SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Congratulations on your engagement! That's exciting news. So happy for you. You deserve a great guy.

Thanks leafields!

One thing I have noticed is that my nb is consistent. And there is a peace in that.

We had another nice weekend. We made a couple of new dishes and a tried a couple of new side dishes that we decided we actually like. The most striking thing was that I could stretch a bit and experiment with cooking without the paralyzing fear I lived with for decades. In my ex wayward marriage I had to walk on eggshells to avoid poking the bear and this constricted things like food choices to what the bear wanted.

That’s in the past tho. And I am glad to shed the paralyzing fear that went along with it a little more each day.

One of the dishes we made this weekend was a tasty Thai style shrimp soup. I even ate it spicy adding the red pepper flakes—which is a little out of my normal palate. The thing that is healthy about my nb is that even if we tried making the dish and we absolutely hated it, life would still go on with no shame, blame or drama. We both enjoyed the soup and ate it as a redo with an Asian inspired slaw salad with dates, walnuts and vinegar based dressing for dinner yesterday.

We also are heading out of town for the afternoon today so premade an also tasty califlower based dish with tahini sauce with lemon pepper flavor. I will make a couple of organic chicken cutlets in case either of us want protein in our lunch before we head out of town.

We have a celebration of life (funeral) to attend out of town this weekend so we did a little shopping this weekend to find something for me to wear. Things were a bit sparse size wise in dresses with return to campus shoppers hitting the few stores we have in our area, but I did find a lovely emerald color silky fabric blouse that I can wear with a pair of black pants. We were aiming for something a bit more cheerful than funeral attire but still respectful. I still need to get a pair of black shoes but we will get it all sorted in a peaceful manner.

We got to visit for bit with a friend I haven’t seen in awhile. She is a friend I made after I left the marriage. One of the changes I can see in my relationships in general is that I am seen and my wants and needs matter too. It’s not just a one way relationship street. She works for a grocery store that has a nice selection and when they reset the store she often buys gluten free things for me. And she keeps me stocked in "green" cleaning supplies when she sees them. The small gestures like this make life so much more pleasant.

We attend a more casual dress worship service so yesterday I wore a new more boho style blouse my fiance had picked up for me from our local boutique while I was out of town as a welcome "home" gift along with a pair of white jeans we had previously found at the same boutique. They compliment my body and coloring. This sort of stuff is a huge part of my nb for a reason I will elaborate on.

We were out of town last weekend helping family and looking at the first of areas we might want to retire. We took some time to deliberately shop for some things that will make me more comfortable as I deal with the recurrence that was found at my mammogram appointment. I bought a pair of large red splash floral print lounge pants (was looking for that splash of red for this fall), a pretty teal shelf type tank top and a pretty pale nudepink color loose cropped bra top. I happened to casually look in my closet this weekend after we got clothes washed and put away and I realized that this is the first time I can remember having pretty things like this to wear "just" to be comfortable "around home" much less multiples. It was a great sale so the truth is I haven’t reached the point of paying full price for things yet. Perhaps that day will come. But for now I am enjoying what I have and the fact that I am out of infidelity.

It’s going to be critical that I take exquisite care of myself. Unfortunately the trigger for the recurrence was the extreme stress of the divorce-related events. The mind-body connection is not even considered woo woo hocus pocus thinking even in major medical settings anymore. There is scientific theory with evidence that extreme stress causes what I am dealing with. I was told to limit stress the first time. EXWH was my long-term husband at the time so knew the likely effect of his I. I even found messages between him and ap and other infidelity supporters about how I can cost people their lives. I can’t go back and leave the first time I caught him cheating. That ship sailed. But I did find the strength to leave him the second dd. And my fiancé and I will do what we can for me to survive this curveball.

I hope you are all creating the lives you want and are surrounded with the peace and love you deserve.

What a bunch of ups and downs, Shehawk. First, I'm so sorry about your health problems related to the stress of I. Second, I'm sorry for your loss. (Your outfit sounds nice, though. I love green and black together.)

In my ex wayward marriage I had to walk on eggshells to avoid poking the bear and this constricted things like food choices to what the bear wanted.

Were we married to the same a-hole? I learned to have a large pantry and always ask what sounded good for dinner before making anything. If he didn't like it, he'd go in the kitchen to fix something and leave the biggest mess for me to clean. Near the end, he wouldn't even respond when I asked what he wanted for dinner. One time, he admitted that he wasn't answering me because he didn't want to. Ugh!

It's so nice to hear how your nb is going and that there are nice people out there. I haven't started dating because I'm having a grand time by myself and don't want to have to take anybody's input about what to do for a weekend. I'm being so incredibly selfish, but I'm enjoying it.

this is the first time I can remember having pretty things like this to wear "just" to be comfortable "around home" much less multiples.

You deserve it, Shehawk. You've fought long and hard to get here. Self-care is so important.

Thank you for the update.

It just might be that we were married to the same person leahfields or a clone at least.
However the review mirror is small for a good reason. Bye bye cheating selfish hard to live with "boys"…

We had to be out of town this weekend and were able to enjoy cuisine that is not really available where we generally are. I had a luscious cashew based "cheese" vegan nachos with crunch spicy jalapeños and got some tasty chocolate sprinkle and coconut gluten free donuts to take on the morning flight. For the main dish I had a half order of vegan southwest sweet potato yumm
With beans, corn, a cashew-based sauce, scallions etc

Then we took 2 airplanes and got in MAV the Ford Maverick truck to get where we needed to be. It’s a long story but we had to adjust things we were doing almost 180 because a company that was shipping something for us their documents did not come back as being in force—things like their insurance and licensure. We did what we needed to do and did not put the item being transported in their care without docs and dealt with getting it where it needed to go.
Noteworthy is that neither of us lost our composure or made anyone miserable over what was a situation someone made very difficult.
Both of us also communicated with the carrier immediately and took a trust when you verify position. When people talk about trust with me now it’s earned trust.

My fiance and I had to completely rearrange our priorities to deal with the situation this company caused us. We had to let our kayaking trip go and postpone our holiday brunch get together. Not everyone liked what we had to do. But we kept track of what we had to do to take care of ourselves and our primary objectives this week.

I am getting better at "letting them". Just letting people do what they do. There is no need to
bargain or discuss. And let people think what they think about me. And I am getting better at letting people who are morally gray or worse go..one lie and you are gone from my life.

Amazingly we have had relatively uneventful travel. We should probably buy a lottery ticket because our second flight was only one gate away. And traffic is currently fairly lite.

We were able to enjoy the place we had to go..bought a couple of coasters to remember the trip by and enjoyed a ride on one of the spectacular carousels!!

[ have help this week to finish packing and selling what we can of the rest of the things from my previous life. We are going to put me in a situation where I have little else I will need to do other than live simply while I pay the debt from the divorce and focus on surviving the recurrence. I have a second opinion scheduled in about a month. And we are tailoring my diet based on solid medical research and recommendations..]

I hope no matter what you are facing it is getting better and that everyone gets their chance to find their peace and joy.

Sorry that you had to change your plans due to the transport company's issues. I'm glad that you were able to complete your primary objectives. What a difference it can make when your partner is an actual grown-up and not an entitled man-baby. (I had some flashbacks to some pouting, tantrums and miserable conversations. Ugh!)

Sounds like you had a fun weekend, despite things not going as planned.

Good luck with your next appointment.

This week we are in the lovely Penn mountains at an executive extended stay hotel. It really is lovely. Hot breakfast that I don’t have to cook myself (Fiancée is up much too early in the day for us to do too much with breakfasts on most weekdays)…pulled chicken in tortillas, scrambled eggs with a fresh toppings bar, lots of fresh fruit, make on demand waffles with whipped cream, oatmeal bar with toppings and an array of other choices. Funny thing tho. None are served with the side order of drama, trauma, and chaos that was either of us was served when we were BS.

The studio apartment is lovely with granite countertops and a full size fridge, comfy full size couch, soft king size beds with comfy pillows and a Mountain View. This week all I have to do is relax and enjoy the week while they are in meetings. Tonight we will find somewhere lovely to eat. I am hoping for something we would not usually have available where either of us lives (maybe Indian or a great seafood place).

We had a relaxing week last week and got to connect with friends and family. One of my friends found out that I was looking for an ice cream maker so I could make some cold treats that were more suited to the diet I will be on for my breast recurrence (lower fat, reduced caffeine, more plant based). I am planning to lookup some yummy sorbet recipes and maybe see what I can do with frozen plant based milk and decaf coffee. She gave me a pampered chef mini ice cream maker and I am looking forward to using it!!

My fiancé and I took some time to civilly discuss finances and make sure that’s still on target.
Every month I pay something down on the divorce debt. My budget really should not be workable, but it strangely seems to be working.

Last week I was able bless someone else with something we didn’t need as we have continued sorting through the few belongings that I had left after the divorce. I don’t want to have to pay for storage and need to get what little personal stuff I have left sorted out of where it has been stored.

I am dealing with a lot of deep emotions about not being able to successfully defend myself in the divorce and what the court did to me. The judge gave me zero say in what I did and didn’t get in the divorce and that she allowed exwh to manipulate the system and her and lie and steal so much from me. I had to pay for stuff he didn’t want that I actually hate as well as stuff he broke and damaged at whatever price he made up that it was worth as well as stuff he had concealed and stolen and said that I took.

I just try to find a positive way to move forward.

We have been able to bless quite a few people with the surprise of us gifting them things they truly need that we don’t. We tell people to just do something good for other people. If Karma is a bus then I am hoping to put the right fuel in it. And if what we put into the world does come back to us, we keep trying to put good things out there.

And every day I work to put the wreckage of my almost 40 year marriage and relationship in the rear view mirror and not carry it into the current relationship.

I am planning to get some coaching or therapy that my insurance will pay for. And I am hoping to be able soon to start doing a hobby I gave up in my marriage. Mental health is as important as "physical" health.

I try to post a bit in case anyone needs to read my story. I wish the survivors reading this peace, prosperity and healing. No matter the worst it got for me every day surviving is far better than the days I spent as a betrayed spouse in infidelity.

Shehawk, your posts are very helpful. It's nice too know that there are normal relationships out there for those of us who have only experienced abnormal relationships.

So glad you had a normal relationship during the weekend and your positivity during a health crisis. I hope things go well for you during your recovery. ((hugs))

Cheers for you!!

Thanks Superesse!

Life is (still) good. We slept in a bit today and then had to deal with calling apartment maintenance to fix an issue with the shower that intensified because they chose not to deal with it when we reported it yesterday. I am getting better at stepping back and identifying what is not my monkey or my circus…not my circus that their choices caused them to have to work on a weekend. Also not my monkey or my circus that there is apparently no access panel or water shut off for individual apartments.

The apartment smells like pumpkin caramel tonight (wheat and dairy free muffins my fiancé made because I am on a more plant based lower fat gluten free diet for my medical recurrence). He is a great baker!

I was thinking that sort of diet change would be culinary purgatory, but so far so good… We had a bit of a day trip today doing errands out of town and enjoyed pasta for lunch with a delicious vegan tomato sauce. The salad that came with the meal had a lovely presentation with kalamara olives, tomatoes, carrots baby greens and a homemade vinaigrette.

We also went to the local natural foods coop where we were doing errands and found a surprisingly great tasting vegan "pimento cheese" spread and some beautiful local peaches. We had a nice "pimento cheese" and chips snack tonight after we got back to the apartment. Tomorrow I am gonna try making a vegan "cheddar cheese" paired with fresh local peaches on gluten free bread.

This definitely beats the shit sandwich (infidelity) I was fed in my marriage.

I am slowly getting together what I need to restart the hobby I used to enjoy. I picked up a cute t shirt on the Simply Southern sales rack: "Don’t let anyone take your sparkle". I am not a screen sprint t shirt kinda woman, but needed something I would not mind if it got dirty for my hobby. More on that hobby to come in future posts…

For now, That’s right y’all. Don’t let anyone take your sparkle.

Bump by request.

Sorry, I was having problems getting access.

I try to post on occasion just in case anyone needs to read this.

I am slowly continuing to heal..I made it through another significant antiversary.

I had been out of town dealing with some things that I needed to do for family responsibilities, and fiancé planned a lovely brunch date at an upscale place he had eaten at several times for work. And he surprised me with a beautiful leather jacket I had been looking at on the sale rack :) some gorgeous fall cut flowers, imported chocolates, a pretty holiday candle, and he stocked the apartment with a variety of my favorite foods including some things he baked and a nice bottle of wine.

I am consciously working on adjusting to our new normal.

Part of my healing process is related to spending money. I lived so much of my life in my ex marriage in fear of what drama trauma and chaos was coming my way (edited the funny typo out…)

I am also working on enjoying my life including consciously eating good food. I ordered at the top of the menu for brunch, along with 2 beverages and a lovely desert (and my fiancé did likewise).

We then did a bit of holiday shopping for his work colleagues and family. Things got a bit too peopley (too many people) for me pretty quickly haha. So we got a nice cool beverage and headed back to the little apartment to relax and do some work. The weather is very up and down here so it’s not feeling much like Christmas but I do not really miss the extreme cold and snow I grew up with.

I am adjusting to the apartment. It is not what I worked so hard to create in my ex marriage. I lost a stunning amount I worked hard for financially due to EXWH’s deceit. But there is an orderliness and peace to my current situation that I never had with the ex marriage.

For one thing, I find I have much more resiliency. Exwh came from a family with multiple deceptive cheaters and addicts who created havoc for the faithful spouses who got caught up in their web of lies. There was a lack of empathy that was difficult to see because of the haze of deception and the social facade. But it was definitely felt. After leaving exwh I no longer have vampire dreams…coincidence ? Or not?

I am making steady financial progress on my divorce debt.

I am working on rebuilding my physical health. I am heading to Mayo Clinic for a health recurrence related to the stress of the brutal divorce. Exwh knew that stress could cause a recurrence. But in keeping with who he actually is, he chose to do what he did. I am taking handfuls of supplements suggested by the other top tier medical facility I consulted about the situation. We chose Mayo Clinic for insurance coverage reasons and are making giving me the best shot at survival a priority. My heart goes out to one of EXWH’s family members who is a betrayed spouse who is not so fortunate. I cannot overestimate the toll this takes on a body. I regret the time I spent in false R and limbo.

Relationship wise things are going well. I don’t miss the so called friends I lost over the infidelity. I have plenty of friends to spend time with. And my fiancé and I have a good life. We decided to join a gym again so we would get to spend time working out together. We both have "free" options at work or through our insurance respectively, but this would be a positive way to spend more time together since fiancé is in school and works.

We have a vacation planned to Universal Studios for Valentine’s Day. It should be relaxing and fun! We haven’t decided if we are going to pay Mickey Mouse a low key visit too. I used to go to both quite a bit when I was a Florida resident.

Spiritually I struggle with how unfairly things seem to have ended. It feels like evil won. The cost of the D to me was stunning. It is a Herculean effort to fight against lies. Sometimes the truth does not prevail. There are people who blame me for what happened and people who judge me for not being "over it" by now. It’s easy to throw around the words "bitter ex spouse" when you were not the one betrayed. To them I say in my mind "until it happens to you".

At times I even think that it would be justice if they walked in on exwh with their spouse …

Humor helps me survive this.

If you are asking yourself if there are good relationships and good people out there, I would say there are. No one is perfect. But when you stack a faithful partner (whether a former w who has worked hard to become a safe partner or fbs or someone faithful who has never been touched by infidelity) against an unrepentant unsafe wayward, the difference becomes crystal clear.

I wish everyone on these boards a happy and healthy holiday full of love and peace.

Edited to remove a funny typo :)

[This message edited by Shehawk at 12:54 AM, Wednesday, November 27th]

Thanks for posting, Shehawk. I do try to follow this post because I appreciate your perspective.

I'm so sorry about the effects stress has had on your body. I feel so sorry for some of the new members who have yet to find out how infidelity can affect your health.

Your fiance sounds wonderful. It is nice to know that there are great people out there. Enjoy your trip.

Thank you for posting about your healing journey.