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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Reconciliation :
7 months out, things are "good"? But I don't like her...

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 Bandooked (original poster new member #81139) posted at 1:15 AM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

First post, not sure I'm ready to relive all the details right now. I got it all out on another forum because I couldn't get an account approval here for some reason. Anyways, you could say things are progressing failry well. She disclosed the info 7 months ago and I've been to hell and back since then. Nat a fairly stable place in our marriage but what's eating me lately is I just...don't like her anymore. She's not a bad person. I have no problem admitting that our marriage was cold and neither of us were putting in much effort, before the affair. It seems like everything is in place for reconciliation. But when we are not together I just try to visualize a life without her. We have 3 kids in the house and I can honestly say, if it wasn't for them, I'd be gone. Youngest is 9 so I don't think I can just hold on till he is on his own. And I know it's a terrible decision to stay together just for the kids, but it's also a factor that can't be ignored.

Her beauty used to be enough to get me through the hard days, when I felt I had nothing else to hold on to. I'm not even that interested in being intimate with her anymore, at least the last month or two. I think about him almost every time we kiss. Gross. In my heart of hearts I want to fight for my family, but my surface thoughts no longer have enough strength to keep me from looking at her and saying "gross" in my mind.

16 years of marriage. Just tossed aside for what she felt was lacking from me. Never offered to talk to me about it. Just slipped into fantasy world and lost her footing. I guess. One thing that bugs me is that she admitted to cheating in 5 other relationships when she was between 20-27 years old. We actually met online and technically she was still in a long term relationship when we started talking. I'm faaaar from a saint but have managed to never cheat. So I guess I look down my nose at her on that one.

It's like this, if I could push a button and it would make me love her deeply again, I would. That's what I really want I guess. But right now she's just, bleh... I feel like I've forgiven her. I don't hold it over her. I barely have mentioned the A in the last 2-3 months. If I do mention it it's just "that painful period in our marriage".

Anyone ever been stuck here?

posts: 9   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2022
id 8765051
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:29 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

Seven months is still really early to be feeling comfortable with your decision to R. Healing typically ranges from two to five years. It's a long process for both parties. I was surprised by what a complete wreck I was and how this very intimate betrayal had made me question nearly everything in my life. It really does take time.

That said, there really does come a point at which we need to take ownership of our decision to stay. That might mean remaking that choice on a daily basis for a long, long time in order to truly be comfortable with it, and certainly it means acknowledging the other path, the D path. If we don't take that option seriously, how are we really making a choice? Sure, there are lots of practical reasons for choosing R. Many of us have children to think about, shared finances, shared obligations, not enough resources to divide and still be comfortable, the list goes on. But if we don't spend some time really feeling the power of our choice, really feeling our own agency, how can we ever shuck off the victimization of our partner's betrayal? If we can't say, "I have the power to reject you wholly" and really mean it, how can we feel whole again?

I do think that sometimes we tot up all there is to lose in the weeks after dday and then fail to make an active choice because it seems there's just too much to lose. When we go along to get along with this nothing-burger choice, how can the results be satisfying? Apathy begets apathy.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6169   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8765104
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 Bandooked (original poster new member #81139) posted at 4:20 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

That's exactly where I am right now. I have been thinking about the possibility of D and what that looks like obsessively the last month. I've listened to a bunch of videos and read a bunch about other's experiences here. But like you said, R takes years and I'm still fresh into this, so I have this fear that I'm too early into this to even make a choice. My biggest fear...regret. So that shows me I'm not at a place that I can even make that decision. But because these thoughts are in my head, I don't even want to try with her right now. So we are not talking much which makes her feel insecure.

Sounds terrible but I wish she would just cheat again. Make this easy for me to walk away. Some days I regret agreeing to reconcile. But that fear of regret was probably the #1 catalyst.

I think the fact that we were drifting apart for so long makes it hard to hold any hope that there is something good for us to find in each other. The other day she said, "I feel like you didn't like me much before the A so you definitely don't like me much now". She's not wrong. I had that exact thought the day before. And she's not exactly putting in effort to make herself more attractive to me now. When I get in my head, her world unravels. She doesn't step up and show me she's worth fighting for. She just lays down and feels sorry for herself. She "needs" me and my love. I don't need her. I want a partnership, not a master/slave relationship.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2022
id 8765114
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:42 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

1) I went through phases of not liking my W. They passed. If they hadn't passed, I like to think we'd have split.

My reco is to monitor yourself to find out how long this lasts. If you get to the point of thinking it won't pass, take action.

2) You are in charge of your regret. You can avoid it by specifically owning your choices and by generally owning your shit. Your best bet by far is to allow yourself to make multiple mistakes, 'cause you're going to make them in any case. My reco is to keep reminding yourself that you're living your choices. You have to choose each moment to stay right now. You will have to choose to leave if you leave.

You make your choices based on what you experience, you can't predict the future, and there are no guarantees. The best you or anybody else can do is make a choice and deal with the consequences. And you can choose to let that be enough to prevent regret.

3) I'm surprised to read that you don't discuss your W's A. I wonder if you're forcing yourself to sweep it under the rug.

It wasn't 'painful period' in your M. It was an A. You didn't fail. Your M didn't fail. Your W failed. She fucked up your M with a nuclear bomb.

One thing I did for years was refer to 'my W's A'. I wanted to make sure I took that in. I wanted to make sure I wasn't giving my W a premature pass. I wanted to make sure I didn't pretend she didn't cheat.

I wonder if you're doing some rug-sweeping. Are you?

4) I'm going to pose some questions aimed at getting you thinking about things I think are important to R. Answering these specific questions may not be important if they evoke other questions that seem more important to you. Please don't feel obligated to answer them here as long as you answer them for yourself. I'll add, however, that you'll probably get more help from SI if you answer some of them publicly.

What are you doing to R? Do you have requirements? If so, what are they?

What are you doing for your own healing? Do you feel anger, grief, fear, and/or shame?

Why did you choose R? Your W's beauty isn't a bad reason, but obviously it's not enough.

What is your W doing to change from cheater to good partner?

What are you both doing to stay engaged?

5) Above all, no one can guarantee you'll R, but I can almost guarantee that you'll heal. You're a human being, and human beings know how to heal.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:45 PM, Monday, November 14th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27878   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8765116
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 8:34 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

I agree with the others that this takes time to heal from. For me those feelings never came back and my lack of respect for xWS worsened over time and after False R. I straddled limbo for a very long time and was staying for the kids until I just couldn't stand be married to him anymore. I would definitely D if you still feel this way in 5 years. R is a risk for the BS. Hopefully your WS continues to work on herself and the M, that definitely bodes well for R. Wish you both the best and hope it works out in the end.

There is a really good book that describes this feeling of disgust a BS feels after an A, but it is not an R friendly book just a head up. Called Cheating in a Nutshell.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 8:35 PM, Monday, November 14th]

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8358   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8765150
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 10:48 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

Sounds terrible but I wish she would just cheat again. Make this easy for me to walk away. Some days I regret agreeing to reconcile. But that fear of regret was probably the #1 catalyst.

I'm 7 years out and I could have written this. You will likely not regret getting a D (have never heard of someone regretting D, but so many on this site regret staying, especially since the DDays seem tp keep coming.) Odds are very heavy you will regret staying.

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 245   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8765162
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 Bandooked (original poster new member #81139) posted at 2:14 AM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

What are you doing to R? Do you have requirements? If so, what are they?

Really? Not much of anything. We've spent a lot of time together, went on several vacations, we talk. We took a class together at our church which is more psychology than Bible. It gets you to look at the good and bad times in your life and find your identity not in your success and failures, but who you are at the core. After the 4th week she called it stupid so we stopped going. I thought it would be good for us to do it together and work through some things,she hated the hard questions. She doesn't want to examine herself and what makes her tick, she just wants things to get better. She is in IC once a month now, and says she is glad for it. I'm not exactly thrilled with her therapist. Early on her therapist explained her affair as like when a kid stands up to their bully. Explaining that it's not right to hit a bully but I guess it's sort of expected? Crap, I dunno. I've never abused her. Never laid a finger on her. I think her therapist is trying to just make her feel better about herself, not get to the root of the issue.

What are you doing for your own healing? Do you feel anger, grief, fear, and/or shame?


I started working out 4 months ago and I bought a company from the guy I used to work for. I stay busy. Shame was the biggest hurdle for me in the beginning. It sucked. I still battle it but not as much, now it's just anger or indifference. I feel like I've accomplished a lot with my career and I'm proud of where I am. My clients love and appreciate me and I'm reliable and trustworthy. So I've focused a lot on that since D-Day. I felt like such a failure in everyway when I first learned that she had a 5 month affair with my son's guitar teacher.

Why did you choose R? Your W's beauty isn't a bad reason, but obviously it's not enough.

I think mostly because I feel it's morally the right thing to do. I've made my mistakes in life. Was in prison when I was a teenager. So who am I to judge? Felt I was morally obligated to give her a second chance.

What is your W doing to change from cheater to good partner?


If you ask her she'll say, and I quote, "I'm doing the best I can". She's trying to be more active with her kids. Sad thing is, before the affair, she had zero relationship with any of them. Now she tries harder with the youngest but has no clue how to reach the teenagers. I begged her for several years prior to the A to act like she gives a shit about the kids. I guess sucking off the guitar teacher was her way of showing she cared?

What are you both doing to stay engaged?


Right now, the last couple months, not much. It's like we are in the same relationship we were pre A. I've had one foot out the door for awhile.

5) Above all, no one can guarantee you'll R, but I can almost guarantee that you'll heal. You're a human being, and human beings know how to heal.

16 years down the crapper. Kids that don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. Broken home. It's hard for me to believe right now that I'll heal from this, but I have to, I know you are right.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2022
id 8765193
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 Bandooked (original poster new member #81139) posted at 2:22 AM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Thanks for the replies! Right now, if I had to sum up what I'm feeling/thinking...that I won't ever do better than staying with her. Like this is my only chance to have a happy life and now I have to suck it up and realize that yes, my wife was with another man for 5 months and told him she loved him. That's just my shit sandwich to eat. Could be worse.

Wow, I've never really put that thought into words. But yeah, that's how I feel. I guess that's where the fear of regret comes from. But why don't I regret the possibility of staying with someone who destroyed me and my lost chance of finding true happiness? I guess because I took serious the vows of "for better or worse". She didn't. Things were tough so she pulled the 'chute. Now she's trying to climb back in the wrecked airplane and hang some air fresheners on the rearview mirror and pretend everything is ok. Well, it's not. It sucks.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2022
id 8765194
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 3:24 AM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Nothing you have written sounds like a man who wants to stay with his wife. I think you've already made your decision. You just need to feel comfortable with it. Maybe your looking for permission to do what you know is right...

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 3:25 AM, Tuesday, November 15th]

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1364   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8765205
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 4:15 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

It sounds to me like your wife hasn't really done any of the work to make herself a safer partner for you. She hasn't put in the work to figure out her own shit, so at the moment you are living in a limbo situation where, sure, your wife is no longer actively in infidelity, but her mindset hasn't changed and she could just as easily start up a new affair or rekindle the old one at any moment.

My wife spent a lot of time fixing her shit and she has really grown in the last couple of years. We discussed at some point having Marriage 2.0 after version 1.0 was flushed down the toilet. I can you that had we not been in a good place, we wouldn't have bought a home this year and settled into a new place. For my sanity, I didn't know I needed the house until we moved, I felt this tremendous weight off my shoulders. Finally, we were in a place where her AP didn't know where we lived (shitbag came to my house for some booty calls and she gladly invited him in). It is a journey and takes time, but you both have to be willing to do the work to make it better and frankly, everything you've written makes it clear that your wife isn't putting in any of the work, mostly because she probably isn't going to like some of the ugly, honest truths that she will have to deal with in IC. Her flippant attitude about the program you two of you started and gave up after 4 weeks makes it clear that she just wanted you to rug sweep this and move on.

Myself - BH & WH - 35 years (05/24/1985)Her - BW & WW - 34 years (05/25/1986)<P>D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 269   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8765258
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 1:03 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Fear of divorce, being single, being alone is never a good reason to R and stay with a wayward. The only reason to stay with a wayward is because that’s what you want. Fear is not a want. It’s a state of being.

posts: 570   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8765344
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 2:46 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Her beauty used to be enough to get me through the hard days, when I felt I had nothing else to hold on to.

This part stuck out to me. Is it only her physical beauty that you are attracted to? Was there anything else...or is she that shallow?

I just happened to read an article yesterday from a GORGEOUS woman who said that she can't find a loving relationship because even though men DESIRE her...they don't LOVE her. That made me feel sad for her. Could this be what has been happening with your wife?

I am NO expert...but cheaters are broken people. They are WEAK...and go for what is easy for them. Her being a serial cheater from before...is it because that is how she felt love from others...by having sex with them? What about her...other than her beauty...made YOU fall in love with her?

A Mother's LOVE is a very STRONG feeling...but you have mentioned how she had NO relationship with y'alls kids. That is another puzzling thing. I have read on here about how sociopaths and narcissists are like this. Have you read about narcissists or sociopaths? You may find some traits of her in doing that type of research. Relationships with these personality types very rarely are able to be sustained. This may make your decision easier if you find out she is this way.

It's like this, if I could push a button and it would make me love her deeply again, I would. That's what I really want I guess.

You don't mention that you want HER to love YOU deeply again. Why? Do you feel that she DOES love you...you just can't love her? Or is it that you wouldn't mind staying with her as she is...if you felt something for her?

Something you could try is to turn the negatives into positives smile . You say how your surface thoughts have you looking at her and saying "gross". You could instead...when that thought enters your head...think of something positive. Instead of thinking "gross"...maybe you could think "Mother of my precious children"...or something like that?

Having a positive mindset is what helped ME to heal smile . I learned that we build "ruts" in our neuropathways that are "easy" routes that we think often. Some people build negative ruts...and that is what comes out on their thinking. It is sort of like you thinking "gross" when you look at your wife. It is HARD to get out of that negative mindset...especially when you are only 7 months in (((HUGS))). I was a little slower than average...it took me 7 years to feel completely healed...instead of the 2-5 year average. But working on getting from a negative mindset into a positive one was the key for ME smile .

Whatever happens...just KNOW...that you WILL heal from this smile .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6324   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8765389
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 Bandooked (original poster new member #81139) posted at 1:59 AM on Tuesday, November 22nd, 2022

@bor9455

The AP lives a stone throw away. I have been doing better but kinda crashed on the way home from the gym tonight. I drive right by his house almost every day. Have to, it's on the way to work and town. Been thinking maybe moving would be a good move, but don't want to do it ONLY to get away from him, obviously. But I could definitely do without the daily reminder. I mean, I can go many days without thinking about him, but then BAM, I get smacked by the memories again. There is also a bar they met at a few times just down the road. duh

posts: 9   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2022
id 8766224
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 2:42 AM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Bandooked,

Get to work exposing the OM facebook, linkedin, email, church, wife, family anyone and everyone in his life.

Do it all at once and without warnings or threats, especially do not tell your WW.

Get every penny you paid him back if he has to sell his plasma.

Put posters on the street where he lives.

posts: 1232   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8766383
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AlexE ( new member #82438) posted at 8:59 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

If you don't mind me asking, how were your first 2-4 months after the discovery?
I share a similar story, with 3 children and "20 years of marriage tossed aside for what she felt was lacking from me. Never offered to talk to me about it. Just slipped into a fantasy world and lost her footing. We are reconciled and I have a strong love for her, probably more than ever. I still go through the rollercoaster of emotions, rage, triggers. etc. My fear is that if I lose the love I will be left with nothing but pain.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2022   ·   location: Canada
id 8766496
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 Bandooked (original poster new member #81139) posted at 3:48 AM on Sunday, November 27th, 2022

AlexE...what do you mean, she never tried to talk to you? I read your other posts and you said she basically told you she was close to someone else? My first 2-4 months were hell, tbh. It does get easier with time, but the suck factor is always there. Like just this weekend we had a great time with family I haven't seen in years. I was able to mostly forget about the affair for a few days. But then just this evening the thoughts have began to creep back in. Where just a few hours ago we were being silly together and cuddling/hugs every time we saw each other, now she is asleep...and I want to just shove her off the bed. It's crazy how quickly the thoughts take over. It's worse I think when I'm tired or stressed. I just don't have as much strength to keep the thoughts out.

I reached out to a lawyer last week. I really, really don't want to go down that road but I'm not going to fake it my whole life. Don't know that I'm gonna file anytime soon. Just knowing I can gets me through some tough thoughts, sort of, but not really. It temporarily makes me feel in control...contrast to the absolute chaos she brought into my life.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2022
id 8766860
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 7:28 PM on Sunday, November 27th, 2022

Visiting an attorney is absolutely good medicine. You need to confront your fears with facts from the lawyer. You seem to be a Christian and so I’m sure you know you have full Biblical warrant for divorce after what she did - even Jesus explicitly said so. That doesn’t mean you MUST divorce but be careful - don’t let anyone in your faith community hold Hosea over your head and pressure you to stay. That was a one-time thing for an explicit purpose of God and NOT a template for all married believers!

Find your self worth and know you’re under no obligation to stay with this woman. You will be JUST FINE and likely much better off than staying with a woman who has proven to be unfaithful.

I have prayed for you.

posts: 152   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8766922
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 Bandooked (original poster new member #81139) posted at 2:13 AM on Tuesday, November 29th, 2022

gr8ful...

Yes, I am a Christian. Since you offered biblical guidance, let me run by you what my thoughts are. So, yes I understand that Adultery is grounds for divorce. However, the biggest example set in the bible is Christ's. He has been betrayed by all, including me. And I am supposed to follow His example, am I not? My wife has been changed by this event. Truly, she has responded in a way that I can't find much to discredit her repentance. Maybe it's just my ego, but I would feel better if she told me more than once that she was truly sorry. It's came out of her mouth only when I've been at my lowest but crazy as it sounds, she never truly set me down and looked me in the eyes and told me how sorry she is. Her first apology was via text messages, when she begged me to forgive her. She wasn't home for about 3 weeks after D-Day because I begged her to stay away. It took me about 2 weeks before I decided that I would attempt reconciliation. Then the first day she was back home, I came inside after work to find her sitting in bed looking nervous. I was nervous too. I went to our bathroom to gather my thoughts and think of what I can say. I came back out, sat on the bed, and told her that I don't think I'm a better person than her. I felt that I wanted to take a humble approach to this. She just sat and listened. She didn't cry or tell me then to my face how sorry she was. She just looked defeated and probably ashamed.

Anyways, I know she has to travel her road to healing, too. So I'm trying not to tell her what she HAS to do. But I'm conflicted as to what I should tell her when I'm feeling the struggle. If I share it with her she gets discouraged and thinks that I'm trying to intentionally hurt her. 7 months since D-Day and it feels like I can't have a bad day anymore. Most destructive thing anyone has ever done to me and she is sick of me struggling. It seems like I get triggered every 2-3 weeks. Then I get stuck in my head. Then it builds up and I look at her like my enemy. I don't yell or make a huge scene, I just sulk and she shuts down. She'll just mostly lay in bed and do nothing for days.

I just don't think I have it in me anymore. It sucks. I don't want to rip my family apart but I can't stop the flooding. If I could just get full custody of the kids and never see her again I'd do it right now but I know it's not fair to them.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2022
id 8767137
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:35 AM on Tuesday, November 29th, 2022

IMO you need to tell her everything you just said in your post. I would tell her that she needs to read, go to IC, be contrite, apologize, and show proper remorse. Bottom line, it looks like she needs to be told by you that she must do the required work.

I would also tell her what you said about the kids snd D. I would tell her that D is on your mind, not because you want it, but because she is not doing the work. I would tell her that the way things are heading, if you don’t end up divorcing her prior to, you will almost assuredly D her when the kids are out of the house.

posts: 570   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8767172
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 2:51 PM on Tuesday, November 29th, 2022

I'm not sure if someone else mentioned it already or I was on another thread. You may want to read Cheating in a Nutshell. I justcreread itc agsin last night and I found itcseemed to put into words so much that I just could not articulate ascacfreshly minted BS. It slso addresses some of the logical fallacies people use when approaching the decision to R. I think that the faith community, of which I am one, has done tremendous damage to BS'S by pressuring them to R a call costs. It is akin to re-victimization. Rather, I think D should be the default position did R only if the WS moves earth and heaven while the clock is ticking. That way, they can shit or get off the pot.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1364   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8767184
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