SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm just curious of other people's opinions on this topic.

How would one know that they will never be able to forgive their spouse. How would one know that no matter how great their WS is now, the damage is just too much?

Also, How would one know if they are in false reconciliation?

I’ve struggled with this question too at times.

I don’t have an answer, but what I came to when I grappled with that question in the toughest days of trying to reconcile is that I need to see progress over time—progress in our relationship together, progress in our reconciliation, and progress in my healing and in my bond with/feelings toward my husband. It can be slow progress, and there can be times of stalling or even regression, but the arc needs to bend perceptibly toward health and wholeness.

As for false reconciliation, I don’t know—I haven’t experienced that (that I know of).

Hugs to you, wherever you’re at on this difficult journey. It’s grueling. I hope you find answers and peace.

I can only speak from my own experience:

- when the thought of touching him makes my skin crawl

- when we can’t have even the simplest conversation without it turning into an argument

- when the thought of him makes me say to myself "I hate his guts" involuntarily

- when I dread coming home from work because it means he’ll be here

- when I curse myself for being so stupid and ruining my life

- when I would give anything to go back in time and never say a word to him besides "hello" when we met

As far as damage beyond repair, that’s a very personal question that only the BS can answer assuming the WS is actually remorseful and is willing to do the work to R. Some are able to forgive multiple affairs while others can’t forgive inappropriate texts. If you’re still within 6-12 months of dday, don’t even worry about it, because it’s just not possible to even make that decision so soon. I thought I couldn’t, then maybe I could, back to I don’t know what to think during it all. Now at 13+ months past I am just now able to really consider if my marriage is capable of repairing.

False R is tricky. Number one indicator of false R, AP is still in the picture somehow. If your WS is in any contact with AP, then you are in false R because the affair is not over. I mean any contact. Number 2, WS defends AP and won’t discuss the A. That’s not R, that’s rugsweeping and the WS is still pining for AP. You can’t R with that at all. Number 3, BS doesn’t have timeline/details/space to discuss A and WS only gets defensive and shuts down. WS continues to downplay and TT the A and or expects BS to just get over it. Finally IMO, false R is if WS continues the same behaviors that led to the A. Staying out late without telling you where they are, failure to maintain boundaries with others (I.e getting drinks after work with opposite sex coworker one on one and discussing intimate details of relationships).posting provocative pictures on SM and responding to DMs. Those are only examples, but the bottom line of R is the WS not only showing how much they know they messed up and how much they want to repair, they have to take the extra steps to ensure it won’t happen again. If WS isn’t willing to move mountains to fix themselves and prevent another A, then that is false R.

How would one know that they will never be able to forgive their spouse.

It's impossible to know. It's always a decision.

Actual knowledge implies that you ultimately know yourself and not only as you are now but also as you will be in the future. You can't see how you will change in the future, as even our core values can change over time.

I think a good internal indicator is whether you would like and want to be a version of yourself that forgave.

[This message edited by Stich at 11:39 AM, Friday, July 28th]

Spot on DarknessFalls. Great post!

That is a really really good question.

I was in limbo because I couldn’t decide to stay or to end it. Here’s some of the things that help me decide.

- when we got back into the same old arguments. Anything pre-affair caused huge blowouts

- When I saw have the same patterns he had before and how he thought and approach things. I thought it was a good idea for him to come home when Covid started. He didn’t think that was a good enough reason. My thinking again wasn’t good enough. Like he was a prize. Seriously after all he did, he didn’t jump at the chance to try again at living together.

- When you look at them when you go, so what. There’s nothing more than it’s just a person.

- When you feel more at peace when they aren’t there over a period of time that’s reasonably long

- When after all of those conversations, the same shit still makes you mad. It’s still there, full force.

Here’s how you know you made the right decision

-When you have peace because they’re not there

-When you don’t think about them and you’re by yourself

-When you have disagreements and you see the pettiness that you didn’t see before. We still talk because of the kids.

-When the move across the country and wonder why their kids are upset that their father left them

-When you find out that they have a new girlfriend and you have feel sorry for the woman

-When you find out that he didn’t stop lying, even for small things

For me, and I know this is very unique to my situation. When I found out that he had not properly divorced from his first wife, and he needs an annulment. That right there cemented everything. I am one lucky woman

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 3:21 PM, Saturday, July 29th]

I can echo Darkness Falls response verbatim.

Feels like the questions go in this order:
If the infidelity itself isn't a deal-breaker, you're attempting reconciliation

How would one know if they are in false reconciliation?

If IC and MC are not happening for both of you, you're not on a good path - if you don't have a plan for Reconciliation, you'll end up Rug-sweeping, thinking the whole time that reconciliation is smooth and easy.
I think as a BS, you have to acknowledge how damaged the relationship is and be 100% ready to walk away before you're in the right frame of mind for the reconciliation process. If you don't have the confidence and convictions in your own feelings about the infidelity to demand they they be heard and acknowledged, you're not not in the game.
I went through several false R's over the years. In hindsight - I can see that I did a lot of things that proved I was still on the bench and all of them came back to one thing: when I thought we were not doing well in "R", I soothed my WS out of fear of 'failing' and being alone. That empowered them and derailed the whole process. It never got real for me until I let myself see the shouldering wreckage, realized I was OK being alone, and had a path forward that put me first. Then, I could look at the possibility of reconciliation as an opportunity that I was extending to my WS on a day-by-day basis. R isn't a goal... it's a process. I'm in the game, so my WS has no choice but to do her best.

How would one know that they will never be able to forgive their spouse?

If you know you're in a real reconciliation attempt, all you have to do is observe their behavior and ask yourself if they appreciate it. Then you'll know..

The simple fact that you are pondering these questions tells me your gut is unsettled. Something isn’t sitting right with you. Please do not ignore it. The gut knows.

Ditto what DarknessFalls said.

Let peace of mind/heart be your guide.

Tough question. I can only speak from and to my own situation.

Just after I filed for D, my STBXWW admitted that she knew that infidelity was always a deal-breaker for me. She commented on how hard I had worked to save the M as well.

And that was the point. I had been the only one working hard on R. Actually, I had been the one who did the heavy lifting in our relationship for almost 30 years. She was always disinclined to do thechard work, and gravitated to the easy score. And it always ended poorly.

The 5 years we have been apart have born witness to this as her life have fallen apart, with each poor decision followed by another.

For R to have worked in our M, my WW would have had to completely reinvent herself, something tgatvwould havectaken diligence and tenacity, both of which she lacks.

So I think the possibiity of R really depends on the raw material of character available, especially with the WS. If they can dig deep and truly change, then there is hope. I just see this type of change as very rare.

If your husband is hitting on your friends and making excuses for himself, the relationship is damaged beyond repair.

Regarding false reconciliation— it’s not always clear. If the cheater wants to continue to cheat after Dday 1 and the BS is working hard to R and doesn’t see red flags, it may be impossible to know the BS is the only one doing the work.

BTDT - and that was a good enough reason to throw in the towel and admit defeat. That was the point I knew I had to D him.

How he turned this around I don’t know but he did. I look upon it as a miracle (no joke).