SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For those of you that chose to D your WS, how did you tell them and have those conversations?

I'm leaning toward D (we're S now), and my biggest issue right now is how to have the conversation with WH to really let him know I want a D. I've consulted with attorneys and was advised it would be faster/cheaper if we could try to agree on everything, but my WH doesn't want to D and still is holding out hope. Every time I mention the possibility, he's devolved into a mess and keeps telling me how much he loves me, will make it up to me, etc, etc. I'm trying to keep things from being contentious, so I'm being kind, but I think that's making it appear there's still hope for the M.

I'm trying to figure out if I'll be able to have these conversations or if I'll just need to file (serve him with papers). In my state, that would make it contested and likely drag things out quite a bit. Really just wondering what others experiences have been and also how you handled the guilt, sadness, depression (all the things I'm feeling) when trying to move on from a WS that doesn't want things to end.

Hi Landslide, I guess there is no nice way in telling. My husband, he was the WS, told me he wanted to divorce. I just stood there in disbelief and then started to, I don't know, let's say it wasn't my greatest moment.
If you know you know. Tell him, give him a moment and leave. The sooner the better! For the both of you.

I "told" him by letting him answer the door when the process server arrived. He didn't tell me about his affair, or when he went undercover and was still in contact with Shrek, so I figured there was nothing else to discuss.

I probably wouldn't have a discussion even if he hadn't had an affair. Once I'm done with someone's BS, I bounce.

But I can be totally closed off once someone F's me over. I once broke up with a boyfriend who cheated without confrontation or without a conversation. No discussion, no drama. He figured it out when he couldn't reach me after a few weeks.

The sadness, time faded. The guilt? I've never had any during break ups and also in my divorce. What could I possibly be to blame for?

[This message edited by StillLivin at 7:50 PM, Sunday, September 3rd]

A good friend of mine just divorced in April under similar circumstances. Her H definitely didn't want it, and love-bombed the heck out of her the whole time to try to get her to change her mind. I think he would have been happy to live in limbo indefinitely, but she was just done.

I think that if I were in your shoes, I'd contact the attorney and get my ducks in a row, and then tell him that you have decided that D is what you want and that you hope that he will make it as easy (and inexpensive) as possible for both of you. That's really a kindness, IMO.

I plan on setting up and furnishing a condo a little at a time, while he's out somewhere I'll load up the pets, our son lives with us, so he'll likely come too. I'll block him on my phone and hide my car. He'll figure it out when I'm gone and the process server shows up at the door.

We were actually in an MC session at the time, because he had manipulated the situation.

While deciding whether to stay or go, I had a hard boundary that if he had any inappropriate contact with another person, I would immediately move to D. Well, he went & visited a relative who lives out of town. During that time, he had inappropriate contact with somebody, and she told him he had to tell me or she would because I deserved to have the information. He knew it would be the end of the M.

So, we went on vacation and I knew something was up by the way he was acting. Our MC session was Monday evening, and he told me while in the office. That's when the voice inside my head let me know that he would never be a safe partner, I'd done all I could to save the M and I was done. I told him that because his actions crossed the boundary I'd set, we were now going to D. I told him we would be roommates until I was able to find a place to live.

I gathered the information needed to D, and discussed options with him. I treated it like a business transaction, which it is.

I appreciate all of the responses so far! Although we've all had to go through these horrible experiences which are similar in so many ways, we're all so unique and it really is helpful to hear the different perspectives.

Helena:

If you know you know. Tell him, give him a moment and leave. The sooner the better! For the both of you.

Good advice. I know I'm overthinking it a bit. I've been talking to a couple of people in my close friend/family circle and their advice is helpful, but more centered on ensuring I ease him into it. Not for his sake, per se, but to hopefully make the whole D less stressful and contentious. I agree with their advice, but delaying the conversation makes me doubt my resolve (not necessarily that I am not resolved but thinking that if I were really resolved I would have discussed it with him already). I hate being in limbo, and not talking to him about it makes me feel like I'm in limbo.

It's been almost 3 months since DDay and I haven't been able to envision a future with WH that would bring me any semblance of happiness. I just can't see how I could ever forgive him or love/respect him anywhere near how I did before. I feel less like I'm struggling with whether I want to stay or go because of my feelings for him and more that I'm struggling with it because of how my entire life and world has and will continue to change and has been turned upside down. I feel as though I'm still trying to come to grips with that aspect of it. Meanwhile, he's lovebombing me, which isn't helping.

StillLivin:

I "told" him by letting him answer the door when the process server arrived. He didn't tell me about his affair, or when he went undercover and was still in contact with Shrek, so I figured there was nothing else to discuss.

This is how things go in my fantasy world. I have a close friend that handles bad friendships/relationships this way and I've always respected that level of resolve. I struggle to make decisions and then stick with them, especially in relationships.

The guilt? I've never had any during break ups and also in my divorce. What could I possibly be to blame for?

That's a great way to look at it. I am already feeling an incredible amount of guilt, which I know is entirely undeserving, but I can't seem to shake it. My young kids being the victims of this situation are the main driver of my guilt, and feeling like I'm ending things even when I know logically it's his fault for having the A in the first place. Blaming me for not being willing to try to save this M is something my WH is all too happy to put on me whenever we talk about S/D. He's so good at saying things in such a "nice" way that many times I don't realize how f***ed up they are until after the conversation is over.

SacredSoul:

I think that if I were in your shoes, I'd contact the attorney and get my ducks in a row, and then tell him that you have decided that D is what you want and that you hope that he will make it as easy (and inexpensive) as possible for both of you.

Thank you for your advice. I think that's probably what I need to do and just have to get the nerve up to do it. I've already spoken to an attorney, so I have an idea of what I could ask/offer and where I stand, luckily.

inmisery:
Sometimes a clean break is the best way to do it. With my young children, that wouldn't be possible. I want them to have him in their lives anyways.

leafields:

That's when the voice inside my head let me know that he would never be a safe partner, I'd done all I could to save the M and I was done.

Listening to your intuition is important and something I'm still trying to do. I believe my intuition/gut has been telling me since very shortly after DDay that I am done, but I haven't been willing to let everything go yet, especially given the resistance from WH.

I gathered the information needed to D, and discussed options with him. I treated it like a business transaction, which it is.

I aspire to handling it this way. I've already considered options and just need to be able to have those discussions without getting emotional.

It took me 18 months after dday1 to get there. Plus, my XWH is a covert narc and I spent a lot of time watching YouTube videos on recovering from narc abuse, which helped me heal and be stronger. My XWH lied a lot, too. The gaslighting was strong with that one.

I was in limbo a long time. I used my time and did a lot of research on my own, so when I decided the time had come to stick a fork in it, I waited for him to come in late one night and simply handed him my vision of a draft agreement. He started to try to have the whole "this isn't what I want" discussion/gaslighting, but I simply said (a couple times) that's not what I want to discuss right now, this document is.

He finally realized I was serious and actually read it. Asked a couple questions, wanted a tweak or two, and said if I made those changes that he'd sign it. At this point, it became a business discussion, none of the emotional stuff.

I wish you the best, because it's not easy. I was shaking like a leaf the entire time and just kept reminding myself that I just had to get through it.