SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'll keep this as brief as possible. I found out my husband cheated with one of my co-workers and best friends. Worse of all in my own house and bed.

Out of being upset, I paid him back by cheating on him with one of his best friends, who is a black guy. I actually enjoyed it at the time, with his friend being twice the size and lasting twice as long. But now I feel guilty and he found out.

I see it as we got even, but inside I still feel guilty.

Anyone been in the same position?

Well not sure what your end goal is?

Do you want to save your marriage?

If your goal was to pay him back with a big FU while you serve him divorce papers not very mentally healthy but you can move on and find a new healthier relationship.

You may want to seek some counseling for your self as you have had a very serious trauma and need to make sure you are mentally healthy in your next relationship.

If your goal was to pay him back and still try to keep your marriage that is probably not going to happen.

You just told us you had better sex and the new guy was much bigger and better.

No matter how horrible your husband was (and he was) he’s never going to come back from that.

That probably will cut him to his core and now he will never believe you enjoy sex with him again.

Best to just call this one quits. Get the divorce work on healing yourself and move on to a new healthier relationship.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve what he did.

Get some help. You don’t want to carry anger and toxicity into future relationships.

1,000% agree with Confused.

I suggest that you both take couples counseling and therapy together. Heal from it. See if you can get over his infidelity and he can get over yours. If there is love you can continue your relationship/ marriage.

  Moving to General

With a black guy who was twice as big and lasted twice as long....

Yeah, I can see what the point of this post is.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 5:55 AM, Saturday, February 11th]

GoldenR, precisely.

Look, I'm not trying to assume anyone's intent, and I want to be kind to everyone. This is a place of great pain. But I know the absolute last thing I'd ever want to do in a forum like this is praise some physical attributes of a woman that I find desirable and risk hitting one of these dear betrayed women or triggering thoughts and insecurities in their minds like, "Well see, there's proof that's what all men want..." or "yeah even the men in this safe place are stating their desire for X,Y,Z that the AP has that's better than me." The last thing I want to do is give any confirmation from a man's perspective to one of these wonderful women who are like sisters that share the same or similar pain that I've experienced. This initial post doesn't really seem very concerned with any sentiments like that.

This sounds like dysfunctional relationship where both of you have cruelly traumatized each other.

I would move on and work on becoming a healthier person so that you are happier and can have healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Posting as a member:
This post was moved out of JFO for a couple of very good reasons. The first being that JFO is a no-post-zone for waywards and mad-hatters, and the second being the incredible triggers posts like this activate with betrayed husbands.

Honestly – I would take more value in this post if there was more correlation in the header (boyfriend) and context (husband).
I will share – for the benefit of those betrayed men that think size is the key issue and main reason a partner cheated – the following:
By the time the WS has the comparison – by the time the wayward wife or gf can compare the OM humongous junk to your puny prawn… It’s too late. The infidelity has happened. It happened the minute the buttons and zippers started to give way. It started WAY BEFORE the WS knew what the OP was offering. So no – they did NOT cheat because of size.

I will also share that statistically repeated research indicates that 85% of all males are within the same 1 inch area. The other 15% are equally divided between those with more than an inch on us average guys and those that are an inch under. If some of the posts seen occasionally here on SI (and that always generate pages of responses) are to be believed it seems that married women are experts in finding the 7½% of men willing to cheat and carrying a registered weapon between their feet.
I somehow doubt it…

Atx – don’t keep it brief, because in your brief original post you don’t really tell us what happened. Why did your husband (or boyfriend) cheat? How did you find out? What has he done since? All these issues are a lot more relevant to YOUR story.
So is your decision to have a revenge affair.

What is not important and actually possibly ruffles some feathers is the relatively big emphasis you place on race and size. I hope this thread doesn’t turn into yet one more multi-page size thread like we have had here every year or two…

I paid him back by cheating on him with one of his best friends, who is a black guy.

Why are you mentioning the AP (affair partner)'s race? Why is this relevant to your story? You don't mention anyone else's race. 🤔

[This message edited by ibonnie at 2:19 PM, Saturday, February 11th]

I agree with Bigger, though I can understand WSes reading JFO.

I am what I am. One is what one is. My understanding is that one can't increase one's size without drastic surgical intervention.

I'm not happy knowing that there are people out there who are much better in bed than I am, or that there probably are women who are better in bed than my W, but I know it's probable - after all, all of us are likely to be close to average. Facts are facts.

IMO and IME, M is more than sex, and we have to almost always make compromises with ourselves. I wanted Sophia Loren. I was as sure as I could be that I'd never even meet her, much less get her into bed. I found someone else who turned my bones to jelly in real life. That was good enough, but I can't know for sure if she was the best I could do. Someone better could have been right around the next corner.

I spent too long fearing one of us would cheat. For the 5 years before the A, I stopped fearing that. I doubt that continuing my fear would have prevented my W's A. Those were 5 good years for me ... I liked being fear-free (in that area; fear kept me from, say, riding my bike on an Interstate highway). I recommend it.

Frankly, I don't see it as courageous to withdraw from the field just because one's rival has a bigger penis. Or better looking, or smarter, or richer, or anything. Life is better and one is more courageous when one goes after what one wants, at least in my experience.

Reread Bigger's tagline. In the area of penis size, his tagline says it all.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:41 PM, Saturday, February 11th]

This is the one subject discussion on SI where I regret my choice of user-name.
It has no refference to any physical comparison to anyone. I strive to be a bigger man than I was yesterday, and I'm not reffering to physical factors!

Anyone been in the same position?

Not I.

So, i cant relate.

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 6:26 PM, Saturday, February 11th]

LOL, Bigger!

Bigger,

Are you really bigger ?

*Bigger opened the door and Dorothy walked right through it"

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 3:36 AM, Sunday, February 12th]

Anyone been in the same position?

Nope. Never. Not once. I never felt like retaliating was the answer. There was so much brokenness going on already, I was too hurt by the betrayal that I couldn’t eat or sleep much less initiate a revenge affair.

I’m confused by the title of your post and the post itself - is this your husband or your boyfriend?? You say he slept with your best friend in your home, in your shared bed and the first thing you thought to do was retaliate by doing the exact same thing to him? Truthfully, I’m not sure how you can find a path forward without some IC on both your parts to figure out what’s going on inside that you’d think hurting your partner/spouse is ok. And IMO bringing in race/size is irrelevant; if your intent was to burn him to his core, then congratulations, you probably accomplished that. ESPECIALLY if you used that as a means to be as cruel as possible and compare him to the OM. You never brought up how you found out, what happened to your best friend, did you confront her, etc etc.

And the irony of what you're saying bigger, is that it holds true across races (seen more penises than I'd like to remember between locker rooms and squad bays). And my friends are a pretty diverse group of men, and this topic has actually come up before. And this stupid porn fueled feteshization stereotype hurts the average black guy the most. I've had a friend talk about how he's always set up to disappoint a woman at first encounter because she's expecting that feteshized stereotype, and as he said, "i guess I didn't get in the right line when DNA was being passed around that day, because there's not much worse in our hyoersexualized culture than being just and average or below average endowed black man". I know I'd hate to carry that weight of expectation, especially if it wasn't true of me as an individual. This stereotype screws with the heads of a good number of just average endowed black men. Plus, who the hell wants to be reduced as a person to their sex organs????

The proper response to dysfunction is not more dysfunction. Your actions have put you in the same category as him and now he can point to the fact that you are no better than he is. Most members here will bristle at your description of your AP's race and penis size. It does not add value to your story and to be honest, it comes off as immature and low class. We have Betrayed Husbands who may have insecurities about their endowment, and we must take extra care to express ourselves without hurting our betrayed brethren (and sisteren?).

Like others have asked, what is your end goal? That will shape the advice we share. If you are trying to reconcile, you have a very long road ahead and your actions post-betrayal have unfortunately compounded that. If you are planning to separate, I would recommend focusing on healing as well as learning more about yourself and your boundaries before involving another person. You don't want to bring all the baggage from this relationship into the next one.

I hope our initial responses don't scare you away, there is a lot of help here. I find this group looks out for each other and that includes you too. We are not really revenge oriented; We help those looking to get out of infidelity and so if that is your goal, you are in the right place and I encourage you to keep posting. Sometimes you will hear things you don't want to hear, but that is usually when you should pay the most attention.