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Newest Member: Timewilltell44

General :
Caught her in a lie, might be done

Topic is Sleeping.
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:53 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

Excellent post by BSR

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8791687
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 6:52 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

And to think I was so close to starting a thread in the Reconciliation forum last week. I was so looking forward to WBFA losing his mind. laugh But then I remembered that I think I heard you aren’t supposed to swear there, and I thought well fuck that shit.

We’re planning on telling our kids tonight that we are separating. My wife changed her plans and won’t be leaving after we tell them, she doesn’t want to make it seem like she’s abandoning them (which I think is the right call). This is going to be a terrible weekend.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1773   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8791705
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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 7:26 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

I'm sorry. That's a tough conversation. Strength to you.

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2031   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8791711
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 7:38 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

My wife changed her plans and won’t be leaving after we tell them, she doesn’t want to make it seem like she’s abandoning them (which I think is the right call).

If that is her motivation for not leaving, then that's the best judgment call she's made in years. But I think it's likely that she doesn't want to lose control of the narrative by giving you an entire weekend alone to talk to the kids.

Have you and your wife discussed how you're going break the news to the kids? My advice would be as brief and to the point as possible. Also, as myself and others on this thread have said, please avoid focusing on the disclosure of your daughter's conversation with OM as the impetus for the separation... even though your daughter will probably be smart enough to recognize on her own that this info might've been the straw that back.

I know you thought you were on the road to reconciliation, but your wife's reaction to your latest discovery just confirms how emotionally divested she is from the marriage and solely focused on her own self interest. Even though you were pissed off beyond belief, I really think she could've reeled you back in if she had been willing to make some grand gesture of remorse and accountability.

There's no avoiding the fact that this weekend will be a shitty one... but I think you can probably make it suck less by planning at least one thing for yourself as a distraction, even if it's just going to the gym or a short outing with your kids.

Whatever you do, don't spend a single minute as a guest to your wife's self-pity party. I'm pretty sure the one she has planned could rival the Met Gala in its tone-deafness, self-indulgence, and extravagance.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1894   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8791714
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 7:46 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

Thanks, BTB, I hear you on all of it.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1773   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8791716
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 8:05 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

please avoid focusing on the disclosure of your daughter's conversation with OM as the impetus for the separation... even though your daughter will probably be smart enough to recognize on her own that this info might've been the straw that back.

THIS.

When I broke the news to my teen kids there was an audible sigh of relief. A sense of, FINALLY we’re all going to move forward out of THIS, floundering reconciliation hell. We all had a new found sense of hopeful purpose. The all-nighter affair discussions were going to finally end. Dad was going get off the damned computer. No more roller coaster of emotions and mood swings (ie hysterical bonding, MC with seeming reconnection then, BAM! The 180, back to hysterical bonding, wash rinse repeat cycle of hope-no hope-hope madness).

It was like the kids had already concluded that Mom catastrophically and categorically ruined the marriage, that divorce was a forgone conclusion and they were just waiting for Dad to catch up.

How you two conduct yourselves from this point forward will be most impactful on your kids. I will dare to say even more impactful than anything else up to this point.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:12 PM, Friday, May 19th]

posts: 1307   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8791721
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:09 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

Tell them the truth,in an agreement appropriate manner.

They know about the affair. You can tell them you've been trying, but it seems that the circumstances around the affair, are just too much to get past. That's the truth,without talking about OM and your daughter.

Don't tell them things like this happen, or that it's not your wife's fault. Neither of those are true.

Also remember she betrayed those kids just as she betrayed you. Your daughter, especially.

But be honest. They absolutely need to know they have one parent who will always be honest with them,even when it's hard. As you know, the worst thing about all of this is the lies. You can be honest, without being vindictive.

Your ww won't like you telling them the truth. But,that's ok. She prefers to be shady. That's on her. Don't lie to the kids to make her feel better.

You can honestly answer their questions, without going into detail.

If your dd does ask if it's about her private communication with OM, it's honest to tell her it's because your wife continues to be dishonest,and that is making reconciliation impossible.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:10 PM, Friday, May 19th]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8791723
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 8:30 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

If your dd does ask if it's about her private communication with OM, it's honest to tell her it's because your wife continues to be dishonest,and that is making reconciliation impossible.

This is the winning response. It's completely honest and puts the focus on your wife's dishonesty and omissions, not your daughter's candor.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1894   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8791733
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 10:58 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

Apparently my wife wants to go talk with my brother (the one I talked to the other night and we are very close) and his wife to try to better understand her situation from their perspective. I don’t even know what to do with that.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1773   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8791781
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 11:07 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

That makes no sense. You have told her how you feel. If she needs to talk to your brother to understand what's going on,then she hasn't been paying attention.

Honestly? I'd tell her no. You are separating. Your brother is YOUR support system. Not hers. She needs to find her own support..and that is not someone in your family.

I think she probably either wants to know what you're telling people,or she wants to tell him "her side," which will include blaming you,in some capacity.

Tell her no.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8791783
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 11:12 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

Apparently my wife wants to go talk with my brother (the one I talked to the other night and we are very close) and his wife to try to better understand her situation from their perspective. I don’t even know what to do with that.

Maybe she needs someone else to tell her that her post-A wall building versus reaching out was the wrong approach?

She didn't get that from MC. All MC told her was that she was right to make her agency the priority instead of you.

Married 35+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived. M Restored.
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4699   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8791784
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 11:12 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

Honestly? I'd tell her no. You are separating. Your brother is YOUR support system. Not hers. She needs to find her own support..and that is not someone in your family.

She can go, I don’t care. No one is going to move my brother off my side. She will still be raising my children for many years, anything that can possibly help her open her eyes, I’m all about it.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1773   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8791785
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 11:12 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

What does she wants to talk about? About separation? About daughter's situation? About her affair? About her reconciliation attempts?

What does your brother and his wife think about all of these? Is your wife looking for an ally? Or the confirmation that she really royally fucked up?

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 11:13 PM, Friday, May 19th]

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8791786
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 11:15 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

I don’t know, Lurking, but I look forward to hearing about it from my brother afterwards.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1773   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8791787
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 11:21 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

I don't think it's a bad thing. It's possible that the more she hears the truth from many different people, the more she might open her eyes.

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8791789
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FindingaWayHome ( member #78829) posted at 2:22 AM on Saturday, May 20th, 2023

Hi IH,

Our sympathies mate. One moment you're moving towards reconciliation and then your world implodes.
But I love your sense of humour (I tend to laugh loudest during the most challenging circumstances) as you struggle to cope. And I want to honour that sea views in Arizona comment on another thread - I loved that one.

And you are receiving an amazing commentary from the SI community with a wide divergence of insights and experiences.
We do feel for you and your family.

WRT your WW talking with your brother and sister in law, I hope that they are discerning people.
You may learn a lot about her motives and view of you.
Is she talking to them to "persuade" them to her point of view and to gather support to rugsweep.
Or are these people she trusts who can assist her to understand why you are so hurt and behaving the way you are (she truly may not understand if she is BPD).

Understanding her motives and perspective may assist you as you seek to get out of infidelity (whether divorce or reconciliation) and move forward yourself.

Hang in there brother - we're here to support and encourage you,
FAWH

posts: 123   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8791809
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 3:10 AM on Saturday, May 20th, 2023

How do your brother and his wife feel about having a chat with your wife?

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1894   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8791815
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rambler ( member #43747) posted at 9:51 PM on Saturday, May 20th, 2023

Ok my recommendation is to do the following.

Take the phone to a PI and also get a background check on OM.

Go to the police with both your DD and her boyfriend.

Start the process of trying to get an order of protection against POSOM.


Even if this doesn't work there will be a complaint on file for the next time he does this.

making it through

posts: 1412   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8791862
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:10 PM on Saturday, May 20th, 2023

I also think you should attempt to get a restraining order, on the grounds that he has had private contact with your underaged child.

How was her talk with your brother?

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8791865
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 7:23 AM on Sunday, May 21st, 2023

Who TF thinks it is normal to groom, emotionally or sexually, their married lover’s kids and bring them into the pig pen with them?

It's just par for the course. The selfishness and rationalization are off the chart. Part of it is probably seeking validation from any kind of approval of their AP from their children. "See, the kids love POSOM. We could have a great life together. What a wonderful mother I am!"

Me: 62, BS -- Her: 61, FWS -- Dday: 11/15/03 -- Married 37 yrs -- Reconciled

posts: 537   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8791884
Topic is Sleeping.
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