ThankYah (original poster new member #79037) posted at 4:18 AM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
I’m near 2 years post D-Day and 6 months post court divorce, though it was common law and I consider the real divorce was when she cheated.
I had an experience recently, that I deem spiritual, which was a connection with another woman who has the same faith and values as me. It’s nothing concrete now, and would take time to grow naturally, but it showed me a glimpse of what is possible. I won’t expound on the details but after this moment I finally felt like my heart could move on from the divorce and my ex didn’t have this hold on me anymore. The thought of being with someone like this felt really good.
Before that was always the sense that maybe we would reconcile and I really wanted that for some time but she give much towards it. I sent her a message saying to remove the old photos she had of us together in her home because it’d be confusing for our children and that I’m going to remarry again someday. She started saying that she wants to make it work, and she loves me, wants to grow old together, she’ll makes the changes I want from her and we’ll have a better relationship than before. And all it took to bring these words out of her was going through divorce and to the brink where my heart started moving on and where she realizes how serious I am. I felt really sad after this, partly because the memories it brings back and partly for her. It seems genuine. I see the pure child in her but she is a grown woman and made her messy choices.
She still hasn’t admitted she cheated because to her we weren’t married because it was common law, but to the courts we were. She did say the past is in the past and she wants to focus on the beautiful now, just rug-sweeping. She is so clueless of how to make me feel better. I bet she has not googled about infidelity even one time. I know it’d be so much work to reconcile and I feel like I have to help "fix" her in so many aspects of her thinking and how she acts. If that some how worked it’d be a miracle and the gift a whole family for the young children would be great. My son is not even 3 yet and never got to experience that. If we could have a marriage better than before that’d be great.
I have more faith than most but this just seems like such a shot in the dark. It’s either this or a new marriage to another woman someday and not have the children’s parents together as one, but this may be better.
I feel in the middle of possible life paths again which is not comfortable. Just venting but feedback is appreciated.
Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 9:24 AM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
There are some things to consider here. She had an affair, went through with divorce, not remorseful. Then you show signs of moving on and she wants you back. She wants to set the terms of R by rug sweeping. You are trying to escape the box she has you in.
This is manipulative and selfish, she is discovering the grass isn’t greener, you got your freedom from this, take it and run with it.
Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:45 AM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
Part of divorce is letting go of what you could impact when married/together.
She could have a six foot golden statue of you in her living-room where she sacrifices chicken and goats to get you back for all you should care.
The pictures confusing for the kids… No… don’t think so. Pictures reflect what was, not what is. With time, when she realizes she’s lost you forever and/or when she’s in another relationship those pictures will go, but until then it’s not really your business what she has on display in HER HOME.
You need to look at each action from the stance of what would a judge or child protection think. CPS would not consider having family pictures as negative or bad for the kids.
Detach. Stop interacting with her except for the kids, and then only on matters that are really about the kids. It’s not your concern if she has pictures of you two as a couple, and it’s not her concern that you might marry some day.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 11:52 AM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
Your WW is manipulative.
She wants her cake and to be able to eat it too.
She has no right to make you reconcile with her once she has cheated.
Reconciliation is a gift and she doesn't see that.
You have every right to move on.
"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.
Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 12:55 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
The old classic - don't know what you got until it's gone.
And the cynic says the more you move on the more she'll act out. It is a manipulative tactic. Stay the course ThankYah - you're doing great.
She can act the drama all she wants. You are not obligated to buy a ticket and watch.
BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"
Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 1:49 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
This was a very similar circumstance that I found myself in with my 1st H. He cheated only 3 months after we were married. I did the "pick me dance" and won him back. Only...about 2 years and 1 child later...I caught him with yet another woman. He left me for her. Their lurve affair lasted about 2 weeks after they moved in together. We never lived together after that...but he would give signals that he wanted to...until he met a new "shiny".
It wasn't until I seriously started dating the man who became my 2nd H that my 1st H decided I was THE ONE! Oh gosh...the letters he wrote me...the way he acted...they were all I had ever WANTED in him. I told him once that if he would have tried even half as hard at working on our M as he did trying to get me back...we would have still been married. But he had put me through so much...and by that time it was too little too late. I divorced him and married my 2nd H. But it was my 2nd H's affair...almost 30 years to the day after my 1st H's last A...that brought me here. My 2nd H did the work...and we have truly moved OUT of infidelity and into a beautiful new M!
I agonized over my child being from a broken home as well. But in hindsight...it was the BEST move for all of us. We provided a loving and stable home for all of our children and I truly don't believe it would have been the same if I had stayed with my 1st H. My 1st H didn't change...had other children with other women...and cheated on them too. We have embraced the other children as well...and everyone gets along so lovingly. However...NONE of my 1st H's children will have anything to do with him today. It is so SAD how much he missed out on these pretty awesome children...but they have all embraced one another and have moved away from his toxicity.
Being in that limbo SUCKS!!! I sure wasn't looking for ANY kind of relationship when my 2nd H came into my life!! But like you...it made me see what COULD BE. That was an awesome feeling after having no feelings like that for a while. We took things slow...and he was so patient with me...very much UNLIKE my 1st H. I decided to take the leap...and I am so HAPPY that I did!! Just take things as slow as YOU need to...and with the faith you have...God will show you the path!
A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)
I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!
From respect comes great love...sassylee
ThankYah (original poster new member #79037) posted at 4:12 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
Thanks for the time and heartfelt replies. All great feedback. Got in my emotions for a moment there but clear headed now and there is now possible way on Earth I could be with some one like her again. Staying the course unwaveringly to new beginnings.
HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 5:24 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
She sounds like a "Grass is always greener..." type person.
Don't be grass.
SacredSoulSister ( member #83038) posted at 7:16 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
She still hasn’t admitted she cheated
She started saying that she wants to make it work, and she loves me, wants to grow old together, she’ll makes the changes I want from her and we’ll have a better relationship than before.
One question will give you your answer: "Do you admit that you cheated on me?"
She sounds like a "Grass is always greener..." type person.
Reminds me of a terrific quote I saw: The grass is greener because she's not over here f'ing it up.
Why did you tell her that you're going to remarry someday? What was the purpose? If you're merely sticking up your middle finger at her, okay. Were you fishing, though?
[This message edited by SacredSoulSister at 7:17 PM, Tuesday, March 14th]
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:50 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
My xWS still wants to R as well. Too much water under the bridge and I have lost complete respect and love for him. There wouldn't be anything there that I would ever want to work on again. On the plus side I also plan on re-marrying maybe one day. I have an awesome boyfriend who shows me what I should have been getting in my entire M. I say keep moving forward this thread has helped me eliminate some of the guilt I feel for leaving, but in the end it really was best for all of us to have a new beginning.
fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 8:37 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
She doesn't want you. She wants the ego-boost of knowing that you're somewhere still around pining for her. People like her cannot distinguish between the loss of real true love and a hit to their ego. She is mistaking the latter for the former. Her timing (and her lack of any actions indicating remorse before this point) speak volumes.
Stay strong in your resolve ThankYah. There IS a light at the end of this for you.
Me: BS. Him: WS. Together 16 years.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two kids) into R. Happy.