SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Found out my wife had an affair fling for a few months when my kids were little. But what really hurts is instead of telling me, she went to my mother instead and she got her into therapy and both of them had the same idea of better yourself but don't tell him. So here I am, basically a 15 year affair, I guess she knew id divorce her, which makes sense I guess, you fell bad you did it and what you don't know can't hurt you. She also only came to my mother when the other guy broke it off so I was just plan b anyways. I could get into the type of person my mother is but I don't think it'd be exactly kind in light of this new information and what I tolerated from her previously. So that's where I'm at, I've read some of the healing library but it just makes me depressed, not because it's wrong of course, but just the circumstances I'm in

[This message edited by 40kSpaceMarine at 6:19 PM, Monday, May 29th]

May I ask,

How did you discover this? Does your spouse know that you know?

[This message edited by swoned at 6:22 PM, Monday, May 29th]

Just to clarify also-
This happened 15 years ago for a few months?
She told your mom when the guy dumped her and your mom knew for 15 years?
Your kids are now teenagers?
You’ve been married more than 20 years or so, I’m guessing?

I’m a skeptic that this is the first and only one….. there are always inappropriate forays into affair like behavior. What else do you know that she’s done?

This sucks. I’m sorry…..

What do you want to do?

Ps I hope you found out at your mother’s funeral. She sounds like a peach.

Welcome to SI. Sorry you find yourself here, but you will receive good support. Read in the healing library and the pinned threads for newbies. Even though the A was over 15 years ago, it is totally new to you. Take care of yourself. Eat healthy and exercise. Stay away from alcohol and drugs. How did you find out about the A. Did your WW confess? Cheaters will tend to minimize and trickle truth the actual facts of the infidelity. Accept no blame. The decision to cheat was hers, and hers alone. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused your WW to betray her wedding vows. See an attorney to learn your rights. Take your time to decide what you want moving forward. Both D and R are options for you. Figure out what you want moving forward as you process your emotions that will change daily if not hourly. Get IC if it helps. In the ICan Relate Forum there is a section devoted to those who found out years later. Keep posting. You will receive support. Good luck.

I don't think staying together is an option especially because I was plan b

She knows that I know, my son found out when he was messing with our old PC we stored in the garage, she erased everything but not in some places I guess. He just wanted a video game disk I had in there too so it makes it worse.

@3yearsout

You're more or less right on

@swoned

Yeah she knows I know

So sorry you had to find us. Your WW and mom took away your agency and ability to make life decisions with the truth. Unfortunately, what you don't know CAN hurt you. If you can find a betrayal trauma specialist for IC, I highly recommend you go.

Has she done the work to be a safe partner or is this a deal-breaker for you?

You can check your Family court website, which should have an overview of how the divorce laws work in your state. Also, check out several lawyers and see what divorce will look like for you. Your WW won't be able to use any of the lawyers you meet with because it's a conflict of interest.

If you need meds, see your doctor.

I'm talking with my pastor he has a grounded biblical understanding of situations like this so he's helping me out

I'm confused...

A few months affair? Or a 15 year affair?

First, you will find the "found out years later" thread in the "I Can Relate" forum to be really, really helpful. There are some issues that those of us in that situation have in common that are slightly different from the other categories here in the larger "best club that no one wants to be in."

Second, I am a big 40K fan too, so that is fun to see your username.

I hope you stick around, there will be really good advice coming from the wise old heavy hitters very soon. Usually holiday posts here start out a little slow.

The formula developed using the centuries of cumulative collective experience here might go something like this:

1) Demand your wife get tested for STDs, which can lie dormant.
2) Make sure she knows that even if there are no STDS, you know that the "micro-biome" of the other man was introduced into your family against your will. (this refers to the microscopic flora and fauna that each person has. weird, but look it up!)
3) Demand a written timeline from your wife, and your mother for that matter. For one thing it makes the Wayward really face what they did. For another thing, you can use it to refer to later to see if the story changes.
4) DNA test your kids. This will also bring home the gravity of the situation to your wife.
5) expose to the other betrayed spouse, of any. This gives a degree of your agency back. Takes back some power, and is the right thing to do.

In the I Can Relate forum there is a thread for people who "Found Out Years Later". Maybe you would find it helpful to read some of those stories. I found out 7 years later but there are others who have posted on that thread who found out as late as you, or even later. It presents its own unique set of challenges. I hope you will post more of your story. Please know others are thinking of you and sending as much good karma your way as possible.

I'm talking with my pastor he has a grounded biblical understanding of situations like this so he's helping me out

Speaking as a recovering evangelical who still keeps the faith, take what I say as only my opinion and nothing more. It has been my experience that pastors do not generally have training in infidelity trauma and sometimes can do more harm than good, trying to save the marriage and keep the flock together at any cost. Usually, that involves re-traumatizing the BS. Invariably, the will quote Hosea as an example and guilt the BS into quick and cheap forgiveness. Or they will say that we ate commanded to forgive. I agree with rge latter, but the time and form it takes is ours to decide.

My advice is to seek help from an IC who is experienced in infidelity, be it secular or religious. You set the pace and direction of your healing, no one else. You have been served a very big helping of difficulty. Give yourself grace and time.

Oh yeah he's not like that, we are more conservative and Orthodox. My mom was though which is what made her keep a secret and pay money out of her pocket to "help" my wife. This also came out in the therapist they picked, she was in an "open marriage" and poly or whatever. Basically she had no business being a therapist being a swinger. I wonder if my mom cheated since she has whores in her back pocket ready to cause as much destruction as possible after a nuke already went off.

I'm replying bottom from top since I can't remember what people said when I scroll up lol I'm on a phone.

@GoldenR.

She cheated for a few months but lied for 15 years, so technically she was still cheating on me.

@cantbemeeither

Yeah 40k is awesome and yeah lots to do

The problem with this "what they don't know won't hurt them" mentality is you can NEVER trust them!!! After all, they can do anything and justify keeping the behavior from you because.... "WTDKWHT". Reconciliation is impossible. It's not even like she eventually came off this mentality and confessed. She was just caught this time.

Also, your mom is something else as well. You'd think she'd support her son and not encourage her to make you live a lie for 15 years. Yikes. Time for a new family, or none.

[This message edited by Never2late at 4:42 AM, Tuesday, May 30th]

This is a really tough pill to swallow.

I just hope your pastor doesn't try to guilt you into staying with her if you don't want to. In delivering the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said that adultery was a just cause for divorce.

To second what Justsomeguy said, please try to get counseling with a therapist who is well grounded in treating patients in infidelity and trauma, because you are undergoing a very traumatic event. Probably one of the worst ever inflicted on a human.

What do you want to do? There is no rush to answer this question. But it will need to be answered. Much of the advice given will depend on your R or D decision. Is your wife remorseful? How has she responded to your finding out?

She also only came to my mother when the other guy broke it off so I was just plan b anyways

she may have lived in other relationships, you should offer a timeline and a polygraph

It hurts even more that your mother supports her.

She's remorseful, I guess. Though she hid it so it's a little late. Can't anything cheaters do be authentic? You went to therapy, where your therapist who was basically a prostitute, who told you what to do. Even if she went to a real one shed just get told what to say anyways. "Confess to my husband? honor my vows? Don't traumatize my children? Why didn't I think of any of that?"

Found out my wife had an affair fling for a few months when my kids were little. But what really hurts is instead of telling me, she went to my mother instead and she got her into therapy and both of them had the same idea of better yourself but don't tell him.

Sounds like your mom probably cheated on your dad. My guess is she also went to friends with this. I don't know if you are going to find out you were/are in a nest of vipers situation like I found myself in (turned out 3 other women close to my wife were all involved in affairs). I think you need to know who she told (aside from your mom) what sort of advice they gave, and why they didn't tell you.

I would take a bit of time to figure out IF you want to try to repair at all. That's up to you.

If you decide you'd like to give R a go, what you need just to start is complete disclosure. You need to remove 15 years of lies. You can't forgive or work on the problems you aren't aware of, and when you discover a new one it will set you back to the beginning or even worse than the beginning.

You need a complete written timeline of the affair, to the best of her recollection. A complete list of all people she has disclosed the affair to, I highly doubt it's limited to your mom and her therapist. All correspondence (if it exists) between her and AP. And as some have already mentioned a polygraph to confirm these have been delivered to you without intentional omissions or lies of commission.

I'm going to focus on the time you've been lied to for a second. I didn't discover years later, but being denied agency is one of the biggest problems here. She not only lied to you about the A, she stole your time from you afterwards if she was assuming you would divorce her. She was staying under false pretext and getting you in a position where you would have more and more emotional investment. This is emotional fraud on a huge scale.

This lie is foundational in many affairs, "What you don't know can't hurt you". I have an analogy for this which is a leaky pipe in the wall of your house. You wife is aware of the leak, but you are not. She doesn't actually repair the leak, because to do that she'd have to let you know about it. Instead, she gets really good at hiding the leak. She paints over it on a regular basis. She makes sure you don't go looking for the leak. She distracts you from the fact that it might be there. All the while water damage is accruing. Water damage that you don't know about. It's possible, that if she kept this up your whole lives, you WOULD have died, not knowing about all the damage she did by hiding this leak from you, but that wouldn't mean the water damage didn't happen.

You just found out about the leak, and it's been going on for 15 years. She's probably telling you it's not that much damage, really, but I think you'll find the rot has spread to a huge portion of the house. All the while she will be using her lifetime of cover up skills to minimize.

Ok. So as a guy whose mother helped my brother take money from me under false pretenses, I can say that there is almost nothing a parent can do that is worse than defrauding an adult child. My mom died 18 months ago and I never got real closure. So for my money, this is something that could break anyone including a warrior. Your view of your mom is altered permanently. And you have every right to be furious. Is she still around? If so, what does she have to say?

Now as to your manipulative utter POS wife, what kind of a fling? 10 times? Thirty? One month? One year? It’s hard to advise without more info.

If she left enough info for your CHILD to find it, then that means significant evidence of a significant betrayal. So what exactly are you dealing with?

Finally, what are you thinking going forward. It looks like D. If so we can help with that.