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Newest Member: Dander33159

Divorce/Separation :
The Dreaded Return

Topic is Sleeping.

 Hopefulwife2019 (original poster new member #70935) posted at 5:18 AM on Saturday, July 22nd, 2023

The kids and I return "home" tomorrow. STBXWH is moved out of the house. My understanding is the majority of his belongings are currently in the 1 bedroom apartment he will be occupying for the foreseeable future. He knows I will not sleep under the same roof as him ever again. Now that has occurred it’s time to go back and face the music. I would love to stay here and not have to return to "that".

We are telling the kids about separation/divorce tomorrow. Ugh it makes me sick. I am thankful for this peaceful time I’ve had here at the beach with them.

Some days I feel like such an idiot for trusting him not to do this again and again and again. I wanted to keep my family intact. Such a big part of me still loves him and is sad for what lies ahead for him, for me, and our family. He is going to carry this burden on his shoulders for many many years. It’s difficult not to want to comfort him when he’s sad and broken but after going through this multiple times I just cannot. I cannot allow myself to feel sorry for him any longer. I have to stay on this path and get myself out of this mess and unfortunately it won’t be with him.

I have to remind myself of the peace I feel in recent weeks knowing that for me, it will get better each day. The further I distance myself from him the better I feel. I just hope our children will be resilient and get through the rollercoaster they are being flung onto unknowingly. I have a feeling the next few days, weeks, and months will be bumpy. I am glad I took this time to rest and ground myself before facing the coming storm. Love to you all and will provide updates as I am able smile

Me: BW (47), married 25 almost 26 years. 3 beautiful kids. DD1 2014, DD2 2016, DD3 2018, recently learned of another affair 6/2023 and decided to divorce.

posts: 32   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Southeastern US
id 8800500

emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 5:48 AM on Saturday, July 22nd, 2023

Strength to you and your kids. 🩷

Me: BS. Him: WS. Together 16 years.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
6+ years (and two kids) into R. Happy.

posts: 1709   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8800503

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:33 AM on Saturday, July 22nd, 2023

Won’t be fun but is a necessary step. Best of luck to you all.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5701   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8800505

Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 6:50 PM on Saturday, July 22nd, 2023

Wishing you peace and comfort during this difficult time.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1473   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8800557

JammyWheel ( member #80828) posted at 8:55 PM on Saturday, July 22nd, 2023

I don’t know what to say but wanted to say I hear ya & hope things start to improve soon

posts: 68   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2022
id 8800565

SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 9:12 PM on Saturday, July 22nd, 2023

Do you plan on telling the kids before arriving home? My daughter still talks about how hard it was to walk in and see all his things missing before we told them what was going on.

Let the world feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it.

posts: 777   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8800568

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:47 PM on Saturday, July 22nd, 2023

It always concerns me,when a BS says "we" are telling the kids.

WS always want to lie. Big surprise, right? They want to give the kids some generic excuse, like the two of you just grew apart, or some such bullshit.

As a BS, you understand how important it is to know the truth about what has happened to your life. It's equally important that the kids also know the truth about what has happened to their life.

Be honest with them. Age appropriate honesty. They don't need the dirty details. But the deserve the truth. Don't allow your lying wh to turn you into a parent who lies to their kids. They need to know,now more than ever,that they have at least one parent who will be honest with them.

He is going to carry this burden on his shoulders for many many years. It’s difficult not to want to comfort him when he’s sad and broken

He wasn't sad when he was having multiple affairs. He is only sad that he's been caught..again..and this time he has severe consequences. He wasn't sorry when you didn't know.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6139   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8800571

FindingaWayHome ( member #78829) posted at 7:55 AM on Sunday, July 23rd, 2023

How did the chat with the kids go Hopefulwife2019?

Are you OK?

posts: 94   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8800601

kiwilee ( member #10426) posted at 5:12 PM on Sunday, July 23rd, 2023

Welcome to this side of the infidelity club. This is your ticket out of the mess you are in. It is a long painful road, but freedom and peace (I am told, not quite there yet) await you!

How did the telling of the kids go? This was the hardest part so far for me so once you get beyond that it is a relief. Also, the fact that he moved out is also beneficial. Mine refused to so we are still in the same house until things are final :(

Thinking of you- stay the course. You have a your wits about you and went into quick action once you found out which is wonderful.

Please update when you can.

posts: 650   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8800631

Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 9:55 PM on Wednesday, July 26th, 2023

Checking in HW... you are an inspiration to us who have been and/or likely will be in the same position at any moment. I hope I have your fortitude when the other shoe drops!!

I hope the conversation with the kids was not as... traumatic as it could have been...? Don't know how to phrase it! No matter what it had to have been heartbreaking.... Peace and strength to them and to you.

Many DDays. Me (BW) 48 Him (WH) 51
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 333   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8801027

 Hopefulwife2019 (original poster new member #70935) posted at 1:13 PM on Thursday, July 27th, 2023

smile smile smile Good morning fellow SI friends! I thought I would drop in and provide an update.

Thank you all again for your words of encouragement and wisdom it truly means more than you know to know that I have a virtual family in my corner smile

After arriving back home last week we had the kids sit with us and told them we were separating and moving towards divorce. I am glad that we were able to tell them what life will look like in the coming days, weeks, and months. Explained although mom/dad aren’t able to repair what has been broken that it does not change our love for them. xWH surprised me and owned up to the children about his past and most recent infidelities. I believe they were stunned with all of the information thrown their way. Shortly after all of their questions were answered xWH left for his apartment.

I believe the kids are ok, I may be naive in my thinking BUT I believe if xWH and I can be calm and rational and have a "plan" to co-parent it will go a long way in helping them adjust to our "new normal". I did make an appointment for me and the kids to go to therapy and want them to have that in place so they have a safe place to process all that has and is happening. After the family session they can have one on one sessions for a while. They have stayed over at STBXH place a few times since. It seemed to go well and I took advantage of the time and met some girlfriends for dinner and got some self care in smile

I feel so my I don’t know, lighter. I’ve slept well. I feel as if the worst is over for me and am almost excited for what may come next. I don’t believe I realized the "heaviness" of what I had been carrying all of these years smile wondering if xWH was being sincere, cheating again, manipulating me etc. of course there is also sadness I’ve invested over 20 years and had children with this man. He is whom I thought I would grow old with and play with our grandchildren. I am at peace knowing even if alone my future will still have love and happiness and no more resentment, anger, sadness or detective work. I won’t ever allow myself to stay in a relationship like that again.

Over the next year we will be hammering out a divorce agreement and in 1 year I will be single for the first time in over 20 years. It is scary and exciting all at the same time. I am unsure how xWH feels about any of it. I believe I have become indifferent due to everything he’s put me through over the years. I haven’t bothered to ask him because it doesn’t matter to me and frankly it isn’t my business any longer. Of course I want him to be ok but in a he’s a fellow human kind of way not in a I love this man kind of way. This last indiscretion was the straw that finally broke the camels back. In some ways I am thankful because it has literally and figuratively set me free.

I hope everyone has a good day, hugs to all that are struggling today. I hold all of you close to my heart. Truly no one can understand this struggle unless they’ve worn our shoes.

I’ll update and things progress. I hope I can encourage those that feel life won’t be better without a spouse that cheats. I know today is an "up/positive" day and I’m certain I will have low/negative days as well. I am learning I can only control my emotions and actions and I am doing my best to stay positive and using this as an opportunity to better myself and live my life in a way that suits me best! smile

Me: BW (47), married 25 almost 26 years. 3 beautiful kids. DD1 2014, DD2 2016, DD3 2018, recently learned of another affair 6/2023 and decided to divorce.

posts: 32   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Southeastern US
id 8801061

Sick2Death ( member #24681) posted at 8:53 PM on Friday, July 28th, 2023


Proud of you! I will admit I am also a little envious that you have made so much positive progress. Ultimately you show a path forward.

Please keep us posted. You are a shining light for me and I assume so many others.


BS Me 52 WH 54 Married 28 years

posts: 51   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2009
id 8801421

ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 3:15 AM on Friday, August 4th, 2023

I believe the kids are ok, I may be naive in my thinking BUT I believe if xWH and I can be calm and rational and have a "plan" to co-parent it will go a long way in helping them adjust to our "new normal".

It's not naive - it was actually the reality of my own upbringing. In reading your post and thinking back to the day when my parents told us - I recall my Dad walking down the driveway with me (it was 1/2 mile long so not a short walk) and him telling me that he would always be there (he was) and that we would be okay (we were). I was 8, my sister was 3 and didn't get the same talk I'm sure. A unified and calm front, especially when as a kid before that I was distinctly aware of the lack of happiness in our household, was a bit of a relief really. I remember feeling sad that my Dad was moving out, but I don't really recall much else about that - it happened, and we saw him all the time anyway as he lived close by. And the two birthdays and X-mas benefit of divorced parents is REAL grin

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2244   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8802115

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:58 AM on Friday, August 4th, 2023

Hopeful, wishing you all the peace and contentment that you can hold.

My kids are adults and XWH moved to another state. My relationships with them has grown and is so much better. Plus, I'm near the grandkids and am enjoying spending time with them. Frankly, my kids are glad they don't have to deal with their dad much (he's a diagnosed covert narc and an emotional vampire) and life is much better after D.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 2884   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8802123

kiwilee ( member #10426) posted at 11:57 AM on Thursday, August 10th, 2023

Hey hopeful- checking in. How you and the kids doing?

posts: 650   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8803880

ANewPerson ( member #83728) posted at 12:41 PM on Sunday, August 13th, 2023

I also struggle with feeling sorry for my stbx. As bad as the divorce will be for me personally and financially, it's much worse for her. Yet, they choose to cheat. They choose not to reconcile. They choose not to hold themselves accountable. For me, I made excuses with and for her. I need to stop and look out for myself. It's hard after looking out for someone else's interests above your own to suddenly flip that script.

BH 54 Divorcing

posts: 52   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Heartland USA.
id 8804279

FaithFool ( member #20150) posted at 5:53 PM on Sunday, August 13th, 2023

I don't have kids but it was 20 out of 22 years living a total lie and getting out was the hardest work I've ever done. Fifteen years on now, just turned 70 and very happy with my solo life. You're on your way to something great. smile

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

posts: 21562   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2008   ·   location: Canada
id 8804302
Topic is Sleeping.
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