Newest Member: BallofAnxiety


7 months out, things are "good"? But I don't like her...

First post, not sure I'm ready to relive all the details right now. I got it all out on another forum because I couldn't get an account approval here for some reason. Anyways, you could say things are progressing failry well. She disclosed the info 7 months ago and I've been to hell and back since then. Nat a fairly stable place in our marriage but what's eating me lately is I just...don't like her anymore. She's not a bad person. I have no problem admitting that our marriage was cold and neither of us were putting in much effort, before the affair. It seems like everything is in place for reconciliation. But when we are not together I just try to visualize a life without her. We have 3 kids in the house and I can honestly say, if it wasn't for them, I'd be gone. Youngest is 9 so I don't think I can just hold on till he is on his own. And I know it's a terrible decision to stay together just for the kids, but it's also a factor that can't be ignored.

Her beauty used to be enough to get me through the hard days, when I felt I had nothing else to hold on to. I'm not even that interested in being intimate with her anymore, at least the last month or two. I think about him almost every time we kiss. Gross. In my heart of hearts I want to fight for my family, but my surface thoughts no longer have enough strength to keep me from looking at her and saying "gross" in my mind.

16 years of marriage. Just tossed aside for what she felt was lacking from me. Never offered to talk to me about it. Just slipped into fantasy world and lost her footing. I guess. One thing that bugs me is that she admitted to cheating in 5 other relationships when she was between 20-27 years old. We actually met online and technically she was still in a long term relationship when we started talking. I'm faaaar from a saint but have managed to never cheat. So I guess I look down my nose at her on that one.

It's like this, if I could push a button and it would make me love her deeply again, I would. That's what I really want I guess. But right now she's just, bleh... I feel like I've forgiven her. I don't hold it over her. I barely have mentioned the A in the last 2-3 months. If I do mention it it's just "that painful period in our marriage".

Anyone ever been stuck here?

23 comments posted: Sunday, November 13th, 2022

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