Living as housemate? (but no R)
Has anyone tried the arrangement of living as housemate with no R?
BS insisted on absolutely no R since Dday, but wanted to continue sharing the property as "housemate" for other reasons. I've done every possible thing I possibly could for 2 years with the help from IC to try to save my marriage but BS would not budge, so I came to accept and respect BS decision for not wanting R; however I'm having difficult time with this "housemate" arrangement as BS still often berated at me with intense rage from triggers.
Has anyone else had the same experience and can share some suggestions/advices?
21 comments posted: Monday, July 18th, 2022
Someone indicated that the rule for private messages is that newbies cannot send PM until having at least 50 posts. I have 50 posts but still not able to send a private message. Is there another rule in addition to having 50 posts?
5 comments posted: Friday, July 15th, 2022
PM rule is ludicrous
The rule that requires minimum 50 posts before new member can PM someone is ludicrous.
What's the reason? I understand the need to weed out trolls, but 50? I think 20 would be much more than sufficient.
4 comments posted: Friday, June 17th, 2022
Summary of my situation: 24 yrs married, DDay was in May. My BS discovered my cheating (20 months seeing a prostitute about once a month), BS immediately demanded a divorce, but later changed her mind, we're doing the separation in the same house for kids sake.
For the last 6 months, I've been in IC and trying to do everything I possibly can hoping she'll change her mind and agree to R.
From time to time, she occasionally told me that even though she noticed all my effort, but I should just give up because it's no use. "In her book once the vow has been broken, the marriage is over, period! No exception".
I respected what she said but I'm not giving up, I still love her very much so I'm still hoping for R one day down the road. And I believe that even if we're not R, at least IC will help making me a better man.
Here's where I have an issue with IC:
- Initially I asked my BS to join me in MC, but insisted that she doesn't want R and therefore she doesn't want or need counseling. So I started IC just for me.
- Even though my BS said our marriage is over, but every few weeks she wanted me to tell her what were said in my IC sessions. Initially I told her that it's kind of private, she got angry and told me I was trying to hide something. I didn't want upset her so I told her everything about the sessions.
After about 2 months with each Therapist, my BS found something she didn't like about the Therapist's assessment, she said Therapist was too bias on my side so I need to dump them and see a new Therapist.
- I've done it twice now to make her happy, I'm on my 3rd Therapist and my BS just asked me to change again because she didn't like something my Therapist said in the last session.
- I'm conflicted, it's difficult to get restart every time, also a huge waste of time & money as well because it takes at least a couple of sessions for the Therapist to get the full picture. I find this 3rd Therapist very insightful so far, she has years of experience dealing with infidelity, her questions and comments throughout all the sessions clearly demonstrated how well she understands the situation, on both sides BS & WS.
- I suggested to my BS to join me in the next session so she can tell the Therapist why she didn't like what was said so that the Therapist can discuss with her, instead of me changing to another one.
- My BS refused to participate, her response: you're the one who screwed up and need help, I didn't. I told her I agreed, but if she doesn't agree with my Therapist's statement, she should discuss it rather than asking me to change Therapist again, but she refused to talk to Therapist.
I'm so conflicted, it's difficult to find a good Therapist, so I really hesitate to change again. But if I don't change, my BS probably will upset with me.
Damn if I do and Damn if I don't.
7 comments posted: Saturday, November 21st, 2020
Hopefully I'm on the right track...
Sometimes I feel like a blind man trying to cross a busy 10-lane freeway, not sure which way to go, not sure if I should stop walk or run... I can't even see what's in front of me so feeling like I will never be able to get to the other side...
I'm going to try to be brief with the introduction: I'm a WS, been with my wife for 30+ years (generally a happy marriage, financially stable), children are practically young adults. Dday was 3.5 months ago. It was not an affair, I saw a prostitute for about 2 years, no emotional connection.
I've been doing the following since Dday:
- Bought and read several books about Infidelity recovery.
- Listened to a lot of online materials (Samuel from Affair Recovery, Esther Perel, Hasani from Couples Academy, etc.), still listening to all those youtube videos everyday, some clips several times.
- Been in IC for over 2 months (still am)
- I was transparent about it, told my wife everything (answering all her questions even though I knew some of questions were more damaging than helping, more on that later)
- About a month after DDay (after doing a lot of research including the thread "Things that every WS needs to know" in this forum), I finally understood that I had to "own it", I stopped blaming (things that drove me to it like porn addiction, midlife crisis, etc.) and accepted/admitted that I selfishly made the bad choice to satisfy my own desire. I've been haunted with the remorse of my unfaithful action that caused the trauma for my wife and I'm hoping on the right track to help easing the pain.
- I've changed all my routines, just work and be there for her. I've been taking over all tasks and chores around the home so she doesn't need to lift a finger as I know she's drained of all energy. I've quit all my activities (hobbies, sports, etc.) so I can devote my time to be there for my wife, helping her to deal with this trauma.
- I've been trying to be extremely patience with all her outburst episodes (even when she gets a bit physical, frequently). I constantly apologize to her for all the pain that I caused her.
I understand that it's going to take a long, long time (years) for things to get even a little bit better, and probably much longer in our case because my wife refuses to get any kind of help (IC, couple therapy, etc.) she just wants to soak it in and deal with it herself (not talking to anyone). It's her choice and I can't do much about it (I made suggestions a couple of times about seeing therapy together and the suggestions triggered her to explode with anger both times).
I know it would be extremely selfish of me to wish for things to get better soon, and I'm not expecting that. It just feel a bit exhausting because despite all my effort I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, and I feel more like we're going backward, getting worse everyday, not better.
I think I know what I need to continue doing (confirmed by couselor in IC). But I also need to constantly reminding myself of being patience, it's a mess I created so I deserve to live in hell to pay for it.
I just want to vent a little because from time to time I feel so lost, so alone, and so exhausting... Vent over, back to work...
Thanks for reading
22 comments posted: Thursday, September 3rd, 2020