Photos and memories

Hi I'm 9 weeks out from finding out my husband had a 2 year affair (1 year PA and 1 year EA) 12 years ago. It was with his best man's wife and when my 3 rd child was born. This means SHE is in my wedding pictures and I feel the memories and photos of my child's first 2 years including Christmas, holidays, birthdays and christening are all tainted by his betrayal 😩
We are working on reconciliation and he is doing everything he can to repair the damage he caused but what do I do about the memories and photos? If it was from before the kids, I'd chuck the photos but I can't chuck my child's baby pics.

Anyone else in this situation? What did you do?

3 comments posted: Sunday, March 9th, 2025

Please help I'm drowning in sadness

Hello,
I really hope someone can help me. Six weeks ago I received a text from an old friend - she was my husband's best man's wife and the mother of his godson and he had known her for over 25 years since their army days.
Out of the blue, she texted me whilst I was at my new job and told me she had had an affair with my husband years ago and he had to pay the consequences as it was part of the reason her marriage had finally broken down. I was shocked and ran outside to ring my husband who told me he had a two year affair with her in the army before we got together. I was cross he hadn't told me and she was part of my wedding but went back to work and told him we would deal with it later. He went on to text me apologetic texts saying I'd never get over it and it dawned on me it must have happened during our 20 marriage. He fiercely denied this before finally admitting it 8 hours and hundreds of texts later. He then went to work and left me to come home distraught to my teenage kids who had to see me sobbing and vomiting.
He moved out to a hotel for a few days but I was in a terrible state and got put on sleeping tablets and beta blockers by the doctor. He eventually came back as I had no one else to comfort me.
He has been extremely remorseful and I've finally got the full truth as much as he can remember as it was 12 years ago. He basically reignited an affair with her when I was pregnant that was mainly sexting and 4 sexual encounters when my 3 rd child was 8 weeks old and I was struggling with pnd and her husband was away with the army and she was 5 months pregnant 🤮. Followed by more sexting then 3 more sexual encounters 6 months later when she had given birth and her husband, his best friend, was away again and I was undergoing operations and health problems Then more sexting for a year until we went to her and his best friends vow renewal! It then fizzled out but they continued to text as friends until 6 months later her husband found their texts. Contact ended for a year but no one told me. She then texted him sporadically to check in as a friend until recently and he then texted back to 'keep his secret safe'. She was/is highly unattractive and alcoholic and he says he did it because it was easy,, in a plate, a thrill, an ego boost etc
He has since been so remorseful, had counselling and been reading books etc
I have spent the last two years processing childhood trauma, family illness, estrangement and caring for autistic kids whilst studying and dealing with anxiety and health conditions and this has tipped my mental health over the edge.
He tells me he has changed and was stupid and he regrets it but I can't cope with the morality of it...who shags their best mates wife then becomes godfather to his son, invites him to be best man at his wedding and goes to his vow renewal? Who leaves his wife, who has pnd and childhood trauma with two toddlers and a newborn to shag an ugly alcoholic. Who makes those decisions consistently over 2 years then keeps it secret. Oh and he finally told me he didn't use protections and he swears none of her kids are his but by the ages they could be and we have had to do std tests! I just can't understand this and feel he is a 'bad' person. My mental health mentor says its because my worldview and black and white thinking from childhood trauma means I split things into good and bad. I just feel so silly for trusting him and feel I have no chance of happiness with or without him. I feel he has stolen my past, present and future. I feel like I am homeless, loveless, worthless and I'll never get happy again 😢
Can this ever work? Can I ever forgive him with my trauma background? I'm exploring EMDR, I just want to forget it all. I love him and our life and I want to make it work and I'm scared of being on my own and have no family support or close friends. Will it ever get better?

25 comments posted: Monday, March 3rd, 2025