I appreciate all of the responses so far! Although we've all had to go through these horrible experiences which are similar in so many ways, we're all so unique and it really is helpful to hear the different perspectives.
If you know you know. Tell him, give him a moment and leave. The sooner the better! For the both of you.
Good advice. I know I'm overthinking it a bit. I've been talking to a couple of people in my close friend/family circle and their advice is helpful, but more centered on ensuring I ease him into it. Not for his sake, per se, but to hopefully make the whole D less stressful and contentious. I agree with their advice, but delaying the conversation makes me doubt my resolve (not necessarily that I am not resolved but thinking that if I were really resolved I would have discussed it with him already). I hate being in limbo, and not talking to him about it makes me feel like I'm in limbo.
It's been almost 3 months since DDay and I haven't been able to envision a future with WH that would bring me any semblance of happiness. I just can't see how I could ever forgive him or love/respect him anywhere near how I did before. I feel less like I'm struggling with whether I want to stay or go because of my feelings for him and more that I'm struggling with it because of how my entire life and world has and will continue to change and has been turned upside down. I feel as though I'm still trying to come to grips with that aspect of it. Meanwhile, he's lovebombing me, which isn't helping.
I "told" him by letting him answer the door when the process server arrived. He didn't tell me about his affair, or when he went undercover and was still in contact with Shrek, so I figured there was nothing else to discuss.
This is how things go in my fantasy world. I have a close friend that handles bad friendships/relationships this way and I've always respected that level of resolve. I struggle to make decisions and then stick with them, especially in relationships.
The guilt? I've never had any during break ups and also in my divorce. What could I possibly be to blame for?
That's a great way to look at it. I am already feeling an incredible amount of guilt, which I know is entirely undeserving, but I can't seem to shake it. My young kids being the victims of this situation are the main driver of my guilt, and feeling like I'm ending things even when I know logically it's his fault for having the A in the first place. Blaming me for not being willing to try to save this M is something my WH is all too happy to put on me whenever we talk about S/D. He's so good at saying things in such a "nice" way that many times I don't realize how f***ed up they are until after the conversation is over.
I think that if I were in your shoes, I'd contact the attorney and get my ducks in a row, and then tell him that you have decided that D is what you want and that you hope that he will make it as easy (and inexpensive) as possible for both of you.
Thank you for your advice. I think that's probably what I need to do and just have to get the nerve up to do it. I've already spoken to an attorney, so I have an idea of what I could ask/offer and where I stand, luckily.
Sometimes a clean break is the best way to do it. With my young children, that wouldn't be possible. I want them to have him in their lives anyways.
That's when the voice inside my head let me know that he would never be a safe partner, I'd done all I could to save the M and I was done.
Listening to your intuition is important and something I'm still trying to do. I believe my intuition/gut has been telling me since very shortly after DDay that I am done, but I haven't been willing to let everything go yet, especially given the resistance from WH.
I gathered the information needed to D, and discussed options with him. I treated it like a business transaction, which it is.
I aspire to handling it this way. I've already considered options and just need to be able to have those discussions without getting emotional.