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Just a question to other BS’s out there. Not too long ago, there was an event at one of our local nature preserves, it was the primary visiting location for my WW and her AP. She asked me some time ago if I’d ever be willing to go there for a hike or for a small event like the annual pancake breakfast that we used to enjoy. I told her that currently there is no way I’d ever want to visit any of the places they would go to. I’m not saying that I’ll never go there again, but at this time, in my current mindset, I just don’t ever want to be exposed to the memories of what went down there. I was wondering how many others feel this same way and how some of you ever got past this, if you ever did.

I know just how you feel.
I wouldn't go near their store for years.
Now, since it's closed, I go past it all the time.

I’ve gone to A related places by myself to confront them and try to clear triggers, and I have found that helpful. The park where they first got physical (physical!🕺🏻) is a place I go for work events (out of my control) and I even take my kids to a lake there sometimes. I’ve personally conquered it.

Now that said, I have never ever intentionally gone to an A location with my wife, and sure as all fuck not to go have a good time. If others have done that, I’d love to hear about it, more power to you. But I have a hard time imagining that. There is a whole world out there. The A defiled a few places in it. Why wouldn’t marriage 2.0 chose new places, as much as is possible? Just the thoughts of a guy divorcing. Best of luck, friend. We still have that beer to get, I haven’t forgotten.

🍻here’s to you Ink!

Hi, I’m six years in r. I’m like you, there are places that I’m not ready to go to, yet.

Reclaiming those places seem to work for others and that’s great. But not for me. I’m not willing to have us dealing with his flashbacks. My husband has said to me that he doesn’t think of « them » being in those places. And I believe that he does not intentionally think about his escapades there. But unintentionally unless he’s a superhuman, which he is not, flashbacks do occur..

That said, earlier this year I did go with him on a business/holiday five day trip. Previously I had said no, as this was the area he had brought ber twice to during his affair. What hurt me most is that it was during my birthday, which he did not acknowledge. Well he was a shithead at that time wasn’t he?

I felt strong enough to deal with this location, and spent time in a national park that we both wanted to hike in. This was a new adventure for both of us, and I had a great time. My desire to see this park trumped my imagination of him and her together not far from there. It’s not a victory for me, it’s just life. We all have places,things,people that have hurt us.

My husband did thank me for coming with him. I’m ok with that.

I think I will always remember those trips of his with her. He had disclosed all. I’m glad I know and that I have a choice to say yes or no to those same locations. The final decision is mine to make.

I chose yes earlier this year, and I’m choosing no to other locations for now.

I reclaimed every single place except the Motel 6. Tom Bodett can go ahead and turn the light off. I ain't comin'.

I decided immediately after d day to reclaim everything. Everything they did and where they did it. I wanted to wipe her out of our lives and his memory. That said, there was just the one place. They met a few times only max 10 minutes at their workplace to make out and then there was the on BJ two days before I caught him . Their place of w has an entire gym + relax area with different facilities for employees, where they would meet up it's allowed for employees to bring family members after work hours as many do, so we started working out at that gym several times a week and so I decided we would completely drown out their meetups there over time to make it a small blimp compared to how much we have gone there to make it ours in every way. Over an almost 2 year period we've been there hundreds of times compared to their handful. In the beginning I would get extreeeeemely triggered and cry and almost want to vomit, we would have fights. But we were both really adamant that this was important to reclaim for us, and these days I do always still think the thought in passing when I enter the area, but it's just in passing and I know its 99% just our gym now and not their secret hookup spot.

Other than that, there wasn't really anything to reclaim. He even used the same cutesy nickname he's used on me for 20+ years on her he didn't even give her her own nickname, how pathetic is that? I wonder how she'd feel if she knew her 'special' name was just a hand me down obviously that nickname is now completely banned for the rest of our days between us, but I do find it rather pathetically amusing that he didn't even have enough imagination to give her her own cute name. Who even does something like that? Also when he would message her about dreaming of going on dates with her to a particular place, he chose OUR DATESPOT oh and yeah, she looks like a carbon copy of me just older. She even has the exact same educational background as me and so he used the same insider jokes we have around that education on her. Just makes me squirm for him how pathetic that is. It's not even hurtful, just really pathetic. There really was nothing special between them at all not even their inside jokes were their own.

So, this is a tough one. My wife and her AP picked parking lots about 90% of the time for meetups at lunch (his house being the other). Not every meetup was sex, but she identified the # of times that it was and where she remembers being for each occurrence. Suffice to say, I have a pretty good idea on the what and where. I’m a detail guy, accounting is my career, there was no way I’d survive this hell with little to no info. Most of the spots are along what I’d call the main street in our town, my childhood hometown (not his, hers, or the bw… mine). That was a special kind of loss and humiliation to process. Lots of good memories growing up at places along this stretch got marred in my head. I took some crazy routes to avoid the area at first and dealt with near panic attacks when I didn’t.

For me, ultimately, I needed about a year of EMDR (weekly for 2 months and tapering off from there). I wasn’t ready for it right out of the gate, probably about 2 years after total discovery. I kind of lucked into that timeline, but I found that I really had to live with those haunting memories before I could process them and start reorganizing them in my brain. I can drive it today - many times I don’t think of what she did there. When it comes to mind, it isn’t nearly as debilitating or the death spiral it used to be. Sometimes I have to do a mini-EMDR set if I can feel my heart rate quicken.

There are parking lots I’ve gone to as part of my normal day & ones I haven’t. I can’t explain fully why some just don’t feel worth the visit. I didn’t feel the need to reclaim either with or without her - that was the worst version of my wife living in total darkness, I’d prefer my marriage live in the light. Others view it differently, I think that’s great, we all have a unique path, perspective, & needs. This is what has worked for me. It is a million times better than it was in my worst moment

[This message edited by LookWhatYouDid at 4:24 PM, Friday, August 23rd]

Meant to add a note more specific to the original post:

There is a restaurant that shares a parking lot with one of her spots. I used to go there 2-3 times / month. I haven’t been once since discovery. Some things just don’t feel worth it to me. She’s never asked me if I want to go there.

I left the city I was living in at the time of the affair. The shortest and most direct route from the airport to where my parents lived drove past the apartment complex we were living in and where I walked in on them. Didn’t help that the building was painted in a rather unique stand-out color. For over 15 years I would take the long route when visiting my parents...
As part of my treatment for PTSD (partially from the infidelity) I started driving past that place. I haven’t been back for some years – not since my parents passed away – but the last time I recall driving past the building I remember that I didn’t notice it, probably because it had been painted another less conspicuous color.

Having said that... I’m glad I did confront my triggers and faced them head-on. Although I no longer make a clear choice to bypass that place (and other triggers) I will admit I don’t make a conscious choice to frequent them.

I could not go to those ares early after Dday but eventually had to go reclaim them. My WW met her AP in a bar in Addison, TX. It is a small suburb of Dallas. It is unusual because it is made up of bars, restaraunts, office buildings, and hotels. I don't think there are any houses in Addison. I hated hearing the name Addison for the longest time. One day my W was with me and we stopped for lunch in Addison, totally unplanned. We had a few drinks and enjoyed our time and she left Addison with a real man that day. I reclaimed it that day.

Give yourself some time and don't try to force it.

On a side note, my wife and I rode our side by side into town to get it gassed up and get a couple cases of beer to stock my new fridge in my shop. As we were heading home, the street my took us one block away from AP’s house. When I stopped at the stop sign at the intersection and looked right then left. As I swung my head left, Asshat was walking with his two grandsons and immediately looked left and down to the ground so as not to make eye contact with me. Who’s in whose head now. I relished that moment. 🙂

lol, nothing better than personally experiencing how big of a coward they are after discovery.

I felt that way for awhile and it was killing me as my WH and AP's A took place largely at their work (yeah all kinds of gross stuff happened there), but when I was out of state working if not at work it took place either at our house, in our vehicles, or around our neighborhood. They were pretty scared of being seen out together as AP's then OBS also worked with them so he would find out in a second if someone from their work saw them together. But there was a restaurant that they chanced it and went to once when I was away that I read in their messages, and it was one of my favorites.

Basically after learning about the A I hated everything in my life. The house, the cars, the streets, I even found myself being distant to my dogs as I knew my dogs had let her pet them and hang out with them and that they were present for some of the "acts" that took place at our house. I wanted to get rid of everything...and IDK, move to the moon or something. But then I decided one - these things, places, my pets were NOT the A and by allowing those things to serve as reminders of the A I was not only giving the A a lot of head space, but I was allowing it to ruin things I loved. That was simply not okay with me at all.

As my therapist said to me when I responded "yes" to her question of whether I had ever eaten in a restaurant: Do you connect everyone who has eaten off those dishes or sat in the chair you are using at that restaurant to those items? The summarized answer (aside from their being cleaned) is the chair, the plate, the glass are just things that are not connected to people, no matter how much connection we may attribute to them - people are just passing through these things. While we hold certain things dear to us (e.g. my dad gave me this on my 10th birthday or whatever) it is the sentiment - the gift from my father - that really draws my connection to the object - not the object itself.

So I made a conscious choice to stop giving the A that kind of power. In my case I literally would have had to move, and sell EVERYTHING and start over. It was a luxury I did not have. Once I moved beyond the attachment (yeah, I liked this couch a lot - and I know they at bare minimum sat on it but likely a lot more - but what I disdain is their actions, not the couch) the places became easy. I was not going to allow the A to stop me from enjoying things I used to - I could hate the A, heck hate my WH - but my dogs, my sofa, my car, one of my favorite restaurants...no way.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 11:27 PM, Friday, August 23rd]

I currently struggle with "their"‘places more than anything. Like you said being exposed to the memory scares the hell out of me. They always went to a certain restaurant chain, I won’t eat at any of their locations because I equate it with thier A. I can’t even be in the city she lives in or drive by it. One of the hotels he took her too is on a main road in my hometown and I avoid the freeway exit like the plague (you can see the sign) and I go the back way to the area from our home to avoid passing it. Usually my H offers to go there if we need something and he picks it up because he knows I don’t want to be near that area.

He gave me an idea of where most of their sexcapades happened and when I went to google map I found the stupid wooded area on the map and actually saw the spaces where they probably parked and had sex and I almost got sick.

I told him I didn’t want to know for sure where kr was but he gave me a good idea when he described it.

Yes. I have a lot of healing to do , it’s a slow. Slow. Slow. Process and location triggers have always been the hardest for me. In my mind my brain thinks it’s happening right next to me, best way I can explain it.

The shitty gift that just keeps giving.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 1:41 AM, Saturday, August 24th]

In my mind my brain thinks it’s happening right next to me, best way I can explain it.

That is as good of a description of PTSD that I’ve ever heard.

Nice to hear from you, Groot. Hope you are doing well.

Much of where fWW's affairs took place have been redeveloped in the intervening decades, except for a historic hotel and a park close to the third hospital where affair #3 occurred. Since we have both been retired for twenty years and have long since moved away from the West Coast there are few reasons for me to revisit the few remaining places where she betrayed me, or to be in the vicinity.
That said, the first hospital where fWW's first liaison took place over a 15 month period is still operating as a trauma center, but I would never set foot in there again, despite the massive remodeling and reconstruction program the hospital undertook about ten years ago.
What I find more interesting is how my fWW has scrupulously avoided towns and places where the infidelities happened. She did return to the first hospital as part of a 57 year nursing graduation ceremony, but with much trepidation, until she saw how the ER had been moved and enlarged, and the doctor's on call suites moved. She told me that she felt very uneasy and upset most of that day. Every year my fWW and her sisters plan a trip in the Fall to a scenic region of the US and the youngest sister unknowingly planned an Air BnB stay in the small coastal town where her doctor AP had retired and where she visited him when she got news that he had a terminal illness and had not long to live. My wife cancelled her participation in this years planned sojourn on the California coast and told me why, It is so heartening to see these changes in her. Instead we've planned a cruise for late in the year after my knee replacement surgery heals properly.

If I didn’t have to travel back to that city for the rest of my life I’d be ecstatic. But, alas, I have to go back bc FIL lives in that same town. Location triggers are hell for me too. After my fWH affair, I found out that the home we lived in was AP’s childhood home. Yep. What are the chances? When I found that out I was never comfortable in my own home ever again. I struggled every single day, I was depressed, anxious, I cried all the time. I felt like I was forced to live there. Every day living in that house was pure hell. Whatever AP touched I needed to cleanse myself of that. She was in my home so I got rid of every piece of furniture she touched - the living took furniture, and all the bedroom furniture. We sold his truck and got a new one. We traded in my car for good measure even though she’d never been in it - still, looking at our vehicles just reminded me of that time period. So I made husband buy me a new car. No matter what, the house had to go. I could no longer physically be in that house. We sold the house and moved 2500 miles across the country. So I never reclaimed the house or his truck - we just got rid of those things. I absolutely loathe the fact that I have to go back to that city. In fact I was just there today. I get anxious when I’m exiting the interstate to head into town. I feel a sense of dread and suffocation just thinking about going there. So I go as little as little as possible!!

[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 6:38 AM, Saturday, August 24th]

The family & I used to vacation at this fun beach town that I had enjoyed visiting as a teen. We didn't go every year, but we made lots of memories there. After the kids were older, we went there by ourselves and went to the art galleries, nicer restaurants, etc.

I avoided the town for several years, but have gone back twice now. The first time was sad because of the memories of what used to be and what might have been. This last spring was much easier, except one of my favorite restaurants has closed because the owner/chef retired. But, I went to several new places and I visited my favorite art gallery and was able to find a nice picture for a reasonable price.

For me, it has taken time and healing.

I don’t post often, but have been dealing with this exact thing lately, so I thought I’d share my experience. I know everyone processes differently and you will know what is right for you.
When I found out about my WH A, I was relieved the conspirator lived in a city 4 hours away. I’d been there before, but not often. Well, my son, who is now a freshman in college chose a school IN THAT CITY. He has no idea about the A, this school is a top 20 school he worked hard to get into and I wasn’t going to let my WH stupidity ruin my son’s dream. We moved him in last weekend, I made the weekend all about him and didn’t trigger at all.
Once I returned home I had an intense need to know exactly where everything happened- dinners, sex, anything and ask my WH for a list of places they had been in that city.
Long story short we had to run a bike back to my son yesterday and after dropping it off I asked my WH to drive me to EVERY spot on the list. It was hard, sad and a bit ragey for me and he was sad and embarrassed. It took a while and I felt and spewed all the emotions, but to me it felt cleansing.
I wanted to stop making up stories in my head and replace them with an actual picture, this to me let my brain rest.
Those spots weren’t special, they were easy, just like they both were. I am refusing to let this crap make dread going to visit my son.
I hope you are able to find a path for your healing.