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Off Topic :
Heartbroken

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 ibonnie (original poster member #62673) posted at 12:09 AM on Tuesday, November 12th, 2024

Hi All.

Some of you might remember me posting awhile back about my brother and his LT ex-girlfriend, who our family all hated for ~8 years, but he eventually (thankfully!) broke up with her when he found out she cheated on him.

He was obviously sad post-breakup and went through a lot in the months after.

Last October he met someone else. He mentioned her for the first time when we saw him this past Thanksgiving, jokingly said that he was trying to find me a new sister-in-law, but it was too soon to bring this her around to meet the family.

We finally met her when he brought her home this past Easter and were overjoyed. We thought she was great. After they left, we joked that his last girlfriend set the bar so low that anyone would have been better, but she came, she made conversation & she brought cookies she baked herself! And not just something basic, like chocolate chip cookies, which still would have been appreciated. She made really good rainbow cookies from scratch. (If you're not familiar with rainbow cookies, google them.)

We saw him more these past few months, than we had seen him in the past few years. Every time he brought his girlfriend with him, we were so happy to spend time with her. They came to my daughter's dance recital, brought flowers, and then instead of hanging out with adults (which would have been perfectly acceptable), she spent a couple of hours playing board games with me, my cousin, and my daughter, doing silly voices the entire time.

That was the first time my cousin met her, and after they left, she jokingly said, "He better marry her, because if he doesn't, I will. I LOVE her."

We spent a lovely day at the beach this summer. FWH and I actually got to relax together for awhile (which is rare, we're usually taking turns with the kids in the water), while my brother and his girlfriend took my youngest into the ocean and let her play in the water and they kept a hand on her to keep her safe.

I posted on social media a silly meme about liking candy corn ('tis the season), and the next time she came over, she brought me a little bag of candy corn and ghost earrings. grin Just because!

It was apparent to everyone that saw them together how much happier my brother was. He just seemed lighter. Everyone that met her would gush about how great she was after she left -- she just was so genuine, and sweet, and thoughtful, with a touch of endearing goofiness.

Every time I saw my brother solo, I would (semi-jokingly) ask him when he was going to marry her because she was so great we wanted her to be a part of the family. He would tell me to chill because they hadn't even been dating a year yet, but would get this doofy smile and then say that he was working on it.

Anyways.

She died in a fucking awful tragic freak medical incident at work two weeks ago. She died by herself, having trouble breathing. How fucking awful to die at work! She spent days in the hospital with things going from bad to worse, never regaining consciousness, and then being declared brain dead days later.

It was just her birthday, and I mailed her a gift. She sent me a beautiful handmade thank you card that arrived in the mail a couple of days after she was in the hospital. shocked When I saw the mail, I just remember saying, "Oh no," and thinking in some weird way this was her saying goodbye. Not that she or the USPS could have known.

My brother is absolutely devastated. Understandably. Her family came from out of state and made most of the medical decisions because they weren't married yet. Her remains will be shipped back to her home state and they're planning a TBD service.

He's basically been like a ghost. He's been cleaning out her apartment and giving away her stuff, and then late at night he goes and sleeps at my parent's house. I know multiple friends and family members have reached out to him, and he hasn't been responding. He told my mom he just can't deal with anyone yet.

We're all so heartbroken, and at the same time, it feels so silly to say that because I know it must be so much worse for him. I don't know what to do, because I don't think there's anything we can really do right now. There's no way to make this better, because we can't bring her back. It's just such a huge fucking senseless tragedy.

It feels wrong to be as heartbroken as I feel. I was so looking forward to getting to know her better, and was really hoping that one day she would officially be my sister-in-law. But I feel weirdly guilty because I know it's so much worse for my brother who is absolutely devastated. And I love my brother so much, that I wish I could just take his pain away, but the only way to do that would be to bring her back, which just isn't possible. Anyways. I just needed to get this out somewhere.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 2:35 AM, Tuesday, November 12th]

"I will survive, hey, hey!"

posts: 2117   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2018
id 8853618
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 12:43 AM on Tuesday, November 12th, 2024

So sorry for your loss and your family's loss.

There's an old song that has a couple of lines that say I have no words to ease the pain, and another that says I'll help you cry. When somebody I know has had a loved one pass, I tell them that there's nothing that I can do to make the pain go away, but I can help them cry.

Let your brother know that you're there for him and keep in touch with him. What a devastating tragedy.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3960   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8853619
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 2:53 AM on Tuesday, November 12th, 2024

My deepest sympathies. I am so sorry this happened. Sending ((virtual hugs))

I can’t even imagine what you are going through.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1803   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8853620
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 3:01 AM on Tuesday, November 12th, 2024

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how devastating this must be for all who loved her.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 3681   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8853621
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number4 ( member #62204) posted at 3:12 AM on Tuesday, November 12th, 2024

It feels wrong to be as heartbroken as I feel. I was so looking forward to getting to know her better, and was really hoping that one day she would officially be my sister-in-law. But I feel weirdly guilty because I know it's so much worse for my brother who is absolutely devastated.

Both things can be true at once. You can be heartbroken, while ALSO knowing it's that much more difficult for him and he will need your support. When it comes to grief, everyone responds differently and we have to honor those feelings, even if they don't make sense to us. Sorry to hear your brother is going through this.

Me: BWHim: WHMarried - 30+ yearsTwo adult daughters1st affair: 2005-20072nd-4th affairs: 2016-2017Many assessments/polygraph: no sex addictionStatus: R

posts: 1374   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2018   ·   location: New England
id 8853622
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:14 AM on Tuesday, November 12th, 2024

How terribly sad. Sending my deepest condolences to all of you.
(((Hugs)))
(Weirdly, a former coworker just died the exact same way in July - and I agree that has to be the saddest thing to experience.)

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6233   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8853625
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DragnHeart ( member #32122) posted at 12:24 PM on Tuesday, November 12th, 2024

I'm so sorry.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25837   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8853634
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Fantastic ( member #84663) posted at 1:24 PM on Tuesday, November 12th, 2024

So sorry for your loss. Life is so unfair and it is really hard to come to terms with events of this type. Sending you hugs.

posts: 219   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2024
id 8853635
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:49 PM on Tuesday, November 12th, 2024

crying crying crying

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30499   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8853643
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StillLivin ( member #40229) posted at 1:58 AM on Wednesday, November 13th, 2024

I'm so sorry for your family's tragic loss. My prayers are with you and your family while you navigate the grief and trauma.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB: 7/2/2014

posts: 6139   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 8853666
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 8:10 PM on Wednesday, November 13th, 2024

I wouldn't feel guilty, ibonnie. When my sons died, it was balm to my soul when I spoke with people who felt the loss personally as opposed to just grieving for me.

WW/BW

posts: 3672   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8853728
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