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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
Why continue?

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 fsk071823 (original poster new member #83792) posted at 2:45 AM on Saturday, June 1st, 2024

Found out about my wife's EA (and some PA without sex) almost a year ago now. It's been a rough time since. We are in a trial separation right now and alternating weeks at the house with the kids. I am not seeing any progress and her talk is either leaving or basically settling. I'm not exciting person, but I love her and committed my life to her. She's changed over the years and I don't recognize her anymore. She's hesitant to leave because of the kids and finances. Makes me feel so loved (heavy sarcasm). She says she loves me, but I feel like it's a different love.

Issues that I have is that she says that though I've done nothing wrong, I haven't grown over time. Another issue is that she is still in contact with her AP even though she knows it pains me. He is a wedge in her opening herself back to me. I'm at the point where I just want her to make a decision and move forward. I don't plan on filling because this in my opinion is on her and don't want her to control the narrative about how I left the family.

Looking for any advice or experience. I am a lot better than I was in the beginning due to IC and meds. MC hasn't helped. Your thoughts?

posts: 26   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Michigan
id 8838429
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:17 AM on Saturday, June 1st, 2024

Why does she have to make the decision? It’s your life— you decide. You say she is settling for you. Is that what you want? 2nd place? While she’s still talking to the AP?

Maybe in an ideal world she would decide. But you can stay in limbo or you can make your own decisions.

You are in IC. What does your therapist think?

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8838435
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:26 PM on Monday, June 3rd, 2024

I don't plan on filling because this in my opinion is on her and don't want her to control the narrative about how I left the family.

Meh I think you should do it anyways otherwise may straddle limbo forever. That is what my xWS was banking on. I feel that most WS's paint the BS in a bad light when they file for D. They don't want to take the blame for their behavior, their A's nor the ending of the M.

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8838530
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Perdita1 ( member #67654) posted at 9:35 PM on Saturday, June 8th, 2024

How is the trial separation going OP?

Remember, even if you file for D first, you are not ‘the bad guy’. It is the WS’ actions that set in motion the D, whoever files first.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8838965
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DigitalSpyder ( member #61995) posted at 12:20 AM on Sunday, June 9th, 2024

I am not seeing any progress and her talk is either leaving or basically settling.

She's changed over the years and I don't recognize her anymore.

She says she loves me, but I feel like it's a different love.

Another issue is that she is still in contact with her AP even though she knows it pains me.

MC can't help when the affair is still on going.

I don't understand why you'd choose to stay. Everything says that her decision is made and once she ties up the finances, or her AP does she's going to leave for him.

You have no control of the narrative. People are going to believe what they choose to. You staying is not going to change that an opens a much different narrative once this comes into the open.

Post Tenebras Spero Lucem

The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater their power to harm us. Voltaire

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

posts: 428   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2017   ·   location: South Carolina
id 8838977
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 3:13 PM on Sunday, June 9th, 2024

You asked for advice, so I'll give you my perspective.

While I believe marriages ebb and flow in terms of their quality, you should always be your partner's first (and only) choice. The tingly feelings of fresh love give way to a deeper, more textured connection as we grow and develop. Unfortunately, society has pushed the narrative that our marriage partner should provide us with everything, especially the "feels" even decades into the relationship.

It sound like your WW has already left the relationship but is too chicken or reluctant to pull the trigger. You mentioned kids and finances. You also mentioned,

I don't plan on filling because this in my opinion is on her and don't want her to control the narrative about how I left the family.

While I understand the desire to not be the bad guy, all this does is keep you in limbo. If you are in a holding pattern hoping she'll come to her senses, what incentive does she have? You have already provided her incentive to remain in the status quo by removing any consequences for doing so.

You mentioned not being exciting. I don't believe it is a partners job to entertain their spouse. It's like trying to make somebody else happy. Just as gifts of toys make children temporarily happy, it does not last and the reciepient is always looking for the next dopamine hit. I think it's our job to be engaged, loving, kind, strong, faithful etc for one another. If you are happy with how you are, great. If you identify areas of improvement and want to address those, then equally great. What you don't want to do is act inauthentically just to save your relationship. Not saying you might, just adding this.

I've been on a multi-year journey of healing and self-discovery, and though I'm not at the end, I've grown a bunch. I'm divorced and lonely, but no longer married and suffering alone in a relationship. And I'm the most authentic version of me I have ever been. It's a shame it took this long.

Hope at least something I wrote helps...

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8839000
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 12:38 AM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

I don't plan on filling because this in my opinion is on her and don't want her to control the narrative about how I left the family.

Another vote for to hell with perceptions. Other people’s opinions, even those of your children, should not silently dictate the course of your life. If your son was in this situation, would you tell him to stay in the shit show because some people might be judgmental?

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2186   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8839192
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 1:44 PM on Wednesday, June 12th, 2024

I'm at the point where I just want her to make a decision

She does not have any strong reason too. She is allowed to fence-sit (still in contact with AP) while enjoying minimal impact to her life (ie kids and finances).

I do understand. I stayed in my M way longer than I should have for various reasons as well.

I don't recognize her anymore

Consider the possibility that the person you are seeing now IS the real her.

He is a wedge in her opening herself back to me

He is not the wedge; she is. She made the decision to enter into the A, she is making the decision to remain there. He is nothing special; he could be any old person. This is all her.

She's hesitant to leave because of the kids and finances

There you have it. She wants to continue what she is doing while enjoying the lifestyle you two have built together.

don't want her to control the narrative about how I left the family

She already did this with her A.

Keep focusing on yourself with your IC. The more you heal, the stronger you will become in doing what you need to do.

posts: 6903   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8839380
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:37 AM on Sunday, June 16th, 2024

Please leave. Every single day you CHOOSE to live with this sadness takes a terrible toll on you mentally and physically. At some point your body will break down. Stress is cumulative so you might wind up with chronic issues. Heart. Digestive. Arthritis. What is coursing through your body all the time are negatives. Get out now. Somewhere, some time you will start feeling positive. That is the life you should be living. This sounds like hell.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4274   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8839888
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 fsk071823 (original poster new member #83792) posted at 1:38 AM on Monday, June 17th, 2024

I am at a breaking point. I want to move on with my life one way or another. I will probably be putting my foot down on the trial separation soon. If she wants to continue, then she can stay where she does every other week for a long period of time. I just want closure. I'm way better then at the beginning. IC along with meds have considerably helped. Lost 25 pounds in the first few months. Now, I gained that back along with a few more. Of there is someone else out there who is actually kind and would love unconditionally, I would like to get on with my life. I know that my choices at this point are partially my fault for not following through on a decision, but I'm willing to take that for now for the kids. This will be short term, the kids happiness is a lifetime.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Michigan
id 8839969
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HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 3:31 PM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2024

She won’t stop seeing AP then she already made the choice for you. She’s perfectly happy to have her marriage and her affair, and it doesn’t sound like she wants D. If she did she would have.

You want your kids to be happy, they need their parents to be there. You can’t control or make your W do that, so you have to take the steps for yourself. If D is what allows you to be the best dad you can be then that’s what matters.

File, I can’t stress enough that you should get a lawyer and end this misery.

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 488   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8840082
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 8:14 PM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2024

I am at a breaking point. I want to move on with my life one way or another.

So what in this moment is stopping you from taking action on this desire? This is not a judgmental question, I understand the indecision as well as anyone who ever lived. But I’m genuinely asking you, OP, what are your reasons for staying in your own personal hell? List them, examine them, critique them. The worst thing you can do is get paralyzed with fear. You can do this.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2186   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8840093
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 fsk071823 (original poster new member #83792) posted at 10:05 PM on Thursday, June 20th, 2024

I wanted her to make the decision but there are some circumstances in which I'm documenting and will be looking to work with an attorney and file. She has posted things in a social media chat in which I can see. She says she didn't want to hurt me, but this action suggests she doesn't GAF about my feelings. At this point, the AP can have a younger version of his current wife. She is not worth fighting for. It sucks as we just had MC last week so I've basically wasted more money on her. She is in for a world of hurt when it comes to finances and housing. No going back from her transgressions.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Michigan
id 8840244
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 2:23 AM on Friday, June 21st, 2024

I wanted her to make the decision

This is common, but often not helpful. In your own case, do you know why you wanted this?

At this point, the AP can have a younger version of his current wife.

Not if his wife is faithful. If he has a faithful wife then he’s losing a treasure and gaining a timebomb.

She is not worth fighting for. It sucks as we just had MC last week so I've basically wasted more money on her.

Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. The $150 for a MC session is meaningless in the grander picture.

She is in for a world of hurt when it comes to finances and housing. No going back from her transgressions.

Don’t worry about her. Will you be alright?

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2186   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8840264
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 fsk071823 (original poster new member #83792) posted at 10:39 PM on Tuesday, June 25th, 2024

I wanted her to file as she was the one who was unhappy and if she wanted to leave, then it's up to her to leave. Didn't want to comply with her wishes.

Not sure if the OBS is unfaithful, but I highly doubt it. He would have to deal with her and all her issues that I've dealt with for over 15 years.

Initially, thought MC would help, but we've gone sporadically and has been basically a complaint session for her.

I will be fine. Thought I was done mourning the marriage, but emotions have been higher recently. No person is worth this much pain so AP (who I will always call him even though if they get married) so he can have her. I will be fine alone and can focus on my kids and being a better person. Maybe I can find a better mate, but that isn't a major focus for a while.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Michigan
id 8840812
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