Newest Member: BallofAnxiety

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Should I wait for my WS to sort out their feelings?

My WS had denied the affair all the way until I finally confronted her with evidence. She finally admitted it and was on the fence for awhile. She trickle truthed me and said she had ended things but offered me no proof. I tracked down and contacted the AP's spouse and told her about the affair I've discovered. Right after that, my WS said she came to her senses, that what she did was stupid, and we sent the No Contact message together. I set boundaries about no more lies, no more contact, and counselling, and she has kept it. DDay was only 2 weeks ago, so all this happened rather quickly. I worried if it was too quick.

I think she is still in the fog, and she says she is worried about why she hesitated to choose me immediately. She said she needs time to process this. At this moment she still feels very distant, her apologies don't sound sincere and lack any action to rectify, and I feel kind of alone. On one hand, I think she is sorting out her feelings because she's in the fog, and she says she wants to do that before committing to reconcile because it has to be a genuine decision on her part. On the other hand, I'm caught in this limbo where my recovery is on pause while I wait for her. I don't know how long I should wait, or even if I should wait. While I wait for her, I find myself caring for her and I feel alone and disappointed as she is distant. I struggle to wait for her without caring.

I found I was able to forgive her and let go of the grudges that were causing me hell fairly quickly. I see some people struggle with it for years, but now I'm afraid if this is a red flag.

35 comments posted: Sunday, November 13th, 2022

Just found out, will counselling help a narcissistic WS with remorse?

Wife and I had been married 9 years, together for 11, have 1 kid together. She asked for separation, as she said she no longer loved me anymore and I agreed to it. During separation, she was not open to counselling, and it looked like divorce was on the table. There were some strange events that alerted me that she may be cheating on me, and I confronted her about it, but she denied it each time. We had a prior agreement that until we decided on divorce, we wouldn't see other people. A few days ago, I uncovered indisputable evidence that she was cheating, and I confronted her about it. She still denied everything and lied until I pulled out the evidence. She finally admitted to cheating.

We had a long talk about it, but what saddened me the most was that even after getting caught, she was still lying to me. She covered up and hid parts of the story, as her explanation had inconsistencies. Her story changes when I discuss the inconsistencies, for example from meeting someone new for something purely physical, to meeting someone she has known for awhile and it is emotional. The length of the A also changes, from something that happened twice, to new evidence that it predated that. She said sorry but also shifted the blame of why she cheated to her being unhappy in the marriage, my past failures etc. The only silver lining is that she has now agreed to go to counselling.

For context, my WS is on the narcissistic spectrum and I am more of an empath. She is unable to recognize when she is at fault, and generally lacks empathy. This made me think that she is not remorseful for her actions, as she may not realize she may be in the wrong in the first place. I'm trying to figure out if there is any chance I should take her back. I don't know if counselling will help her to realize her actions and have any shot of making her remorseful, but I fear that it is slim at best. I am not sure if she is really a narcissist or because she is an ESTJ, but I'm wondering if the counselling is even worth it, or if we should skip it and head to divorce.

29 comments posted: Friday, November 4th, 2022

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