SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It sounds like she thinks she has the option to come back to the marriage. She's acting as if she's a prize, and 2 men are vying for her attention.

Shut that shit down.

Investigate him. If he's married,call his wife. Don't tell your wife.

Nothing you did made her cheat. This is all on her.

Thanks all for your wonderful support. I suspect he is a serial cheater too. He stayed around long enough with the woman he cheated with on my spouse to have 2 kids, and then he was gone. I think he might actually have children from a previous relationship(s). Not certain. It doesn't matter. I don't care.

I did freeze some of our assets today, where any withdrawals requires both our signatures. I have to do the same for the business in the morning. I found out through their messages that she was trying to sell our business to one of our largest clients. Meetings and everything, so this has apparently been in the works for awhile. The only problem is that we are incorporated and I would have found out. What do you guys think about lawyers? Am I jumping the gun here or should I expect the worst and prepare for the worst? How is it that I am being put through all of this? I thought I knew my spouse. Everything was a lie.

I don't want to give specifics to violate anonymity rules, but I was just diagnosed with a life altering disease (not STD) and I am so filled with appointments. I have a doctors appointment for treatment in the morning but I'm afraid if I go to that, she might do something with the business account. I have no way of doing it remotely. I need to go in. How could she do that to me now? Oh fuck. Sorrym another panic attack

Hey OP, I'm sorry you found yourself need this site, but it is an amazing community. As a newly minted BS, you are at the beginning of a terrible apprenticeship. You have been forcibly thrust into the world of betrayal and subjected to the dark side of human nature. It's a shock, I know. It's especially shocking to people of good character.

The learning curve is steep, but the knowledge you will gain is invaluable. When you come through this, and you WILL come through this, you will have become a much stronger person. Just remember, what you think and feel today, you may not think and feel tomorrow, so take it slow and always give a measured rather than reactive response.

After Dday, I stood in the kitchen wondering how I could live without my WW. Now I couldn't care less if she sat in the middle of Main Street and set herself on fire. Your healing journey is just starting and it may be nonlinear. That's okay. Over time, you will move forward.

My advice is this. Right now, your WW is your adversary. You may be inclined to think that she would never do X,Y and Z, but she has already demonstrated that she isn't concerned with your best interest, so protect yourself financially. Talk to a lawyer, ask about joint accounts. She may empty yours and if you are not S, there is nothing you can do. If she comes around one day, you can rebuild, but I'm not a fan of too much intertwining. Too risky.

Good luck and keep posting and reading.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 12:48 AM, Saturday, October 28th]

What do you guys think about lawyers?

With a shared business you should have started there. You need accurate legal advice for your situation and details. Follow it to the letter. Especially after she threw the I dunno what I want. Find out what divorce looks like for you. Knowledge is power. She was plotting to sell and leave you for a cheating prick. After she was caught any hope she gives you is a stalling tactic so she can get her ducks in a row. Beat her to the punch. Don't let her control the narrative in the D. You don't know the depths she'll go to to get what she wants. Don't let yourself be step to be locked out of your home with a tro.

It’s important you understand that nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused your WW to cheat. Nothing! She made the choice to cheat because of her own brokenness and issues. Always value yourself. Do not do the pick me dance or pursue her. It never works. Take care of you and your health condition. You need to focus on you. I recommend no contact with your WW except for financial matters and only in writing by text or email. Get an attorney pronto to protect your business and financial interests. Move your credit cards into your name. Secure your assets. You should move quickly because it sounds like she is out to harm you financially. You’ve been handed a tough blow you did not deserve. But now is the time for firm action. Good luck.

She had secret meetings to sell your business? Yo your best/biggest client?

Dude that’s war!

That’s more than cheating sorry to say.

Get an attorney. ASAP!

Lock down your accounts. Immediately. In fact start changing your bank accounts especially for the business to your name alone. Protect yourself.

Change beneficiaries on life insurance and any retirement accounts, investment accounts etc. immediately.

I am speaking from experience. My H’s midlife crisis affair had me headed for D. I was the last to know. He & the OW were planning a life together. He was going to walk away leaving me with kids, a huge mortgage I could not afford on my own, his debts and everything else while he sailed off into the sunset with the much younger OW.

His OW was "interesting". Her best assets hung out of every shirt she owned. There wasn’t a spot in her body that wasn’t tattooed while my H was corporate America. They planned to have her step into my shoes and become the stepmother. ROFLMAO.

All I can tell you was I was smart enough to plan to protect myself and have a plan B. In short order I changed every beneficiary on anything I could. It was not my H. I opened up bank accounts he had no access to. I had a PO Box for my mail.

I had copies of every financial document including his retirement accounts. I had everything locked down.

I also got my hands on as much $ as I could just in case. And dday2 was the day I found out the affair never ended. So I kicked him to the curb and told him I was D him. That 30 second conversation did two things.

It restored my power in the relationship

It restored my self esteem.

In your case telling the cheater not to come home was the BEST thing you did. You don’t have to watch her cheat in front of you. You rock!

Now get an attorney and protect your business.

I am getting an attorney in the morning. You aren't going to believe this but she has been transferring thousands of dollars to this guy. I started looking through the bank accounts and noticing weird transactions, so I checked the recipient and it was him. She's also been buying him thousands of dollars of gifts on her credit card. How the hell does this go from what I thought was a happy marriage to this? I am so stupid. I am so naive. 18 years down the drain for a loser who obviously needs money to function.

I called the 24h line at the bank and the nice lady changed all the passwords on the accounts. I couldn't control my sobbing. She told me to get to the bank first thing in the morning because she could change the passwords herself if she gets to a different bank first. OMG! What did I do? She's not giving me any room to breath. I don't know. How much worse can it get?

Whoaaaa!

Well that’s it then. Your path is crystal clear.

Start accounting for the losses so that you might be reimbursed in your divorce settlement. Lock down the cash and credit and get a Separation Agreement time stamped to stop the bleeding.

Let your attorney handle everything from here on out so you can focus on your health.

Thank God you don’t have kids on top of all this!

A friend of mine went through a very similar experience as you, actually lost his business, and a health scare all at the same time. He’s kicking ass now. New wife, new thriving business. You will get through this.

Your WW is dangerous and unpredictable. Protect yourself. Don’t interact with her without your attorney or a witness or a VAR. Watch your emotions. Watch for false DV charges. Don’t get baited into doing anything out of anger.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:42 AM, Friday, October 27th]

That's a terrible update, she is committing financial infidelity / fraud. This is an enemy in the camp. You have to move forward with D and do not speak directly to her, all communication must go through the attorney.

Affairs alter brain chemistry and become highly addictive, she will do anything and everything to get that high. She cannot be trusted or reasoned with. Good for you locking everything down.

Now... it is time.

When up against insurmountable odds...
When all is against you...
When even hope is beyond the horizon...
When everything has been taken away...
To take a good look inside...
To see what is left...
To see what has awakened.

For at your core...
You still exist...
Your integrity...
Your compassion...
Your courage...
Are now exposed for the world to see.

Let your inner strength be a beacon to guide your way!

You will take a stand!
You will stand fucking tall!
You will not be beaten down!
You will not be bowed!
You will not be left for broken!

Let the lion roar!

When up against the gates of Hell itself there's only one thing to do.
Kick down the door and tell everyone you're in charge now.
And you're turning this ship around now!

It's going to be fucking hard.
It's going to be fucking tough.
And it is going to fucking test you.

But you know what?

You are even fucking harder.
You are even fucking tougher.
And you are more than capable enough to rise to meet this.

You're not stuck in this situation.
This situation... is stuck with you!

Hang in there brother.
You can more than do this.

Faithfulache,

I hope you are doing OK today.

Listen to Shehawk here. Some sound advice that you need to really listen to.

I am working on small habits even 5 years post my last DD. This week I bought a big stainless bottle I fill to remind me to drink water.

After my D Day in 2009 I went on a high protein and low carb diet. Lost a lot of weight. But I was not drinking enough water. This exacerbated the fact that I had already been prone to getting kidney stones. This diet (and my only drinking coffee) got me very sick (Soundwave blasting did not work, they had to go into me with lasers and tools to break up the stones, very expensive, very painful.) Make sure you are drinking plenty of water. It's amazing how you can forget to do something as simple as drinking water when you are in hell like you are right now.

Brother, I am so very sorry. At first I thought this was a pretty run of the mill affair (if there is such a thing) but these revelations have escalated so quickly as to severity it is stunning. With this:

You aren't going to believe this but she has been transferring thousands of dollars to this guy. I started looking through the bank accounts and noticing weird transactions, so I checked the recipient and it was him. She's also been buying him thousands of dollars of gifts on her credit card. How the hell does this go from what I thought was a happy marriage to this? I am so stupid. I am so naive. 18 years down the drain for a loser who obviously needs money to function.

I called the 24h line at the bank and the nice lady changed all the passwords on the accounts. I couldn't control my sobbing. She told me to get to the bank first thing in the morning because she could change the passwords herself if she gets to a different bank first. OMG! What did I do? She's not giving me any room to breath. I don't know. How much worse can it get?

You may not only be dealing with a civil legal action beyond divorce, you may be dealing with criminal liability on her/their part. Bring every shred of documentation you have to the attorney, pronto.

Go into severe self preservation mode right now. This is defcon 1. Stop all communication with her. She isnt just betraying you, shes actively attacking you on all fronts....mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. If she has abandoned your residence already, ask the attorney about changing the locks to your home. I think the only reason shes calling you is to take your temperature to see how long she can string you along. Its that bad.

For motivation as you traverse these rapids, print/scrreen shot and read SerJR's post as often as you need to as it bears repeating:

Now... it is time.

When up against insurmountable odds...

When all is against you...

When even hope is beyond the horizon...

When everything has been taken away...

To take a good look inside...

To see what is left...

To see what has awakened.

For at your core...

You still exist...

Your integrity...

Your compassion...

Your courage...

Are now exposed for the world to see.

Let your inner strength be a beacon to guide your way!

You will take a stand!

You will stand fucking tall!

You will not be beaten down!

You will not be bowed!

You will not be left for broken!

Let the lion roar!

When up against the gates of Hell itself there's only one thing to do.

Kick down the door and tell everyone you're in charge now.

And you're turning this ship around now!

It's going to be fucking hard.

It's going to be fucking tough.

And it is going to fucking test you.

But you know what?

You are even fucking harder.

You are even fucking tougher.

And you are more than capable enough to rise to meet this.

You're not stuck in this situation.

This situation... is stuck with you!

Hang in there brother.

You can more than do this.

On that note step up your self care to the max, nutrition, hydration, exercise, therapy, sleep aids, etc. Talk with trusted family and friends and keep posting here.

ETA: Please read "No More Mr Nice Guy".

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 3:54 PM, Friday, October 27th]

I’m so sorry.

It not about you.

The others are correct. Your wife is very likely in limerence with this man.

Go to you tube and look up "what is limerence"

But don’t get sucked down a rabbit hole of thinking this is some temporary insanity or some kind of temporary sickness.

This cannot be cured.

Yours is even worse as you are also dealing with the phenomenon known as "lost loves".

I say these dry explanations to tell you that it is not your fault.

These are very dangerous things that are more common than you think.

She is doing terrible things to you not because she hates you.

She is doing these things because she loves him.

He is all that matters. You are collateral damage.

Under the spell of limerence you should be happy for her. You should want for her to be happy.

Any resistance makes you the enemy.

You can’t fight this.

This is already very dangerous.

You need to move as fast as possible to separate your self from her.

You have no choice.

You have to let her have her new fantasy life.

The more you resist the stronger her feelings for him become.

I know it’s hard to think of the person you love as your greatest enemy but that is unfortunately your new reality.

Don’t fight with her, argue with her, try to persuade her. You may be able to get your lawyer to set up all communication to go through them.

You need to disappear completely from her life.

She needs to be alone with him in her new world.

But don’t expect her to come back any time soon.

She very likely will start to regret her decisions but because she has thrown away so much she will work hard to try and make it work with him.

Another term known as "sunk cost phalacy"

This is a big reason this is a contender for the most dangerous type of affair.

This could take years to work out.

You can’t wait.

Now there is a small chance that strong immediate action could bring her back.

But even if that happens you can’t fully trust her after what she did.

You have no choice but to get permanent legal protections for your assets.

Even if that means divorce and you start dating again.

I highly recommend you read the book "not just friends"

In the beginning of the book they reference this epidemic.

Find the footnotes for this section in the book and that will reference researcher Nancy Kalish, I think that’s her name. She has a whole website
Dedicated to this subject.

She believed that this needs to be strongly advertised nationally that people need to stay away from the ex’s on social media and in life.

I mostly wanted to second everyone that you need to move in quickly and protect your self.

But I also wanted to let you know that this is a legitimate real phenomenon so don’t make it as much about you.

It’s not your fault. Your wife opened a bad door she should not have opened.

She got herself in over her head.

I’m so sorry. My heart breaks for you.

Morn the death of your marriage and then bury it 6 feet under as soon as you can.

Freeze your business accounts. Request a full audit of all transactions posted to that account. Seek Restitution and seek legal action.

No more kid gloves or pining for aloving wife. that has not existed for a long time. What is now there is an embezler

[This message edited by lparistotle at 5:13 PM, Friday, October 27th]

Faithful,

You wrote.

You aren't going to believe this but she has been transferring thousands of dollars to this guy. I started looking through the bank accounts and noticing weird transactions, so I checked the recipient and it was him. She's also been buying him thousands of dollars of gifts on her credit card.

There is a class of men who live like parasites off women, and they hone their skills at seduction like they are craftsmen.

They can be ugly, disgusting or whatever but that just means they have to take longer to bring in their mark.

Their affairs are likely to be one sided love affairs, your WW loves him and thinks he loves her.

Yes I believe it and I am sorry I didn't shout about this danger to You in my earlier post.

Let everyone you know know so you can get some support, this OM has stolen from You and it no different from a bank robber who gets his crime publicized. You did absolutely nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with you.

Be glad you didn't run off with some horrible user woman who would make your life a burning hell like this OM will do to your WW.

Thanks all for thinking about me and the wonderful advice. I didn't skip my treatment because my health is more important. I haven't slept in over a 100 hours, so my doctor gave me some lorazepam to knock me out. Still nothing yet, but I am hoping soon. I think sleep will get my bearing straight once again. I was also told to drink lots of water, so shout out for the great advice everyone.

I went to the bank after treatment and coincidentally the manager had just gone through a similar scenario, but they also had a child. Let me say he was very eager and understood right away. I closed our joint personal account and moved all the money into a savings account that I only have access to, as kind of a quasi escrow account, meaning she needs to make good on the money they took before I start splitting things. I managed to move all the business money into a saving s account for now, where she also won't have access. If she asks, she needs to justify the expense before she has access to company funds. Since she's gone, its very hard for her to make anything beyond shareholder dividends.

I ran out of time, so no lawyer today, but first thing Monday morning. I also called the VP of the company she was trying to sell our company to and explained to him that she is persona non grata and I was making sure that they didn't have any outstanding contracts with us. I was trying to gage if there was a plan in the works, but he said it was just talk and they would expect to talk to me moving forward.

I also found out that she spent hundreds of dollars in "grooming" and lingerie the day before she left. This might sound petty, but she would have never done that for me. Not even when we were first going out. I know its silly, but there is something that just irks me that she is willing to pull out all the stops for a "lover" and not me. Not even try no matter how often I tried to convince her to go together to one of those stores like a bunch of giggly teenagers, yet this guy comes along and she's going on a shopping spree like its Black Friday. It really just eats away at my core, like something is physically the matter with me too.

I just wish she tells me what she wants out of the farm, so I can get it over with. There's no point in me making more improvements if its just going to up the value. I feel it might be time to change the locks on the door. I don't want her waltzing in one day with boytoy and I'm out in a far field. Although if he did show up here, I couldn't guarantee his safety with all the livestock guardian dogs around. I wouldn't put it past her to try. People. You never truly know them.

Im off to check out the definitions Confused282 suggested. Night all

First off I am truly sorry that you are here. Now on to the business in hand...

You have already received great advice so far and I am going to confirm some of it.

1. You are at war. With a very insidious enemy. There should be no thoughts about the wife and life you thought you had. Just react as if you have been invaded by an enemy that had inside knowledge of your operations and defences.

2. You have no time to wallow at this stage. I see that you have leapt into action and that is good. See as many attorneys as possible to find the best one and also stop her from engaging them (she cannot if you have already spoken to them). Protect your assets and finances first (before you protect your heart).

3. Find out if you can go after the POSOM to recover any money that went his way since he was conspiring with your "wife" to get this money. It sounds like she is a fool to go to him given his track record but it is what it is.

4. She is not coming back for you - that much is clear. Also do not expect the in laws to have your back or support you. God knows what she will tell them, blood is thicker than water and they have problems of their own anyway. So stop her if you can from coming back - change the locks if she stays away as she has abandoned the marital home.

5. Keep as accurate a record of all that she has spent, transferred etc so that it comes into the final reckoning.

6. Do any and every thing you can to destroy the POS (does he work?). Also I asked if she worked to make sure you keep her in a job so that you do not have to provide support. But you explained about the joint business. Protect that business. Does she provide any thing of value to the business by way of know-how, experience etc. If not then you can freely try and separate her from the business.

7. She has been planning this for some time and with him - it is very important to secure any proof of this and however you obtain it. It will come in handy when you seek to recover funds.

8. I am assuming that she got in touch with him some time ago and you should seek proof as this may even put a question on the validity of your marriage and whether you were duped into making her any kind of partner. I will also assume that they have been physical with each other so not only get yourself checked, but also make sure that anyone who is in contact with her is informed of this.

Good luck.

Nicely done sir. Use all that adrenaline, that’s currently coursing out of your overactive adrenals, to get shit done.

Get to an attorney before she does. The attorney will make sure that all your security efforts are above board, sustainable and defendable.

Keep the momentum going in your favor, staying 1-2 steps ahead of her. She’s mentally impaired right now, heavily distracted, drunk on limerence, preoccupied with her short term goals, her immediate needs and not thinking too clearly about long term goals. She’s an addict and addicts are extremely short sighted, and don’t look any further ahead than to their next fix.
Many times all the WS wants to do in this state of mind is to ride off into the sunset with their lover as quickly and easily as possible. Take advantage of this moment in time, while it lasts, to fortify your best outcome.

Careful about changing the locks at this stage. Check with the lawyer Monday but in all likelihood your home is still her legal residence. You could actually be charged with domestic violence for locking her out.

If you do it make sure you tell everyone you have security concerns, and of course the only reason she doesn’t have a key is because she isn’t there for you to give her one at present.

I was able to get a few hours sleep and boy does it make a difference. Water too. For some stupid reason, she contacted my estranged sister and asked her to look in on the livestock (from like 3 hours away), but in the same instant she cancelled all the feed orders I had coming in. She was probably seeing if they started dying of starvation. That's so psychotic. Anyway, my estranged sister defended me. She told me she figured this day would come with her. Nonetheless, a positive out of this situation is that I am mending the relationship with my sister, so that's a greater gain. My sister pointed out some interesting observations about CS (is that cheating spouse?). She said that she mimics people to draw attention and sympathy. I'm keeping this vague and omitting some details for anonymity purposes.

For example, a few years ago I had a farm accident and tore some muscles in my back. I was mostly immobile for the exception of doctors and physical therapy appointments. I had help come in. No sooner did that happen, she jumped from a hay wagon and broke her foot. I'm not talking about an accident, but a why on God's green earth would you jump from that, you are sure to end up with at least a sprain. Of course all the attention shifted towards her and I was forced to get back to work hopped up on morphine against my doctor's orders. A few years back I was suffering from depression and was diagnosed by our family physician and given some medication and therapy. A week later she was in the doctor's office complaining of depression. Didn't say anything to me about it. She was given medication and sent to a therapist. She always canceled her therapy appointments, but kept asking for more medication and said it wasn't working. The doctor did tests and diagnosed her with ADHD (a diagnosis that someone in the family had recently gotten). I am positive she played the test because it was fresh in her head after hearing about the family member. So, then came the prescription amphetamines. She kept asking for higher doses to the point I swear she was tweaking. I know ADHD and she didn't have the symptoms. She turned manic. Another instance, a family member came out about childhood abuse after extensive therapy and all of a sudden the same thing happened to her.

Of course, it wasn't obvious to me at the time, but I think she was fishing for sympathy and attention, like anything you have I can do better. The problem is that she is quite the extrovert and is able to connect with people quite easily, whereas I'm the introvert and prefer to soldier on rather than basque in sympathy. Actually, here is one of the only times I've really opened up. It's quite healing. Thank you all.