id 8370906
default

lostcovenants ( member #40637) posted at 10:05 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2019

(((Skan))) I'm so sorry this has happened to you again. They are just so DAMNED selfish! Maybe he can move out and find a place - let him worry about living in a van down by the river. You stay in the retirement home. Quiet and cozy.

DDs, 1977 (prostitutes), 7/8/13 (LTA MOW), 11/14 (CL), 9/1/15 (PA).
Porn, 2DUIs, blame-shifting. I told both families & adult kids. I was suicidal and cutting.
I moved out for 2 years, he asked me to come home 10/16. R w exit plan.
STD discovered

posts: 265   ·   registered: Sep. 11th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 8371014
default

hopefulkate ( member #47752) posted at 10:56 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2019

My heart sank when I saw your name! I don’t remember the last time I logged on but this road is bumpy and lonely, so here I am...also Reminding you that you are also not alone. We are here! And I’m sorry your H is an idiot. I’m hoping since this post there has been change some how...but if not I know that you will tell him exactly where to go and what to do.

Afterall, it’s no secret that You’re pretty dang awesome!!! (F’ing amazing is more accurate!!!!!)

posts: 1814   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 8371046
default

 Skan (original poster member #35812) posted at 3:28 AM on Wednesday, May 1st, 2019

Thank you all. Still at the Air BnB and listening to the sounds of blessed silence. Just put away a pint of gelato and it was GOOOD! Two cups of tea and now, back to wine.

Nada. I'll give him this, I didn't want to be disturbed while i thought, and I am getting that. Just spilled my guts to my best friend, who just lost her wife to pancreatic cancer. I hope that we can lean on each other. it was my intent to be there for their family, but I guess that we're propping each other up from two different coasts. Not the way that I figured this month would end.

Tomorrow, I have a 1/2 day at work, and my plan is to get to the water and sit and think. Options. Possibilities. What if's. Make lists, which is my go-to for planning. Throw it up in the air for the universe to solve, while I make contingency plans. My indifference seems to grow hourly. I have no more shits nor fucks to give. Even the voices in my head are quiet. I feel like I'm in hibernation. But I know that I have to wake up and step out into the world again. But not tonight.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012


posts: 11513   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2012   ·   location: So California
id 8371188
default

hopefull77 ( member #43221) posted at 5:53 AM on Wednesday, May 1st, 2019

I am so sorry to see this SCAN...

Please take care of YOU...

(((())))

me-BS him-WS

" I will not define myself by what went wrong yesterday when I can draw upon Life and Love right now."

posts: 2885   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2014   ·   location: sunny california
id 8371238
default

Lionne ( member #25560) posted at 11:55 PM on Thursday, May 2nd, 2019

Yep. Btdt. Am doing it. Found out my "sober" SA husband hasn't been sober for years. My new d-day is 12/20/18.

I'm sorry. And proud of you. You are doing all the right things while putting yourself first.

I was SO angry at first. Told him so, didn't mince words. Now, I'm just tired, and blase. The ennui I feel from dealing with this nasty shut is amazing.

Housemates indeed. Maybe moving towards friendship, idk. He's gotten a new found commitment to 12 step work, New IC who he isn't lying to. It's on him to want to get well. At 68 he's running out of time to become a whole person.

I wish you well. If you need an ear specific to this particular kind of shitshow you know where I am.

Hugs.

[This message edited by Lionne at 9:07 PM, May 5th (Sunday)]

Me-BS-71 in May HIM-SAFWH-74 I just wanted a normal life.Normal trauma would have been appreciated.

posts: 8533   ·   registered: Sep. 18th, 2009   ·   location: In my head
id 8372236
default

demolishedinside ( member #47839) posted at 3:32 PM on Tuesday, May 7th, 2019

Skan, I'm sorry I'm just finding this. I hate that this is all happening to you. I have been here, too, and I am stuck in my current situation for a bit. I'm heading toward D, though, as I cannot figure out how to keep this up. I've lost respect and trust and am just sad that people continue to choose to hurt others over being vulnerable. I'll never understand it. I'm here if you need me.

Dem

BS - me/3 kids
DD - April 2015 / SA-Jan. 28, 2017
DD2- October 23, 2018
Divorced and happy

posts: 2073   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2015
id 8374285
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy