SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Here is my experience with the discovery of my husband's affair.

I found a gift from the OW and questioned my husband - he shared (after denying for days) an abridged version of an affair. In this version, the affait was brief, on line only, and only transactional. After I made a second discovery, I pressed him again, and the truth was (dragged) out of him. It was a a year long affair, had became physical, included expressions of love, and gifts were exchanged. The 6 weeks of trickle truth felt like death by 1000 cuts. At the end, when everything was on the table, I felt flayed - and didn't know that such pain and tear production was possible.

Something unexpected happened then. Amid all of this, I became acutely aware of how much I loved him, and that I felt actual empathy for his experience. I realized that if he was able to demonstrate true remorse, and commit to the 'work', I was willing to try, too. 24 years of a mostly good marriage and our 4 children were not something I was willing to throw away, mo matter how hurt I was.

So...he knows that the path forward is resting on a hairpin trigger, and that while our work on the marriage may not be a perfect path, his communication with the OW needs to be ZERO, or the walls come tumbling down.

This feels like the riskiest choice, and I'm scared to death. I am risking my heart all over again, when I could have ended things and moved forward in that direction.

I'd love any of your thoughts, advice, for me in this moment.

Sounds similar to me. I felt willing to "try" not specifically to reconcile, because I’ve always loved him. In fact told him, dude…if this is what makes you happy, I’ll bow out. Not interested in sticking around. It took nearly all of the 2-5 yrs. With many ups and downs. Though now new A behavior that I could find. I’m very grateful for where we are now, albeit not how we got here

This feels like the riskiest choice, and I'm scared to death. I am risking my heart all over again, when I could have ended things and moved forward in that direction.

It's a huge risk.

However, holding on to the idea that I can end things anytime I need -- or better yet -- knowing I will be fine regardless of the outcome, gave me access to some strength I didn't think I had in that moment.

It allowed me to give my wife some room to grow and change and be a safer partner.

Love is great, but is wasn't enough to stop the A. It isn't enough to sustain a rebuild either.

Lots of work, more patience than you think is possible and then an unyielding effort by both people is only the starting line.

This moment does give you a chance to really define what it is you want from life now. Not just the M, what is that you really want? if that includes a long rebuild back, then you have a direction at least.

Sounds like my situation, too. I always thought that I'd leave him if he cheated, but I knew within hours that I wanted to try to reconcile. And I could empathize with his torment. Not the torment over hurting the OW - that's too big an ask, but the torment of having carried his secret for so long, and of having hurt me and disappointed everyone who was shocked at his double life.

I decided to believe that my H was being truthful when he said that he wanted to R, he wanted me, and that he was willing to go NC with the AP. I also decided to extend some trust, and that I would take action if I found out that my trust was violated.

I think you're brave to take the risk, and I hope it turns out to be a wise choice.

It's scary either way. I'd suggest writing down a plan of what it would look like and the steps to get there.

Don't be surprised if the mad scientist in you takes over the plan and you work on it obsessively for several hours straight - that's what happened to me.

24 years of a mostly good marriage and our 4 children were not something I was willing to throw away, mo matter how hurt I was.

But he was……is he still? Time will tell.

"Trying" is good. You can’t "love him into doing the work". Love bombing and hysterical bonding are a lot of fun. For a short while. Immediate NC, full disclosure with a timeline followed by a polygraph. You may think you have everything, rarely do WS come totally clean this quick.

Tell him what you need, and watch his effort and initiative. You can’t drag him along for reconciliation.

Good luck.

You may think you have everything, rarely do WS come totally clean this quick.

My H confessed and was forthcoming once we began R, so I think I tend to view others' situations through the lens of what I experienced. ImaChump, I think you're wise to point out that it's likely that Elara's H may still be withholding information. He was a trickle-truther, after all.

Elara, I noticed in your post from three weeks ago that your H's A consisted of sexting and phone conversations, but now you're noting that it was physical. Asking for a timeline and polygraph might be a good idea.

Is the AP married? If so, has her BS been contacted?

It is risky but I understand why you would want to see what could happen.

What does the work look like to you? What do you want to see from him? It’s okay if you don’t know, I am a "know it when I see it" type of person. But I think it might help if you go in with some expectations of what the looks like.

Basic things like no contact, full transparency, not one more lie (come fully clean now because if I learn about any more lies later then it’s over- including any past inappropriate relationships), writing a detailed timeline, answering your questions, all are common ones.

He needs to go work through in counseling how he came to this point and how he will manage his life moving forward, and then make steps towards that.

And then the next part is wait and see. I would not invest too much of your energy walking him through the steps, making his appointments or moving those things forward. He knows the stakes and it’s all on him to jump the hoops.

Find solid support systems for yourself, and focus on what you need. I know you have compassion and empathy for him, but he needs to show you what he is willing to do. You will need to try and look after yourself. It’s a huge trauma that just landed on you, and you need to use your energy for dealing with that.

That being said I do believe in the path back to each other and happy endings. You just need to be aware that sometimes the ws has convinced themselves of things that simply aren’t true and the highs and lows in an affair can cause sort of love addictions and then no contact is broken and further damage occurs. If he goes no contact and maintains it that is a good sign, and you making sure he knows it’s a hairpin trigger is also the right choice.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:43 PM, Wednesday, February 21st]

El-
I have 5 kids, and I am just shy of time you have been married.

I don’t want to come off as harsh, but you absolutely should not have any empathy for him having an affair and lying about it. At all. Where was his empathy for you when he was with another woman? People can change, but many cheating spouses take advantage of a BS empathy. They will use that as a weapon. And then suddenly you find out they are still in communication with AP.

Nothing, not a single thing you did caused him to cheat, lie, deceive, and overall treat you like shit.

You don’t love him, you love who you thought he was. True R is accepting that and rebuilding with the person with the mask off.

I am not at all saying what you should do, but I strongly suggest you see the truth for what it is. Ask me how I found out what the truth was

At the end of it. Years later . It will simply come down to what you can live with. You will find out things you will wish you never knew, you will be married to someone no longer on a pedestal but a person capable of things you thought they would never consider. Your innocent and naive trust will be gone forever. Replaced by trust but verify. And then left with the shitty choice. A choice you never wanted or were given any input into but have had it thrust upon you. Stay or go. Either is a shit ton of work. If you stay you put your future back in thier hands and hope they do the work, and you also have to do a lot of work on yourself. It’s no picnic. If you go then your future is entirely up to you but it’s a shit ton of work and all the social / family drama that creates. Affairs leave nasty scars. We are born, we suffer, we die. I am 10 years out now. And to this day I wouldn’t wish an affair on anyone.

I'd love any of your thoughts, advice, for me in this moment.

Some of the best advice I have seen on here has been that you have to be willing to LOSE the marriage in order to SAVE it. It seems that you are starting off on this well with insisting on ZERO contact with the adultery co-conspirator .

I have been married twice and cheated on twice. I have learned that the pick-me-dance does NOT work. NEVER. Just DON'T do it.

If your GUT is screaming at you...keep pushing. That seems like advice you already know though Dear Lady . When my H would tell me something...and it didn't seem right...I kept asking questions...until that puzzle piece FIT. After that...my GUT would get calm and then I could move on to something else. ALWAYS trust your GUT!

This feels like the riskiest choice, and I'm scared to death. I am risking my heart all over again, when I could have ended things and moved forward in that direction.

It is very risky...but everything worth having is always worth the risk . It takes BOTH people being ALL IN for Reconciliation to work. But Dear Lady...when it does...and you find yourself on the OTHER side of infidelity...it is MAGICAL !! I can honestly say that taking that risk was very much WORTH IT for me .

I didn't see it as a risk. I saw it as giving my H mercy. I also gave him ultimatums ! It was up to him to prove that he was worthy of ME. He proved it...and MORE! My H did the 1st ultimatum immediately...he sent a No Contact message to the adultery co-conspirator on Dday...and has NEVER contacted her again. He did do a lot of trickle truthing and we had a few setbacks here and there...but three steps forward and two steps back is still progress !

Hey, Elara. Sorry you're in it.

At the end, when everything was on the table, I felt flayed - and didn't know that such pain and tear production was possible.

Believe it or not, counter-intuitively, this is for the best, if you are going to try and reconcile. When I was going through it with my wife, she said stuff like "Why would you want to hear this?" and "I don't want to hurt you any more." I told her something along the lines of, "Oh, you can't hurt me any more. You've actually killed my former innocent self, and the new guy that's growing back is going to do so in complete and total awareness of who you are and what you've done. If I don't know everything, then I can't forgive everything." If you're going to reconcile, it has to be in totality and authenticity, and that includes everything.

So why is being flayed "for the best?" Well, that kind of dovetails with my response to this:

This feels like the riskiest choice, and I'm scared to death. I am risking my heart all over again, when I could have ended things and moved forward in that direction.

My best advice is to actually lean into this, and try not to be afraid at all. Why, oh why and how on earth can you NOT be afraid of being hurt in this situation, Minjob?! Simply put, because you ARE going to be hurt. Over and over again, when you think about what happened. Over and over again, as you notice your innocence and old relationship dying. Crushing pain as your reeling mind realizes time and again that you can never go back to the way it used to be and you just want to stop hurting.

Good Lord, Mindjob, you put such a rosy hue on it. This is because it's what worked for me, and I think fairly quickly. It really was awful. But the process was based off a couple of conclusions I drew.

1) There IS no healing the old relationship. It is dead, and the WS killed it. It must be mourned, but don't try to hold on to it, because it's a corpse that will NEVER return to life. If you are "reconciling" you are actually building an ENTIRELY NEW RELATIONSHIP that has to have complete authenticity and willingness to communicate without blame.

2) Every bit of pain must have its time on the stage. Every bit. None of it is to be avoided. You will WANT to avoid it, because it's unpleasant, and when things like this are inflicted on us, our brains try to straight up reject it. You don't want to experience this, but you must accept that this happened to you and integrate it into your new, developing self. You never EVER have to APPROVE of this happening, because it was wrong and will be wrong to the end of time. But you do have to ACCEPT that it happened to you, or the denial will eat you alive as you try to avoid the pain. There's no need to ruminate and amplify all the bad feelings and memories, just give them their time on the stage. Watch how they move. Feel how and where they hit. Acknowledge that it happened. Acknowledge that it hurts. And eventually...eventually....eventually...the edge and the point dulls. The impact doesn't hit as hard. Your stomach stops lurching. It's really the only thing that works, leaning into it and going through it until it loses its power to cause you any fresh hurt.

3) Your old self is going to die and there's nothing you can do about it. This is bitter and galling, and it is okay to be bitter and galled about this, because another human being inflicted this on you, and it's not your fault it happened in any way, shape manner or form. Be fair to your new self. Navigate the new, unpleasant waters very carefully with your eyes wide open. I guarantee there are things about your new self that you won't like, and that's okay, too. This new self of yours has every right to exist and every trait about herself has a valid reason, even if she can be a bit unpleasant to your old sensibilities. "This is just who I am" went out the window for me, and while I definitely miss my old, naive, relentlessly idealistic self, the new guy does surprise me sometimes. He's not as nice as the old guy, but well...I've kind of leaned into that too and quite enjoy it. Not a recommendation for you personally, just an example of how to settle into a new existence.

4) Your new relationship won't be "better," than the old, dead one, but it may be more authentic, honest, and earnestly communicative. In fact, it damn well better be. And hell, if you both earnestly and wholly commit to the authenticity, honesty, and complete communication, well...maybe in another 24 years neither of you will be able to tell the difference.

I have many other truisms about recovery, but these are the salient ones around dealing with the pain. It IS going to come. Baring your teeth and taking it head on really is the fastest, and most thorough way to recovery. And if it's not fast at all, that's okay, too. Above all, be fair to yourself. You always have permission to feel that pain, and it is right for you to do so.

And that fear you have of him hurting you again? It vanishes once you have the self-assurance that you know how to deal with the pain and heal yourself whether or not he's there to help heal it or not. When you know how to recover, the true strength in vulnerability emerges and makes you utterly unstoppable -- because then NO ONE can crush you and leave you broken, not even yourself.

Something unexpected happened then. Amid all of this, I became acutely aware of how much I loved him, and that I felt actual empathy for his experience.

One of the reasons I picked the name "Mindjob." (One of the many reasons, oy.) This dichotomy left me startled and weirdly interested int he middle of my pain. I told my WW at the time, that I still loved her very much, and I could walk out of her life and never speak to her again until my dying day, all the while loving her still the same. Now, I know that men and women love very differently, so I don't know if this mindset will be totally alien to you, but I wanted to make sure she (my WW) knew that my feelings didn't dictate my decisions, nor would they cover over any new incidents of adultery on her part.

I hope my experiences might be able to help you a bit. Nobody's situation is identical, so of course, one of the main things you should do here on SI is:

5) Graze at whatever patch of grass helps you and leave the rest of it.

Best of luck to you, wading through all this chaos and nonsense. As long as you are determined to emerge on the other side firmly at the helm of whatever ship ends up being constructed, sailing strongly through unfamiliar waters confidently, you will. It won't be pretty, but you will.

I didn’t R because I loved my H. I R because he proved he had changed and was no longer the lying cheating jerk he was.

He also recognized and admitted where he had made mistakes in the past. Which to me was a breakthrough b/c it signaled he was willing to change.

Although many people say they would divorce immediately if their spouse cheated, in the wake of discovery the knee-jerk reaction isn’t divorce… it’s to save the marriage at all costs.

That’s because the vast majority of BSs still love their spouses. Also, there’s children, finances, and shared lives at stake. Humans are creatures of habit and we don’t drastically change our lives unless we’ve forced to.

Therefore, there’s nothing unusual about your haste to forgive your husband. It’s natural to want to keep what you have and return to the status quo immediately.

The problem with giving the gift of R immediately (with no or minimal consequences) and with no expectation that R must be earned is that the cheater doesn’t do anything to change themselves or have any motivation to rebuild a new marriage.

I forgave my ex immediately and my reward was another Dday 3 years later with a different OW. I truly believe that if I hadn’t rushed to R, if I had set conditions, if he experienced actual consequences for his actions, the marriage might have been saved. Or, alternately, I would’ve realized sooner that he wasn’t committed to the marriage.

Your husband was lying to you as recently as a few days ago. You have good reason to believe that he’s still keeping secrets from you. It’s also possible that he hasn’t cut contact with OW yet or is just cooling things off until the storm passes with you.

You have a polygraph scheduled. At the very least, wait until the results are in hand before you decide on a course of action, whether to R or to D.

I have walked your path so far in many ways, both the awful Discovery process and the overwhelming love for my betrayer. I believe the length of your relationship, your family and your love for him and the life you built are all part of the decision process. But the most important factor is being able to believe you know who your husband is on the inside, not the mask he’s been wearing for you.

A word of caution - don’t be blinded by your love. Don’t assume you know who your husband truly is yet. Coming out from the shadows of a secret life is a slow painful process. You think you know your husband, but you only know what he is showing you. Time to stop trying to find all the answers to the big questions right now, in the earliest stages, and instead focus on figuring out if the person you love is the same person you are trying to R with. He may not know himself yet, or may not be comfortable sharing his true self with you.

All of life is risk. There are no right choices here, just hard ones. Just take your time, pay attention, quit relying on old thought patterns or overwhelming feelings of love and instead, pay attention to what you are going through in your marriage, pay attention to your WH, and realize that you are still in shock and traumatized and decision making will be impaired until you heal a little more. He has a lot of healing to do too, and it won’t happen if you decide to R too quickly.

I know how badly you want resolution and to move forward in the right direction, but I don’t think you even know where you are yet to begin asking questions about your ultimate destination. Take time to heal yourself and drink lots of water to offset all those tears. Watch how your WH proceeds, and what he is willing to do to earn your grace. Make sure you have seen behind the mask. I am getting much better at letting my WH’s tone and words tell me if I am getting the cover version or the real thing. Look for subtle things, like eye movements, fidgeting, unnecessary agitation, or avoidance, or using humor to change the subject. Call it out every time you see it, and ask what is making him respond with discomfort. It’s not easy, especially when you’ve spent your life feeling like you know this person better than yourself, only to discover you didn’t have a clue.

And don’t confuse the cancelled poly confession as somehow getting to the bottom of the secrets. If your story continues to unfold like mine, there will be more, and until he faces himself, he cannot be honest with you. Don’t rush to anything.

I just saw that he balked at the polygraph.

This was his opportunity to give you the whole truth and show that he was willing to put the work in to rebuild your marriage.

And he blew it.

I’m sorry this happened but you now know you have nothing to work with.

Your husband was lying to you as recently as a few days ago. You have good reason to believe that he’s still keeping secrets from you. It’s also possible that he hasn’t cut contact with OW yet or is just cooling things off until the storm passes with you.

I would bet that's the case. You're still in the Discovery phase and your husband has conclusively demonstrated that he isn't in the mindset to make himself safe or put in the work. It's very easy to grasp at straws and hope with the attempt to keep the shreds of everything intact. This is always a mistake in this situation.

You really need to find out who your husband really is. Maybe you still love him, and maybe you love the idea of who he is. You definitely shouldn't be rushing to reconcile. I completely second this from whatisloveanyway:

A word of caution - don’t be blinded by your love. Don’t assume you know who your husband truly is yet. Coming out from the shadows of a secret life is a slow painful process. You think you know your husband, but you only know what he is showing you. Time to stop trying to find all the answers to the big questions right now, in the earliest stages, and instead focus on figuring out if the person you love is the same person you are trying to R with. He may not know himself yet, or may not be comfortable sharing his true self with you.

My above post in this thread is about healing yourself in the aftermath. I'll leave it where it is, but it's really for several steps down the road. In the part of the road you're in right now:

1 - Don't expect good behavior from someone who has so thoroughly demonstrated his ability to act exactly the opposite.

2 - Don't confuse his answering of some questions as getting the whole story.

3 - Assume he's in damage control mode and trying to salvage something of his self-image.

4 - Assume that people don't change overnight. This involves hollowing yourself out, reworking established paradigms and values, painfully constructing new modes of thinking and feeling, and struggling mightily to wrest the course of your life into a new tack. If it doesn't look like he's doing this, he's not. If your gut tells you hes' not doing this, he's not.

5 - Watch what he does, not what he says.

6 - Don't be putting in work that is his responsibility, or what should be the responsibility of an individual who sincerely wants to change.

7 - Read up on the "180" in the healing library and implement it immediately. It is almost pointless to ask for specific things of your betrayer, because they'll almost certainly use it as a vector to try and manipulate you into feeling better, rather than putting in actual, real work.

8 - You should definitely continue your thread in JFO in order to get advice on navigating these waters.

- Mindjob

Something unexpected happened then. Amid all of this, I became acutely aware of how much I loved him, and that I felt actual empathy for his experience.

I experienced this, too.

All of our experiences are different; infidelity happens in different contexts and within different relationships.

I think the worst part of DDay was the terrifying idea that I did not know the person I had been with for 27 years. However, through the process of recovery--and I strongly encourage you to give this time before choosing reconciliation--I did come to understand how he got lost, how painful things in our lives led to depression and to emotions he did not know how to deal with, how dysfunctional coping mechanisms led him to betray himself, and how his affair was about his problems with himself, not with me.

I have found that there is healing in this—when I balance my empathy for him with an expectation that he demonstrate equal empathy for me. Empathy is hard for my spouse but easy for me. That means I have had to be sure to challenge him to grow, and reconciliation continues to depend, one year later, on evidence that he is working on this.

I have said this before in other posts. The affair was a wildfire. It burned us both to ashes. In all that devastation, we stood there stripped down and shattered but still able to love each other. It is not an easy road, and the relationship regrows slowly and, at times, unevenly. There are still bad days. Maybe there always will be. Yet, because I have found empathy for him, I can remember that this happened because of damage in him, not because of a failing in me, and that he is working to heal that part of himself, and that even in the face of his self-destruction, we choose each other.

You are taking a risk. Reconciliation can be an act of courage. If you take that step, commit to your own strengths. Feed those strengths, and you will be OK, whatever comes from your choice.

I have said this before in other posts. The affair was a wildfire. It burned us both to ashes. In all that devastation, we stood there stripped down and shattered but still able to love each other. It is not an easy road, and the relationship regrows slowly and, at times, unevenly. There are still bad days. Maybe there always will be. Yet, because I have found empathy for him, I can remember that this happened because of damage in him, not because of a failing in me, and that he is working to heal that part of himself, and that even in the face of his self-destruction, we choose each other.

Beautifully said.

No one was more surprised at my decision to attempt to reconcile than me.

And at the end of the day - I knew I needed to be able to look myself in the mirror and ask myself "did I do everything I could".

So here I am. And I have the strength that God Forbid should that change - I have no shame.

We are all different. And really don't know what we'd do until we [sadly] have to make that choice.

I do IC on occasion these days but that is always a topic I discuss. Ideals vs Reality.