"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Cattlefarmer posted 4/13/2019 01:31 AM

I know it's all been covered here before, but I'm frustrated with it all.
I was told again yesterday that I was a "nice guy, but I prefer bad boys".

Not the first time this has happened.

Yeah, I know I dodged another bullet and all that shit. But fuck me, am I expected to hit them over the head and drag them off concussed?

Anyway, not my job to fix broken, tried that once and I ended up broke.

WhoTheBleep posted 4/13/2019 06:13 AM

Here's one girl who wants a nice guy. Girls who want bad boys are train wrecks, themselves. I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated. I am a bit, myself. (See my thread Pity Party). I'm just going to keep being me. What choice do we have...?

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 10:13 AM, April 13th (Saturday)]

Justsomeguy posted 4/13/2019 09:44 AM

Umm not sure women really want a "bad boy" when they say that. I think that what they want is a guy who exhibits some sort of strength or confidence. After getting thrown under the bus by my STBXWW, I had to try and find that inner strength again. Still looking for it. Don't want to come across as needy or desperate. Best way is to find a place when you are content inside yourself.

WhoTheBleep posted 4/13/2019 10:21 AM

Don't want to come across as needy

This is 100% accurate. Have your own interests (other than dating), and pursue them. Don't be available 100% of the time for dates. Think "Sorry, I'll be out of town summiting Mt Kilimanjaro that weekend. Maybe we can go mountain biking when I return the following Thursday."

Don't text 5 times a day just to check in. Talk about some of your outside interests, and things you have planned.

I'm no expert by any means. Just don't be one of those men out looking for "the one" without much else going on. That's too much pressure for the lady, to be the potential center of your universe. Unless she's just as clingy...but then that would be one of those vomit-worthy relationships destined to burn out rather quickly once all the newness hormones wear off. Just my 2 cents.

CharliB posted 4/13/2019 10:51 AM

Well said, Bleep.
I am guilty of the fatal attraction to "Bad boys".
You would think by now I would have learned my lesson. Maybe I have. The guy I am dating now is a Pastor. Now I am the "Bad girl" in the relationship. How the tables have turned. The thing is, I'm not sure that I am ok with this. I am trying to be and I'm going to give it a chance. Only 4 dates so far and we have progressed to hand holding. Granted it was cold outside and he kinda had to hold my freezing hands out of pity lol.
@ Cattlefarmer.
Please don't ever stop being a Nice guy. Sometimes girls like me have to learn the hard way before we appreciate guys like you.

Catwoman posted 4/13/2019 11:27 AM

My theory is that most of the Nice Girls who deserve Nice Guys have them already. There are exceptions, but it is probably closer to the truth than not.

That being said, a girl tends to want someone who is not just nice, but emotionally healthy and emotionally strong. A lot of nice guys are truly nice, but they are also not emotionally healthy, often overly needy or overly deferential. I am a very strong personality. I need an equally strong partner--someone who knows who he is and is unashamed of that while at the same time, strives to be a better version of himself every single day.

My advice? Be yourself. Cultivate things that YOU enjoy and do them. Seek someone who is equally comfortable in their own skin and who has a life that is THEIRS.

Cat

PS: My current SO seduced me with his wonderful, creative and funny mind. As a physical specimen, he isn't exactly tall, dark and handsome. But he is wonderfully fabulous company, has a sharp wit and most of all, is comfortable with who he is. I wouldn't trade him for anything.

ErinHa posted 4/13/2019 14:31 PM

I found this to be code for a very immature thinking person. Real women do want nice guys, especially those of us who have experienced the bad boys.

I promise you there are real women out there who want nice guys. Keep being yourself, you'll find a mature, loving woman who really values what you have to offer.

HardenMyHeart posted 4/13/2019 17:03 PM

I know it's all been covered here before, but I'm frustrated with it all.
I was told again yesterday that I was a "nice guy, but I prefer bad boys".

Hi Cattlefarmer, I recommend you read the book, The Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. This book will help you understand the "bad boy" bullshit and how to deal with it.

This forum has quite a few BH's (me included) whose wives suddenly decided, after years of marriage, that they needed a "bad boy" in their life to feel desired and help them escape their boring "nice guy" husband. It is a real thing and is glamorized in the movie/book "The Bridges of Madison County".

CanRelate posted 4/13/2019 22:01 PM

Be yourself. Examine the type you're attracted to and who you attract. I am thinking I still attract a certain type because I have work to do being ok with myself. On to the next!!! Keep searching.

havequestions posted 4/16/2019 21:33 PM

let them go with the bad boys. In a year or so, go visit her in the trailer park and try not to notice her weight gain and her black eyes.

josiep posted 4/17/2019 10:28 AM

2 comments.

I was shopping on Amazon's website this morning and saw there's a thing called pheromone cologne. It's a special of the day but I believe it's the women's version. Maybe you could see if there's one for males.

And the other thing is, nice and kind mean 2 different things. I love kind but people who are "nice" sometimes aren't my cup of tea. I read an article about the distinction and it made sense but of course, my brain is still back somewhere in January so I can't remember the details right now. But Googling it might bring it up.

It's sort of, a kind man just beams with kindness from his eyes and he does what he does without fanfare. Where a nice guy might pull out the chair before you sit down and open the door before you walk in and might do a lot of little "nice" things but in a flourishy kind of way rather than from the heart. Sort of like he's doing it for a reason while the kind man just does it from the heart.

When people start doing stuff for me, I just want to slap their hands and arms away and tell them I can do it myself. Now, I realize some of the examples I gave were manners and they're find. It's about the way they're done. It's a subte distinction and I'm not good at explaining.

That said, there are women who are total jerks and who just want excitement, drama and perhaps sex and booze.

And, my real point of view is for you to take up a hobby or activity that puts you in contact with other people. Be happy, enjoy it, embrace it and just be yourself. The rest will take care of itself.

barcher144 posted 4/17/2019 10:51 AM

Real women do want nice guys, especially those of us who have experienced the bad boys.

I don't know about the "real women" part of this quote... unless by "real women"... you mean the kind that aren't bat shit crazy.

Look, we all have our problems. I was raised by a narcissistic mother and guess what... I am attracted to narcissistic women. That doesn't mean, though, that narcissistic women are good for me.

My current girlfriend has a bit of a thing for bad boys. Most of the guys that she has dated/married were alcoholics. She's co-dependent. Her dad was an alcoholic.

Notice a pattern? A lot of us like people who are bad for us.

Keep looking until you find someone who is good for you and you are good for her.

havequestions posted 4/17/2019 18:39 PM

My thought is a lot of women, men as well, just think the grass is greener. Women, though, seem very susceptible to the dumbass who beams with confidence until a nice guy like me takes him outside and curbstomps him.
Women also seem very susecptible to what other women say and think. I am convicted, I also have a few folks that have also seen it, that women look up to and even admire the women who cheat and or openly flirt with men beaming with sexual confidence. Where I live anyway, there is almost a hierarchy of women and they try to outdo each other. I imagine it’s very much like girls in high school. In an effort to impress and remain “top dog” they continue to have affairs and even increase the frequency or go for o way younger, of a suffer t race or multiple partners . I also these women will do things with the so called bad boy that they wouldn’t even entertain with their husband; begging the question, if you want a bad boy do you can be wild; why not do it with your husband? Instead of saying “ I only want nice sex with you.” Yes that happened to me. She tried to say that didn’t mean what it sounded like, but I asked her “ no matter what you really meant by the Sex part, why did you include “with you”? Is t that a given? I wonder just how far some will go? I’m sure they have multiple antibiotics at the readybas well as multiple lies. The nice thing for these women use they are all guilty so they lie and cover for one another.

[This message edited by havequestions at 6:44 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

Marz posted 4/18/2019 01:54 AM

Download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free oft

It may give you the perspective you need.

Tallgirl posted 4/18/2019 23:42 PM

there is nothing wrong with being a nice guy. I’d swap my WH for a nice guy.

Agree with Josiep, kind is attractive.

SallyShrink81 posted 4/19/2019 04:24 AM

Ugh! The word "nice" is soo triggering for me. My XWH is "nice" He's a passive little wuss and he's definitely not kind. I think of nice as passive or compliant neither of which I want in a guy...

I agree with the suggestion to download No More Mr Nice Guy! It's a great book. Also Mask of Masculinity is a good read for all men....and people who live with or love men.... Also I love to read....

In any case I feel like I've been one of those women who was scorned by bad boys so I went for the "nice" guy and got scorned even worse. Did lots of work in IC and otherwise. Finally found a guy who seems to compliment me very well and vice versa.

Tallgirl posted 4/19/2019 09:03 AM

Happy you found some one Sally. 😊

For me and likely many other BSs the nice guy has been redefined. To me it does mean kind, honest, moral, considerate and loyal etc.. Aka not a cheater.

The anti on being a nice guy has for sure gone up for me.

Have to respect bad boys though. At least they are honest about it.

ohforanewme posted 4/19/2019 09:32 AM

Hey Cattlefarmer

From time to time I have wondered about you and how things are going for you. I had not seen a post from you for a while in D/S. Now I know why, you had been brave enough to venture down here.

I too have had the frustration with the nice guy stuff, and have seen so many wonderful women, seem almost addicted to men who are so obviously going to be bad for them. And then are.

Never quite understand it, but I must say, I have found some of the insights that the ladies have shared here to be helpful.

It is almost ironic. XWW's infidelity at first shattered all my self-worth and confidence, but as I worked through it, both have become far healthier than that were prior to the A.

Still not thanking her for doing to me what she did, but I am beginning to see that some things may be better for it.

DevastatedDee posted 4/19/2019 09:43 AM

In any case I feel like I've been one of those women who was scorned by bad boys so I went for the "nice" guy and got scorned even worse.

Ouch, Sallie. Same. I went all in with the "nice guy" without fear. Boy was that ever a bad move. The bad boys had nothing on him for hurting me.

Cattlefarmer, if they're looking for bad, they'll find it. It's everywhere. They won't like it once they have it, but they won't have a hard time locating the next one. Leave them to it. Too much drama for me.

Forget nice guys and bad boys. What sane women want is a good man. Whether he rides a motorcycle or arranges flowers for a living. A man with integrity.

stubbornft posted 4/19/2019 11:22 AM

I found this to be code for a very immature thinking person. Real women do want nice guys, especially those of us who have experienced the bad boys.

I promise you there are real women out there who want nice guys. Keep being yourself, you'll find a mature, loving woman who really values what you have to offer.

Yes yes yes.

OP - It makes me cringe to think a grown ass woman said "I prefer bad boys" eww

I think you dodged a crazy there.

My current SO is a wonderful man. He is patient and kind and caring. He is not a "bad boy". He works a blue collar type job, is handy around the house and is in great physical shape but no one would ever refer to him as a "bad boy" type.