SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The word mistake really gets me. A mistake is forgetting to pick up a gallon of milk at the store. Infidelity is a conscious decision (or thousands) to betray.

Stay strong - you can do this.

Thanks Nomud and Lea. Definitely love bombing. Definitely the same bs he's done for 13 years. Literally has been this way from Day 1 when we were dating. Huge fuck ups on his part. Not little normal ones that happen in any relationship. Big ones that I should've walked away for. Then him begging me back. "I'm the love of his life. He will do whatever." It's all bs. And yes he is so selfish. It's always about how he feels.

In 2019 when I first came here he promised the same. He'd do "whatever ". Then he'd refuse to give passwords to his social media, email, etc. Refuse to read books. I joked about it in frustration a few times. I said "you sound like the Meatloaf song. I'll do anything for love, but I won't do THAT." SMH

I am not falling for it this time. Too many times. Too many years. The ironic thing is he is telling me how miserable HE is. Not asking how I feel at all. But if he did I'd tell him I'm happier now. This past month has been so peaceful with him not here, even with all the bs he's tried to throw my way. Sure i've had a few moments where I'm mourning what I wanted for us, who I thought he was. But that person and who he really is are two different people. I'm OK. Better than I have been in a really long time. And I'm not turning back. Thank you both for your continued support.

Great update, KB. In the D/S forum, there's a thread called, "Stay No Contact - Post It Here". You can post what you'd like to tell him in the thread to get it off your chest and still remain NC.

It's so nice to have the drama llama out of the house, isn't it? I couldn't believe how calm things became, and I felt contentment for the first time in a very long time.

Keep it up!

Daily check in with some thoughts.

Yesterday my WH was messaging me for the first time since all this happened. This is what he does and has always done.

Fuck up>be an ass>apologize and love bomb and profess his undying love to me> empty promises to change> REPEAT.

just the small interaction with him yesterday reminded me of the toxic cycle I was in. I have been doing great since he's been gone almost a month now. But after interacting with him for the first time and only that small interactions, I was stressed again, had so much anxiety, couldn't sleep. That's what I was living for over 11 years, day in, day out and didn't even realize it. I am so glad not only I'm out of that, but also my kids. Bc regardless of how I tried to shield them from everything, they were getting pulled into that cycle as well.

Some of you guys have mentioned looking into betrayal trauma and trauma bonding. So while I couldn't sleep last night I found a betrayal trauma site. I listened to a podcast on there of another woman sharing her story and it was like listening to myself talk. It went over how infidelity itself is abuse. The lies, manipulation, etc. It really helped me. Much like this site, just hearing from people who understand what you are experiencing is so helpful in healing. So thanks to those who gave me that advice.

Anyway, hope everyone has an amazing day and I'll check in here later.

[This message edited by Kb82 at 4:33 PM, Friday, January 27th]

Lea just saw your post after I posted. Yes! It's like a dark cloud has been lifted. I will check out that thread. He has tried messaging me today too talking about how his tooth is infected and he thinks it's going to his brain. I simply screenshotted, forwarded to FIL and told him if he needs to get to a dentist/Dr I can keep the kids here instead of them visiting tomorrow and Sunday. I'm not interacting with him anymore. It's all a manipulation tactic of his that doesn'twork on me anymore. Thanks for your support and have a great day!

Isn't there a restraining order, prohibiting him from having any contact with you,unless it directly pertains to the children?

Take those messages, and go to the police department. He is in violation. They will see to it that he stops.

He's doing what all abusers do. He's trying to get you to feel sorry for him. He's seeing how far he can get his foot in the door. He's trying to get you to drop charges,or change your story,so he's no longer in trouble.

You have already responded to him about insurance. Stop responding. Stop talking to the in-laws. Block them from being able to contact you.

REPORT HIM for violating the restraining order! He's a slow learner and needs to face consequences for once. Also may need to report his parents since he's using them to try to contact you and exert co trol! Seek one against them, too! They are toxic.

It's good to hear that you are researching the trauma bond and other things. I have found knowledge to be the most healing for myself. Kids do feel/know a lot more than we realize as parents. But you are taking such big steps to get you all our of that toxic environment!!

How are you doing KB

Hey Nomud, doing pretty good today Thanks for checking in.. It's been a rainy nasty day here. Made homemade loaded potato soup and the kids and I have been snuggled up having a lazy day. I have not gotten anymore messages since Friday from WH or his family, thankfully. Friday night after I posted here FIL sent a big long message saying how he hopes me and WH work it out, that life is lonely when you dont have someone, blah blah. A bunch of manipulative bs basically. I ignored. Im assuming they are realizing they are stuck with him and his crap now. I WANTED to tell FIL that life is r
Much more lonely when the person that's supposed to be your partner has a lying, cheating, and violent tantrum problem. That life has been much more peaceful this past month than I can remember in the past 13 years.....But I didn't.

The last interaction I sent them from myself just stated to FIL that if they need me to keep the kids here instead of sending them for their visits this weekend bc of WHs teeth issue that was fine. They didn't state otherwise, FIL said WH was given antibiotics and is resting. so I did not send the kids for visitations this weekend. That was a relief for me . I have saved copies of all conversations they sent last week. I keep realizing just how toxic that family is.

I know now I cannot post links or websites here(apologies for the posts that contained the websites). But I have found a site that focuses on betrayal trauma and have been doing some self therapy. It has helped so much. This site also has group Therapy and individual therapy so I'm checking with my hr to see if that is one my employer will pay for. Also have found some therapists for the kids that is covered so am working on choosing the right one/s.

Thank you for the continued support from each and every one of you. You guys have played a huge part in helping me find the strength I needed to get out of this toxic, abusive relationship and I am forever grateful to all of you. I will keep checking in and updating.

So glad to hear you're doing good KB, and a snuggle day sounds fantastic!

It's great to hear that you've found the betrayal trauma site and possibly some therapy for you. Once you're out it's easy to see the toxic abuse for what it is, but healing it from it can still be very difficult.

I hope you find some great therapy for your kids. You are such a great mom!

It was probably easier on the kids to not have to go to that manipulative crap of a ws and family!

Thanks Nomud. We had a good quiet weekend at home. It was nice not having to worry about them being around his crap for a weekend. The kids seemed relieved too. He has started messaging me again. Saying he's going to the hospital. I haven't responded at all. His mother also messaged me asking to have the kids call him. It was 8 pm and the kids were winding down. I was working. I did not have them call him. He's back in "feel sorry for me" mode and I did no want to subject the kids to that. There is nothing in the court order saying anything about the kids calling him. My daughter has kid messenger and MIL proceeded to say to her "I know you've seen these messages but aren't able to respond". I monitor my daughter's messenger but I have not prevented her from talking to her grandmother. My daughter is smart and chooses to not interact on messenger sometimes. Her saying that ticked me off so bad and I'm sure that was her intention. She is now blocked. It's all manipulation that they've used on me for years and are now trying to use it with the kids. All messages received from both her and him said how bad HE is doing, how HE is having a hard time, etc. Not once have they asked how the kids are doing. Or apologized for knocking me down that night. Banging my head against the wall. Or apologized for subjecting our kids to that trauma. He sent one message stating how he's lost everything. His family, his house, his kids, about to lose his job, his health. Him saying he's going to the hospital and is scared. I wanted to say "call one of those naked people from your phone to go with you". But I didn't. I feel like a cold bitch sometimes. But I'm not. For the years with him he made me feel that way too.But putting up boundaries is not being cold. He has manipulated me and gaslit me for so long but I'm away and see it now. It feels good to start feeling like me again. It's been a long time since I did. Thanks for listening.

Thanks Nomud. We had a good quiet weekend at home. It was nice not having to worry about them being around his crap for a weekend. The kids seemed relieved too. He has started messaging me again. Saying he's going to the hospital. I haven't responded at all. His mother also messaged me asking to have the kids call him. It was 8 pm and the kids were winding down. I was working. I did not have them call him. He's back in "feel sorry for me" mode and I did no want to subject the kids to that. There is nothing in the court order saying anything about the kids calling him. My daughter has kid messenger and MIL proceeded to say to her "I know you've seen these messages but aren't able to respond". I monitor my daughter's messenger but I have not prevented her from talking to her grandmother. My daughter is smart and chooses to not interact on messenger sometimes. Her saying that ticked me off so bad and I'm sure that was her intention. She is now blocked. It's all manipulation that they've used on me for years and are now trying to use it with the kids. All messages received from both her and him said how bad HE is doing, how HE is having a hard time, etc. Not once have they asked how the kids are doing. Or apologized for knocking me down that night. Banging my head against the wall. Or apologized for subjecting our kids to that trauma. He sent one message stating how he's lost everything. His family, his house, his kids, about to lose his job, his health. Him saying he's going to the hospital and is scared. I wanted to say "call one of those naked people from your phone to go with you". But I didn't. I feel like a cold bitch sometimes. But I'm not. For the years with him he made me feel that way too.But putting up boundaries is not being cold. He has manipulated me and gaslit me for so long but I'm away and see it now. It feels good to start feeling like me again. It's been a long time since I did. Thanks for listening.

Nicely done. Keep going grey rock and not letting him manipulate you. Stay strong. I know that this has been hard. He is learning that he cannot control you and he needs to learn those lessons. It will continue and escalate, so I hope that it never gets to a territory of threats or additional violence, but I think it would be wise for you to keep your guard up there. Strength and hugs for you and your babies in this trying time.

[This message edited by Bor9455 at 3:57 PM, Tuesday, January 31st]

Honestly, you should file a restraining order against him AND his parents on behalf of your kids. They are actively trying to manipulate and harrass your kids using made up sickness and sob stories while blaming YOU for everything that has happened.

Bor, thank you. So much i WANT to say to him but I have not responded. I will write a letter and burn it. He's been messaging like crazy. I've documented all of it though for our next court date.

Ark I agree. I have an order of protection against him already. He and his parents have both been messaging me like crazy. They can't stand not having control. I read somewhere that each violation of an order of protection in my state (call, text, etc) is 10 days in jail automatically. If that's true He's looking at years. As much as he put me and the kids through i still dont wish that for him. But i didn't do this.. he did. Our entire relationship He's always made Me feel guilty for consequences of HIS actions. I guess after years of that it comes naturally. Still working on myself. I will be reporting the violations so I guess we will see what happens.

Thanks for the support guys.

Ark I agree. I have an order of protection against him already. He and his parents have both been messaging me like crazy. They can't stand not having control. I read somewhere that each violation of an order of protection in my state (call, text, etc) is 10 days in jail automatically. If that's true He's looking at years. As much as he put me and the kids through i still dont wish that for him. But i didn't do this.. he did. Our entire relationship He's always made Me feel guilty for consequences of HIS actions. I guess after years of that it comes naturally. Still working on myself. I will be reporting the violations so I guess we will see what happens.

I know that I've read it here on SI somewhere, but there are applications that courts monitor or have access to that you can use for communication with your WH for parenting purposes, but the incentive here is that anything he says to you is now clearly something a judge will see and be able to act on. Sort of a "big brother" is watching so you best mind your Ps and Qs sort of thing. I don't have any knowledge of this and I've only read about it and I may be misunderstanding these applications and their purpose, but it feels as though you really need to go NC with him and his family, save for any essential communications about the children. My only recommendation is to speak with your attorney and see what else you can do to establish some sort of No Contact with him and his whole family and/or to what extent can you do such a thing. I suggest this because it is important for your mental health that you get some distance between them and you. If my phone were constantly going off with messages from them about random shit, I would get frustrated and put notifications on silent. The only drawback there is if there was a true emergency and you needed to be reached, is that possible? I don't know the answer there, but I'm sure there is a better way than letting them just harass you constantly, because that is what they are doing, trying to bully and harass you into taking him back.

I agree with the above which is why I strongly encourage you to seek a restraining order against him and his parents on behalf of your children ASAP! They are toxic and WILL damage your kids and try to poison them against you. They are bullies.

Not reporting each contact immediately, may hurt your case.

Report them NOW. Report each contact immediately. Report that his parents are contacting you on his behalf. Take each message,each text,each voice-mail to the police station NOW. Take every message sent to your child as well,so they can see what they're doing.

I wanted to say "call one of those naked people from your phone to go with you"

omg kb this cracked me up

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the messaging shenanigans but good for you for staying strong and not getting sucked in. You are exactly right, this is the bed HE made so he best just find a way to get comfy in it.

Hey KB, what's good? How are you and the kids?