Thoughts on victimhood

Reading a few self help / recovery books and there is a lot of language around not playing the victim or viewing yourself as a victim which I struggle with.

I understand wallowing in self pity is not useful, but as a BS, I can't help but feel that I am the victim in this situation. I also continue to feel that way every time I am triggered or when he gets defensive or avoids talking about his affairs.

It makes me wonder if the only option for not feeling like a victim is leaving. Or has anyone stayed with their WS and found a way not to feel like a victim?

15 comments posted: Saturday, September 16th, 2023

Are explanations always so basic

Nearly one year after D-Day (one PA, three EAs, multiple instances of reaching out to other women which could have turned into more).

He's doing IC but closest he's come to a why is essentially a need to feel wanted that is partly rooted in childhood issues. While he presented it as a bit of a breakthrough, it doesn't go very far in helping me understand why he would betray me and risk turning all our lives upside down. For starters, everyone wants to feel wanted and by his own admission he was the one withdrawing - spending more time away from home and keeping me in the dark about a lot of things.

I guess my question is, is the 'why' for the WS always so simple? I have been hoping for a thorough explanation for all this behavior - one that helps me connect the dots between the different instances of cheating and lying. However, I am starting to feel that this doesn't exist and it leaves me feeling pretty flat. Like how can I accept and forgive this if I can't understand it?

7 comments posted: Saturday, September 9th, 2023

When is enough enough regarding past details

I didn't want to derail the current thread on TT but dealing with a similar but specific issue.

Nearly everything I know about WHs lies and affairs has come from digging for details and from other people. He's confessed a few things but only after I was very close to figuring them out.

Because of this and the fact my gut instinct has been right time and again, I feel there's more I don't know and possibly more APs.

The specific issue I have now is that MC is suggesting that knowing more is not necessary helpful, that essentially knowing there was a pattern of behaviour is enough to decide whether I want to continue trying to R.

I don't agree and am feeling rather distraught. I like our MC but it seems wrong to suggest I should be able to move forward while accepting he may still be lying about the past. Like how can I trust him to be truthful about the present if he's lying about the past?

Has anyone encountered similar advice and been able to R without the full truth?

Note that I am not asking for painful details of his time together with APs, but asking for clarity on things that don't yet make sense AND wanting to know if there were other people and lies I don't know about.

17 comments posted: Thursday, August 10th, 2023

Letting go of misdirected anger towards APs

I know my WH is 100% responsible for all his lies and cheating and I mostly feel sorry for his APs due to their own pathetic behaviour. However, anger occasionally bubbles up at the thought of them knowingly taking time, affection, gifts, and money from a married man.

One of these individuals was a professional in a decently paid profession who did sex work on the side, and it particularly angers me that she was happy to destroy a family to fund holidays, nights out, and whatever else she spent it on.

I know this anger is misdirected and so I don't bring it up to WH or IC, but wondering how others make peace with this and let it go.

39 comments posted: Saturday, July 15th, 2023

Anyone helped by medication

I am trying to get through this time period with IC, exercise/long walks, and all of the other given advice. However, around eight months in and continued discoveries it is not working. I can't sleep well nor can I focus on my job which is analytical in nature and requires hours of intense focus. This has caused added stress contributed to a significant loss in income.

My question is whether it is worth considering medication? Does it help mask the pain and stop the flooding?

I will talk to my IC but I know she would prefer I didn't.

11 comments posted: Thursday, May 25th, 2023

How do you know when the lies have stopped

First time posting and not yet comfortable in sharing too many details but long story short, I found out about multiple affairs seven months ago (one PA and two EAs and one of those EAs a flirtation across several years).

We have been slowly working towards reconciliation and then I was contacted this week by a stranger informing me of a much more serious EA with a fourth person. It has been a shock to say the least and confirmed one of my worst fears which is that, despite showing me his phone, credit cards, bank statements etc and claiming transparency, if he really wants to hide something from me he will.

While this fourth affair is in the past (about a year before the others), the fact he did not disclose it makes me feel this could be the tip of the iceberg and that there could be many others.

Question is - how do you reach the point where you feel all has been revealed and you can actually make an informed decision about moving forward?

We have some big life decisions to make soon and I don't know if I should be making them from the viewpoint of a married couple or not.

19 comments posted: Saturday, May 20th, 2023