SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey, Emergent. Thanks for checking in.

Things are ok. We’ve had some first conflict over kid time, and that has me a little nervous. I’m sad when I’m away from them, I have a deep appreciation for them when I’m with them.

Things are strange with my wife. For everything that just blew up, she is acting like her top priority is still standing up for herself. It makes me want to be nowhere near her, it’s truly disgusting to me. I’m monitoring my desires, and my heart does not want her at this point and I don’t see it changing, certainly not with her acting like this. She told me the other night that she loves me and still wants to R, and within two minutes was calling me arrogant. She has characterized what she did to my daughter as a "poor parenting decision". I guess that is true, kind of like fucking POSOM was a "poor marriage decision". She is still doing therapy, I think she’s doing some self work, but that is no longer enough for me.

Part of the reason I’m quieter now is she knows I’m on here. And she’s hated it, but I didn’t care, and she said she wouldn’t read it, that it was like my diary and she asked me not to read hers. And so we had that, but then she did read this thread. It’s funny, that for all my wayward apologetics and you guys giving me all kinds of calming advice helping me to sustain in R, she reads this and concludes that SI has brainwashed me against her. It’s almost comical. It’s not really that I am upset that she knows my thoughts, I think if she read my entire transcript over the last year that she would see how damn hard I was trying to make this work. But with things where they are between us right now, there are some things I’m going to just keep to myself for now. She has said she won’t read it anymore, but there is this sticky trust problem…

So I’m ok. Work is a bright spot, I’m really enjoying the kids when I have them. Trying to get in shape, enjoy life, be productive. I almost feel the need to apologize for my life not being such a Jerry Springer show, you guys have lost the entertainment

Hi Brother,

I’ve loved your last few posts. Hearing about your improving understanding of your father – despite the trauma he put you and your family through (May 28), it sounds like a great gift.

And I was delighted to read your comments about your daughter. It really made my day - what an amazing gift.

I love hearing about father-daughter bonding experiences. I hope there are many more similar "moments", and that through this experience you grow closer with her and with your other children.
I can appreciate your missing them when you’re away, and deeply appreciate them when you’re back together.

Thanks also for your comments regarding my character.
If presented with the opportunity, I’d love to do coffee in heaven one day.

I do enjoy reading about your personal growth, the conversations with close confidents, reading, reflecting. I get it. I’ve grown so much personally, emotionally, spiritually and relationally through my challenging circumstances – and particularly since I was determined to seek growth in these ways.

I am glad that things are more peaceful and doing your soul some good at this present time.
Don't worry about the lack of entertainment (I had to laugh at this observation).
I read your threads and comments because I often find joy and useful insights from them.
From being a Physicist/Engineer it appears that you are also transforming into being a philosopher and theologian.
I was a Geochemist who has taken a similar route.

But I also acknowledge that life and recovery can be hard at times. I had to take a break from SI - for a week.
Despite my growth, I still experience triggers and lingering sadness. But I am still seeking to mature and grow through it and to see and experience the good that God can bring about in these circumstances.

I also want to say hi to IH’s wife.
I would recommend the wayward section to you as a place where you can chat and seek assistance. We’d love to hear your story, and I would hope that some of the great Wayward Wives could assist you. I've found their insights very helpful.

When I was a little younger, sadly my friends called me arrogant and condescending. I didn’t seek to be this way, and I had some growing to do – don’t we all. But I am a little older and definitely wiser, and some even find me far kinder and more considerate.

Hang in there both of you, for as someone also on the way, I truly wish you both health, happiness and holiness.
Kind regards,
FAWH.

she is acting like her top priority is still standing up for herself.

I doubt this comes as a surprise to anyone.

she knows I’m on here.

How?

she wouldn’t read it, that it was like my diary and she asked me not to read hers.

Interesting. I've not noticed any new WW posts, in the Wayward forum,that sound remotely similar to your situation.

but then she did read this thread.

Oof. Another promise broken. Another betrayal.
I kinda get it,though. This is her life, and how you're feeling affects her life. However,she never should have made the promise not to look.

she reads this and concludes that SI has brainwashed me against her.

Unremorseful WS hate this site.

She also,clearly, sees you as weak,and gullible. While attempting to slam us,that statement really gave you some insight into how she sees you.

there are some things I’m going to just keep to myself for now.

Good decision.

Ink,
Thanks for the update, even though it was discouraging. Had your WW spent anytime at all actually trying to UNDERSTAND your posts, she would have seen you at times tying yourself into a pretzel to save your M and give her another chance. The fact that she broke her word AGAIN, can’t see how much you’ve put into this and thinks you’ve been brain-washed tells you everything you need to know. Time to move on. The little nuggets she tosses you from time to time are never going to be enough.

Unremorseful WS hate this site.

I read recently about SI from a non SI perspective and of course this place was portrayed as a bunch of betrayed wives who were here to commiserate about their cheating husbands...such a strange mischaracterization, especially given that if not for labels like WH, WW, BW, BH, I would very often have no idea where the poster I'm interacting with falls into those categories, but in my view, I've seen a lot of BHs and BWs, but I don't have any scientific data to show the breakdown, but it feels like it is closer to 50:50 than this piece lead one to believe.

I do agree with the premise, if you are a wayward and you come here, you better be ready to deal with your shit, or else this place isn't going to seem kind to you, because we do not tolerate those in active affairs and we don't tolerate bullshit. I think the one thing that having gone through infidelity has taught me is my bullshit radar is now more finely attuned than it had been previously. The Wayward Side is littered with posters who join up, make a post or two but clearly aren't ready for their feet to be held to the fire and who knows if they return. We have some great posters and guides who began their journey here on SI as a Wayward and I've not ready every post, but most of those folks who stuck around owned their shit and dealt with it. Clearly InkHulk's wife is not ready to deal with her own shit, as evidenced by her actions and not her disregard for SI, but her vocalizing that to him just confirms that she isn't ready to deal with her shit and fix it, so that sort of leaves InkHulk with no other option than to seek an end to their marriage.

she knows I’m on here.

How?

I first found SI during my retroactive jealousy period. I did some google searches about what I was experiencing, found a name for it, and the search happened to include an SI thread about RJ. I talked with her about it at that time, she really disliked it then, though I had no understanding of why, it was obviously very threatening to her. I remember reading threads then, pre-confession, and having this weird experience of feeling very resonant with the stories (especially Dr Strangelove) and thinking that was weird. So when D-day came, I was posting the day after. So she has known about SI all along. I don’t know how much she has read in the year. Again, I’ve never really cared if she did read it, it would have been a much better vision of my heart and mind than what she allows me to say in person.

Interesting. I've not noticed any new WW posts, in the Wayward forum,that sound remotely similar to your situation.

I meant she asked me not to read her diary, not her thread. In my RJ time, I had read them (mostly from more than 20 years ago, but might have looked at recent as well, I am not 100% sure).

Oof. Another promise broken. Another betrayal.
I kinda get it,though. This is her life, and how you're feeling affects her life. However,she never should have made the promise not to look.

Yeah, some uncompromising honesty would go a long way these days. But I also understand. But she also could have, you know, talked to me. But then she would have had to see me angry, and that is completely out of the question.

Unremorseful WS hate this site.
She also,clearly, sees you as weak,and gullible. While attempting to slam us,that statement really gave you some insight into how she sees you.

She referred to you guys as my affair partner. Not kidding. I had no idea what to make of that comment. When she has looked at other things in the past, like I once sent her a thread with a gem from BSR and hoped she would gain something from it, all she heard was anything negative about waywards and couldn’t hear anything else. And when she read this thread, she just took away the advice from CT and Emergent and Bigger that lying is expected behavior and I therefore should have just calmed the hell down and kept going. That it was my fault for not being more "reasonable".
I have such a habit of contorting my own thinking to try to meet her "in the middle". I just need to stop, but it’s a hard habit to break.

she just took away the advice from CT and Emergent and Bigger that lying is expected behavior and I therefore should have just calmed the hell down

To be clear,I respect all of those members. I do,however, think the message sent in those kinds of statements can be very damaging.

It's expected that,for the first MONTH or so,more truth will come out. As things get talked about, more questions get asked, it's bound to happen. But out right lies..after the first few months? That should never be expected,or tolerated.

In MY opinion, infidelity is abuse. And the lies that are told months from dday is a continuation of abuse. To tell anyone they should expect it,and accept it,is unhealthy.

If a woman comes here,and says her husband hit her, she's immediately told to leave. Imagine, telling her it's ok to stay,as long as he says he won't hit her again and he's getting help..but it's expected that he will hit her again,as he's learning not to hit.

It seems that some forms of abuse are more acceptable than others.

As a survivor of every form of abuse..it took me decades to find my voice (shocking, I know!). I no longer tolerate any form of abuse in my life. And if I'm in a situation where I'm told it's to be expected, I remove myself from that situation.

Anyway...

SI is an invaluable resource. For BS and WS who are remorseful, and ready to work on themselves. It's a shame she isn't ready. I was really hoping she would get her shit together. For your sake..for the kids..and for herself.

Edited because I realized I didn't quite finish my thought.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:31 PM, Tuesday, June 13th]

To be clear,I respect all of those members. I do,however, think the message sent in those kinds of statements can be very damaging.

Yeah, me too, immense respect. I hope that didn’t come across as calling anyone out. Sorry, I’m sure I could have left names off that post. Either way, I in no way was meaning to disparage people or their advice, I think the world of those three, just saying what happened with my wife.

Speaking for myself, these lies and her handling of the messages to DD have changed everything for me. And who can say for sure, but I think even just the lies would have been enough to break it for me. I begged her to not allow me to attempt to rebuild my life on lies, and she looked me in the eyes and said she wouldn’t. I gave a version of "swear to God", and she did without hesitation. She said something recently that she would like to explain to me about the lying and her mindset "then", as if I should somehow believe the lies are over now. My father was a compulsive liar. I just can’t live my life like that.

If presented with the opportunity, I’d love to do coffee in heaven one day.

I may need to get a handle on my cursing streak to make that date

FAWH, is your story told on the site?

I am pretty sure those members message was something like lying is pretty expected from waywards whose head is deep in to their ass. I am damn sure they didn't mean that BS should just suck it up. It's just your wife like all waywards whose head has reached deep into the core area of the earth is willfuly misinterpretating the advice that was given here to her advantage. I simpler words, she is gaslighting you.

Of all the times she should have stood up for herself, she chose this time. She chose to stand up against one person who took an oath to protect her. She didn't stand up against those predators who she brought in her life and also into this marriage. 'Standing up for myself' is just her another narrative she is telling herself to justify her constant failures and poor decisions she is making. She just doesn't want to see herself, a victim of abuse, as an abuser.

it took me decades to find my voice (shocking, I know!)

It does seem like you are doing an admirable job making up for lost time

Of all the times she should have stood up for herself, she chose this time.

Yeah, this is maddening to me too, Lurking. She has delivered the worst wound of my life, and she feels that what she needs to do is avoid seeing my pain and making sure she isn’t treated badly. It’s gross.

It seems that some forms of abuse are more acceptable than others.

Truth is many forms of abuse are not yet universally considered as abuse. Not many people believe that infidelity is a form of abuse.

InkHulk: her behavior reminds me of a guy I knew in school who used to get bullied a lot. Instead of standing up against the bullies, he chose to bully other kids to feel in-control and powerful. That's what she is doing to you. Bullying you to make herself feel powerful and heroic.

Not many people believe that infidelity is a form of abuse.

Which is why I emphasized it was my opinion.

I believe it is an extreme form of abuse..and honestly can't understand how anyone can see it otherwise. It's emotional abuse, for certain. If it's a sexual affair, then I consider it a form of sexual abuse..because I never would have consented to sex,with a man who was also having sex with someone else. Regardless, I know not everyone shares my opinion, and that's ok. They think I'm wrong..and I think they're wrong.

Hellfire: Sorry, I should have been clearer. What I meant was outside this forum, and among non betrayed people, not many agree that infidelity is a form of abuse.

Truth is it is a multilayered, multifaceted, long drawn, slow, and very effective way of destroying a person by destroying their reality, identity, values, and finally, their own self.

Truth is it is a multilayered, multifaceted, long drawn, slow, and very effective way of destroying a person by destroying their reality, identity, values, and finally, their own self.

Only if the person lets it. And part of the value of this place is empowering the victims to prevent this. You all have helped me a great deal in that regard.

Only if the person lets it.

They all do. Difference is in the extent of damage they let in. I have never seen anyone escaping infidelity without scars.

Part of the reason I’m quieter now is she knows I’m on here. And she’s hated it

Every non remorseful WS hates this place. My WW hated it too. She blamed all my triggers on SI forgetting the fact that triggers came from infidelity, and infidelity that runs counter to SI

They all do. Difference is in the extent of damage they let in. I have never seen anyone escaping infidelity without scars.

Scars, no question. But "destroy" is another level. My world, self, reality was shaken to its utter core by this. Advice here to let go of the outcome and to value my own needs and desires, to hold her responsible for her own conduct, these all helped reinforce my inner structure to prevent complete ruin. What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul? I’ve had to learn to let go of things I see as highly precious to understand what is of the highest value. And it sucks to be forced to make trade offs at that level, but that was outside my control. I value humility and self sacrifice as virtues, but even Jesus assumes that we love and value ourselves in a healthy degree (above phrase, love your neighbor as yourself, etc.). I’d have taken a bullet for her, but it’s clear to me now that wasn’t reciprocated (Bruno Marrs has a great song about that).

Anyway, SI, keep up the good fight of detecting bullshit and propping up both the betrayed and wayward in their weakness. It is good and honorable work.