SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Should you tell the OBS about an EA?
When is it too late to do so?
If you did, how did you do it?

Yes, you should tell the OBS.

In my case, the AP was single so no OBS to tell.

I didn’t b/c I believed my WS story that he was abusive. Obviously that was complete BS — AP was on affair 8 or 9 and husband 3.. She was just a cheater with all the tricks. Once I realized that (slow learner, took me a year of false R), she was already divorcing and had told her spouse she wanted to be with my WS. It is my biggest regret that I didn’t tell the OBS and, if he knew, that he didn’t tell me.

I think it will take many many many years to be too late.

Always, always, always tell the OBS.

It is never too late. Weeks, months, years after the fact. It is never too late. The first best time to do it is when you find out, the second best time is now.

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 3:49 PM, Thursday, April 20th]

Workinprogress20,

If you tell the OBS, you may get an ally to compare notes with .

Your WS is likely lying to you with TT.

So if you have the OBS as an ally, you both can compare notes and get the full truth.

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 4:52 PM, Thursday, March 2nd]

Wouldn't you want someone to tell you? Give them the courtesy to plan their exit or confront their spouse.

Yes.

It's the golden rule/categorical imperative. If OBS knew your WS was cheating, would you want them to tell you? Would you want anyone that has such information to reveal to the person being deceived?

It's simple as that. The functional help of having two sets of eyes on the A is nice, but it's not why it's the right thing to do ethically.

I will say this until the day I die:

If there's any advice I could give those just finding out, its tell the OBS ASAP. Tell their employer if its at work. Do NOT let anyone get in your head. I did and 7 years later its too late. Its the one biggest regret I've had since finding out. Sure, I could tell her now, but I think he's had enough time to prep her and warn her about a crazy husband who accuses co-workers of cheating with his wife. And most of my evidence is gone as well.

I found an OBS almost 2 years later, it wasn’t too late and she actually shared information that proved my W was telling the truth in her timeline.

I sent OBS a letter since an address was all I could find. Last night, he called and we spoke for hours. He was able to fill in much of what I didn't know. I was able to speak more openly with him than anyone because he understands what I'm feeling better than anyone. It also made me feel better about the A, with his info I realized it wasn't some amazing, romantic experience, they were almost entirely having sex in a car, like the classless trash they are.

What if it has been almost 3 years? (Dday June 2020)

reasons that hold me back:

-time has passed

-what if he already knows

-what if he gets angry and does something to us

[This message edited by Workinprogress20 at 2:01 AM, Sunday, March 5th]

1) time - so if he has been lied to for three years or more it means he should never know?

2) if he already knows, what's the problem? Somewhat painful reminder? I know about my wife's cheating from years ago now. It's wouldn't bother me if someone came to me and said "just so you know your wife cheated on you". I mean I already contacted OBS in my case, but yeah.

3) that's a remote possibility. Your husband should have thought about safety up front. You could also die driving to work. It's the biggest risk we take every day. We take it just to get to work. I think the risk of doing the right thing is worth it.

Should you tell the OBS about an EA?
When is it too late to do so?
If you did, how did you do it?

Yes

Never, sooner is better

The OM in my case was unmarried and it was a PA/EA. I was in my mid '20's and sat each parent of WW down to explain the situation. Being transparent is always best. No, don't be vengeful, but telling the truth shines a light that is needed.

I waited over a year to tell the OBS - as it turned out he had found out the year before as well and also said nothing. I wish I had told him sooner.

I told the OBS, and the first words out of her mouth were "I knew it!" I was merely confirming what she already suspected. Over the next few weeks we were able to compare notes and check arrivals/departures to see if they were meeting up (they were).

I firmly believe telling her was the right thing to do, she has thanked me for doing so many times. I've also come to the conclusion that NOT doing so would be aiding and abetting the affair.

Two questions to ask yourself - would you want to have been told by the other spouse?

If it was your child being cheated on by a spouse, would you want someone to tell them?

I found the answers to those questions pretty much sealed the "should I or shouldn't I" debate I was having with myself.