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So like a lot of people here I was rocked when the full truth finally came out a few weeks later, affair was physical, is it actually possible to move on knowing your husband is capable of something like this! I can't think straight, he is doing all the right things (apart from being honest on day 1), and when I am with him it's like I disassociate the things he done and the person I thought I was married to. He is telling me he knows he not only betrayed me but he broke his own moral code and that is something he really needs to dig into, he feels like he was living an alternative reality when he was with her and was able to box it away and not put a label on it. He ended it late last year when he said he had finally woke up to what he was doing and what he was risking it. I don't know whether to ask him to leave so I can try and decide if I truly want him or if I am clinging to a life I thought we had. How do you know if it is right to reconcile or right to kick him out....I'm so confused, doesn't help that AP has made this very public, by sharing their texts etc she isn't happy when he ended it and wants to make sure everyone knows what he has done so I am facing the reality that I can't do this privately and also have read some tortures things that will be burned into my brain forever

So sorry you are going through this living hell at the moment.The person that you thought you were married to and would protect you from any harm at all costs is the one who has stabbed you over and over again since you now know whenever this started.Your brain and heart are trying to make sense of what you uncovered and it’s not processing that this person could do this to you. It’s the sickest feeling when you find out and you can’t shake it off and try to remember what things were like moments before your world came crashing apart.You need time to heal you and decide what and how to move forward in your life.Don’t try to make excuses for what he did,it’s common ,you did nothing wrong this is not your fault.I’m sure others will be here soon Leafields is someone on here who is very supportive and a host of others who have been in this position.

Drowning,

Take a deep breath. It is possible to reconcile after a PA. But it requires a huge amount of work from both of you for an extended period of time- years.

What do you mean "doing all the right things"? What is he doing? Very specifically, what is he doing to fix what is broken in him and to help you?

What are you doing? Are you in IC - it can really help you manage through the crazy roller coaster of emotions and determine what YOU want.

As for how do you decide? You will know. But you don’t need to decide today. It takes time for you to process the shock, watch his actions (ignore words- they are cheap and easy), and decide what is best for you. You can decide in a month or two months or 6 months or a year.

I’m so sorry the AP took this public. Shows you what a low life the AP is. How is your WS responding to that?

Take your time, watch his actions (and take off the rose-colored glasses), and take care of yourself. You will get through this.

Yes you can get past this. You can reconcile and hopefully if both of you are committed to the marriage, you can be happily reconciled.

I’m sorry the OW has chosen such a public course of action after the affair ended. However, you can just let it run its course and fizzle out by ignoring her.

Unfortunately it’s just one more thing the cheater doesn’t think about - getting caught, the AP losing their mind over being dumped, the impact in the marriage, or what happens to the betrayed spouse/partner at Dday and the devastation and pain they feel.

There are some excellent books out there. One is How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair…by Linda MacDonald. Individual therapy for you is also highly recommended. It can help you process the pain and stress and navigate the healing process.

The cheater can only help you heal to a certain point and the rest is up to you.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:22 AM, Sunday, March 9th]

He went NC back in November last year, new job, he has ordered books which I didn't promot, reading articles, he is really looking into the why and how of betraying not only me but his own values. He is constantly reassuring but not showering me with affection unless I ask as he doesn't want to "influence". Open phone policy and tracker location already in place, and he checks in often. In terms of how he is coping with the public shaming, he isn't, he is a broken man and has been suicidal at times (their private messages were shared) he apologies when he tells me too much of how he is feeling because he said he has lost the right to use me as his confident anymore. We are also in separate rooms, which I'm not sure is what I want or need. He also talks a lot about what he was thinking (or wasn't) during that time, his hopes form the future and his love for me, but can you truly love someone and do what he done? Lots of things I have read suggest yes they can but is that me deliberately cherry picking what I read to make myself feel better

So sorry, Drowning. Don't feel like you have to figure everything out today. Your brain is still reeling from the trauma and sometimes your literally can't think.

In my situation, my XWH started out doing the work...but at about 6 months in, really wasn't. It took me about a year to realize he wasn't changing. Then, he said his IC said MC would be ok. We were actually in a session when he told me about inappropriate contact with another female (my hard boundary). I was done.

Watch your WH 's actions. Is he truly changing? I have myself 6 month increments to evaluate where we were and where he was. I needed a timeframe as a reference.

Sadly, it takes a lot of work and healing. It can happen, but it can also fail. And there are members who stay together with varying degrees of happiness.

Drowning, it sounds like your WH is doing things right, it just doesn't feel like it's right, or enough, or domething. This has much to do with the stage you are at. It's early on and you are not committed to a schedule. Take the time to process. Right now, your brain I o survival mode. That will change, albeit slowly. Give yourself grace.

Thanks everyone, how long does the initial shock can't thing can't eat I might die phase last? I know everyone is different, but are we talking months?

Everyone is different. Many of us went on anti-anxiety or antidepressants to help during those initial months. If you’re having a hard time eating, and the infidelity diet is real, try to drink some protein shakes during the day to help. And if you’re not sleeping, talk to your doctor about that as well

It took me about three or four months to feel semi human again. And then anger and rage kicked in around six months. But everyone is different.

Yes, we are talking months. For me, it was 6-9 months. For the first 4 months, I was an absolute wreck. I had people stop and ask if I was ok.

Everyone's timeline is very different.

[This message edited by leafields at 11:39 AM, Sunday, March 9th]

During those 4 months what did reconciliation look like, at the minute we are spending 12 hours a day talking about this and the rest of the time in silence. Do yous try to have periods of normality with your husband in the early stages, like doing things like our for a walk or lunch etc? He has been in the spare room but last night I just couldn't face being on my own so he came and held me all night apologising while I sobbed, I am so scared that I do something wrong in terms of rugsweeping or allowing him to comfort me and it will cause problems down the line. We are both in IC and we started MC (so flipping expensive) I know others advised against it but I have found it really helpful to be able to have someone help us navigate it together.

Everything you’re experiencing is normal. For at least a couple of months I was a complete wreck all the time. I couldn’t eat or sleep; my body would shake violently and uncontrollably, I would hide in a closet so my kids wouldn’t see me sobbing. Like you, my husband was my best friend and confidant, so my mind was in knots as I instinctively turned toward him but then was sickened and angered by what he had done.

It’s going to take time to get through this stage, and you will slowly gain clarity. Healing and reconciliation are possible, but right now is the time to focus on taking care of and stabilizing yourself. You’ve been stabbed and then stabbed again; treat yourself accordingly. You need to stop the bleeding before you can get a sense of how much damage is done and how best to heal and move forward.

I’m so sorry the AP made things public like that. That’s a horrible thing to do.

I am 9 weeks from DD. I have let my husband comfort me at night as I couldn't sleep. My therapist said allowing him to comfort me was soothing my nervous system and as long as we were both talking about it we weren't rug sweeping.
We still talk about it non stop and chuck in the odd dog walk l/trip to shops but it's ALWAYS there.
I think I have realised there is no rule book so do what feels right for YOU. If you want him to hug you then do it. Also I read a good article on ambivalent attachment after infidelity and it explains the love/hat, push/pull we feel from seeking comfort from the ones that hurt us.

You are not alone 💓

Thank you everyone, my heart breaks for us all, life altering crap that we never asked for or deserved 😞

Dday1 was complete devastation. 10 days later he wants a Divorce!!!! I could not eat or sleep or stop crying. But I got through it (with very little support) somehow without my kids even knowing what was happening.

Dday2 was the complete opposite. I was beyond angry and acted on pure adrenaline. I knew I had to D him and was smart enough to have a plan B ready after dday1.

I lost no sleep at dday2 and ate well. He, on the other hand, finally had a taste of his own medicine. And he was in his own b/c I did the hard 180.

It took me 3 years to finally start feeling more like my old self. But I’ve never lost my plan B just in case.

We had a terrible weekend, which resulted in my husband making an attempt in his life. We are both so broken I just don't see a way through this, he has no one apart from me, no family and his friends have shunned him because of what he has done. I know this isn't my responsibility, but you don't stop loving them because they hurt you. I think we need to accept it is too early to even look at reconciling yet, he is too broken and as am I.

So sorry for what you are going through. Tragically, self ending events/attempts on the heels of marital treason are too common. I lost a good friend under these circumstances.

Is he open to intensive therapy? He probably needs inpatient help at this point. Regardless, I hope he gets the treatment that he desperately needs and that you are both able to heal.

Strength, peace and health to you.

He needs to get serious medical help. Next time he tries, please call 911 and get him the help he needs. Not only is not your doing, but you are not equipped or qualified to help him with this. I know how hard it is - just brutal. But the nicest thing you can do is get him the help he needs.

Yes, he created this mess. And you are also injured. Focus on you.

I’m so sorry u are here. I get the "love him" and want to fix him or help fix him recipe. Pls take care of YOU and strongly recommend therapy , individual. That’s urgent

I am so sorry to read this.

I hope he gets the help he needs.

Life can move on and you can be happy despite the affair. Please keep encouraging him to believe in himself and that things can be better with time and work.