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Hi thanks so much for the advice on my first post. Things are really tough and I’m so sad. My husband is being really cruel and then really nice. I’m feeling so low. After 22 years I’m cracking up. My question is - is it better to leave on a day when he’s being reasonable or a day when he’s calling me every name under the sun. I’ve 2 children at home aged 10 and the elder has a full time job. Advice please x

I’m so sorry you are suffering this abuse.

If you are serious about leaving – – you need a plan.

I suggest meeting with a divorce attorney to understand your rights.

I then suggest getting your financial house in order. You should have your own bank account (not a joint bank account) that your husband has no access to.

Get copies of his many financial statements as you can including retirement accounts, mortgage accounts, investment accounts etc.

If you were planning to leave, do you need a place to go. Thar may take some planning as well.

If you prepare an exit strategy you have time to get things in Oder. And it may make for a smoother transition.

But that is only if you can wait. If you need to leave immediately then you need to see a D attorney to learn your rights.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:43 AM, Tuesday, September 27th]

Like The1stWife...I came up with an exit strategy. I was a SAHW...so I got a checking account in my name only...with enough money to see me through until I could find a job and get on my feet. I also bought a newer vehicle...and got a credit card in my name only. I handled all of our finances so I already had access to all of them.

Once I had a PLAN in place in case I needed to leave...I was then able to work on what was needed in order for ME to consider R. It was a very FREEING experience to KNOW that I could leave at ANY time. Knowledge is POWER !! My H knew what I had done. He told me that there was NO WAY he was ever going to betray me again...and he said if it helped me to feel better then he was all for it .

To ME...when YOU are ready to leave...that will be the PERFECT time.

You need legal advice in order to formulate a plan. In some states, if you leave the marital domicile, it can be considered abandonment and that would weigh against you in any legal situation. So you need to figure out things BEFORE you take action. I would talk to an attorney--possibly more than one.

Cat

Take the above advice. Get a plan, talk quietly to a lawyer, and stash some money aside that he can’t touch. Then you’ll be ok when you do.

Silverdollars - there are so many variables, without knowing your situation it's impossible to answer.

As everyone else has said, make a plan. To the extent that you have a plan in place (meaning you have a place to go and money to go with and/or someone to help you), leave on the day that makes the most sense. If your plan requires you sneaking out of the house because you fear physical abuse, then do so on a day when he is not home. If your plan requires your taking all of your stuff and leaving in one fell swoop because your WS's reaction will likely be to freak out, leave on a day when someone can help you get you and your things out quickly. If your plan is to try to work out a decent agreement before you leave, I would say to do so when tempers are calm.

Silverdollar

You in the UK?
Use the fantastic resources available to you.
The UK has some excellent domestic abuse hotlines and centers. We tend to think of these places as somewhere physically battered women flee to but it’s so much more. They also help with emotionally subdued or abused women and offer guidance to the process and options of escaping abusive relationships. Sadly – based on my experience working with abuse centers (not UK) – instances like yours are a dime a dozen.

If nothing else a person with knowledge and experience can guide you on your rights, the next steps and what to do. Its highly likely they can offer pro-bono legal advice. They can inform you of your rights, suggest a confrontation plan and so on and so on.

If that’s not appealing or possible… Do you have a friend or relative that could be with you during the confrontation? Your husband is less likely to be abusive if there is someone in the corner witnessing whats going on.

Unless you or your child are in physical danger, I don't advise just waiting for an arbitrary day when the mood strikes you to leave. If you've made the decision to leave, then the best thing is start taking actionable steps to get your 'ducks in a row' as they say.

I know it's hard because that can feel like the slow pull of the band-aid...and at times it's going to be hard and painful and maybe you just want to slap the band-aid back on and stop the hard work. But just keep putting one foot in front of the other, reminding yourself WHY you're moving on. His "good days" aren't real and usually just manipulation to keep you around.

As others have said, consult with a lawyer. You have a young child and you don't want to do anything that could cause problems for you down the line. My biggest fear was leaving with my child, and WH being able to say I kidnapped her or kept him from her.

It won't be the dramatic leaving his butt in the heat of the moment, but once all is said and done you'll be very happy you went about it methodically and legally.

It's hard to know you WH's temperament and how he will respond to you leaving. Even if he's having a reasonable day, he's likely to turn sour when you announce you're going. These kinds of people flip from calm to crazed pretty quickly.

If I were you, I would leave on a day he's not home at all. As the others have said, get your legal, financial and logistical ducks in a row and then slip away when he's off at work or something. You can send him a message.

Leaving is hard, particularly with kids, so the more you can strategize before hand the better. I personally wouldn't want to subject the kids to his wrath when you tell him. Leaving is the most dangerous time in a relationship for women.

I agree with everyone recommendations.

If you have any sentimental items, things from your family, pictures....Things like that, get them now in a box to grab.
You may never see those items again.

Jewelry and maybe anything of value that you can pawn if need be.

I think my exit plan would be a 10 day vacation out of country or at least 100's of miles away. I would plan activities to keep me busy and my phone off so I could decompress.

Wondering if 10 y/o could spend a week at grandparents house for a visit as you get out?

I think you must see a lawyer secretly before you even think about leaving your children and home. My atty told me to not leave my children, bc how could I ever say ws was abusive to us it I would let my children stay with an abuser.

I live in US, here’s how it worked for me:

*Secretly went to 3 different attorneys.

*Chose 1, a relative paid the $1,500 fee.

*The attorney filed a court document requesting during our separation the children and I were granted exclusive use of the home and he had to pay the payment, plus child support to me.

We had a hearing and the judge agreed.

* I had help from many agencies to pay bills, I worked part time until we got our final D hearing.

( Interesting but here they set up a court date for the final hearing. The attorneys try very hard to work out all the details without having a full on court trial.)

* Went to the final hearing and was granted a D, custody of my sons, xh had to pay medical and child support. I also got 1/2 of his retirement accounts. I got the house and all the equity built up, but I had to make all future payments.

***I told my sons our home is our safe place. I’m very, very happy I divorced my now xh. I can think more clearly and my sons got to live in a peaceful place once xh was gone.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:44 AM, Friday, October 7th]