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New Beginnings :
Knowing one’s worth

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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 3:04 AM on Monday, January 22nd, 2024

"One of the vampires is an energy vampire, and that's what I used to call XWH. He could suck your emotional energy so fast."

^^^^^this sadly

We had a lovely drive back to the apartment. Great southern homemade meal with friends on the way…fried chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans and Klondike bars for dessert. I was too full from the mashed tators to eat desert.

The temperature was falling back into the negatives, but "Mav" the little off-road Ford Maverick that could (aka the "Barbie doll" truck) rolled right on up the mountains, around curves, on backroads and highways….

Next week it’s supposed to be 60 degrees, so maybe it will be time to try out the "sand" setting on the truck (just kidding but the weather is a wild ride!)

The date was a great time.

There were still some Trader Joe’s JOJOs (basically Oreos) left luckily laugh so I had that with a small glass of the local wine we picked up on our last trip while they did some work they needed to catch up on.

We got MAV unpacked and we carrried things up the several flights of stairs to the apartment with no drama.

For so many years I was convinced that it really was me. It seems that it actually was not me. Imagine that … it’s not just that there is no drama, but believe it or not I haven’t had a single person cheat on me since I divorced EXWH

laugh

Reminds me of a song… "good riddance" to all my bad decisions.

Keep on healing everyone and stay warm!

[This message edited by Shehawk at 4:38 PM, Monday, January 22nd]

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8822034
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 8:32 AM on Monday, January 22nd, 2024

Reminds me of a song in Malibu's Most Wanted

Traffic, traffic
Lookin for my chapstick
Feelin kinda car sick
There's a Ford Maverick....

Sounds like you had a great time. So glad you are recognizing that you were never the problem.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8822046
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 2:46 PM on Wednesday, January 24th, 2024

Thats’s cute Leah!

"MAV" is getting used to work after "his" vacay fun—driving a major highway to a different work location. SO is working a lot, traveling for work and working a lot on school for the next couple weeks.

While that will mean no time for fun dates etc. in general life is still peaceful and respectful.

We talked about what we can do to support each other through this. I have been cooking a bit more. It’s hard for me because EXWH criticized literally everything I did including cooking so I take it on a day by day basis. I still have very little confidence.

I am stable, healed enough from the trauma to not be constantly (trigger warning for serious effects of severe trauma) no longer struggling to not unalive myself no matter how much damage exwh and his lying lawyers did with the divorce. I am working on recovering, spending time with friends, thinking about picking up a hobby, and working out the finances to buy SO’s higher mileage but well maintained car relatively new safe car that he is helping me get since he has a new one. He got it checked fully out, got it a new battery and serviced and handed me the keys.

It’s not a car that I would have picked for myself and we both know that (more of an executive sedan than the small car I would pick for myself). But it will be the first car I have had since exWH left taking all of our vehicles years ago while I was life threateningly sick. SO is doing this for me because they can. He practices the law of cause and effect and he has seen EXWH be a nasty piece of work to me and me keep getting up after being knocked down so he wants to give me a hand up. The car is worth so little trade in value, so I can afford it.

The new battery and spark plug set were about 1/3 the value of the car lol. It’s humbling, but I am going to keep getting up off "the mat" and fighting. I only lose the fight when I don’t get up.

For those who enjoy a little Karma Bus story, I do think I see the Karma Bus. While the world is a big place, it’s hard if not impossible to have a positive outcome without working hard on ones self. No matter where we go, it’s seems there we are.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8822261
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OptionedOut ( member #69105) posted at 4:54 PM on Friday, January 26th, 2024

Oh man, hugs. You definitely deserve good friends and good people after what you went through. I also wonder how much of the damage is permanent for the betrayed. I sadly suspect that some percentage is there to stay for many of us.

Hopefully, it will be less over time and with the right people in our lives. Meanwhile, I think it's okay to doubt and to be careful. The trick is a healthy balance. Clearly, I'm still navigating that as well. Seems we're now part of another level of the club we never wanted to be part of. Hugs. And congratulations on seeing your worth.

posts: 278   ·   registered: Dec. 12th, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8822562
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 2:51 AM on Sunday, February 11th, 2024

Optioned. I would really like to think that there is tremendous potential for post-traumatic post-abuse (I believe infidelity is extreme abuse) growth and healing.

My so told me today that they appreciate the fact that I am honest and straightforward. Now I was kind of hoping that what they would appreciate most is that they think I am hot lol
But nope. They appreciate that I am no drama…

They are a former BS and are a successful sane-acting person and their betrayal was so brutal that it’s their story to tell not mine.

May we all experience peace and healing.

PS a friend bought a new car and I have use of the car they did not trade in. I went over half a decade with no vehicle because EXWH took them when he left and I have been rebuilding. I walked, took the bus, ride shared and friends took me places for literally more than half a decade.

Everyone reading this, you are stronger than you think!

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8824207
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 2:55 AM on Sunday, February 11th, 2024

Also we got a second chair!! So now there are 2 chairs in the living room.
So progress!!

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8824208
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 6:04 PM on Tuesday, February 13th, 2024

I am continuing to post just in case there is someone out there who needs to hear that peace and good things are readily attainable post infidelity.

Had a civil conversation with bf about Valentine’s Day related to their current responsibilities and our desires. We decided together to celebrate.

Maybe the meal kit food box I ordered with food they especially like will actually show up on time. Maybe it won’t, but it won’t be drama either way.

Maybe some people think that we are not being romantic, but if I wanted grocery store roses or the extreme long stems all I would have to do is express a preference.

There is no game playing and no drama. Either or none is on the table.

As I posted elsewhere in the Valentine’s thread, good chocolate is a pantry staple. There is a particular store that stocks Belgium chocolate very reasonably and we just stock up. We keep. Bottle or 2 of good wine in the rack.

I can’t even begin to describe how absolutely normal and good and non dramatic life is out of infidelity.

It’s like a weight and chains were lifted off of me.
And I have peace.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8824459
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 10:16 PM on Tuesday, February 13th, 2024

Wow. It sounds so grown up and adulty. Who knew? LOL. Honestly, it sounds like you have great communication and can decide on things together.

I hope the meal kit shows up. I did those awhile back, but have been thinking about restarting the service. They send enough food for the two of us and it keeps food waste down.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8824502
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 12:24 AM on Wednesday, February 14th, 2024

I can’t even begin to describe how absolutely normal and good and non dramatic life is out of infidelity.

It’s like a weight and chains were lifted off of me.
And I have peace.

It's the best feeling in the world wink I am absolutely loving my life right now. I was miserable for far too long. Everyone deserves a happy peaceful life like this.

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8824518
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 6:59 PM on Wednesday, February 14th, 2024

Leafields the kit showed up as promised! So fancy fun shrimp dish it is.

I have sort of mixed feelings about the kits but I do like the no food waste and trying new things aspect of the kits!

Looking forward to a lovely drama free day. I used to walk on eggshells (more like broken glass). Now things are peaceful with my relationships and life. It is so much easier .

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8824585
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 1:58 AM on Thursday, February 15th, 2024

For those who think life will not get better. I can promise you it will.

I absolutely had to get to the place where I knew I deserved to be treated with honesty and decency.


We had a nice walk, a great meal we made together. And I got a lovely card with the opportunity to pick out a piece of Tiffany Jewelry to celebrate the day (we met in Chicago so Tiffany has a relevance in our relationship).

When I got to SI I was in terrible shape from decades of infidelity, gaslighting, abuse, and finally discard when I was life threateningly sick and then years more of legal abuse after I decided I was done living in an involuntarily open marriage. What I have now is light years from what I survived.

I happen to be in a committed exclusive relationship, but I would be alone before I would ever go back. I now know my worth. It’s not measured in fancy gifts (although the Tiffany charm will be a lovely addition to my collection). It’s measured in peace!

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8824643
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 2:00 AM on Thursday, February 15th, 2024

And crazyblindsided we absolutely do deserve it! Peace finally.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8824645
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 8:21 PM on Saturday, February 17th, 2024

For anyone who needs hope that there can be a great life after infidelity…

Life remains peaceful and good!

We got up late today up and enjoyed some fabulous-tasting imported chocolates with some crispy local apples we picked up at a local natural foods coop yesterday and some locally roasted coffee with some collagen in it.

The semiautomatic espresso machine we were given is still working great—it’s an easy one button push if you are not barista - inclined.

It’s been shocking almost how nice the apartment stays and how few things break as compared to when either of us were with our EX Wayward spouses. Both of us were constantly picking up the pieces of their bad decisions and that’s just not the case now.

We took some time to check in and see how things are going financially and otherwise. Sharing the small apartment has been a good choice so far. Short of living in a less expensive country, I am not sure we could be living less expensively most anywhere else. The apartment gets a lot of natural light so the highest power bill so far has been around $65 a month even in the coldest months. High speed internet is only $50 which is so good compared to the internet deserts we both used to live in…

We decided to take some time to pay some bills and then we worked a bit more on our very rational budget. It really is so much easier for both of us not having spouses who lit us on fire financially and otherwise and then partied when we burnt.

We then decided to go do some errands since we did not get the bad weather that was projected. We did a little shopping, had a nice salad bar Saturday lunch special, and finally got the seat covers on their new truck since the sun was shining!! The pantry is stocked with some great specialty ingredients for some new dishes we want to make.

I got a chance to wear my new shoes I got for Valentine’s Day too—a trendy pair of casual "sneakers" that are lightweight and slip on so will be great for travel etc. It made me think a bit about how I made sure the people in my life were well dressed and cared for and how I often in the past I resisted doing the same for myself. Changing that is part of my recovery from infidelity.

It’s well well past noon here on a Saturday and the Drama Llama has not made an appearance. People have asked if they will ever recover from infidelity—if they will ever not be in fight, flight, or freeze. I see myself coming out of it more and more every day. But the first thing I had to do was believe that it was possible and that I deserved it.

Wishing everyone peace and healing!

[This message edited by Shehawk at 8:23 PM, Saturday, February 17th]

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8825111
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 9:07 PM on Saturday, February 17th, 2024

Shopping and salad bar? Sounds like you had a great day so far. Isn't it great not dealing with the Drama Llama? I'm so glad you're in a good place right now and enjoy reading your updates.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8825114
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 10:44 PM on Wednesday, February 21st, 2024

I am having another lovely drama llama free week. Believe me when I say life can and will get better away from infidelity.

I got invited to travel with my bf where he is working and he planned a lovely dinner last night. Took me to a quaint supper club type place he has gone to before when working here.

I could almost see my dear late grandmother sitting in the place wearing a coat with little fur accents and drinking a stiff whatever it was she drank. I ordered a dish I had never tried before—flounder almandine. He suggested a crème brule Godiva chocolate desert. It was marvelous.

I did things I should have been doing for the past almost 40 years I was married. The decades I put other people first.

I slept in a little today and then did took myself out and tried on a little perfume (not sure what my new signature scent will be…).

I also bought myself a couple bottles of great healthier for my nails nail polish, a new hairbrush because I forgot my hairbrush (oops) and I got myself a haircut. I am becoming more and more myself every day.

(Trigger alert, but EXWH cheated at least within 5 years in our almost 4 decade long marriage and probably sooner, so he severely devalued me likely our entire marriage. The thought of taking exquisite care of myself is pretty new territory for me again.).

The absolute only thing my bf will say about how I spent my day is "good for you". And the reason for that is that he spent his day doing things that are fulfilling and make a difference. He also does not have a scarcity mentality where if I get attention or give myself attention he doesn’t view it as taking anything away from him. More about this in a future post. But suffice it to say that I have found distinct attitude differences between wayward and no wayward thought processes. I am so glad to be free of the oops edited to say former.

We will likely find somewhere lovely for dinner in a few minutes and then later a swim in the indoor pool where he is staying.

I absolutely do deserve this amazing new life and so does everyone else who has or is surviving infidelity.

The peace and happiness is phenomenal!

[This message edited by Shehawk at 3:46 PM, Thursday, February 22nd]

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8825493
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:04 AM on Thursday, February 22nd, 2024

What an awesome update! I hope you post how dinner went. Self-care is definitely a break-through when leaving an abusive relationship.

Enjoy your time away.

[This message edited by leafields at 3:00 PM, Thursday, February 22nd]

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8825528
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 1:05 PM on Thursday, February 22nd, 2024

Oooooooo...what a DELIGHT it was to read through this thread this morning grin !! I absolutely LOVE IT!!! Thanks so much for sharing!! PEACE...ahhhhh...what a FEELING!!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6620   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8825559
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 9:42 PM on Friday, February 23rd, 2024

I am back from the trip and relaxing with a decaf espresso and chocolate truffle late afternoon snack (don’t laugh I am too old for caffeine after 12 noon).

Leafields, the dinner the other evening was fabulous. We shared a scallops and shrimp fajita for 2 with flans for dessert. Yumm.

The seafood was cooked and seasoned to perfection and the guacamole was fresh! Yumm.

And here is the amazing part. The fun doesn’t have to end. We are sharing space in the small downtown apartment. Or more specifically I am spending more time there while making my way through the aftermath of the divorce.

Tonight we are going to pick up a couple of ikea sectional pieces we are buying from a friend of a friend who is moving, so we will officially have enough furniture to invite friends and family over.

We will get up tomorrow morning and have a lovely weekend breakfast: pancakes with European butter and real maple syrup, fresh juice from the omega juicer we were gifted.

And maybe we will get an inexpensive frame for now to hang the art photo that a friend who is a photographer gave me as a late valentines gift today. The plants we have been gifted love the new place and are doing great. We have been truly blessed. We sorted through things too and gifted others with thing we did not need or use and blessed others, so it’s been a healing process.

I am in awe of how things seem to be working differently than when I was with exwh. It felt like things with him were chaos…his decades-long pattern of deception creating a vortex sucking me down?

I am not saying this has been easy.
I sold most everything I had in my (not his btw in case anyone is wondering) place to survive the divorce. He stole things. He hid assets. And much more.

But it seems the good I have put out in the world is spontaneously returning and rebuilding is occurring.

I try to think less and less about EXWH every day.
And to just enjoy the peace…

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8825905
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:36 AM on Saturday, February 24th, 2024

I get the decaf, as I don't drink caffeine after noon, or I can't sleep, either.

I love fajitas and seafood. They are so tasty. I'll pass on the flan. It's a texture thing, so you can have my share.

My DIL is a plant person and is part of a free plant exchange site. I have a brown thumb, so I'm envious of people who can grow plants.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8825943
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 1:37 AM on Wednesday, March 27th, 2024

A friend got me an ice princess philodendron as a welcome home gift. It’s fitting given how this spring has either been hot or ice lol

My bf is planning to take me to a different European country this fall when he goes there for work.

We bought an older very lightweight dresser to stash shoes and misc in in the hallway of the apartment (remember, it’s a 3rd floor walk up so light is absolutely a must). I am looking at doing crafty stuff to it like decoupage since it’s a brown wood and shows some wear. Anyone ever do that?

We decided on getting a rug that has a thicker pad with changeable washable tops (wasn’t sure if I could say the brand) to absorb some of the noise from the downtown traffic. Found a few gently used options. I am even considering splashy colors and large patterns :) which is new for me…

We are enjoying the modular loveseat (not sure if I can say the brand but the one that comes in little boxes and gets put together lol). We bought it off of marketplace already put together from someone who was moving and managed to get the 2 pieces up the stairs no drama, but I was not sure how I would like it….

The what I call the "Barbie doll truck" (the maverick) is proving to be tremendously useful!

I found a pretty floral flouncy prairie style dress for this weekend at the thrift store. I am going to pair it with a blue jean jacket if it’s cooler. I also have a pair of tan brown leather mules(shoes) for if it is cooler and a pair of sandals on the off chance it is in the 70’s. But the fact I bought a spring dress guarantees that it will snow at least a foot for Easter!

We haven’t talked about food for this weekend. It will be just the 2 of us since my bf has school work this weekend and we won’t be traveling.
Funny thing tho. What won’t be getting served up will be a drama llama.

Hope that this holiday and Spring season brings much peace and healing to all!

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8830896
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