Me: BH 59
Her: WW 51
D Day 1 - March 2009
D Day 2 - July 2023 (Regarding event 22 years prior)
"Catch a wave and take in the sweetness, think about it, the darkness, the deepness, all the things that make me who I am..."

Question from a BH and WW attempting R with both posting on SI

My WW and I are working on our R. For the first time it seems she is really understanding the depths of the pain caused by betrayal. I feel that my pain and suffering is very similar to other BS posting here. What is helping her is seeing WS posts where they actually get support from WS folks teaching them how to understand your BS's pain. It's important for a WS to learn about the physical manifestations of such trauma, as well as that triggering events happen randomly and may never go away. My WW sees the difficult journey ahead of us. She is now understanding that she is going to have to deal with her own feelings maturely while prioritizing my feelings when I'm struggling.

Each day that has passed since July seems to have gotten a little bit easier for me. It's actually getting tougher for her, however. Since I became a member here, our communications have become less triggering and our understanding of each other gets deeper. I think this is happening because WW has been reading the stories here about BSs and becomes deeply affected by the pain she caused me (so many stories are so similar.) She's listening more actively, she apologizes for what she did, she promises to not get defensive (her guilt and shame caused her to shut down or shift focus to her discomfort) and just let me talk, cry, or sometimes walk away (or sleep in the other bedroom for a night or two.)

What did you folks do that you actually wished you did NOT do on here as a couple?

Conversely, what are some things that you wish you would have done here?

11 comments posted: Saturday, October 21st, 2023

It should not be this difficult...

I myself am right around the 3-month mark after finding out about my ww's "first affair." Until I found this forum a few weeks ago I felt that my situation was very unique.

March 2009 my wife left her cell phone ringer on. Her friend (female colleague) that she seemed to always be hanging out with texted her at 1:16am. The vibration of the phone on the wooden nightstand woke me up. I knew she was having an affair that very second when my ww told me it was just her friend (I refuse to say her name) letting her know that her plane landed. Really, who sends a text to a friend at 1:16am to let them know their plane landed? - Long story short, we recovered. She was sorry, no more contact with AP (only appropriate due to being colleagues), marriage counseling, individual therapy. I would say she did all of the "right things" I am reading here except she blamed me for the affair and to this day believes, to a degree, that I forced her to have a 6 month affair. During our recovery I learned that the affair ended when AP refused to come out of the closet to her family. If she was willing to "come out" my marriage would have ended. Discovering this set me back quite a bit in the recovery process.

This past July (2023) my ws confessed that she had a sexual affair with a professor at her university (she was not studying under him.) We were engaged and living together. This was un unprompted admission, completely out of the blue. She said that she had cold feet and the affair began when she went to his apartment seeking advice regarding cold feet marrying me. This revelation undid the past 13 years of recovery that we both worked very hard on. Up until the affair in 2008 to 2009, I felt that we at least had those magical days of first meeting, young love, yada yada. That first year was truly the happiest year of my life. Since this recent reveal I feel like I have lost everything. I have been unable to concentrate at a very stressful, mathematically intensive job. After 2 months of "faking it till I make it at work" I had to resign. I was not happy with my work, I was unable to give them my undivided attention and felt continuing to take the company's money was immoral. I do have another job now, it pays less than half of what my old job paid. Money will now be a slight hardship but at least this new job does not require much from my brain.

I was thinking of responding to KiboGaAru's "3 Days Post DDay" under "Just Found Out" but decided that it probably would work as a standalone post instead of a reply.

I have read so much good info on this forum. Thank you. I wish I knew about it back in 2009, but I am relived that instinctually I took many of the advised steps here.

Areas of concern are that
1) She remembers so few details of the affair with this professor. She does not remember exactly when, she can not remember his name, she can not remember how many times she slept with him. [I find this impossible to believe.] She also gets angry and shuts down if I bring it up.
2) I am shocked that something that happened so long ago can devastate me to the point that I could no longer perform my professional duties.
3) I never got tested for STDs because first AP was a lesbian. I am embarrassed to go to our family Dr. to have a STD panel taken. Any advise regarding getting tested?
4) I am now realizing that my wife has a mental disorder that makes lying and cheating very easy for her, and I am obsessed that she had many other flings and affairs. I traveled a lot without her. She had the means and opportunity. She would say I gave her the motive because (I paraphrase here) I spoke with a harsh tone a few times when I was upset.

I can not believe I am back in this awful place emotionally. I do appreciate all of you here and as many have testified, it really does help knowing we are not alone, and our situation, despite how embarrassing, is really more common that we realize. When I read others' stories the pain is palpable. I am sorry for all of our suffering. I feel better knowing I am not alone in this, yet in my physical world I feel alone often, even when I am with ww. I have a great therapist and it is helpful, but oddly I am realizing I have other pressing issues we are working on other than my marital issues. No matter what happens I will come out of therapy with a better understanding of my trauma (much from childhood) and how never dealing with this trauma has caused me to be remain in unfulfilling familial, romantic, and professional relationships. Understanding why I accepted less than honorable treatment from many others is going to help me navigate my future. I also understand now that there are worse things than being alone.

45 comments posted: Monday, October 16th, 2023