Boundaries in new relationships after infidelity

How do we know the difference between red flags or things that are acceptable in a relationship after experiencing infidelity? I was with my WH (Now deceased) for 27 years. He was a serial cheater and I have horrible trust issues. He told me he loved me and would change however none of it was true. I have only dated one man since my WH passed. One and a half years into our relationship I found out he text an old girlfriend (supposedly only responded once, then deleted and blocked because he realized it was wrong). For the life of me I cannot get past this. To the point that I have ended things with him and it’s so hard. He keeps saying he is sorry, and he loves me blah blah blah. I just am tired of giving someone a second, third, forth chance. Is texting an old girlfriend a year and a half into a relationship wrong? Is that a deal breaker? I’m really struggling. He has been my only relationship since my WH passed.

4 comments posted: Monday, July 1st, 2024

Another D-day after death and drug use

Hi all, I wasn’t sure where this should go so I posted in New Beginnings because that is what I’m trying to do but I can never seem to. My WH was a serial cheater. We were together 27 years. Married 24 of those. He had an affair back in 2004 shortly after we had our first child. It was a long road but we reconciled and had another child and a really good life. Fast forward to 2021 and I found out he was cheating again. Actually my kids caught on to it by him turning his location off on his phone. This started a whole spiral of our marriage and him having multiple affairs. 16, now 17 other women to be exact. He told me he would change and wanted to be a husband and father. He asked me what he could do to keep this family together, but it was too late for that. I asked him for a divorce and we separated soon after that. We were only separated for one month and he passed away suddenly from heart arrhythmia. Our kids and I were by his side until the doctor pronounced him brain dead. It’s been about 2 years since his passing. Last night I found his laptop as the kids and I were looking for an old picture. I have never gone through his laptop but I started reading old text. He was really good about deleting things. But I found some things that really bothered me. He was texting at least 3 women that he was in a relationship with. Fine. That was not surprising. But still bothersome. What really bothered me is I saw a text chain to a woman who was only in her 20’s. She was one of the 17 women. He took a picture of lines of cocaine. This was taken weeks before his death and I could tell they had been doing it together. I’m just really sad. Not only did I find another woman he was texting. But discovered drug use that could have contributed to his death. He was otherwise a healthy person. But his alcohol consumption had definitely increased during all of this and now I discovered illegal drug use. He was a very successful man but obviously very troubled. I’m just sad that the friends (our friends) that he was around, especially this young girl knew he was doing cocaine and having affairs. This girl knew he was married and had kids. But yet continued to do this. Why are people so dishonest. My kids and I wondered if he was doing some kind of drugs. He lost a lot of weight and just looked very worn and tired. But now this confirms that he was. It’s just like D-day all over again.

6 comments posted: Monday, April 8th, 2024

Am I self-sabotaging?

I would love some of your opinions as I can’t talk to anyone about this. I’m not one to talk to my friends or family about my problems. I didn’t even tell my best friends anything about my marriage until I had asked my H for a separation. Long story short. I found SI in 2003 when my H had an affair with a co-worker. It lasted on and off for about a year but we made it through it and life went on. Fast forward to 2021. I found out he was doing questionable things again. Actually our children did. He had multiple affairs with many women. I told him I would never forgive him if he did it again. He begged me to stay and be a family and promised he would change. He told me he loved me and that I was the best wife, mother and person but kept having affairs and talking in appropriately to other women. I finally told him in 2021 that I wanted to separate. 1 month later after our separation he died unexpectedly at 49 years old. I was devastated and our world flipped upside down. I was never able to resolve anything with my H. He was finally coming around and started talking to me and our children again. I could have never got back together with him. But I really wish we could have had the chance to mend things and also co-parent. I’m really sad that my children do not have their father anymore. Regardless of his bad decisions he was a man full of life and definitely lived the short life he had to the fullest.

So here I am posting in New Beginnings. I have been dating a man on and off for about a year and half. He has been divorced for quite sometime and his ex cheated on him too. He is very caring and a great person. I don’t know if I over react because of past trauma or if these are really red flags. He told me during a conversation that we were having that he had one night stands while in college. And that when he was single he would met up with women he found on dating websites when he traveled. This really triggered me because my H used dating websites to find the women he had affairs with. My BF also travels a lot for work and this has been hard for me too. I told him I understand that everyone has a past but I thought he went into way to much detail that I wanted to hear. I dont know if I’m overreacting but this really bothered me and I don’t know if I want to continue the relationship. I know every time he travels I will think he is on dating websites and meeting women. I just think I’m screwed for any future relationship. My H and I were together almost 30 years and there is just so much pain and trauma that I don’t know if I’ll ever trust anyone again. Is divulging too much about your past sex life appropriate or am I overreacting by not wanting to continue the relationship? Thank you for any advice or opinions

4 comments posted: Tuesday, February 27th, 2024