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Newest Member: cobblerock

New Beginnings :
Knowing one’s worth

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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 12:17 PM on Friday, November 24th, 2023

Sounds like you had a lovely day. I agree, life without XWH is priceless.

Good luck with your move!

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8816107
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 2:48 PM on Tuesday, December 5th, 2023

Leah it is. And I am working to get his poisonous programming of me out of my head.

This past weekend I dropped into a local boutique to check out clothing and there was a HUGE sale.
The person I was with picked out a pair of $200 shoes for under $40. And at the urging of the sales person and my friend she put a few dozen things for me to try on.

Background is that for years I had a very small wardrobe because EXWH was very mean to me about my body type, choice in clothes and basically everything.

I walked out of the store with around well over $1000 in clothes and shoes bought at far more than a 75 percent discount.

A lot of the things are spring summer styles so *gasp* when spring rolls around I will be wearing last year’s fashion. But I also bought several things I can wear now like a pair of low heeled boots, a couple of pairs of leather mules and some layering pieces and a pair of shorts for the gym.

In all I found 3 pairs of $200 shoes, 2 pairs of shorts, a summer gauzy shirt, a couple of pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of $$ yoga pants, and some other layering pieces. I was going to get a couple of items. But the friend I was with gathered up everything that fit and paid for it all. And they told me to pick up a new handbag and a watch band when I find one.
(Before eyebrows are raised, I do/have done a lot of significant things for the person who did this for me..iow not a sugar baby transaction. And this is not a significant expenditure for the person who did this.)

I also had another friend do me a huge favor in terms of helping me complete a difficult task I could not in any way do by myself. Call it Karma, cause and effect or whatever, but I have also done significant things to help this person.

I did not expect the people involved to do the things they did. That was their choice.

I am writing this just in case anyone needs to read this. The world is absolutely functioning differently for me than it was when I was with exwh.

My point in writing this is that I put myself dead last and sacrificed myself for exwh. There is a time and a place for that at times in a relationship. But I have a lot of lessons to learn in terms of self worth and self care. And I am slowly learning to RECEIVE rather than just give to people who

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8817355
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 5:48 PM on Sunday, December 10th, 2023

So much of my new beginning is flipping the switch from surviving infidelity to thriving.

I am selling the (limited) belonging I had at the time of the divorce to pay for food and necessities. [EXH stole truckloads of valuable easily saleable nice stuff and lied and manipulated the system… Straight-up unrepentant wayward stuff. I told the truth. EXWH made the divorce process that brutal.]

I am now sharing space with someone in a small inexpensive urban walk up third floor rehabbed apartment space. I am sleeping on a mattress on the floor. We don’t even have a couch yet or a kitchen table. I do have a hand me down desk as of next week. I have a hand me down computer. And I am rewriting my story.


ExWH told me he would break me if I divorced him.

I am unbreakable. Next I am unstoppable.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy return of the Light, and all other holidays!

Sending thoughts for peace and healing to all.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8817950
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 2:02 PM on Thursday, December 21st, 2023

I don’t know who needs to read this but as someone I met at a business conference often posts "Never Give Up".

I am choosing a deliberate redo of another holiday—heading to Chicago for the holidays for another do over for a couple day date. I expect it will be lovely.

(Have been there with EXWH many times. This is a bit of a hot button city for me because we have strong connections there and I discovered significant things about his cheating when we were staying there.)
But I am taking the chance on the whole redo. I was married for a long time, travelled extensively with EXWH, and, aside from moving out of the country, I am sort of stuck with the memories unless I avoid more than half the country.

Still no furniture really in the new place. It’s a third floor walk up so tricky. But I prefer sleeping on a mattress on the floor to sleeping with an active wayward.

[For now all I can really say is that EXH lied to the Court in stunning ways. My take away is to not underestimate what an active unrepentant wayward is capable of or willing to do.]
But I am making some small slow progress on cleaning up the substantial financial damage EXWH inflicted in the divorce. I have about 7 years of accumulated credit card and similar debt payment at a payment level of around 1/3 of my current income. The outcome was stunningly bad for me. But I am free of EXWH.

I did get the hand me down adjustable desk and hand me down laptop set up. There is WiFi. I still need to get bowls. Most of what is in the kitchen is thrifted or FB marketplace. But for now I am physically safe and warm and am free of infidelity.


I am enjoying wearing my new clothes. They are cheerful, pretty, and flattering.


My new saying is "cheers". And not in a nice way. "Cheers" EXWH. I left you and you did not break me. There is a core part of me that is unbreakable.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8818946
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 2:41 PM on Thursday, December 21st, 2023

Good luck in Chicago. I'm glad you're having a re-do and I hope you have a fantastic time.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8818951
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 10:21 PM on Saturday, December 23rd, 2023

Thanks Leafields. Yesterday started with a lovely breakfast at their apartment in another state with them making me an omelet and a fabulous cup
of homemade hot cocoa from
some farm fresh milk we had gotten as a gift. A couple of uneventful flights and an Uber ride later and we were downtown in the Windy City.

I had a wonderful time. Stayed in a lovely hotel in a city view room. Gorgeous views. Amazing farm to table breakfast experience, and then a little sightseeing and shopping.

My date found me the exact pair
of gloves I had been wanting for awhile as an early Christmas gift. Chicago has a way of turning on you weather-wise, so this was a much appreciated gesture.

We found them some clothes (sweater and a nice flannel shirt and a belt they needed) on the "last chance" sale rack. I always did love shopping the Mag mile sales racks! Where they live now it never gets Chicago damp oh so cold, so they needed a few more layers.

The lights and trees are splendid.

We will meet up again for the actual holiday. And nothing to worry about..I have known this person
for several years so not a random guy I met online lol.

I had a lovely time and we will have to do it again. There is so much to do in Chi town. Although the crowds downtown today were the heaviest I have ever seen! So I am ready for a little down time while he visits family for a few days.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8819298
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:02 AM on Sunday, December 24th, 2023

Glad you're enjoying your time and having a good re-do. Sounds like you had a good time. Enjoy your downtime and the ability to recharge before the next phase.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8819309
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 1:24 PM on Tuesday, December 26th, 2023

As far as nic3 dress clothes go for work I personally love JJill Chicos and for the less dressy but well made comfortable stuff for casual wear is Duluth trading.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20206   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8819409
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 4:07 PM on Tuesday, December 26th, 2023

As far as getting clothes to go with body types, if anybody else is in the same situation as I've always been, (taller than 99% of women, longer arms, broader shoulders, and larger bust size!!) it can be a real challenge to find shirts that can take my outfits up a notch, without going the "cowgirl country" look. Nowadays, jeans are easier to find that fit any build, but shirts are a different story! I think many companies sell what is easiest for them to MAKE, fewer seams, less fabric, etc. I'm appreciating Ariat and Wrangler women's shirts. Used to be strictly western wear, but lately they have regular buttons, not the snap type. And double seams which helps the clothing last a lot longer. Usually cotton blends. I feel more "together" when my shirt enhances my facial features and looks like I made some effort to put color into my wardrobe.

To find these type shirts, you need to go where country lifestyle supply stores are. Not the malls.

posts: 2071   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8819415
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 2:42 AM on Saturday, January 6th, 2024

One of the sharks from the tv show talked about buying clothes for where you want to be. For me it is far and away from EXWH.

I have a job interview for a "good enough" part time job. It’s a starting point.

The downtown cheap apartment still has no real furniture but we did order an inexpensive simple bed frame for one bed. A little bit at a time.
No drama.

The desk is nice and works great for me. It’s stand sit adjustable and comfortable. I am getting used to the hand me down computer. The friend who handed it down got a new one because it did not charge with the USB C port lol
It’s a higher end less than 2 year old laptop with a great processing speed. So counting my blessings.

I have a few plants that were gifted to me. They survived a month with me so far.

We had a no drama no us cheating holiday. So apparently it really was never either either my friend or I causing the previous constant drama in our lives laugh

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8820485
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 3:22 AM on Saturday, January 6th, 2024

Happy New Year, Shehawk. Fly high!

Love the no drama holiday! Let it be your New Normal.

BTW, regarding my prior post recommendation on shirts, a little FYI: when I washed my new Wrangler red flannel shirt, it faded considerably and the dryer shrunk it a whole size...good thing I got it a size larger!! Somehwat disappointing, but still fits, and still not a bad look. Ariat is better made, although more pricey.

Fun places to hunt for furniture and such are Habitat for Humanity Stores. Thrift shops are fun, too. 😀

posts: 2071   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8820487
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 1:23 AM on Sunday, January 7th, 2024

Superesse I hate that when clothes shrink and colors fade. Sorry that happened.

We have been working on making the apartment more home-like…putting up some posters and framing a few things…little at a time. No drama.

The kitchen is now decently functional. We have a surprisingly good automatic espresso maker that was gifted to us because it needed TLC from sitting up not being used. I reprogrammed it etc and it’s been doing great for quite awhile now.

We connected with someone who is moving so the plastic folding table we have been using to eat on is being replaced finally Monday with an inexpensive but nice quality vintage wooden small library table that can be repurposed for some other use in the apartment once the vintage kitchen table we are going to put in the kitchen eventually gets picked up out of state and scraped and refinished (friend’s family member made it a few generations ago and the paint is a mess so it’s gonna get stripped to the light colored wood which should look nice). It is approx the same era as the building that was repurposed into the apartments.

I spent some time today putting pantry staples into half gallon jars to keep things fresh and so we can see them. Still no drama.

We put a water filter on the sink faucet and did a few other things. Still no drama.

It’s been a peaceful holiday even with wild weather swings and plans having to be be rescheduled. No chaos.

It’s a stark contrast with what life was like with EXWH. And even though it’s hard starting over from what can feel like ground zero, it’s priceless.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8820530
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 2:53 AM on Sunday, January 7th, 2024

Aw Shehawk, you're on a roll!! I love fixing up vintage things and it sounds like you will treasure your new finds, as I did mine after my D back in 1981. I lost my husband, my job, and the home I designed and built us, all at the same time due to the economic crash of 1981. Forced to start over at age 32 with only the clothes on my back, a ratty old window van, and my electric guitar and amp!!

When I was able to afford my first piece of new furniture, after relocating to another state for work, I paid my own hard-earned cash, and it wasn't cheap in those days: $60 for a bentwood frame 3 shelf bookcase. I still have it in a bathroom, 40+ years later, and every time I see it, it still reminds me of how I survived. You are rocking this New Beginning in a New Year!

PS wearing my faded red flannel shirt as I type, and still like it....it's the tomato red tones and the soft, well-worn look that suits me just now.

posts: 2071   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8820534
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 3:20 AM on Sunday, January 7th, 2024

"Forced to start over at age 32 with only the clothes on my back, a ratty old window van, and my electric guitar and amp!!"

I guess the saying "you are a rock star" is actually literally true for you Superesse. I am so sorry all of that happened to you.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8820536
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 4:13 AM on Sunday, January 7th, 2024

Well, shucks....not precisely all I had to my name at that point, Shehawk, but thank you. I actually had a storage locker I paid $45 a month to store what came out of the large home I'd built, which was mostly things my mother had given me and stuff from my grandmother's house, which I wanted to keep for the family. I paid on that darn storage locker for 7 long YEARS! Even my mother thought I should have just let it all go...but I was travelling light after losing my 20's. In 1988 I finally got a steady enough job I could go back and retrieve it all. Rented a 22 foot Ryder truck (stick shift, 2nd gear stuck!) and drove 900 miles over the highest mountains in West VA to bring it all back to my new Apartment!! :)

posts: 2071   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8820538
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 3:13 PM on Tuesday, January 9th, 2024

There are some truly epic comeback stories on this forum. To me they are fabulous new beginnings.
I have spent a lot of time in the area you drive that truck through Superesse and that is truly an epic comeback. I started this thread because it occurred to me that the first thing I had to do before anything else is to know my worth.
Separate and apart from any relationship I might have with a partner.

It’s not material or financial (although I think making a financial comeback after betrayal is truly epic). It is coming to the point that I absolutely know my value and worth.
That my wants and needs and desires matter whether I am "alone" or in a relationship. That I can own my history and don’t care in a healthy way what people think of me.

Trigger warning about potential mental health impact of infidelity
That is a long way from where I was when I was struggling to get back up after being emotionally, spiritually and financially stabbed in the back and at risk of unaliving myself from the trauma.
The people in this forum literally saved my life.

I think reclaiming (also referred to as calling in or back) your own power from this sort of thing it’s pretty epic. And wherever someone is in their journey there is no shame or blame. I completely mean this. Whether someone is still down on the mat metaphorically and can’t get up and like I was when I was struggling to literally stay alive or they are still fighting.

Trigger warning for not being a "nice" "girl"
And I don’t owe it to a single person to be "over it".

In fact, I am at the point that people who have told me I should be over (having the person who should 100% have had my back be the one holding the knife) can (something I probably should not say in this sort of public post) themselves and show themselves out of my life.

Whether I "forgive" EX WH (which I have no plan to do because he is not sorry for the pain he causes people so it didn’t go well the last time I "forgave" him) is absolutely no one else’s business but mine. I am not telling the people in my life what moral choices to make and (boundary) expect the same level of respect in return. That doesn’t mean I am not willing to engage in a dialog about the pros and cons of my decisions. But my days of eating shit sandwiches with a side of gaslighting are officially over.

To me the latter 2 things are powerful: honoring my story and my own moral choices.

Wishing everyone much peace and healing in this New Year.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8820724
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 1:53 PM on Tuesday, January 16th, 2024

We got a chair for the living room.

It involved driving 2 plus hours one way and taking the thing apart but still no real drama.

We made a trip of it and got a nice lunch, made a little stop at Sam’s club which we don’t have in the area…it was a pretty sunny day in between all the winter storms.

Love the chair. It’s a used stressless chair in eggplant color. It’s in nice shape and something my housemate wanted and we could afford used. The goal is to get a pair and then figure out the rest of the living room.

A friend who is a photojournalist/ photographer donated a small print to a holiday "dirty Santa" gift exchange and I was gifted it. So I got a cheap frame and those command strip things and found a place on the wall for it. It coordinates really well with the chair color.

The big heavy mid century blanket chest I was gifted we had painted awhile back is moving to a bedroom to hold extra blankets etc. So things are slowly coming together.

It’s a rebuilding process for both of us. We were both the "nice" honest ones in our shocker divorces.

I guess I will keep posting on this thread for awhile. I know that it meant a lot to me to read other’s stories—to know that there was peace and healing on the other side.

It’s better for me to have to rebuild than it would have been for me to stay in infidelity.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8821310
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 2:44 PM on Tuesday, January 16th, 2024

Shehawk, please keep us posted on your New Beginning like this. It is good to see someone rise from the ashes as you are doing, and personally, I'm reliving parts of my life journey whenever you describe how you are creating a new home base!

posts: 2071   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8821316
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 12:17 AM on Sunday, January 21st, 2024

We are having an amazing long weekend "date". We did a little shopping today for some local foods and bought some spices for a bit of variety cooking at "home".

The meals have been fabulous. Thai yesterday and Greek with counters and counters of desserts to pick from today. The Thai was amazing and more low key. The Greek was white table cloth casual. I have been doing mostly vegarian so I got an appetizer to share and a vegetable side. They got the nicest piece of salmon cooked to perfection and we shared a dessert.

Yesterday we did a quick Trader Joe’s run for snacks since it’s cold with unpredictable weather and my date is spending some time on work during the trip. They had some reading to catch up on. It was cupcakes cheese, crackers, some nuts and small glass of local wine from a bottle bought during one of our other trips for me for dinner haha.

Things are still drama free. We discussed things like preferences for eating out, food and activity budget, activity planning etc easily and are fairly well-aligned. Typically they treat when we eat out. That’s been an adjustment for me after leaving EXWH. He was so self focused and sucked up all the energy in the room. But learning to relax and receive good things is part of the journey now for me.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8821961
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:40 AM on Sunday, January 21st, 2024

I love salmon. Thai and Greek foods are some of my faves, too. Cupcake, cheese and crackers? That's a charcuterie board. LOL.

Isn't the lack of drama the bestest?

There's a TV show called What We Do in the Shadows that's a vampire comedy. One of the vampires is an energy vampire, and that's what I used to call XWH. He could suck your emotional energy so fast.

Enjoy your time. I appreciate your updates.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8821974
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