SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been here before, 15 years ago, when my husband cheated on me. We had been married for 5 years & had 2 small children.

Fast forward to now. We now have 3 children, they aren't so small anymore (18, 15 & 13) & have been married for almost 20 years. And he did it again.

This time, it wasn't physical. It was multiple women online, but 1 particular one. And it literally spanned a bit over a week. He got caught because we were on the way out for lunch & his phone was plugged into the GPS / screen / I don't know what it's called, & a message from her popped up. He denied knowing her but he did tell me when I asked that night (5 nights ago).

To say I am absolutely devastated is an understatement. I would have bet my life that he wouldn't do it again. But he did.

I don't know if I can get past it again. I don't know if I want to. I don't know if I want to be married to him because I love him or because I'm scared to be alone.

I know I can't make those decisions yet but I'm hurting so very badly. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't even turn to my mum because she died a few years ago.

This man was my everything. He was my person, my rock, my security, my safe place. Now it's gone. I don't feel safe anymore (physically all is fine, there has never been any violence).

I'm heartbroken & feel so worthless & disrespected.

I know I'm not alone, but geez, this hurts.

So sorry that you're back and hurting. It sounds like he really didn't do the work to become a safe partner. Are you sure this is the only A in the last 15 years? Did you set any hard boundaries like if you do this again, it's straight to D?

I'm sorry he couldn't be who you needed him to be.

Yes, I am confident there haven't been anymore women over the past 15 years.

I don't really recall hard boundaries last time. I can imagine I said it'd be over if he did it again, but 15 years is a long time. He really did work hard on himself last time & our marriage, which I am grateful. My daughter wouldn't be here otherwise.

I just don't know how to move forward.

Sorry for the repeat, they are the worst.

What did he do to work hard on himself?

It doesn’t matter if you did or didn’t say out loud "if you do this again I will leave".

He shouldn’t have needed to hear that to not cheat on you again, and frankly it doesn’t make any difference. Opportunity came and he took it.

Boundaries aren’t for controlling others, they are for you and what you will tolerate. You didn’t have to officially say it for it to be something you won’t tolerate anymore.

I can’t tell you what’s best for you, I know what I would do if I were in that position.

I know it’s hard, try not to focus on what you want or any decisions. Focus on yourself and trust yourself in doing what is best for you.

I’m sorry that after so much time that you find yourself back here. Remember, you didn’t deserve this, nothing made him cheat again, he already had an undeserved second chance and took you for granted again.

Remind yourself of that as you heal again.

We did some very intensive counselling & he spoke to someone too.

Last time & this time, he took full responsibility.

Remembering there are 15 years between A's, our life has been pretty good. It took a long time to rebuild trust & I just don't know I have it in me again. I can't help but think I will always be expecting it again.

HellIsNotHalfFull
Thank you. You are right, he took advantage of the opportunity again.
It's too early for me to trust myself to know what is right for me. I told him that if it was our daughter in this position, I'd be telling her to kick his arse out the door.
And maybe that's what I will eventually decide partly because I will always be waiting for the next time.

I'm sorry you're here again.

When the gift of reconciliation is thrown back in our faces it can hurt more than ever.

What was the nature of his relationship with this woman? Also, is he explaining how or why he would engage like that?

I ask because part of your formula for a decision is trying to figure out if he is worth the trouble.

TheEnd

Yes, the fact that he did it again, after he saw how broken I was the first time, has just about ruined me. The question I asked him is how he could do it again without giving me a 2nd thought.

It was purely online this time, she isn't even in the same country. And lasted just over a week. That's it. No talking, just text & videos. That's what he says. It took me 5 days to get it all bit by bit, but I actually do think he has told me it all now. There was some chat with other women in this time frame too, but not as intense.

He has told me why, & yes part of that is me, but he takes 100% responsibility for it. I know I'm responsible for my part in our marriage but he's totally responsible for his cheating.

I don't know if he's worth the trouble. I want him to be. But I don't know if it's him I want or if I want to hold on to my dreams for the future.

These threads may be the worst for me now.

I'm so sorry he had done this to you again. You deserve better.

You've been through this before, so you know how hard it is.

I'm going to give you a small bit of advice that might not be helpful. He has cheated twice in 20 years of marriage. Let's say for the sake of the argument his average "return period" is ten years. Do you want to be back here in ten years?

EDIT: I don't know if hard numbers help. For those with actual background in this, the mean estimate for his return period is actually 8 years using (2*t)/(2*n+1) formula for non-informed prior distribution. Before he cheated a second time it would have been 13.3 years. So to quantify your perceived risk increase over the next 30 years, it was previously a 10% chance of non-recurrence, and is now a 2.4% chance of non-recurrence. Had he been faithful all along the estimated chance of not cheating would be 47% (which I think we know by experience is a bit of an over-estimate for people that have been faithful for 20 years). This is useful for comparison though. Your risk *was* almost 5x worse than a person with a faithful spouse. It is *now* about 20x worse than a person with a faithful spouse.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 5:23 PM, Friday, June 21st]

I'm so so sorry that he did it again.
Also i want to encourage you to pull back a bit more. It just seems very off to me that he was fine for that long and whamo just this once. These online games are not usually just one time. If he is attention seeking and getting those ego kibbles I have serious doubts it's "just this time" without some major precipitation factor. For these reasons I strongly recommend you do the following.

See an attorney, don't tell him just go do it. Learn your rights his obligations etc.

Kick him out of the marital bed. Demand STD testing of himself and yes you go get tested too, because they don't test men for everything like they can with women. It may have been all on line but this does a few things for you, demonstrates strength and unwillingness to blindly believe. You should not believe his words now and the sooner he understands that he blew it the sooner he will get to work on fixing himself.

Do NOT accept that he did this because of anything you did or did not do.

He has told me why, & yes part of that is me, but he takes 100% responsibility for it.

Nope this is blameshifting.

It's like an apology followed with "but" nope not ok.

See your Dr. And get meds to help with sleep if you are unable to. If unable to eat get protein shakes, to fill your tank with what your body needs, avoid alcohol.
This is a huge trauma and you know that. Be kind to you.

I just wanted to reach out and say I’m so sorry you are here again. We have similar stories. I was here in 2004 when my H first cheated then he did it again 17 years later. We were together for 27 years. I said the same thing that if he did it again I would leave. He begged me to stay and to forgive him and that he would change but I was done. And turns out there wasn’t just one woman. There were multiple. We finally separated and he died unexpectedly a month later. I agree with one of the last posters. Do you want to be back here again in 10 years? The only way you can prevent him from cheating again sadly is to leave. Hugs to you and your kids

[This message edited by Stayinghopefull2 at 6:27 PM, Friday, June 21st]

How can any of this be your fault? Did he talk to you about some concerns or issues? Did he suggest you two go to MC? Did he ask for a separation? Whole lot of ways to fix marriage issues, and NONE of them involve cheating.

What does cause cheating? Character deficiencies, cowardice, and selfishness. Has NOTHING to do with the spouse.

I agree with the others that it’s a real long shot that the one week he is cheating (with multiple women), you happen to catch him. Go buy a lottery ticket with that kind of luck.

And get some IC for yourself with a trauma specialist. They can help you wade through this muck and decide what you want. Like you said, you don’t have to decide today.

Oh and was this a paid site? Can you do some financial forensics?

So sorry he was unable to be a decent spouse and that he inflicted this on you.

We all know the pain, and we are here for you.

Thank you for the kindness & support.

I know it's not at all my fault, 100% on him. But he didn't say a word that indicated he wasn't happy!

I believe he is remorseful but he's done it twice now. If I R, I feel like he'll just do it again. He said he didn't think how it would affect me, so he sure as hell wouldn't think if the opportunity arose again.

I don't trust him so I'm not 100% sure, but I think I do believe that there was nothing else in between times. Maybe I'm just naive. I'm going to ask again. The thing is, he's not a particularly social person, & when he goes out, it's us together. There's no time before / after work because I know the hours he does (long ones) & the pay he gets with those hours. There has never been a discrepancy. I guess if anything, it has to have been online chat.

Yes, a paid site. I have control of our finances & I can see when he withdraws money (joint account that his pay goes into). He has no other way to get $$ & he had told me he withdrew some. He just lied to me about where it went. For this reason, I don't think it went any longer nor was it happening before.

In my heart of hearts, I know what I should do.
But I don't want to.
There are so many logistics that are too hard to contemplate. I guess that's why no decision has to be made when I feel like this.

A graduation speech I just heard included a Ted Lasso reference. Don't hesitate to give someone a second chance, but don't give a third chance to someone who squandered a second chance.

I'm so sorry you're back. And please listen to everyone telling you his decision to cheat was HIS decision. It is not on you in any way.

[This message edited by WillThrive at 2:01 PM, Saturday, June 22nd]

Im so sorry you are back here. Making the decision to R the first time is so hard. And when you feel like you've moved on from it only for it to happen again, it hurts so much more. We feel dumb for every trusting them and dont know how we will ever trust anyone ever again. I get it. Take you time figuring out what you want to do. Oftentimes our heart and head dont agree at first but they eventually do. ((Hugs))

Typically, a bs only finds the tip of the iceberg. Start investigating. Married men don't usually get involved with other women,unless there is sex involved.

He's a serial cheater. What's he going to do differently this time around?

Pink,
He’s not remorseful. He *may* be regretful. Look up the differences. I think there’s a post here in the JFO forum about the difference (look for posts with bullseyes). Regret is about him. Remorse is about how it affected you and the kids. He would moving mountains to fix this if he was remorseful. maybe he will get there—- but since he didn’t 15 years ago, he may never.

Also kick him out of the bedroom. Why are you on the couch when he’s the dog? You need a space to process this shit without him in it.

I echo seeing a few lawyers just to get a clear picture of what D might look like. We make decisions often out of fear of the unknown. So getting a clear picture will remove the unknown and alleviate a lot of that fear. Knowledge is power. And do the math. If you were to D, what would your financial situation look like. Do you have an income as well? (I don’t remember if you are a SAHM.)

In an earlier post you worried about the kids. The kids - one is nearly adult - KNOW something is up. They are smart and astute and can feel that something is off. Remember that you are also showing them what is and isn’t acceptable in a relationship. If this was happening to one of your kids, what would you tell them?

Just start gathering information and forming a D plan— if just to help you realize you can be okay without him. It will empower you. And whether you R or D or stay a while until your youngest is of age, having a plan B is important.

I read this and your other thread in General.

There is no way you can "punish" him or make him feel bad beyond whatever pain and remorse he can find in himself.
You make some comments about divorce, fearing divorce and all that...
I fear that you will huff and puff for a couple of months, sleep on the couch, refuse to wash his shirts... and then in a month or two it’s all back to "normal". Only your normal is that he might relapse again into whatever fetish or whateveryouwantocallit that got him here.

Part of it is you?
What part? What did YOU do (or did not do) that made him think it was fine to seek what was missing elsewhere? Did he ever address that "part"? As in tell you "honey – this is missing. We need to fix this and this is how I suggest we go about it". Have a feeling the answer is no, and by saying that part of the reason it’s you he’s actually trying to shift the blame.

I want to suggest the following:
Tell him the truth. That this last event makes you question the whole marriage and his fidelity over the last 15 years. That back then the kids were a good enough reason for you to try, but now with them this old they alone are not enough.
That you want to explore and understand your options. You are going to talk to an attorney about divorce, and how that would impact your future. That right now you are fairly certain that EMOTIONALLY you could probably heal faster without him, especially since he thinks you are partially to blame for him having to seek solace elsewhere. That statement makes you think that maybe one of you needs to have the courage to pull the trigger.

This doesn’t mean you want to divorce, and that if he wants to remain your husband he can use the next weeks to prove it to you. That would include whatever YOU need to feel safe. That might require he seek counseling, you two maybe seek MC (later on), maybe you need financial assurances so you CAN jump if he repeats his actions...

But make it very clear to him that this is not a question of him sleeping alone for a few weeks, wearing soiled clothes and eating microwave dinners. This is serious, and if he doesn’t step up YOU are ensuring there won’t be a repeat, because as your ex-husband there isn’t any infidelity.