Years later and the kid is angry - second title - hi again!
Hi all, boy its been awhile! I've thought of coming back here to post but I've stayed away until today. I will get to why that is in a minute but - wow! Can I just say hi to some old friends here?? I can't believe how many names I saw and it was like an amazing hug! I had all these happy tears and felt all warm and tingly! That might sound weird, but that's what I just experienced. Please feel free to say hi! I'm not sure how deep I might dive to see how you all are doing (I can still trigger sometimes - especially if I'm hungry - but the moments don't last long.)
Mostly I am still working on me and know where my brain is making the wrong connection if that makes sense? Meaning, I may trigger about the affair, but most of the time it's just my silly brain trying to protect me from something I no longer need protecting from. I am shocked that I am still working on that neural network, but at the same time, I get it too. I have worked on myself emotionally, but not physically, and after baby 3 and my 40s (and maybe an aversion to exercise and salads) I can let myself feel down about that. But, each day gets easier, and so far I am down 10 pounds - wohoo!
A quick update - wow life is full. We have done so much work on ourselves, and tried the best we could to help ensure our kids were ok, but anyone else have a really hard year parenting? Like - the hardest one yet? We have teens and an elementary kid and this pandemic was *hard*! They all had varying levels of depression - and we were there for them through it. The tides are finally turning back up to hopeful (yay!), and there is a lot we all learned along the way.
But it's not all shiny, which brings me to today - our oldest is really angry with me. Today I sat down with him to see if we could figure out why and really, he's mad at me for 'disappearing' after the affair, and for a long time after. He felt abandoned (rightly so) and is now feeling angry about it. (Again, I totally get it.) He is not wrong either. I barely survived that first year, and barely walked that second. Then I stumbled on my own issues and had to relearn so much that his anger is valid. I have never told them all what happened, just that dad had a mental breakdown, and as a result caused me to have one and it took a long time for us to heal from that. But kids are smarter than we give them credit for, because as I was apologizing for not being there, my oldest just consoled me and said, "it wasn't your fault". (omg the waterworks!)
But what do I do about it? How do I fix that I couldn't be there for him after dday? Or fully for like 3 years. (I'm super slow at this stuff.) Or that I drank myself numb a lot in the beginning just to survive. (I am so ashamed of that too...a bad emotion and one to work on, but gosh this stuff is hard right?)
This isn't the first time that I have talked about this stuff with him, or his brother, but it is the first time his anger is present and he could connect the two. When I asked him how to fix this he quickly, with a side smile, suggested we go to GameStop. So, it's not all doom and gloom here - we do have fun too - but there is *real* pain and hurt there, and it is alllllll directed at me, not MrKate. I'm sure you can figure out my feelings on the fairness here but....
MrKate suggested talking to him - but we are giving him some processing time, and I will reach out to my therapist tomorrow too. My oldest refuses therapy (I won't insist on it then) but I can go and work on me and then talk to him about it. However, I also thought, if anyone could understand, it would be you all.
Any words of wisdom??
18 comments posted: Wednesday, June 8th, 2022
adhd and rsd and posting
Hi All! Keep up the good work and digging and self growth!
I wanted to come back here and share what I learned about myself, for those of you who may be in the same boat.
Often, if i posted a topic or idea and it wasn't liked or accepted (especially when i truly was acting wayward!), I would get totally defensive.
Crazy reaction, right?
Often I could later calm down and then think through things in a more logical way, and that opened up the door to people thinking that I had bipolar, bpd, all kinds of diagnosis. (Diagnoses?)
However, I DO have ADHD, and a lot of great stuff comes from that, but there are also some great difficulties as well, one of them being Rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which is an extreme reaction to feeling rejected. Imagine that, someone who was cheated on (Hi) feeling rejected, and then in the rest of life, always feeling rejected too. Fun stuff right there.
Then if you are a wayward (hi again), and trying, but not quite getting it yet, you are attacked - or so it feels. Ok some posters can be mean, but many people are just trying to help.
ANYWAY, IF you have ADHD, check out what RSD is and looks like. Medicine does calm me down, but knowing that this is more of a me perceiving things incorrectly thing, rather than a true life rejection event, has helped my self esteem. It's hard, but worth looking into.
Lots of love to all here!
7 comments posted: Thursday, September 3rd, 2020