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Newest Member: cobblerock

New Beginnings :
Knowing one’s worth

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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 2:13 AM on Tuesday, October 17th, 2023

My life now is far and away from my life with WH.

As an example, a friend sent me a new to me (refurbished Amazon prime deal) smartwatch because mine was old and had stopped working.

They knew I needed one because I use it for medical reasons, and they know I am still recovering from WH’s post separation post divorce financial abuse.

In the past I might have been reluctant to accept such a nice gift. This time I warmly thanked the gift giver.

I realized that I had poured myself out to take
care of EXWH and he abused my kindness. This person did this for me because they recognized what I do for them and others.

I don’t know if the physical, emotional,spiritual and financial damage from my marriage to EXWH will ever heal. I fear I will always carry the scars.

But today I paused and breathed in that I am worthy of having my needs met in relationships whether it is affection, gifts, care, or fidelity.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8811898
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:11 AM on Tuesday, October 17th, 2023

That's awesome, Shehawk! You are worthy of having your needs met. Enjoy!

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8811906
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:17 AM on Tuesday, October 17th, 2023

You absolutely are worth it. And so much more. Aren’t friends wonderful?

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8811907
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 12:14 AM on Wednesday, October 18th, 2023

It really made me realize that I had such low expectations for how I should be treated.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8811967
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 8:43 PM on Wednesday, October 18th, 2023

It really made me realize that I had such low expectations for how I should be treated.

My boyfriend makes me realize just how low a bar I had set for myself in my M. It's amazing when you embrace and realize you are worth it!

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8812028
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 1:02 AM on Thursday, October 19th, 2023

So true crazyblindsided. So true!
Glad you are being treated the way you deserve to be treated.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8812048
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 12:08 AM on Monday, October 23rd, 2023

I am working on treating myself as well as I treat others.

I have a medical appointment out of town (was life threateningly ill with Lyme disease at DD2–about 12 years in between the first 2 known d days).

So I booked myself a first class ticket to the appointment. I have to go to the airport and change my name since I got pretty much forced to do that by EXWH (but how that happened is a story for another day). I figured that I would be exhausted and want a place to sit quietly before the flight and an easy drama-free seat on super crowded planes.

This is huge for me because (although I earned the majority of the money in the relationship,
EX WH shamed me when I spent money on myself (in this case we are talking around $60 More for the seat lol).

I remember being truly exhausted when I was with him. It is now like a weight has been lifted off of me.

I am just going to take a deep breath and continue to find more ways to take great care of myself.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8812480
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:08 AM on Monday, October 23rd, 2023

Enjoy yourself! $60 to upgrade to first class is a bargain!

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8812499
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 8:20 PM on Wednesday, October 25th, 2023

Leafields

Who knows, I might even buy myself some new clothes? It is becoming really clear how little I did for myself for so long just getting by and putting WH and doing the right thing first over looking out for myself.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8812808
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 12:18 AM on Friday, October 27th, 2023

On the topic of new clothes… that was another area that exwh was an abusive hack over. He used to simultaneously call me frumpy. Like ugly annd unattractive. Then slut shame me for the weirdest things (like a skirt above the bottom of the knee or an open-toe shoe). I would post this in off topic but there is that cheater overlay to the whole topic. I realize I have no idea how to build a post Divorce wardrobe.

That said I am looking around the airport American Airlines Admirals club (which I just applied to join using a credit card bonus offer). I realized men have it easier in terms of business and business casual attire.

Any thoughts on classy feminine brands for the 50 plus set who are more a size 8 than a 4? Broad shoulders like I do pull-ups and lift heavy things. Shoes to travel in? Favorite times of the year to buy said clothes? Like great sales or good times to stock up.

Pinterest boards? Catalogs?

Lots of changes in my new beginning.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8813001
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 3:13 AM on Saturday, October 28th, 2023

Shehawk, as a tall, broad shouldered female with 34 inch inseam pants and looong arms who has always fallen outside the limits of most women's clothing, I suggest finding yourself a personal tailor and having a few things made just for you!

Models tend to have wide shoulders, or so they always told me. (Growing up, I was always told I should have been a model. Not this farm girl!!) I tried to sew, but learned that tailoring a suit jacket or shirt is time consuming. Unless you are looking for flowy feminine dresses (not hard to sew), I'd look to find someone who can make you such clothing. Ask your local dry cleaners who they use for such jobs, you might luck out.

I used to hear Talbot's catered to taller women, but on a recent trip up North, I cruised through a number of New Hampshire Outlet women's wear stores and found nothing much is made anymore to flatter my figure, or was what I was looking for: feminine, but not that hippy 'sack dress' look! I guess the trend went that way because such loosely-structured dresses are cheaper to sew and sell, but the revival of that "flower girl look" is a huge turnoff to me, as I lived it the first go-round!

posts: 2071   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8813227
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 5:05 PM on Saturday, October 28th, 2023

Great suggestion Superesse!

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8813255
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Copingmybest ( member #78962) posted at 7:51 AM on Monday, October 30th, 2023

Isn’t it amazing how we can be self sacrificing and our partner can make us feel so low. Yet our friends and work associates can show us our true worth but we somehow seem to put so much emphasis on needing to feel worthy of our spouse, even after D day. It’s like we can’t even see our worth that our friends and associates have in us until one day it clicks. It took me a few months until I said F it and started to believe that my years of sacrifice was worth something. Good on you for accepting a gift from someone. And good on you for realizing that you are actually worth more than your ex led you to believe. Enjoy life and treat yourself because we only get this one chance. I myself a few days after D day finally decided it was time to be treated to some good so I went out and bought a Harley (used of course) and a convertible Mustang (again used, not going to. Low my hard earned cash foolishly)🙂, what a refreshing feeling to do something good for yourself. I’m so happy for you, and everyone else who has felt this way to find value in ourselves. Rock on girl, home you get your medical issues under control.

posts: 274   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8813396
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 6:57 AM on Tuesday, October 31st, 2023

"Isn’t it amazing how we can be self sacrificing and our partner can make us feel so low"

Sadly yes Coping. I hope you are enjoying your new vehicles!!

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8813512
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 7:35 AM on Tuesday, October 31st, 2023

Also thanks for the well wishes about my health. I have recovered a lot since leaving EXWH despite the continued post separation post divorce abuse.

(I have been NC for years not seeking new hurts. In fact I intend to live the rest of my life without being within 100 miles of EXWH. However, he has continued to use the Court/legal system as an agent of abuse.)

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8813516
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 3:54 AM on Tuesday, November 7th, 2023

Got nice comp tickets to 2 different sporting events in the past week and went to both!
Still realizing how everything revolved around EXWH’s narrative (big bag of lies).

Thoroughly enjoyed the sporting events. Most enjoyable part was being with people who were upbeat and easy to be around. EXEH was not. Then again he cheated and lied most of our marriage.
Turns out active waywards are (in my experience) energy sucking vampires…who would have thought.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8814239
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 11:12 PM on Saturday, November 11th, 2023

Redid a holiday this weekend. Had a lovely time!!! Highly recommend. Went out for a nice Veterans Day coffee and lunch with someone celebrating the day. Had a lovely time. It’s becoming my new norm.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8814907
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 1:51 AM on Monday, November 20th, 2023

I decided to write another post because when I had no hope I had only other survivors experience strength and hope.

I had an amazing date Friday night. We ordered off of the specials menu. It felt amazing to enjoy such good company and fabulous food.

The Restaurant was a redo of a place I had been in my M because we were not able to get reservations for the place we intended (busy season in our area). But the rest of the night was definitely not a redo.
Pleasant conversation with a man who is doing interesting things with his life. Sitting there ENJOYING the tasty food with someone who is lifting me up rather than sticking a knife in my back made me realize how truly peaceful and good my current life is!

I don’t know who needs to read this. Maybe still me at times. Don’t lose hope! There is life after infidelity, and it can be fabulous!

My date and I picked out dessert at a boutique sweets shop, so we had that at "home" later with a nice glass of wine from a bottle he had selected and purchased ahead of time.

Yesterday my friend made blueberry pancakes from scratch, and we had that with real maple syrup for brunch with some espresso from the beans we purchased at the coffee shop we went to after church last weekend.


The simple things in life can be so delightful. We make amazing meals and have lovely times on a very modest food/entertainment budget.
The espresso machine was even a gift because it needed some work (which I was able to do, and it works great now). It’s like the sucking down the drain that was created by EXWH’s more than 3 DECADES of cheating has been now been plugged and good things can now flow in and stay.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8815756
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countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 3:56 AM on Monday, November 20th, 2023

I wish we had a "like" button! Such good news!

3 adult sonsMarried 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021
Life is Good!

posts: 528   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8815761
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 12:20 AM on Friday, November 24th, 2023

Thanks countrydirt

And again another holiday repurposed where nothing dramatic happened. (EXWH was the person missing who was not missed in the slightest.)

Lovely meal out with friends.

Great breakfast date (organic turkey filling in an omelet as a nod to the day, blueberry pancakes that were made and frozen from the past weekend).

Beautiful day.

Do not for one minute believe that life will not get better.

Life is good now.

Monday I am moving in to an inexpensive new apartment rehabbed commercial space in a downtown area. I am selling most everything from my previous life to get myself as upright as possible post divorce but being free of EXWH is priceless.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8816095
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