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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Reconciliation :
Should I wait for my WS to sort out their feelings?

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 ff56k2 (original poster new member #82305) posted at 4:21 PM on Saturday, November 12th, 2022

My WS had denied the affair all the way until I finally confronted her with evidence. She finally admitted it and was on the fence for awhile. She trickle truthed me and said she had ended things but offered me no proof. I tracked down and contacted the AP's spouse and told her about the affair I've discovered. Right after that, my WS said she came to her senses, that what she did was stupid, and we sent the No Contact message together. I set boundaries about no more lies, no more contact, and counselling, and she has kept it. DDay was only 2 weeks ago, so all this happened rather quickly. I worried if it was too quick.

I think she is still in the fog, and she says she is worried about why she hesitated to choose me immediately. She said she needs time to process this. At this moment she still feels very distant, her apologies don't sound sincere and lack any action to rectify, and I feel kind of alone. On one hand, I think she is sorting out her feelings because she's in the fog, and she says she wants to do that before committing to reconcile because it has to be a genuine decision on her part. On the other hand, I'm caught in this limbo where my recovery is on pause while I wait for her. I don't know how long I should wait, or even if I should wait. While I wait for her, I find myself caring for her and I feel alone and disappointed as she is distant. I struggle to wait for her without caring.

I found I was able to forgive her and let go of the grudges that were causing me hell fairly quickly. I see some people struggle with it for years, but now I'm afraid if this is a red flag.

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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:37 PM on Saturday, November 12th, 2022

Don't wait.

It sounds like the affair just went underground.

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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 6:01 PM on Saturday, November 12th, 2022

This is a huge red flag and you have a right to question it.

馃毄 she has to "sort out her feelings"

馃毄 apologies feel hollow

馃毄not much action from her (beyond no contact)

You are now in a new kind of hell. It鈥檚 called living in limbo. And you are watching your wife sit in the fence "to decide who she wants us to be with".

She鈥檚 NOT deciding on her feelings for you. She鈥檚 deciding on how she鈥檚 going to get over the affair and her feelings for the OM. She鈥檚 trying to figure out if she鈥檚 going to be happier with him or you.

I foolishly and stupidly was willing to give my H 90 days to "decide" whether he still wanted to be married to me.

90 days where I was auditioning to be his wife. I knew the game he was playing and I allowed him to play it. I was being compared and measured to the OW.

My regret is allowing it to happen. My regret is just realizing that after he "ended" the affair I didn鈥檛 realize it re-started and was underground.

Looking back the second he says "I need time to decide" I should鈥檝e seen the handwriting on the wall and went forward with a divorce. If he needs to think about whether I鈥檓 going to be his first choice, clearly I am not his first choice.

I hope this helps you clarify your current situation.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:02 PM, Saturday, November 12th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 6:06 PM on Saturday, November 12th, 2022

On one hand, I think she is sorting out her feelings because she's in the fog, and she says she wants to do that before committing to reconcile because it has to be a genuine decision on her part. On the other hand, I'm caught in this limbo where my recovery is on pause while I wait for her. I don't know how long I should wait, or even if I should wait.

While I absolutely do agree that WS's pretty much have their heads wedged firmly up their hindquarters during and after adultery, and that they can (and often do) recover, I don't think I'd have ever waited around for that. I think the choice is pretty much a binary one, "do you want to be here or don't you?" An "I don't know" isn't an affirmative choice. Only an affirmative choice is an affirmative choice. My fWH tried to straddle those two worlds for about a month after dday. He was assuring me that he wanted R but behind my back he was in contact with an OW pulling some kind of "let her down gently" maneuver because he just couldn't bear her being mad at him. When I caught him out on it he had about thirty seconds to choose between "all in" and "all out".

I do have mad respect for people who have the patience for dealing with indecision and maybes, but I knew that if I didn't have the emotional reassurance of being a priority for him while my injuries were so raw and fresh that I wasn't going to want him later. I didn't want someone who was confused about whether or not they wanted to be with me, and while I recognize that the cheating itself was an indicator of that reality, if he didn't have the good sense to snap me up while he still had a chance, I wouldn't value him anymore.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:23 PM on Saturday, November 12th, 2022

Hellfire may be right, but not necessarily.

Two weeks is nothing in the whole scheme of recovering from infidelity. It took my W 5 months, in her opinion, to start to feel remorse and to start to see her A as just another run-of-the-mill A. Admittedly, she committed to changing from cheater to good partner on d-day, whether we R'ed or D'ed, and she stopped lying on d-day. She also hid her attitude about remorse - she behaved remorsefully even though she didn't feel it, and I didn't realize that.

One thing I did that The1stWife didn't is that I auditioned my W for her role. She met my requirements, 2 of which were to show she loved me and desired (sex with) me, so we started R.

You've required some behaviors from your W, and those are good requirements. Do you have more? If you do, ley them out and find out if your W is willing to meet them.

How does your W's behavior impact your recovery? You can't R without her, but you most definitely can recover. What are you not doing that you think you need to do?

IMO, the BS needs to process their feelings - anger, grief, fear, shame - that come from being betrayed. Often that means process resistance toes to the feelings. But you can - and must - do that on your own. It's easier if your WS gives emotional support, but it's stil something you have to do on your own.

Are you in IC? Is the IC skilled. Is your IC helping you? If not, there are other ICS, many of who have real talent in helping their clients.

If forgiveness means giving up all desire for revenge, that has to be earned, and you've given it too cheaply. Is that what you mean?

If you've committed to R, you've almost definitely committed too quickly. R is hard work. It behooves a BS to observe the WS for some time to make sure the WS is a good candidate for R.

It's great that you know you want R. It's just that it's wise to hold off committing to R until you know you have a potential good partner, and IMO you need to observe your W for a lot more than 2 weeks to know that, especially after denials and TT.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

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 ff56k2 (original poster new member #82305) posted at 11:27 PM on Saturday, November 12th, 2022

Thanks for all the replies everyone, I appreciate all the insight I'm getting.

Don't wait.

It sounds like the affair just went underground.

While it might be possible, it's highly improbable. One of the conditions was giving me all access to messages, emails, etc. She worked with this person so I also review all their mundane work related correspondence as well. The other thing is I informed AP's wife so I have another person policing on that side as well.

You are now in a new kind of hell. It鈥檚 called living in limbo. And you are watching your wife sit in the fence "to decide who she wants us to be with".

She鈥檚 NOT deciding on her feelings for you. She鈥檚 deciding on how she鈥檚 going to get over the affair and her feelings for the OM. She鈥檚 trying to figure out if she鈥檚 going to be happier with him or you.

I agree to an extent. I do think she may still be in the fog, and I have had open conversations with her about this, giving her articles and videos to read to help her understand and get through it. I understand that she had a drug and she got cut off and she probably has cravings / feelings of withdrawals to get over. Although it's painful to know your WS has these feelings and emotions for another man, understanding why allows me to put aside my pain to have honest conversations with her about it and how to get through it. She understands what she had was stupid and wasn't real, the guy was cheating on his own wife and kids, but I'm sure the thrill and dopamine hit at the time outweighed any of that. The one thing keeping me sane is that I can honestly talk to her about it.

Looking back the second he says "I need time to decide" I should鈥檝e seen the handwriting on the wall and went forward with a divorce. If he needs to think about whether I鈥檓 going to be his first choice, clearly I am not his first choice.


When we were drafting the No Contact message together, she said she is choosing me. But she says that her hesitating scares her that if she doesn't address the reason for hesitation, things might relapse so she wants to figure it out. She is going for both IC and MC.

You've required some behaviors from your W, and those are good requirements. Do you have more? If you do, ley them out and find out if your W is willing to meet them.


So far I've only set a few and she has met them. Things like:
No more secrets (I have access to all her communication, her sending me pictures to reassure me etc.)
No more contact (they work together but in different countries, so only correspond by email and I get to read it)
Fix our problems (committing to both IC and MC and working on our past issues)

I think she is generally pretty willing to meet my boundaries.

How does your W's behavior impact your recovery? You can't R without her, but you most definitely can recover. What are you not doing that you think you need to do?


I think that to recover, there are only 2 real options. Either I forget about her and move on, or I'm here with her but I start to develop feelings. It's problematic when I develop feelings but we can't head to reconcile. Her answer kind of makes sense to me? Like if she is going to commit to reconciliation it has to be a genuine commitment from her side and having these withdrawal feelings makes it hard for her to do so. We're still talking about it. I think it makes me feel discouraged from time to time, like I'm the only one willing to fight for this and she's on the fence about reconciliation. When I was willing to walk away, I didn't have this pain, but once I develop feelings, they come back.

IMO, the BS needs to process their feelings - anger, grief, fear, shame - that come from being betrayed. Often that means process resistance toes to the feelings. But you can - and must - do that on your own. It's easier if your WS gives emotional support, but it's stil something you have to do on your own.


I definitely had anger in the beginning, but I don't really hold on to anger for long, so for me that was an easy one to drop. The anger was just hurting me and others. Grief is the real killer for me. I'm a giver personality and this was someone who I gave 110% of myself to, so grieving the loss of something so dear to me was and is really hard for me. Fear was there when I developed feelings again, but it's gone whenever I genuinely decide I want to walk away. I have to be mindful that if I R, I don't do it out of fear. Shame isn't really an issue for me, what people think wasn't really a concern to me with this situation. I 100% agree this is my cross to bear and I need to process all this on my own.

Are you in IC? Is the IC skilled. Is your IC helping you? If not, there are other ICS, many of who have real talent in helping their clients.


Yes I am in IC, and it has been helpful. I discovered that me sacrificing all my me-time to take care of the kid and let her have her time off to de-stress was taking a toll on me. It was building up resentment in me because my WS didn't reciprocate and offer me time off. However it was my own issue of not asking for time-off that was really the root cause. Not having activities that defined me eroded my identity and confidence, so now this is something I am working on and it's helped a lot. I am committed to making the marriage kickass if we R, cause the marriage situation previously sucked and neither of us were happy.

If forgiveness means giving up all desire for revenge, that has to be earned, and you've given it too cheaply. Is that what you mean?


Yes I wonder if I've given it too cheaply and if she would devalue what she did as a result. I don't view forgiveness as something that is earned, it is my decision to forgive you or not, regardless of what you did. Forgiving the other person relieves them of their burden, but also my own burden holding onto the resentment and the hate. But my worry is there because my WS has mistaken compassion for weakness in the past.

If you've committed to R, you've almost definitely committed too quickly. R is hard work. It behooves a BS to observe the WS for some time to make sure the WS is a good candidate for R.


We haven't committed yet, but me being around her starts to build this hope. And I guess I am a bit scared that this hope is going to lead to me being destroyed again. So I have a lot of fear when it comes to handling this hope of R because I get ahead of myself and it burns me. For her to be a good candidate, she has to change some of her core values. For example she is very self centered, she has problems empathizing so she can only see her own stress and pain, not the pain of others. Things like this would take time to change and normal logic says I shouldn't hold my breathe but here I am.


It's great that you know you want R. It's just that it's wise to hold off committing to R until you know you have a potential good partner, and IMO you need to observe your W for a lot more than 2 weeks to know that, especially after denials and TT.

Thanks for this, great advice and this is really helpful. What do I do with my feelings during this time is probably my issue. Being around them makes me develop feelings, being away will probably mean I will walk away. I want to give this a chance but either way is problematic. Maybe I'm just being impatient and I want to get through this as quickly as possible, but I agree that it has to run it's course and not rush a decision.

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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 11:39 PM on Saturday, November 12th, 2022

it's highly improbable. One of the conditions was giving me all access to messages, emails, etc. She worked with this person so I also review all their mundane work related correspondence as well. The other thing is I informed AP's wife so I have another person policing on that side as well.

I see some good,some not so good.

New BS tend to misjudge the tactics a WS employs. Having full access is good..yet a burner phone is very likely,especially with the way she is acting,and what she is saying.

She will delete any messages she doesn't want you to see.

Also,they like to download a messaging app,use it,then delete it before they come home. Check the play store,and you can see any recently added apps.

The things she is saying,and the way she is acting are huge red flags,amd very commonly associated with a WS who is still cheating.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:47 PM, Saturday, November 12th]

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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:09 AM on Sunday, November 13th, 2022

After dday2 I did not make my H audition for his role as my H. However I did have to decide if we were going to be happy if we R. And that included me figuring out if I was better off with him or without him.

What we are trying to tell you is that any emotional connection or feeling your wife has for the OM is a 馃毄. Doesn鈥檛 matter if they are still in touch or not.

My H came home and told me about his affair. He admitted it. Stupidly I gave him credit for being honest. I thought - how bad can it be, he admitted it and because he said he did not want to be a liar and cheater, I thought better of him.

Ten days later he wants a D. So his "affair that meant nothing" was far more serious than he admitted.

Do not for one second believe the lies of a cheater. The only thing you can go on right now is a cheater鈥檚 actions. And from what you posted, there are 馃毄馃毄馃毄.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 12:13 AM on Sunday, November 13th, 2022

This thread is in the wrong subforum, and needs to be moved.

Respectfully OP, you are NOT in Reconciliation. Hell your WW seems hardly REGRETFUL, nevermind remorseful.

You really should instead be considering D at this point.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 12:14 AM, Sunday, November 13th]

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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 3:18 AM on Sunday, November 13th, 2022

Fellow earthling:

Quote from a place I read:

If my wife had an affair, my first question would be "Why?"

I would not immediately assume the answer was "because she's a ****ty human". I would want to know how we had failed together to build a relationship that was fulfilling enough to make the alternatives look poor by comparison. Sometimes infidelity is the disease, and sometimes it's only the symptom.


I don't see that your wife affair is/was only emotional or they met somewhere and consummated. (EA or PA?)

Do you really know what you are facing in terms of her violation of marriage vows.

As another poster has mentioned - lots of ways to contact - the burner phone (a phone you don't know she has) - application on her phone with a clandestine message feature? There are apps that mimic something innocuous like a calculator or a picture - and with a "magic" access method - a Messenger appears! Secret email account? Using a legit application like LinkedIn which has a message feature? Thought comes to mind of a military officer (flag rank I think) who he and his paramour never sent each other messages - just created a message and then left it in the draft folder. Then the paramour would access same email account and find the "draft" message. Ergo - no 'sent' messages. Nice eh?

"Confronted with evidence" - is the evidence perfectly provable or of such nature as to render the fact of infidelity absolutely
occurred? (is still?)


Getting back to the quote - is she (whether she has told you or not) using your marriage history as a reason to indulge in the fantasy?

DDay was only 2 weeks ago, so all this happened rather quickly. I worried if it was too quick.

Confrontation with irrefutable proof and informing the AP's spouse: GOOD WORK!

I would consider a visit to an attorney and your physician for STD tests.

You have "caught" an affair (of some sort) - has there been another before?


First order of business is planning a path to 'getting out of infidelity" - the choice is "R" - which is really realy hard - or the big "D" - more $$$ but far easier.

Last words: Have you exposed to family? Children involved? People at work know? More crap to chomp through . . .

Not Just Friends

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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 5:44 AM on Sunday, November 13th, 2022

Hi ff

I鈥檓 sorry you are here.

Quite often we see here betrayed spouses mistake dragging their cheating partner through counseling because they think that is what "fighting for your marriage" means.

It鈥檚 understandable.

But counterintuitively as it may be, the opposite is really true.

By going to counseling, especially marriage counseling, you have opened the door to blame shifting and for the therapist to "treat the marriage" and not the person spreading blame evenly when that is the furthest thing from the truth.

Let me tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes. And remember for me, I would do this even if I wanted a life with my partner still. Forcing someone to stay with you, because of guilt and regret, or to save face, is NOT a recipe for a happy and successful marriage going forward.

So here are the steps I would take if currently facing the same awful situation you are.

I would start by telling her, "you cheated on me and our marriage. Both physically and emotionally. You made someone else your partner and husband more than I was.

You broke your marriage vows to me. You didn鈥檛 forsake all others. You didn鈥檛 Love Honor Cherish and Protect me. No, you did that for him.

When you did that. When you fell in love and had sex with him, you ended our marriage. Not legally, but practically.

If you want to be with him, I will give you that chance. But even if you want to be with me, I will be divorcing you. You ended the marriage, I did not. But I will legally end what your choices destroyed.

If you want to have another chance with me, you will have to change. I鈥檓 not holding my breath that you have it in you to do so. But maybe you鈥檒l surprise me.

I will make no guarantees that I can find it in my heart to forgive you. And you have a big hurdle to be with me if that鈥檚 what you decide you want because I won鈥檛 forget what you have done.

But I鈥檓 not interested in a life with the person who was able to do this to me so callously. You had no concern how this would hurt me. But if you work on yourself and figure out what was so broken inside you that you decided this was the best path for you, me, us and our family, then down the road, depending where we each are in our lives, we can discuss the possibilities.

But that work starts with you and individual counseling on figuring out if this is the person you want to be the rest of your life. You treat people poorly. That includes me. And you have a superiority complex that needs to go. You are not better than others. In fact, as a cheater, you鈥檙e worse than most.

So if you really want to win me back, then you鈥檒l do that work. And if you don鈥檛 do it, that will show me that you don鈥檛 really have me in your heart that way.

Because one of the first things you鈥檇 have to prove to me is that you love me and no one else. And right now I鈥檓 sure I鈥檓 not even #1 in your heart let alone the only one. I cannot be with someone who is in love with another. That鈥檚 a deal breaker. And I think it鈥檚 gonna take a long time to prove to me that your cheating partner, your boyfriend, is someone you actually see as the pond scum he and you really are right now.

So take your time and decide what you want. You鈥檒l be served soon with divorce papers. Perhaps that is what you want since all your actions the last X months point to that as your end goal.

I promise to be the best coparent I can be. I hope you will also as that鈥檚 what is best for our child. And if you decide to put in the work, and it starts with a minimum of 1 year in weekly therapy, and I see you taking actions to protect us instead of your lover, then maybe we can talk in a few months. Because quite honestly, except for discussing our child, I鈥檓 not interested in talking to you anymore. And if you stay who you are now, then I don鈥檛 see myself being interested in talking to you anytime soon.

I wish you well."

Honestly ff this is to me how you truly fight for your marriage. You each in this way have to "let go of the outcome ". If you are truly wanting a life with her, you have to let her decide to truly work for it. If you dont let her do that, and you push her to do things she wouldn鈥檛 willingly do herself, you only end up reconciling with yourself, not her. And again, that is a recipe for an awful life.

Think about it. Glad to answer any questions you may have.

Hi ff

I鈥檓 sorry to hear your first post at the top of this thread. Because the truth is, you鈥檙e right. You鈥檙e in limbo. And she is controlling everything.

And to be honest, on your original thread you said you had told her what I just reposted above.

But in truth, you really didn鈥檛 did you. Or not the important parts. Because in reading what you wrote on this thread it shows me you are still trying to drag her through recovery and reconciliation, hoping that she鈥檒l just suddenly wake up and realize she loves you and only you.

I鈥檓 gonna hope you hear me what I say this, I know it鈥檚 devastatingly painful, but it just doesn鈥檛 work that way.

You wrote, " I鈥檓 giving her articles to read." That doesn鈥檛 work. Why hasn鈥檛 she researched and found those articles. If she were desperate to fix what she destroyed, she would have.

Why isn鈥檛 she being proactive? Because she doesn鈥檛 have to. You鈥檙e doing it for her. As I wrote above, you are going to do this hard work, try to do everything right and be perfect, and in the end, you won鈥檛 be reconciling with her, but instead you鈥檒l be reconciling with yourself, making her say the words you need to hear like a ventriloquists dummy.

Just saying the words (and it doesn鈥檛 sound like she is even saying them well) is different than her actually feeling them. And until she does that on her own, you won鈥檛 even be starting the rebuilding process.

So again, please stop. Just stop. Stop talking about it unless she asks to. Just talk about kids and finances. If you have to, say what I wrote above, but this time really say it and really mean it.

Then stop. Stop marriage counseling. MC cannot repair the trauma that her affair afflicted on you. Only you working w an IC trauma specialist can.

MC cannot repair the damage inside her that caused her to cheat. She will either get IC for that on her own or she won鈥檛. You can鈥檛 do that for her.

And then truly stop. Kids and finances only. You鈥檝e made your statement so live up to it.

Because as I stated at the top of my post, you think you鈥檙e fighting for your marriage by what you are doing now, but in truth, you鈥檙e honestly fighting against it. You鈥檙e giving her the chance to do nothing and still keep you around cuz you鈥檙e doing all the work.

Instead let her prove herself either way, as someone desperate to keep her man, or someone who shows she鈥檚 just not into you.

So stop engaging and call the attorney and ask him yo write up divorce papers to be served. Make this real. She鈥檚 not taking you seriously. She thinks if she waits you out she can get you to forget and move on. That she had her fun and can now go back to treating you like less than she treated her lover.

But the truth is, without her truly doing real work and showing you that you are her one true love and she has fixed what was inside her thru years of self analysis and helping you heal through a Change in attitude that makes your happiness equal or more important to hers, you鈥檒l never forget and you鈥檒l never be happy.

I promise you, if you keep on your current path, a year from now you鈥檒l be saying those all too sad words "I wish I had listened". I鈥檓 begging you to change your approach. What you are doing now is not going to work.

As I said above, please consider it.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:13 AM on Sunday, November 13th, 2022

I understand your situation b/c I had a very similar experience. Except I did not know about SI at the time of my H鈥檚 affair.

You as the betrayed spouse (BS) CANNOT fix the cheater or the marriage or the issues that "caused" the cheater to cheat.

Many BS think they can. They put forth great effort to help the cheater Reconcile.

Best advice: stop focusing on your cheating spouse. Nothing you do or don鈥檛 do will change her feelings or decisions. Instead focus on yourself. You will be better off for it.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 2:09 PM on Sunday, November 13th, 2022

ff56k2,

You have done a lot right as far as confronting your wayward wife, contacting the affair partner's spouse, being involved in sending the no contact message, and requiring access to devices. You've done a lot right.

Your wife has not: the affair itself, the denial, the trickle truth, the lack of remorse and being on the fence about how she feels about you.

It's okay that she's being honest with those last 2 things. If that's what she's feeling, then that's what she's feeling. But it isn't a foundation for reconciliation.

You can make her want you.

Sit with that for a minute.

I would offer a couple of perspectives about this:

You doing the work FOR her to reconcile (giving her articles to read, trying to explain the fog so she'll understand it and see it) isn't going to lead to reconciliation but instead to codependence. Ultimately, she won't find it attractive and she'll take it for granted. You can't be more "in" the relationship than she is and you can't make her be more "in." She has to do that.

You say you're a giver, and that's awesome!

However, relationships where one is mainly the giver and the other is mainly the taker aren't healthy. Don't promote that.

Giving works when both partners are givers.

You can't do the work FOR her here and you can't drag her through it successfully.

Ultimately, I doubt you'll be happy with the result.

If you are putting out more effort than she is, in order to reconcile a relationship she betrayed, is she truly becoming a safer partner to you?

She has withdrawn from the relationship. She's telling you that.

I would urge you to withdraw too for now. Pull back. Do, at minimum, a soft 180.

Let her understand you are the prize and if she wants to fix this then she has to be all in and she has to initiate the work to show you that.

You are the prize: the loving, faithful, giving spouse (not perfect, of course, but no one is). If you want to be truly reconciled, she has to do her own work to fix the trust that she broke. You can't be the manager of her work; she has to be, or she's not really changing.

Strength to you!

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 2:12 PM, Sunday, November 13th]

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?No, I ain't happy yet.But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrsBoth in IC & MCMarried 31 yrs now2 kids-both in HSAttempting R

posts: 291   路   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8764987
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 4:16 PM on Sunday, November 13th, 2022

You mentioned a dynamic, that you devoted so much of yourself to your wife and kids that you lost yourself and your identity. As a result, your WW鈥檚 A is much more difficult to process, deal with, and heal from.

I literally just read an article that showed up in my Apple News feed, originated from BBC Science Focus Magazine, called the Lonely Hearts Club Man. The thesis is that many men are lonely, especially when they hit middle age. It goes on that for married men, much of their social connections are through their wives. They rely on their wife for social snd emotional support, their friends are their wife鈥檚 girlfriend鈥檚 husbands, etc.

I could be wrong, but my observation is that BH鈥檚 recover better when they have their own, unique, and strong set of social connections, whether it be their blood relatives, friends, hobbies, clubs, doing social activities that don鈥檛 involve their wife snd kids, etc. Much advice on this site for BH鈥檚 is to develop these things post A, assuming they were absent beforehand.

I think this advice would be helpful in your particular situation as well.

posts: 570   路   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8764999
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 9:42 PM on Sunday, November 13th, 2022

She probably doesn't even need a burner phone, or even to download apps (like Whatsapp, Telegram, messenger, snapchat,etc.) and delete them later, she likely just has to use the company's phone system, a lot of companies these days use VOIP systems (no long distance charges), especially large companies that have offices in different countries.

She's definitely not a good candidate for R at this time by a very long shot, in fact she's told you she's not even sure she genuinely wants to, therefore at this point your default position should be to prepare for D, D typically takes a long time and you can always stop it (or NOT!) if she comes around, shows true remorse (not just regret of getting caught) and starts doing the heavy lifting to help restore the M she destroyed with her huge betrayal, that means to contact an attorney to know your legal options, but if you decide to give R a try, here are some of the basic requirements that have stood the test of time:

1) NC Forever, she should quit/start looking for another job, btw do you know if they met in person, anyone who enabled/encouraged the A should go too.
2) Complete written timeline of the A followed by a polygraph test, one of the first questions should be "are you still in love with OM?" and "are you in love with me?".
3) Full exposure, nothing kills an A faster than full exposure (you noticed the effectiveness of it after you contacted OBS), but full exposure should include at least close relatives (both sets of parents if alive, children in an age appropriate way, close relatives and best friends), also exposure could help with remorse, which is essential to a successful R.
4) Full access to all electronic devices and passwords (done) and GPS location via her cellphone FOREVER.
5) Demand she gets tested for STDs/STIs (you should too), remember she's now a proven cheater and liar,cheaters lie a lot, and they could have met or this may not be her first rodeo.
6) She needs IC to find out her "whys", forget MC for now.
7) No GNOs or corporate parties without your presence.
8) Contact a D attorney to know your options, while there ask about an enforceable postnup (no alimony, she doesn't touch your retirement/pension, etc.) in case you later decide this was/is a dealbraker for you or if she cheats again in the future.

If after her huge betrayal she refuses any of the above, then just file for D and get out of infidelity, life's too short and you deserve better than an unrepentant cheater and liar.

posts: 2692   路   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8765038
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waitedwaytoolong ( member #51519) posted at 1:12 AM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

I don't view forgiveness as something that is earned, it is my decision to forgive you or not, regardless of what you did. Forgiving the other person relieves them of their burden, but also my own burden holding onto the resentment and the hate. But my worry is there because my WS has mistaken compassion for weakness in the past.

You are correct that it is your decision, and yours alone on the whether to forgive or not. Where this falls apart for me is that the forgiveness is just not something that needs to be earned. Your spouse has lied about the emotional part, had sex at least one time with this guy and probably more, hasn鈥檛 been able to commit to you, and yet you have already without her doing much of anything is getting blanket forgiveness.

She has sublimated you into a weak position and you are doing nothing to get out of the situation. I鈥檓 not saying you can鈥檛 get through this, but she obviously has very little respect for you. Giving her a full pardon isn鈥檛 the way to do this. Forgiveness sure. But down the road when she deserves is after some hard work.

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician

Divorced

posts: 1932   路   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8765050
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 1:23 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

Lots of great advice for you here. I'll sum up one thread of it by saying 1) slow down your giving, stop being the only one trying to heal the marriage. You are doing the pick me dance and it isn't the smart or effective play 2) invest in yourself instead. Work out aggressively. Rekindle your hobbies. Rekindle time with your friends. Really take care of yourself. And feel free to make that very noticeable to her.

A confident, independent you will be more attractive to her. It's not the primary reason you do it but it is a side benefit if you hope to R.

I appreciate her honesty about how she is feeling but it is also cruel. Don't go out of your way to cater to her while she is still twisting the knife in you.

posts: 698   路   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   路   location: US
id 8765087
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HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 4:10 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

No.

BW x2
Recovering
2020

posts: 442   路   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8765110
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:04 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

HardKnocks.

You got right to the point. 馃槀

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12794   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8765122
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 8:11 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

She has Best of Both Worlds syndrome. And likes it.

HardKnocks said it best.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello鈥揗y name is Chaos鈥揧ou f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3575   路   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   路   location: East coast
id 8765144
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