Topic is Sleeping.
Pained123 (original poster new member #83357) posted at 10:27 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023
I am trying to get through this time period with IC, exercise/long walks, and all of the other given advice. However, around eight months in and continued discoveries it is not working. I can't sleep well nor can I focus on my job which is analytical in nature and requires hours of intense focus. This has caused added stress contributed to a significant loss in income.
My question is whether it is worth considering medication? Does it help mask the pain and stop the flooding?
I will talk to my IC but I know she would prefer I didn't.
Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 11:12 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023
Oh this is something I wrestled with horribly along my journey. I did not want to medicate under any circumstance. I white knuckled it after DDay1. About 8 months or so after DDays 2/3 (when I finally exposed to OBS) I was not getting better. I was in a constant downward spiral. Every day on my way home from work I'd pull into a parking lot and just sob and/or rage scream. It got to the point where I was doing dumb shit. Leaving the burner on after cooking dinner, leaving the faucet run when I was done washing my hands, trying to start the dishwasher with the door still open. I found myself calling my work EAP hotline on a regular basis.
So...I talked to my Dr. She put me on a very mild antidepressant short term. And...it helped some. It wasn't magic. It didn't solve my problems nor numb my pain. But it did keep that constant state of horror and hyper vigilance out of my mind. It allowed me to feel but not be in a constant flood. I processed pain but no longer triggered over everything. After about 8 months I started getting tired of taking that little pill. I no longer looked at it as a help but as another source of sorrow. So I worked with my Dr. and weaned off it it as we agreed it was time. All the while knowing I reserved the right to change my mind at any time.
When I came off of it I saw things a bit clearer. The pain and sorrow was still there but no longer ruling my life. The Dr. also sent me home with an emergency back up plan in the form of a half dozen of Xanax just in case I do have moments of overwhelming anxiety and start spiraling. I don't use them often. BUT if something does happen where I feel that downward spiral happen, and start to be in a state of heightened anxiety and it becomes all consuming and other methods of processing/distraction don't work, I do take one with no shame.
I get a half dozen every 6 months and usually have leftovers. I have one in my work bag, my lunch box, and every purse I carry. Just knowing I have the option has been a comfort and in many cases just knowing I have that emergency back up plan on me at all times has in a few instances dialed me down. If I feel those old feelings start to creep in I tell myself "Chaos - you got this - and you know if in 20 min or so you aren't better you know you can take an emergency back up pill and there is no shame - you have options" and sometimes that is enough. Occasionally I need to take one. That's why I have it.
Pained123 - since you mentioned eight months in and you are still having issues - that reads "normal" to me. But I get that doesn't help you. I am glad to hear you are in IC [I still am although not as frequently] and I'm glad to hear of you practicing self care [walking is a favorite of mine]. There is no shame in asking for help, especially if what you are doing - after giving it adequate time - is not working. And medication doesn't have to be permanent or a lifestyle.
Coming here and asking others who've been there - done that is smart! And I'm very glad you did.
BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 12:08 AM on Friday, May 26th, 2023
I only self medicated. I did avoid alcohol. Being in a more liberal state and being more easy-going myself...
"Find the strain that helps you maintain". I found it very helpful for getting sleep.
Though cannabis does give some people anxiety instead of relieving it.
Difficulty focussing at work, I don't know if there is anything drug-wise. Stimulants increase anxiety more than they increase focus in my experience. Music, get working, hit flow and forget about life. Work can be an escape from the A if you let it.
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 12:31 AM on Friday, May 26th, 2023
It absolutely worked for me. Not being able to sleep and inability to focus on my job is exactly what happened to me. Once I got on antidepressants I got the tools back to start coming out of it. It wasn't like happy pills or anything. The medication just made it possible for me to sleep for more than 2 hours, and little by little I could focus again. I took them for about a year and then slowly weaned myself off. It saved my life.
Pained123 (original poster new member #83357) posted at 12:39 AM on Friday, May 26th, 2023
Thank you all for sharing. Your experience sounds a little how I feel Chaos...I really don't want to be on medication but I struggle with the constant sadness and horror that this is now my life. Hoping to alleviate that somewhat while I work out a path forward.
ibonnie ( member #62673) posted at 1:19 AM on Friday, May 26th, 2023
Sertraline (generic zoloft) made a HUGE difference. I had great IRL support, was seeing a therapist, but still crying every day and very depressed. It definitely helped me get through it. I'm no longer taking it, and haven't been for quite some time.
"I will survive, hey, hey!"
MalibuBayBreeze ( member #52124) posted at 1:39 AM on Friday, May 26th, 2023
I agree with This0is0Fine, the right strain of cannabis can work wonders. You want an Indiga strain, it helps greatly with being able to sleep and if you have something good, it doesn't take much. If it's available by you I recommend going to a weed shop and telling them what your needs are, you'd be amazed at the selection and the knowledge of the people at the service counter.
I do have a script for Xanax and during the early days post Dday I was taking 3 a day and I'm thankful I had it. Now I only take one at bedtime unless it's an usually anxiety inducing day. Combined with a few puffs of my favorite Indiga strain I am relaxed and sleep very well.
Exercise and walks are great tools as well and music was something I leaned on heavily, and listening while exercising and walking really helped distract my mind from the insanity of infidelity. Make yourself a Playlist of favorite non triggering songs. Lastly at only 8 months in, cut yourself a bit of slack especially if you're still discovering more info. It's a raw stage to be in and it's imperative to take care of you, make yourself your #1 priority.
A man or woman telling the truth doesn't mind being questioned.
A liar does.
BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:48 AM on Friday, May 26th, 2023
When I was not sleeping and not functioning, I went on Lexapro for about a year. It took the peaks of the worst lows and helped me get through. After a year I weened off and have been just going to therapy since then. And even that tapered off to less frequently - now just monthly.
Do what you need to do— so long as it is legal and not alcohol. You won’t need it permanently- just to get you through these tough days.
Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)
**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **
Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:01 AM on Friday, May 26th, 2023
If you were shot and put on pain medication you would probably take it. Consider this is the same pain. You need help so ask for it. Someone you trusted stabbed you in the back.
When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis
emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 5:57 PM on Friday, May 26th, 2023
I don't see why you wouldn't try. I know plenty of people whose lives have been meaningfully changed for the better by medication.
Depression is well understood to have significant negative effects on your attention, memory, processing speed, reading comprehension, and your ability to concentrate. Lack of sleep can often mimic depression or even cause depression and result in the same cognitive deficits (plus a whole host of other health issues). I know for myself that sleep deprivation drastically alters my ability to cope.
I also have a job that requires a lot of analysis and intense focus and I was an absolute mess post D-day. I started doing yoga with the goal of trying to keep my brain focused on anything non-A related for more than 10 minutes at a time.
Despite the above, I just wanted you to know that I felt incredibly similar to what you are describing at 7 months out. I don't say this to discourage you from seeking help, I just say it to assure you that you are not alone in what you are experiencing.
Finally, is there a reason your counsellor is opposed to medication? For reference, counsellors can be great at what they do, but they are not doctors. They do not have no expertise in pharmacological treatment and to be quite honest, I wouldn't put much stock in a counsellor's "opinion" regarding pharmacological treatment. The same way I wouldn't take my massage therapist's recommendations on whether or not I needed to take thyroid medications.
Me: BS. Him: WS. Together 16 years.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
6+ years (and two kids) into R. Happy.
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:12 PM on Friday, May 26th, 2023
However, around eight months in and continued discoveries
Meds might help. But THIS is a big part of the problem. At 8 months out, he shouldn't still be lying,and tell you the truth in bits and pieces. This is unacceptable. It's abuse.
You need to tell him to write a complete timeline,and follow it up with a polygraph. Give him consequences for continuing to lie to you. Detach. 180. Protect yourself.
I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.
swoned ( member #54719) posted at 4:20 PM on Saturday, May 27th, 2023
This may not help OP, but I'll contribute regardless.
For the MEN on here...
I felt incredibly anxious and depressed when i discovered my ex wife's affair, and happily began a regimen of anti-depressent and anti-anxiety medications. They probably? helped? maybe?
But the biggest problem was that the entire ordeal was incredibly emasculating, and I felt like I'd lost a lot of confidence, swagger, and frankly, didn't feel very manly.
So I joined a gym, I started running, I started doing Spartan races... then on a lark I went and had my Testosterone tested at a men's clinic.... Although my levels tested in the "normal range" the doctor explained to me how a higher T level may provide some benefits to me..
Let me tell you, that was the most helpful "medication" i went on... having a higher than average testosterone was life changing. I had energy, I had an appetite, my sex drive returned, I was gaining muscle, and frankly felt like I was in my 20's again.
Within a month, I no longer needed any anti-depressants or anti-anxiety. The T-therapy essentially fixed everything.
It may not be for everyone, but the men here might consider consulting with a men's health physician.
D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.
Topic is Sleeping.