Thank you both so much for your responses - sorry not used to the format of this board - here are my responses below t0 both of your thankful comments:
Get tested for stds.
- haven't done that yet, read that somewhere else, since I'm letting her know where I'm at at all times I thought showing up on life 360 at a clinic getting tested at this point would be a "I expect we'll be having sex soon" message I don't want to send.
Answer all of her questions without anger or defensiveness.
- done, wish she asked more, but she knows everything about affair (all emails and texts)
Get into IC to figure out why you did this, and to become safer.
- will do, was thinking about it
Drop any friends who knew of the affair.
Write a NC email to OW,and have your wife approve of it,then send it.
- broke off immediately, only knew OW for 3 weeks prior to dday, "only" had sex twice, I'm pretty confident she knows I broke it off, so not sure if this would unintentionally open an old wound?
Block OW on everything.
Complete transparency. She gets full access to everything, all accounts, including the phone. Passwords included.
If OW is a coworker, find another job.
- not a co-workder
Call the other woman's husband, and inform him of the affair.
- not sure on this one, may create some trouble that would impact healing...would anyone else be able to weigh in on this one?
Offer to take a polygraph.
- will do
Stop MC. The marriage didn't cheat, you did.
- 1st session was productive so we'll do at least one more - if not done
And anything else she needs to feel safer.
NOT talking about the affair, means you are rugsweeping. It won't work.
- I regularly offer to talk to her; she politely refuses
Four months is reasonable. She doesn't trust you. Expecting her to be vulnerable with you right now is expecting too much. If you can't deal with that, be kind,and file for divorce.
- I can totally deal with no physical contact for years, just wondering if no hand-holding is a major concern at 4 months.
I’m nine years out now and my WH’s affair has completely screwed up my ability to have sex with him.
- I'm very sorry to hear that
If four months is getting to be a problem for you, you should request a divorce. It would be kind for her.
- no problem for me, just wondering if no hugs or hand holding is a problem...everything I have read so far is that is what WS should be doing.
Ask her what she wants. Ask her if she wants you to stop with the I love yous. But frankly, I still internally roll my eyes 90% of the time I hear it and say it.
- will do, great advice
I think maybe reality has not hit you yet.
- I think you are 100% correct - thank you so so much!
[This message edited by cheatinghusband319 at 11:28 PM, Monday, October 24th]