SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I could barely remember my log in but... something has come up. Not bad at all, but it brings me back to years ago and I need advice...

DH has a job where he gets involved in businesses people want to start.
Twice now, some of my bff have started a business, gone to him, and I hear about it from THEM, not him.
Last night at book club one of them told me she bought a business, and thanks to DH, got the money to buy it.

It feels like a big secret where I am the last to know.
Of course he can't tell me because of company ethics. Or, can he?

I tell him everything that goes on with my job. "I made 111 gadgets today" doesn't sound as interesting as "guess who might get fired." I TRUST he'll keep his mouth shut and he does.
I've never betrayed any of his company secrets in 35 years of marriage.
We are a couple that I thought talks about everything, or so I thought.

What to do? I feel crushed.

Welcome back, this does not seem like any infidelity, but it has my wayward sense up. How does he handle your triggers? Does he help or is he avoidant?

This could be that he is trying to not trigger you but at the same time not disclosing it is triggery.

I would suggest an open discussion with him, he should tell you when he’s working and communicating with a bff.

I'm not worried about infidelity. It just feels secretive when he can't tell me things, based on company policy. I hate it.

Is your H bound by any confidentiality rules?

During my military career, I worked in Intel, all classified assignments, classified operations and if I mentioned any of my work to anyone without a security clearance would end my career. So, I do know about jobs where information cannot be shared. That said, I can see some sensitivity in a loan process, that clients wouldn’t want their personal finances to be shared with the world.

However, after a loan is processed and if your husband isn’t telling you their credit problems along the way, I can see him having some room to talk about some of the new business he has helped.

My wife has a number of contracts in her work that are secretive during negotiations, and she signs non-disclosure agreements all the time, but she will share when I ask, and with a caveat if the information is leaked. But she trusts me. I tend not to push though, I let her feel comfortable enough to tell me, which is part of my trying to be helpful and considerate of her work. It’s a tough balance, especially when two people are rebuilding a relationship.

I would at least tell him your concerns and why his current job of being secretive makes you feel the way you do.

He is bound by confidentiality rules.

I did discuss how this made me feel. That I arrive at a party and another woman says, "look what I've been up to with your hubby!"
Considering our past, this is hard.

Is he supportive at all? Does he see a way to tell you about projects that are completed? I mean if a new business sign goes up, no real reason to keep that a secret anymore since everyone can see a new business.

He should at least show some empathy here, IMHO.

My H's job requires confidentiality. He works from home and is required to have an office with a door closed. We both respect the rules. I never want him to share anyone's personal information with me. I would hate to think that somebody was not respecting my privacy by deciding it was okay to share information with their spouse.

I don't think it is a matter of whether or not you can be trusted with the information, it is that you are not entitled to have the information.

you are not entitled to have the information.

I suppose not. But imagine how that conversation with the woman made me feel.

FTR, I tell him everything. "I made 100 gadgets at work today." isn't as interesting as 'guess who got in trouble today." I trust that he'll keep it to himself.

If he is bound by confidentiality rules aren't you asking him to do something unethical?

If somebody told me that my H was able to help them I would tell them I was happy he was able to do that. It's not my business. He isn't allowed to share who he talks to with me. I would be upset with him if he didn't respect the boundaries of his job.

I'm not asking him to do something unethical. I said this morning, "do your job, I respect you for doing it. But just imagine what this is like for me. I hate that part of your job."

Ok. I'm sorry. I misunderstood. I thought you were asking him to share with you even though he can't.

You are looking for him to validate and empathize with your feelings?

yes. I think so. And he did.

But I still feel like I've been kept out of some secret. I'm sure I'll feel better in a bit.
I am resisting the urge to PA punish him. Like, when he asks me how my day was to say something smart a$$ed.
But... I won't.

"look what I've been up to with your hubby!"

I can see having this said at a party would be triggering.

It seems he could say "I’m helping bff launch a business", with no financial details.

My W is a personal trainer, she has to follow hippa guidelines. She has half dressed progress photos and weight data, some are our friends. She will tell me "Jane is doing great!" but not share any of the data with me.

If a guy came to me and said my W whipped him in shape, I would have a problem with it.

I have been a lawyer for many years.

Having a ‘vault’ and keeping track of who knows what is kind of second nature.

Some information I hold is not mine to share outside the office. Luckily most of it is boring.

I think part of the reason I’m instinctively good at this, comes from a less than healthy place. I grew up amidst an affair, protracted divorce, alcoholism and had to negotiate all of this, including Dad’s AP who he married and her kids.

One bad disclosure could ruin Christmas.

This could have really done a number on me but I am not a wayward and am pretty honest. I just have an ability to anticipate bad outcomes, which is the lawyers art.

Sometimes friends or family come for advice, asking me to wear my lawyer hat.

On occasions when I have shared some of this with my wife, I have found she is not very good at keeping it close to her chest. It has caused embarrassment at times. For example she might ask the person about it in a social setting and you can catch the person looking uncomfortable.

So if I do still share these things I kind of give my wife a lecture to not share, which she considers mansplaining.

Irrespective of infidelity Marriage is tricky. We have our own strengths and weaknesses. Keeping confidences is not one of my wife’s strengths, which is a little ironic frankly.

well, I've kept confidence regarding his job and haven't revealed anything for 35 years.

I can understand your feelings. I would feel the same way.

I also understand why he didn't tell you, if you knew and the friend of yours told you in passing conversation, and you let on you knew it could jeopardize your husband's job. This is a tricky subject to navigate. Like I said, if I were you I would also feel a similar way.

Would he not be able to at least tell you that your friend is seeking his counsel or working with him?

That would help avoid the awkward moment when a friend tells you something about your husband that you do not know.

I hear you. When My fwh and I were first married, he would do something quite like this. Not work related, but I got the same vibe. He would plan a vacation or a trip and then tell all his friends. The friends would then come to me and say, I hear you're going to such and such....and I'd have no clue. He didn't mean it to be a surprise for me. He just spent all his words on someone else. It was nice and also unsettling.
I totally understand why you might be triggered about this. And, the friend who says "look what I've been up to with your husband"?! I hope they don't know about the past infidelity. What a terrible thing to say!