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Reconciliation :
Greeting Cards

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Stolenpast (original poster new member #82225) posted at 1:24 PM on Saturday, May 13th, 2023

I just spent the morning looking at Mother's day cards for my WW. It would be nice if someone could make cards that say in a sweet way that I love you and want to be with you, but you've hurt me deeply and you still have a long way to go before you resemble the person I thought I married.

I always have a hard time finding a card for her, Mother's day, birthday, anniversary. All of the cards talk about how wonderful they are, how lucky I am to have them in my life, etcetera. They just feel so disingenuous, so I always end up getting a funny card or something very basic that I add to.

I guess the whole point of this post is that it makes me sad that I can't pick one of the cards that say how wonderful she is without feeling that it would be a lie. Hopefully one day I will be able to.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2022
id 8790776
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Uxoragain ( new member #83025) posted at 2:33 PM on Saturday, May 13th, 2023

Excellent post.

Ten years out I don’t have as many struggles with this now, as there are many good attributes in Mr Uxor that have been a part of our recent history this past decade. And, he is and always was a good father.

But I obviously do struggle and struggled with any cards that have a blanket "all is sunshine and lollipops" script. I also struggled with pre-DDay cards I had given and received that I had saved that mutually gushed sunshine and lollipops. It felt and feels fake. Infidelity lies left little room for me to tolerate fake in our life.

A possible approach you might try that I did, and sometimes still do is to sign the gift itself.

Like sign a pretty flower pot with the things you do validly appreciate and love about your wife.

Example: My husband has a folding campfire chair signed by our kids and I from a father’s day a few years ago.

I also looked for blank cards for a while and wrote sentiments that are truths.

Hoping this might help…

[This message edited by Uxoragain at 3:50 PM, Saturday, May 13th]

Me: Mrs. Uxor, BW, 50's

Mr Uxor, WH, 50's

DDay Summer 2013

Currently Married almost 30 years.Reconciled but working on ripples so we stay that way.

I was here before - read about it in my story.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2023   ·   location: here
id 8790782
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:54 PM on Sunday, May 14th, 2023

My W really likes greeting cards, especially on days like her birthday, 2/24, Mothers' Day, our anniversary. She gives me cards with flowery words and has done so since 1967, so I assume she would like cards like that.

Every year I look for a card with flowery words that I can honestly say. For over 50 years I've almost always failed to find a card that expresses my thoughts and feelings without adding crap that I just wouldn't say.

After 40 years together, I finally decided to get blank cards and include a page of quotes about the occasion - love quotes work for 2/14, her b'day, and our anniversary. W really likes those cards. She really likes them. To be specific would be to *TMI*. smile

My reco: get a blank card, and write exactly what you want to say. I guarantee your feelings will change as time goes by. I don't know what direction your thoughts and feelings will go in, but they will definitely change. You'll probably be grateful for the documentation.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29891   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8790867
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FireandWater ( member #80084) posted at 12:07 AM on Monday, May 15th, 2023

I had a hard time finding the right cards for WH, even before D-Day. When I felt he was distant, ignoring me and avoiding interactions, it seems disingenuous to give him a card with a bunch of hearts and flowery sentiments. I found myself choosing cards that were funny or neutral. During the A, he continued to give me the big, flashy "I Love You" cards and nice gifts. Looking back I see it was just his guilt talking.

I found it difficult to accept cards and gifts from him right after D-Day. I felt like they were just consolation prizes, or him trying to assuage his guilt. I would look at a card and think, "How can this sentiment possibly be true after what you did?" I will give him credit for making some progress lately. He's been slow to come around and accept the damage he caused. A new IC and and bit of introspection seems to be helping him along. For Mother's Day today, he gave me a card that basically said, "I appreciate you. Thank you for all you do. I love you." For the first time in a long time, I feel like it was heart-felt. He sat there anxiously while I opened the card and reiterated verbally what it said. He also gave me a vase of flowers and a bag of little gifts that he thought I would like. It's been over a year since D-Day and we still have a long ways to go. Still, it's nice to feel like things are moving, at least a little.
"
"

posts: 163   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2022
id 8790891
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 11:24 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

There was a time not so long ago that every time I had to buy a card for WH I'd read the cards and say "fuck you" to each and every one I read. And if it were seasonal cards on high trigger days for me [Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, my birthday] I would just walk past the entire area and give it a good old "fuck you"

These days, I'm a bit more desensitized. If I buy a card at all - it is usually a humorous or plain/basic variety and I just sign my name Love, Chaos

If he gets me one on occasions, I just smile and say "thank you"

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3792   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8791318
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fournlau ( member #71803) posted at 1:50 AM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

I agree with the "blank" cards. That way you can write whatever you want. Quoting something is a good idea too, if you don't really know what to write.

I rarely get my WH a card because he doesn't care for them. If anyone gives him one he'll open it to see if there is money in it and then give it to me to read, cause like I said, he doesn't care for them. On his birthday however, I got a Star Wars card that was really nice (cost $13) and had all the kids sign it. They all wrote something silly or funny. We also put a couple of dollars in it because we all know that's what he likes from a card. It was in good fun and he was able to take the patch on the front of the card and put it on his backpack that he uses for work.

Either way, I think you should do what you want. If it's too stressful, forgo the card! At least for now and maybe revisit it later for a different occasion. Do what you find comfortable.

posts: 433   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2019
id 8791330
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 2:24 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

Greeting cards are a trigger for me. My H would buy them, then withhold them. Either he would tell me he wasn’t giving it to me because we had a fight (so he could hurt me more? Express his pain? Both??). Often times I would go through the desk looking for a stamp or checkbook or something and find one from months ago. Sometimes he would get me one and just not tell me.

This mothers day he bought me one, told me he bought it and still hasn’t given it. It is so painful. I told him how hurt I was about this, how I’m not sure I even want it anymore because it feels like he is giving it out of obligation and not a sincere desire to say whatever the card says to me. He told me that, since my present wasn’t ready until this Friday, he was saving it. That he wanted to write something nice in it, but (with anger in his voice) he guesses he will just sign it and hand it to me now then. I told him I’d rather he write what he wanted to say and give it to me sincerely and not in anger.

Emotional withholding like this- words of kindness, encouragement are extremely painful to me as he is in general a critical person and positivity is rare and often has to be earned. He’s getting better- I got my birthday card within the week of my birthday this year and a valentines card. It’s still just very painful to me.

We worked it out- he knows now that the gift can just be the gift. That getting the card promptly around the important day is more meaningful to me than a "stale" one given much more than a week or even more than 3 days later.

For him, presents are more important than cards. That and good times together are his love languages. Mine are words of affirmation and time together.

Anyway, I’m crying now writing this and just wanted to get this off my chest. Maybe one of you guys can relate.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1178   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8791382
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Devon99uk ( member #82658) posted at 8:00 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

Father's day is coming up, we have a little boy but I really don't feel like my WH deserves even a card. I wonder should I really force myself to buy one, I just don't know 😬😔

posts: 72   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2023   ·   location: South of England, UK
id 8792072
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Pained123 ( new member #83357) posted at 10:59 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

I thought it was just me but I can't even walk into the card section now without pain. The first time I tried buying a card it was just a reminder that all those things that belong to happy couples are not for us anymore.

I can't see it changing and have asked him not to buy a card either for days like our anniversary.

posts: 36   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2023
id 8792093
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Devon99uk ( member #82658) posted at 11:07 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

Pained123, oh I really feel your pain 😔 I don't even allow acknowledgement of anniversaries & birthdays, I just wish they didn't exist.

posts: 72   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2023   ·   location: South of England, UK
id 8792094
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:25 AM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

There is a very distinct and separate group of people in this world that are into greeting cards. For the rest they really don’t matter. That group is called "women". laugh

Jokes aside. If you are reconciling the goal has got to be that the gooey content matters. Might not now – but some time down the road she’s got to be the most important, the best wife and all that. There has to come a time where you steal a glance at her and think "Thank God I decided to work on our marriage, despite the affair" and while you are not looking she glances at you and thinks "Thank God he gave me a chance, despite the affair".

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:25 AM, Tuesday, May 23rd]

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12374   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8792107
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 12:06 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Thanks Bigger, I needed to hear this today:

she glances at you and thinks "Thank God he gave me a chance, despite the affair".

Can definitely say I'm getting there.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1178   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8792140
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WhiskeyBlues ( member #82662) posted at 12:58 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Valentines day just gone, I bought a (funny) card and held on to it for days. I literally just didn't know what to write. I ended up writing in it when he WH was driving home after work, on the day. For some reason all I could muster was drawing a picture in it of us as stick people dancing at a disco we had tickets for the following week 🤷‍♀️

Anniversary card nope. Didn't want the day acknowledged. Not happening.

Birthday cards are fine, again, will stick with humorous ones (we've always done this anyway).

Father's day is fine too, our girls can make him one or choose one from the shops.

I've never been a card person anyway.

posts: 107   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8792296
Topic is Sleeping.
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