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Newest Member: Ozymandias

Divorce/Separation :
The Other Side (Update)

Topic is Sleeping.
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 squid (original poster member #57624) posted at 10:41 PM on Sunday, May 21st, 2023

Hello, SI Family.

I haven't been here in quite sometime. At least not regularly. I recognize a couple names here and there, but I am sure most of you have never heard of me.

I'm approximately 6.5 years post D-day, and 5 years post divorce. Mine was finalized at the end of 2018.

2019 pretty much sucked - lost my dad and a dog, continuing the downward spiral of depression, anxiety, fear of the unknown, all while trying to keep my kids on track with school and somewhat of a normal life at home.

Their mother moved an hour away, which pretty much limited her time with them to holidays. Otherwise, my two DS's were always with me, while my DD was/is out of state trying to do her own thing.

Then the lockdowns hit. My isolationist tendencies were now trending worldwide! Everything turned upside-down. People seemed to lose their minds. I tried to be the rock. Albeit, a rock with a very wobbly foundation, but a rock nonetheless.

Contact with my XWW was kept to a minimum. Texting or emails only, and only about the kids/logistics. This worked very well for me. I controlled the conversation, lessening my anxiety and steering me away from any drama.

Which brings me to yesterday.

My youngest son graduated high school! I'm proud because I got him through all of high school as best I could without totally falling apart in the process. Whew! Big milestone.

All that to say, I knew his mother was going to attend the graduation ceremony, as she should. And, of course, my son wanted to invite her to the dinner afterwards. Living in my conflict-avoidant / people-pleasing self, I obliged.

So over the last couple of weeks, apart from the mad sprint to the finish line, there was a sub-layer of anxiety in me, knowing that I was going to see my XWW for the first time since we finalized the divorce. In fact, she wasn't even at the final hearing. Just me. I believe the last time we saw each other was to transfer the title of her car from my name to hers. That was about three months before the divorce was final.

We sat with my eldest son between us for the ceremony. And then we were seated next to each other for the dinner. We had a pleasant conversation - talked about her new place, her family, life in general. We hugged after and exchanged some friendly texts, and that was that.

Long story short, I survived. The anxiety I had built up - fear of old feelings, the ptsd, the crushing gut-punch I would constantly re-live after D-day, was really for nothing. I could sit in a room with her, still remember the experience from years ago, but be okay in myself.

I'm not going to lie, I was emotionally exhausted after that dinner. But I made it.

You all will make it. All of the pain and feelings of universal unfairness that you are experiencing now, will eventually go away. It just takes lots of time and counseling and work.

I'm in no way my best self. But I'm working on it. I think after this experience I'm realizing I'm a lot stronger than I thought I could be.

So for you all thinking this is the end of your lives - yes, in a way, it is. But there's life on the other side of this.

As the saying goes, "The only way out of hell is through." Or something like that.

Be well, SI Family. 馃挆

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn鈥檛 what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2597   路   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   路   location: Central Florida
id 8791955
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 1:48 AM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

Congratulations for making it through to graduation, then all the anxiety for the celebration.

Sorry for the loss of your dad and your dog. I hope you're doing well through the grieving process.

Thank you for posting such a positive update.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3301   路   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   路   location: Washington State
id 8791965
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:51 AM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

Hey Squid! Sorry your had a few rough years there, but very happy to hear how well you have done overall. I mean, look at you ! All healed and launching kids and doing well.

Hope that upward progression continues, and congrats on the big milestone with your DS.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5902   路   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   路   location: Northern CA
id 8791977
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 squid (original poster member #57624) posted at 6:02 AM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

Hey Squid! Sorry your had a few rough years there,

A few rough years is par for the course. grin

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn鈥檛 what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2597   路   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   路   location: Central Florida
id 8791981
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JammyWheel ( member #80828) posted at 11:36 AM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

Thank you for posting this
I鈥檓 feeling like life is over and it鈥檚 nice to know there is life on the other side!

posts: 68   路   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2022
id 8791993
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Helena67 ( member #80506) posted at 9:32 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

Thank you for your post! I'm glad you made it to the other side. I'm in the midst of divorcing WH and it is so painfull. Your post gives me hope for a better, WH free, future!

BS (me) 56 years. Divorced!!!

posts: 128   路   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   路   location: The Netherlands
id 8792080
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Chili ( member #35503) posted at 4:06 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Squid! You old so-and-so.

Really great to get this update from you. I've wondered about you and how you were getting along.

Kudos for the awesome dad landmarks - you have much to be proud of there. I get that deep anxiety of the unknown of what it might be like to see the Ex again - what it might do to those wounds or how you might respond. But look at you - you did it with grace and strength - confirmation of all your hard work in healing.

Now...what I really want to know is what are you doing for *you* in your nexts? Is it time to take a deep breath - sit near a good view and take stock on what squid might like to explore next in this life of his? Hope you're giving yourself permission to think about such things.

As for me - I still pop on from time-to-time to try and pay it forward. Love seeing updates like this from other folks on the other side.

Cheers! (And swimming pigs 🐽

2012 pretty much sucked.
Things no longer suck.
Took off flying solo with the co-pilot chili dog.
"Life teaches you how to live it if you live long enough" - Tony Bennett

posts: 2233   路   registered: May. 2nd, 2012   路   location: Reality
id 8792165
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 squid (original poster member #57624) posted at 6:11 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Chili! So nice to hear from you again! It really has been a while...

Now...what I really want to know is what are you doing for *you* in your nexts? Is it time to take a deep breath - sit near a good view and take stock on what squid might like to explore next in this life of his? Hope you're giving yourself permission to think about such things.

I honestly have been so focused on getting through this milestone that I haven't focused much on myself. But I have daydreamed from time to time about taking some serious "me time" in the near future. It's definitely on my short list of things to do. Time to start checking off some bucket-list items. An extended, solo road trip could be on the horizon. smile

JammyWheel and Helena67, it definitely will get better for you. Chin up.

[This message edited by squid at 6:11 PM, Tuesday, May 23rd]

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn鈥檛 what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2597   路   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   路   location: Central Florida
id 8792189
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 7:21 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

It is good to hear from you - I recall your posts as our d-days are closer (d-day 1 is 8/17 and d-day 2 was 8/18). Glad to know time has done its thing for you too!

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2300   路   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8792206
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 3:04 AM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

I love this update! So glad you are making it through and things are on the up and up, I concur that life on the other side is blessed and I am so thankful for it. Really was the best decision for me. I'm 3 years out from leaving and am having the time of my life, which wouldn't of happened had I still allowed myself to stay stuck in limbo land. Be well!

fBS/fWS(me):50 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(20) DS(17)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8733   路   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   路   location: California
id 8792273
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 squid (original poster member #57624) posted at 11:37 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Thanks, TISL!

crazy,

I'm 3 years out from leaving and am having the time of my life, which wouldn't of happened had I still allowed myself to stay stuck in limbo land.

Limbo land is hell.

Cheers to the other side!

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn鈥檛 what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2597   路   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   路   location: Central Florida
id 8792403
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 1:23 AM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Hey squid! I鈥檝e wondered how you were doing. I鈥檓 glad you survived the graduation and the dinner with your sanity intact. You have arrived!

I left my exwh in 2017 and my divorce was just finalized a few months ago. There is absolutely life on the other side. Thank you for reminding us all.

And now that the graduation is over, take some squid time. You deserve it. Do things just for yourself. Be well!

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4513   路   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   路   location: USA
id 8792414
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BrokenheartedUK ( member #43520) posted at 2:51 AM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Hi Squid!!! So nice to see this update. You鈥檝e done an amazing job getting the last one over the wall. It鈥檚 not nothing, believe me I know.

Having been where you are (in all the ways) it鈥檚 a great opportunity for you to get back to you. And don鈥檛 worry, those kids will keep coming back. And you鈥檝e given them a huge sense of stability throughout. That鈥檚 not nothing.

Hopefully you鈥檒l find some sort of peace from that contact. You鈥檒l always live with the trauma, but you鈥檝e grown stronger in the broken places.

Me: BS
He cheated and then lied. Apparently cheaters lie. Huh. 13 months of false R. Divorced! 8/16 3 teenage kids
"The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon"
-Mizuta Masahide

posts: 3410   路   registered: May. 24th, 2014
id 8792422
Topic is Sleeping.
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