1. How come she didn't know you were getting tested? You got some pretty good advice here on how to broach the topic, you even wrote you will bring it up. You withheld that information from her. Withholding information is lying by omission.
In addition, from your posts:
(October 24th) since I'm letting her know where I'm at at all times I thought showing up on life 360 at a clinic getting tested at this point would be a "I expect we'll be having sex soon" message I don't want to send.
(December 1st) She didn't know I was getting tested (did a mail in "letgetcheckedcom" test kit)
Take a minute to think about what you did here. Not only that you hid things, but you also took an extra step to make sure you don’t get caught. You found a way to avoid getting caught. EDIT (better to say): You found a way to make it happen without her knowing. You did that only to protect yourself.
This is still pretty much a wayward way of thinking that has to stop if you are serious about reconciliation.
2. You have to tell her now. 100% honesty and transparency are a prerequisite for a successful reconciliation. That should be your motivation. However, if you want selfish motivation, let me tell you why it is in your best interest to tell her now. This is what might happen if you withhold this information, and she finds out:
(side note: never assume she will not find out – that is a dangerous thought to have, the one that likely enabled you to cheat in the first place)
-she might think you’re cheating again
-she might think you caught a disease / had symptoms, and hid that from her
-she might think you lied about some aspects of the affair that increase the risk of STDs/STIs (multiple partners, no protection…)
-she might think there’s something else going on (do not underestimate the creativity of the betrayed spouse’s mind).
If she finds out, you might think you have perfectly good and rational reasons for not telling her about the test, and she will understand. The truth is: we don’t give a f*** about your "explanations" at that moment. The only thing we know is that you lied to us / hid things from us. Again.
If she doesn’t find out, and you wait to tell her until you "reconcile and intimacy is a possibility", she might wonder why you didn’t tell her in the first place. And you’ll be in the same problem, except that the reconciliation progress might be reset to zero.
So, you see, being honest is the best thing you can do now.
EDIT 2: Just to be clear: I understand your dilemma. I realize there’s a risk she might take it the wrong way, as if you want intimacy soon. I realize she might get pissed at you. However, think about it this way:
1. You don’t know what exactly is going on in her head. It has been only 5 months since DDay, and it is likely she’s not ready to be vulnerable with you. Who knows, maybe she’ll get pissed at you, but in her head, she will be glad because she’ll think that you still want her. Just too proud / scared / hurt to admit that. Stop thinking for her; focus on improving your communication skills and work towards becoming a safe partner.
2. Even if she gets pissed and she means it, isn’t that a lesser evil than the problems you might cause if you don’t tell her now? Reconciliation is a marathon, not a sprint. Long-term thinking is your ally.
[This message edited by Hannah47 at 1:06 PM, Thursday, December 1st]