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Newest Member: Dander33159

Divorce/Separation :
Best sleep advice

Topic is Sleeping.

 kiwilee (original poster member #10426) posted at 3:13 AM on Wednesday, June 14th, 2023

I have not slept well for over a year now. And I have slept terrible the past 3 nights. I take melatonin, but not much help.

What do you use for sleep aid or tips? Sleep makes a huge difference right now in the middle of extreme stress.

I don’t really want to do ambien because I’ve heard horrible things about it.

Please help

posts: 650   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8795160

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:02 AM on Wednesday, June 14th, 2023

When I was younger, I could function on 4 hours and 40 minutes sleep for days on end. Anything less was not sustainable. Can thou imagine?

For break through issues, I use generic Benadryl. For longer issues, I use Luna Grace Insomnia self-hypnosis, sometimes on a loop through YouTube. I've also use apps that have different noise modules, whether it's a color or nature sound. It's been helpful and trial and error to fund what works.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 2884   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8795168

SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 4:31 AM on Wednesday, June 14th, 2023

I've struggled with insomnia for decades. I've done Benadryl, Ambien, magnesium, meditation, sleep apps, Xanax (which works great, but which I don't want to take on a regular basis) and other things that I can't remember.

If it's legal where you are and you're comfortable with it, I recommend marijuana. If it's not legal where you are and Delta 8 or Delta 9 is legal, it acts just like weed. I smoke a little or take a gummy at bedtime and I now sleep like a rock. If I don't, I toss and turn. (Do not take Delta 8/9 if you must test clean for THC.)

Let the world feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it.

posts: 777   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8795173

Helena67 ( member #80506) posted at 7:22 AM on Wednesday, June 14th, 2023

Sleeping has been a real challange for me too. Now I'm on mirtazapine which my doctor prescribed. This medicine can be used for a longer period of time. Now I sleep a little bit better.

BS (me) 56 years. Divorcing. Almost there!

posts: 123   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8795181

 kiwilee (original poster member #10426) posted at 9:45 AM on Wednesday, June 14th, 2023

Yes, marijuana is legal here. I didn’t think of that!! Not being a user before, how do I know what to get? I’ve never been to a dispensary before. I heard the marijuana of today is much more potent.

Oh my the places this path takes us just never ends. shocked

posts: 650   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8795183

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 10:41 AM on Wednesday, June 14th, 2023

I use meditation.
There is this classic method of counting sheep. Doing something monotonous and boring. I do MY version of it.
I’m an avid fly-fisher. The most relaxing situation I experience is standing in a calm lake, birds chirping, buzzing of flies, an occasional fish jumping and the splash in the water… and I’m casting – back-wait-forward-wait-false-cast-back… before letting the line zip out. Then wait for it to sink, and then slowly and steadily pull in. Each cast might take 3-5 minutes and like in real life then probably 99 out of 100 casts don’t catch any fish.
I visualize myself in that situation. I place myself in that serenity, and then I start casting. If my mind starts roaming to other issues I focus back. I have reached a place where I can be asleep within 3-5 minutes doing this.

Other than the obvious and best idea: That you get into fly-fishing… then you can replace my ideal serene situation with what is your serene situation. It can be walking your favorite path, golf, painting… or even counting sheep.

I also realized that with age caffeine and other stimulants disturb my sleep more than before. I could drink coffee into the evening, now I have my last cup before 4PM. I don’t drink alcohol in the evenings and if I do go to parties or dinner I have accepted that if I decide to drink more than 2-3 glasses it’s going to cost me sleep, albeit mainly in that I will wake up real early.

I also have a firm routine regarding my bed. It’s really seldom that I stay in bed other than to sleep. When I wake up I might give myself five minutes, but then get out of bed and make the bed. Open the curtains and have an open window while I shower and dress. After that it’s rare I lay in the bed until the evening. If I need to nap I use a couch. If I want to read I use my office/study. Bed = Sleep.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11912   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8795184

EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 2:15 PM on Wednesday, June 14th, 2023

I have had good results with YouTube. I had to explore around for what works for me but in my library I have an assortment of stuff from sleep hypnosis to sleep music.

I recently found listening to church services knocks me out. They all start with a long music session then into the church news then onto the minister. I never-ever make it to the minister. I have done this tons of times and can not tell you what any of the messages have been because I am out.

It was trial & error to find ones where the music was soothing and who had a minister who came in with a quiet, soothing voice versus a loud-booming one (woke me straight up that time laugh )

Although, I think the downsize is if I ever return to church, I will be out as soon as it starts.

As for meds, I take Melatonin on occasion and if it is really bad, I have a prescription for anxiety meds.

posts: 6841   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8795193

SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 3:23 PM on Wednesday, June 14th, 2023

Yes, marijuana is legal here. I didn’t think of that!! Not being a user before, how do I know what to get? I’ve never been to a dispensary before. I heard the marijuana of today is much more potent.

The "budtenders" at the dispensaries are typically very knowledgeable and passionate about their product. You can tell them that you want something for sleep and they'll know just what - and how much - to recommend. Flower (regular ol' marijuana) is the least expensive way to go and will give you instant results. I think vapes are the easiest, and are inexpensive and also act very quickly. Edibles can be a little pricey, but are great if you don't want to inhale anything. The problem with edibles is that you have to remember to take them a couple of hours before you want to be asleep. There's nothing like settling into my cozy bed after smoking a little. It's the most relaxing feeling.

I'm really jealous of those who get results with meditation or sleep apps. I think my mind monkeys must be way too high-strung; they scoff at breathing exercises. laugh You might try stacking habits by using marijuana and a sleep app at the same time, and then slowly taper off the weed to see if you can get by with the sleep app/meditation alone.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 3:23 PM, Wednesday, June 14th]

Let the world feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it.

posts: 777   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8795197

Reddirtman ( new member #77340) posted at 11:37 PM on Wednesday, June 14th, 2023

I’m an an old hippy, with back and lung issues due to being a volunteer smoke eater for almost 20 years. I don’t smoke, but do use THC infused gummies to help me sleep at night. I use indica strains which are better for relaxation to help sleep. Even with that, I still only get 4 to 5 hours of sleep before the pain pulls me out of bed. Doctors have prescribed me muscle relaxers in the past, and while they do work, I don’t like the residual effect in the mornings. I tend to take about 15 milligrams that have an over the counter sleep aid infused in them, around 9 p.m., and that helps a lot. I also use an old phone as an mp3 player, and have a 5+ hour loop of relaxation sounds that I go to sleep listening to. These range from ocean waves on a shore, to rainstorms in forrest settings, and bubbling brooks. All very soothing, and the helps block the noise of my wife’s snoring.😀

That being said, I’m in my late sixties, so at this point in my life there’s a lot of aches and pains, due to living on and running my ranch.

[This message edited by Reddirtman at 2:17 AM, Friday, June 16th]

posts: 22   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2021   ·   location: OK
id 8795274

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:36 AM on Thursday, June 15th, 2023

I use a meditation app called Calm and LOVE the sleep stories. Think bedtime stories and music for adults. They give my brain something to listen to and I rarely stay awake through the whole thing. they are professionally done and are great. I also use YouTube videos… some of those ASMR videos will lull you to sleep too. You will find what voices/types work for you - there are a lot of them out there.

And agree that the folks at the dispensary are very knowledge and happy to help.

Good luck— it’s hard without decent sleep.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5701   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8795298

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:07 AM on Thursday, June 15th, 2023

Similar to BB, I have access to the Headspace through my employer. It has been a game changer.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 2884   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8795318

tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 1:00 PM on Thursday, June 15th, 2023

I'm a lifelong bad sleeper. Trouble falling asleep dont get good deep sleep, wake up at every noise. This was exponentially worse in the days leading up to and post DD. I asked for something to help and had taken Elavil, in the past for migraines and it had improved my quality of sleep. However there are lots of meds that can help with the fight/flight autonomic dysfunction that happens post trauma. Elavil is one of the top meds for this there are also meds that help with sleep and calm the gut so you can eat with little hangover like mirtazapine, last but not least a very low dose benzo like Ativan (much less addictive than xanax) can be just what you need. Since dd almost 15 yrs ago now I have a rx for it. It has been a life saver to help me get quality sleep. No hangover, and gently allows my mind to quiet with some guided meditation. I like bigger find fishing or scuba to be the most relaxing things I do so often will envision a dive or fishing to help quiet this ADHD brain of mine.

Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19967   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8795330

Lsja ( member #74526) posted at 1:37 PM on Thursday, June 15th, 2023

I used to be the kind of person who could sleep sitting upright. After betrayal, my desire to sleep was gone. My mind was hypervigilent and overactive, and I looked/felt terrible.

I take 10mg time release melatonin, (the time release is an important factor) ashwagandha, and 10 mg buspirone. (The buspirone is an anti anxiety prescription that I take am and pm)

My sleep tracker used to say I was lucky to get 45 minutes of deep sleep on a good night. Now I get an hour and 45 minutes most nights! This little trio is working well for me.

I prioritized sleep, stuck to a regular schedule, and now bed time is my favorite time of the day. It took me a while to get where I am today so I completely understand the frustration.

posts: 90   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2020
id 8795336

barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 4:17 PM on Thursday, June 15th, 2023

Not being a user before, how do I know what to get? I’ve never been to a dispensary before. I heard the marijuana of today is much more potent.

I use cannabis almost every evening (exceptions are when traveling) to help me sleep. More than half of cannabis users say that they use it to help them sleep. It's quite lovely and it's not especially habit forming, especially compared to drugs like ambien.

As SacredSoulSister said, the budtenders should be able to guide you. You almost certainly want an indica-dominant strain, which will give you a more relaxing, full-body high. The other extreme is a sativa-dominant strain, which will give you a creative, uplifting high (and maybe make your mind race... which will keep you awake).

But, if you go to a dispensary and say "I want something to help me sleep" that should be enough. I've literally done that. I went to a dispensary, asked what they recommended and the answer was "I like this strain because it does this, this and that without putting you to sleep." My response was "which one does put you to sleep? I want that one."

As far as the potency, that would just mean that you would need to use less than before. If your goal is to relax and to fall asleep, you really won't need much. My wife somewhat regularly takes 5 mg of an edible and she gets a little high but mostly it just helps her fall asleep.

Personally, I *hate* smoking it (it's just gross to me) and edibles are difficult to work correctly (it's pretty common to eat too little or too much... and it takes the 30-90 minutes to have an effect).

I actually bought a dry vaporizer a few years ago and I love it. It heats the flower without setting it on fire, which releases the THC and other cannabinoids... which you can inhale (and there's no smoke!). It's literally like breathing hot-flower, which my wife hates (which is why she uses edibles). Most dispensaries sell them but you can usually get them cheaper online.

One common downside of cannabis for sleeping is that most people report that they stop dreaming, which means that you are not getting restful, REM sleep. I don't have that issue at all (if anything, I now remember my dreams better than before). I wonder if I still dream because I am using a dry vaporizer rather than smoking... there is a slight difference as far as the effects of smoking vs. dry vaporizing (setting the plant on fire changes the chemistry a bit).

Me: Crap, I'm almost 50 years old. D-Day: August 30, 2016. Two years of false reconciliation. Divorce final: Feb 1, 2021. Re-married: December 3, 2022.

posts: 5390   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8795358

woodsracer ( member #83407) posted at 12:25 PM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

Exercise, cut caffeine off at noon,, no alcohol, no heavy meals 3.5 hours before bed, half a shot of apple cider vinegar right before getting in bed, read or listen to binaural beats until asleep. If you have a racing mind start journaling or keep a pad and pen beside the bed so you can write things down that are keeping u awake

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2023
id 8798860

Ozzy1788 ( member #83108) posted at 4:52 PM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

Further to the counting sheep example, something I have found works is trying to remember something in great detail which you have no chance of remembering... for example think of a holiday from years ago and try and remember each detail of every day. If it was a week long holiday I usually struggle to get past about the second day before I am asleep.

Doesn't always work but usually does!

posts: 132   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8798880

countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 8:40 PM on Tuesday, July 11th, 2023

I rode my bicycle a lot. I walked a lot. I went to gym a lot. Those worked. Melatonin sort of worked. Focusing on work during work and then forgetting it at night helped quite a bit.

Alcohol and MJ did not. Either up to pee too often or paranoid and stoned. Prescription sleep aids definitely were a no go for me. Freaked me out too much.

The best thing for me was time out of infidelity and moving into a new phase of life.

3 adult sonsMarried 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 515   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8799052

ANewPerson ( member #83728) posted at 4:44 PM on Sunday, August 13th, 2023

Similar advice I'd like to second, if legal, cannabis worked very well for me and doesn't have the side effect of Benadryl or over the counter sleep aids. I hated mornings after Benadryl or sleep aids. Downside for me was I slowly succumbed to numbing myself sooner and sooner in the evening until I found myself staying stoned from after work until sleep. The success I had with cannabis likely contributed to my stay on hopium as well. A week before filing I began abstaining from cannabis. I do plan on returning as I've struggled getting to sleep my whole life and, when I practiced restraint, cannabis was useful. Cannabis was a huge help, but I found it easy to abuse while traumatized.

BH 54 Divorcing

posts: 52   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Heartland USA.
id 8804297
Topic is Sleeping.
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