SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, OW in my case is a triathlete, as am I. It’s a very small community. Very the longest time, after DDay she was, in my mind, really aggressive. DIdn’t have the sense to just give me space. We run into each other at events and sometimes during workouts. I do my best to politely ignore, but she still shows up and tries to talk to me. So many photos of her and her new BF standing inches away from me while I have my back to her. Like she either wants to talk to me or they have a weird fascination in hearing an update of our story.
I imagine that she’s made me out to be the villain in her story. No telling what FWH told her about me or not…to get into her pants. I digress.

A mutual friend/athlete, who knows, set up a group chat to organize some workouts. Of course, we’re both on the chat with 100 other people. It’s be 4.5 years since DDay and it still stings to see OW’s name/face/car….whatever. Doesn’t sting as bad, but still sucks. When I discovered OW there, I left the chat. And, then promptly had quite a few other athletes, who don’t know, ask me why I left. Mutual friend knows the story, but didn’t realize we were both there until I left when she messaged to apologize. Leaving messaged everyone, including OW that I had left. I immediately had myself added back. If I make OW half as uncomfortable by my presence, it’s a win. I know this is stupid and petty in the grand scheme of things. I also know from how she and her BF follow me around at events that this will likely lead to communication that I don’t want. Though, I also don’t want OW to have the satisfaction of pushing me away from things I want to do. But, I also don’t want to see her face.

I keep telling myself that she’s nothing special. She was just available and willing. Human, flawed. It’s ok if not everyone thinks she’s the antichrist…as I would naturally do. She is deserving of friends and compassion and maybe has grown or changed (but I doubt it).

I keep trying to plan what I might say if a confrontation does come, as I still have a hard time making words when these things happen. I don’t want to cause a scene, as that will likely fuel some narrative.

Anyone here deal with an OW who was a sister or friend. I don’t want to change my life or quit the sport that keeps me from keying her car. This was a double betrayal in my situation. I won’t be having any relationship with this person. She isn’t worthy of the time it took to write this post. Just looking for suggestions if you often run into Others.

Wow, she's a piece of work.

I think I'd probably say something to her the next time she tried to chat me up. I'd probably come up with something like, "I'm not interested in having any sort of relationship with you, and I don't want to cause a scene or make things uncomfortable for either of us. Don't talk to me and I won't talk to you." And then I'd do my best to ignore her like she's no more consequential that the grass growing through the cracks of the sidewalk. If she tried to talk to me again, I'd pretend like I didn't hear her or had more important things on my mind, and walk away.

Totally a piece of work. A psych friend thinks she’s a rare classic female narcissist who, true to form, has decided I’m the villain. No matter. It just be grand if she would have a teensy bit of empathy around the situation she caused.

I usually do try to look through her. However, she and her BF follow me around events. Literally, choosing to stay about a foot from me. I’m really curious what people do when that have to see the others that often. I realize I don’t HAVE to, but I don’t want to give anyone the satisfaction of running me off. And, by golly, if I make them feel a tad bit uncomfortable with my presence, so much the better.

Don’t let her take you away from your beloved sport. She is nothing, she was willing to accept second place when you were first. A WS hides the A because they know you won’t accept second place, she willingly chose to be the number one loser.

Hold you head high and if she pushes a conversation tell her you don’t associate with losers.

Extra points for responses that help me laugh through this

She says something to you respond

You: "homewreckersayshuh".

Her: "huh?"

You: "Exactly" 🤣

Tanner…..that’s what I need. Thank you!

That is crazy that she semi stalks you at events.

She appears to be unbalanced.

I’d say nothing.

Many years ago, we were at the state fair with some friends. We were in a long line and the people behind us had NO concept of personal space. They were literally breathing down our necks. So my friend turned around and, without covering his mouth, ginned up a fake coughing fit. That backed 'em up. It'd probably work even better now in this post-Covid world!

Or crop-dust them.

Ow is in healthcare.

Can you put some hideous looking fake rash on your arm? That might scare her off.

My child had a summer job one year and was painting an outdoor fence. Then got poison ivy. Took him to urgent care and the nurse thought he had Ebola b/c the rash had white paint all over it. It looked terrible.

She immediately backed up looking horrified and left the office ASAP.

We laughed so hard 😂😂.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:24 AM, Wednesday, July 5th]

Don’t let ‘em stalk ya man 👨

Next time she is hovering play dumb and mumble to one of your friends "remember a few years ago when I tested positive for gonorrhea, I was so lucky my doctor caught it".

Edited “discovered it”… it can be asymptomatic that was the point 🙄

[This message edited by Sick2Death at 3:47 AM, Tuesday, July 18th]

 I was so lucky my doctor caught it".

You might want to word that differently.

You don't make her uncomfortable with your presence. She literally follows you around,so she can be near you.

She is trying to upset you. She is trying to provoke you.

Instead of ignoring her..the next time she follows you, turn around,look her in the eye,and laugh at her. She's a joke. Then,after that,if she continues to follow you, turn around,look her in the eye,with a look on your face as if you are seeing a huge pile of dog shit.

Does the new boyfriend know of the affair?

Sorry in advance - zero points for laughing here. Unfortunately there is no magic one liner I can think of to deal with this.

Anyone here deal with an OW who was a sister or friend? I don’t want to change my life or quit the sport that keeps me from keying her car. This was a double betrayal in my situation.

Kind of. My WH was the double betrayer. He was friends with the OBS prior to either of them knowing the AP. He and OBS started working together in around 2007 and were already friends when WH and I met later that same year. WH and I hung out with future OBS all the time. AP, unknown to anyone there previously, joined their work group in 2011. She and OBS started dating a few years later and were married about a year after. My WH was IN OBS and APs wedding, went to OBS's bachelor party, and continued to work with OBS and AP when the A started about 3 years after their marriage, throughout the A and aftermath, through AP-OBS's divorce 2 years later, and to this day. OBS works with my WH now roughly 25 hours per week in a very tight knit, cannot avoid each other, must collaborate on a day to day basis - the AP now divorced from OBS has changed to a different shift and doesn't work with either of them for more that about 30 minutes per week when one shift overlaps.

So you would be akin to the OBS in my scenario, except that due to his employment OBS is forced to see and interact with my WH on a very regular basis instead of choosing to do so (the job is highly specialized and my understanding is he did not want to give it up/move - he's one strong dude). When the whole thing blew up (my doing) at first OBS tried ignoring my WH as much as possible. Very professional at work, refused to speak to him about the A, but their social existence was of course terminated. My WH, incredulously, chose, for a time, to believe that they would "make up". Maybe this is the head space where the AP in your life lives too?

I recall telling my WH that was a pure fucking fantasy, and the quicker he stopped wanting to live in fantasy land about life, the more grounded he would feel. He really didn't get it for a long long time, that OBS wanted nothing to do with him, despite the fact that he had been fucking OBS's wife, sometimes while OBS was in the same building, for years (he even went to dinner with them as a couple when the A was ongoing). He grasps this now and understands that he should be grateful OBS didn't blow the whole thing up to management or stab him in the parking lot or whatever...but for a LONG time my WH really thought he and OBS's friendship was reconcilable. I mention this as it may be impossible for you to understand or imagine that someone could think that, as it IS a potential mindset. I think my WH was hoping for his/OBS's reconciliation to convince himself: 1) it wasn't that bad after all, and 2) I was overreacting.

In my case their work group used to be very close - socialized outside of work all the time - and after the A was exposed no one at work knew (I suspect 1 person did but they said nothing to anyone else) so my WH and OBS (and OBS-AP while they were still married) were frequently (like monthly) invited to the same events. OBS apparently decided to semi let the cat out of the bag by telling select people who invited WH to things that he did not want to attend events that WH was going to be at and to let him know if WH planned to attend brushing off direct questions about why. Eventually he just answered - and as expected, my WH stopped getting invited to things if OBS was invited. He was even told "Sorry, OBS is coming so, you know....I can't invite you. Sorry." As a result of the A - and well deserved even though MY social life suffered as a result - my WH doesn't get invited to much of anything anymore.

In your situation, who in these groups knows about the A? And does your WH attend any of these things (not that it matters IMO - as I told my WH, the consequences of his actions are likely going to be long and uncomfortable - remember this discomfort if you feel your morals being compromised about anything in the future)?

My advice, as painful (initially) as it may be is to tell the people who organize these things that you do not want to attend anything that AP is going to, to the extent possible, and to let you know if AP is going to be invited to join. In other words, let the cat out of the bag - I know in your case this will not handle the majority of the meetings - but let your friends do some of the heavy lifting for you (eg they can contact the AP and say "sorry, but because BS is invited, I don't feel comfortable having you AP, on the same call/at the same event) - I bet you will see that some of them will do the heavy lifting for you. The embarrassment of being uninvited because of the A MAY do the trick. I Know after the first time when my WH was uninvited to something due to the OBS's attendance he was pretty incensed and blindsided (again - WTF, right?) - but after that happened a few times he backed off and didn't want to attend anymore/was embarrassed of his behavior and grasped that OBS should never have to again pay for WH-AP's behavior. That it was the least he could do (and no, my WH was not very clued-in to how people felt back then but even he got it pretty quickly).

As far as telling the AP to leave you alone - this is a touchier matter, as AP stalked and harassed me for a bit but she had no genuine reason to be in contact with me. I think taking the initiative and telling AP that you have no interest in being around and to keep her distance is fine but honestly she didn't respect you before so I'm doubtful that will change.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 8:29 PM, Monday, July 17th]

Pick your nose.

Had a school teacher give this as a "survival tip" way back in the day. If you think somebody is following you, stop & pick your nose. The other person will probably leave & leave you alone.

You will need an accomplice.

Most big box stores carry itch powder (which is nothing more than ground rose hips).

At some point in the event her bike will be unattended. Your accomplice will then lightly dust the seat of the bike and the handlebars with the itch powder. Halfway through the race she will be half crazy. The effect will last about an hour.

You, of course, will have a blank look on your face if you see here thereafter.

Go to your car and die laughing.

I don't have any magic one-liners that would be socially acceptable.

This is a case where taking the high road will win. It will be a hard ass climb but the view will be spectacular.

Now - if you can make sure you swim/ride/run just in front of her, you can make sure you consume the flavor of protein bar that sits worst on your stomach and crop dust her for the entire fucking race while you smile a little extra.

This is meant to be funny not serious

But have you every seen those reels with someone with the big signs that they take one off after the other

I would be so tempted to make a sign that says homewrecking w
Slept with my h
May be fast
But keeps running into me

You get the the story board…

Thank you guys. This is brilliant! ThisIsSoLonely….your post resonated with me. It was a double betrayal for us too. OBS outed it to me and pointed me here. The thing about the few times that I have confronted OW…..she’s quick to place all the blame on FWH. (Which at almost 5 yrs post DD is like possibly hearing new info). She "seems" to think she had no real responsibility it in. She was my friend. We all raced together. OBS, FWH, and I have all upheld this "politely ignore" plan. It’s OW who doesn’t. I just don’t get it.

I’m now on two group chats with her organizing workouts for my crazy big upcoming race. She’s not racing anymore, mind you. Half of the people know. The other half don’t. Within the last week, she started responding directly to me in the chat. To which I replied that I didn’t trust her interpretation of a specific plan. Most of the people who were there thought I was making a joke. I can keep it together during this stuff just barely….but then lose it when I get home which is not at all helpful to R.

I half think that I should just sit down with her…..but I know I won’t at all get a helpful response. It feels hellish. Triathlon itself is physically demanding, but nothing like the emotional/mental heavy lifting I’m doing in and around the A.

I love the sign option.