Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Stark

Just Found Out :
Married for 13 years, together for 17. It's over but I'm still angry

default

 PestoDiPapi (original poster new member #80918) posted at 3:41 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

Hi reader,

I'm new here and I think I'm here to vent, and maybe seek a medium to talk to people who have experienced the same. Someone on reddit told me this was a good place to talk. Side note, I'm from the Netherlands, you will likely to see some errors in my grammar and use of words, now you know why.

Just call me Pesto, I don't need my soon to be ex partner reading my stuff so I'll keep my name private if thats ok. I'm now 41 years old. When I was around 25, I broke with my group of friends because they started to use drugs heavily, and I didn't want to be part of that. I moved away and not long after I met my wife at my previous job. She started as an intern, and the moment I saw her, I fell in love. And so did she. It wasn't long before we started dating and getting into a relationship. It was great. I had girlfriends before, but never had I connected so much with someone like her.

We were happy, we married, bought an appartment together, had 2 kids. Life was great. What you should now, is that because of my wifes job, she worked a lot of evening and nightsshift and when the kids were born, these increased a lot. This way, I could take care of the kids in the evenings and weekends, and she'd be there during daytime when I was working. We had decided this together and we both could work with that. But there was this little issue, of us being apart from eachother a lot. She had her free time when the kids went to school, but in my free time, I always had to be home for the kids, resulting in no way to meet new people, new friends, as I still didn't have friends after moving away from the old group. In the meantime, she was making lots of colleague friends, male and female, and she had time to hang out with them, when the kids were at school.

Fast forward to about 1,5 years ago. We have been married for a decent amount of time. Purchased a new home we could grow old in a few years prior, 2 lovely kids, daughter and son. My wife met a new male colleague friend and started hanging out with him. At the start of that new friendship, she had an evening off, so did I, but she said she was going to get some coffee with. And I have always let her have her freedom. Never thought anything off her friendships. But this guy, just felt there was something wrong. It must have been a good coffee that had to be freshly brewed, because she didn't come home till pretty late in the evening. I had felt it in my stomach. Something was wrong. When she came home, I asked her, did you cheat with him. She was very calm and tried to assure me that she would never cheat on me, she loved me and wanted to grow old with me, we had kids, a house, she would never do anything like that. And somehow, I believed her. I had nothing but my gut feeling. And she told me he had a girlfriend, so I had nothing to worry about. I'm just seeing things.

From then on, she didn't go to his house anymore, but invited him over our place. We played boardgames together, had meals together. He often watched our kids when I had an appointment with my wife. The longer time went on, the more often he was here. Because of Corona, our job changed to 'work from home' only. We have a pool in our backyard, I would come downstairs from my home office and see him laying on my sunbed in his swimmingtrunks, my wife next to him in her bikini, the kids playing in the pool.
My wife didn't want to have sex with me anymore, blamed my stamina, blamed her headaches, said she was tired. But she did started shaving her private area all the time, which before she did only every now and then. When she came back from working longer than normal (overtime she said), she first went to shower. Or went to shower before work, but wear her matching underwear under her uniform when she had to start 'early'.
I burried my head in the sand for 1,5 years, while that guy was working his way into our family.
Until a bit over 3 weeks ago, my grandmother had died and the day of the funeral, he was watching our kids. My family asked if we wanted to stay over drinks and dinner after the funeral, but my wife wanted to rush home. When we got home, she started drinking, and so did he. I had maybe 2 drinks in total that day, because I wanted to stay sober. When the kids went to bed, we went to sit in the backyard. At some point he asked my wife 'lets go in the pool'. So my wife gets in her bikini, gets in the pool, and he said, 'I don't have my swimmingtrunks with me' and went in the pool naked.

This is when I woke up out of my 1,5 year emotional coma. And suddenly realised everything I had been blocking.
I said, "Its time to go to bed". After which he asks "Is this my cue to fuck off?" to which I responded, "Oh, should I fuck off instead so you can have alone time with my wife?"

He left, my wife acted all surprised. I told her to go to bed, she was drunk, and we'd have a talk tomorrow. The day after is when I told her I want a divorce. She cried, I cried. I cried like never before. For the first time, I talked to my sisters, my brother and father about how the last 1,5 years have been for me, and all the things that had happened. I cried so many tears, I feel dried out.

There have been much more red flags than I have mentioned here, but everyone I have told my story to (my family, because they are all I have), are certain she cheated. Just today she said she was going to visit a female friend. But somewhere during her visit at her 'female friend', I receive an email from the motorgear shop that they have exchanged a male motorcycle pants using my company discount. So she's been spending the entire day with him, lying to me that she is with a female friend. Ofcourse she didn't realise that every time my company discount is used, I receive an email.

Well, we've been arranging everything with a mediator as soon as I could get in touch with the one I wanted. I'm in the process of arranging everything that needs to be arranged. Selling the house, finding a new place. Making sure we get 50/50 coparenting. And for the first time in a long time, probably even longer than the 1,5 years she has been cheating, I see a future for myself that contains more happeniness and love (besides the love I receive from my kids ofcourse).

If you've gotten this far in my story, thanks for reading :D

"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams

posts: 19   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8755038
default

Greto ( new member #80904) posted at 3:58 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

I'm so sorry to hear your story. I am glad to hear you see the light at the end of the tunnel which many of us struggle with for years.

I wish you the best. It is always the hardest to ask the questions and get told lies.

posts: 18   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2022
id 8755043
default

Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 4:19 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

Sorry you are here, you'll get a lot of good guidance.

Did she admit to the affair? Is she accepting divorce readily and is she being cooperative about it?

posts: 650   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8755048
default

lrpprl ( new member #80538) posted at 5:12 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

That is tough!!! Sorry you are having to experience this.

You will receive a lot of good advice here. Some might be tough to hear. The saying here is to take what you need and leave the rest.

Take care and good luck.

posts: 22   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8755054
default

 PestoDiPapi (original poster new member #80918) posted at 5:13 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

She's not admitting she had an affair. I think she is scared I'll tell the children and that they might resent her because of it. I told her I wont tell the kids, but she's insisting she didn't cheat on me. She spend more time with him than with me enjoying the fun stuff in life. I already warned her about this when this all started. Even if she didn't physically cheat (which I'm sure she did), she emotionally cheated out in the open. I feel like a cuck watching all this back.

Whatever happens or happened, I'm not going to hurt the kids more than this is already hurting them. They are very understanding for kids their age.
She is very cooperative with the divorce, agreeing to whatever our mediator says is the norm. For some reason, I don't even have to pay partner-alimony, which I totally expected I had to. So the divorce is going well so far. Hope we can continue this, I have to remain friendly through all of this, while I would love to scream, yell, shout whatever is in my head, I wont. I'll probably be hurt for some time, but it's worth it. I know I'm worth it.

"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams

posts: 19   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8755055
default

Troutman523 ( member #80426) posted at 5:19 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

Sorry you are here as well. This is a really brazen one right under your nose. You’re going to ride a serious rollercoaster of emotions in the coming months.

Do your best to sleep well (I still don’t…) eat right and exercise. Get therapy if you feel it will help and see your doctor if you need help with medications for sleep, anxiety or depression. Most importantly, find yourself a small group of trusted confidants that you can lean on for advice or just to talk it out. You’re really going to need and appreciate them.

Hang in there man, We all know what you are going through.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 8:15 PM, Tuesday, September 13th]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8755057
default

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 6:12 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

Sorry you are going through this. It hurts that she could do this right in front of your face, dragging her AP into your home and friend circle. It could even be argued to be a double betrayal if you would have otherwise considered AP a mutual friend.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2121   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8755071
default

WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 6:14 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

I don't have anything to add as far as advice, except to say that I really applaud your decisiveness to get yourself out of infidelity. Too many of us dithered, you made your decision and stuck with it. Here is to getting your D resolved quickly!

posts: 420   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8755073
default

 PestoDiPapi (original poster new member #80918) posted at 6:34 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

Thanks for the nice replies :D I really appreciate it!

"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams

posts: 19   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8755081
default

DictumVeritas ( member #74087) posted at 6:54 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

I applaud a man who has self-respect and won't tolerate infidelity of any kind. Bravo, I see hope for mankind again.

You put me to shame as my line is and always had been a PA, yours seems to be a no-tolerance stance and I respect your conviction.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 6:56 PM, Tuesday, September 13th]

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 278   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
id 8755086
default

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:05 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

She cheated. She knows she cheated. Whether she admits to physically she knows this other guy was her top priority. Not you.

She is lying by omission. That’s a fact.

I’m sorry you had to find this out the way you did. But her affair has been ongoing and if she won’t admit it as the first step, you cannot reconcile and get to a place where you can repair the damage if she don’t be honest.

As you said, red flags 🚩 🚩 for years. You just ignored them hoping it would not be true.

I’m sorry she’s a coward as well. She’s more interested in protecting herself than being honest.

You ar least know what you are dealing with. 😢

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12542   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8755088
default

Michigan ( member #58005) posted at 7:49 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

1. I think she is scared I'll tell the children and that they might resent her because of it.

2. She is very cooperative with the divorce, agreeing to whatever our mediator says is the norm. For some reason, I don't even have to pay partner-alimony, which I totally expected I had to. So the divorce is going well so far.

Number 2 is due to number 1

I have to remain friendly through all of this, while I would love to scream, yell, shout whatever is in my head, I wont. I'll probably be hurt for some time, but it's worth it. I know I'm worth it.

It is very smart to do what you are currently doing. Do not be afraid to ask for more in the divorce. After the divorce is final you can do whatever you want. Your wife is going to move in the other man as soon as she can. You have your reasons for not telling your kids but I would tell everyone else about the affair and name the other man. That way when they move in together the affair will be confirmed in everyone's even if she does not admit it.


I receive an email from the motorgear shop that they have exchanged a male motorcycle pants using my company discount. So she's been spending the entire day with him, lying to me that she is with a female friend. Ofcourse she didn't realise that every time my company discount is used, I receive an email.

You may change your mind about telling your kids when they are older. Keep all evidence of their affair in a safe place.

[This message edited by Michigan at 8:01 PM, Tuesday, September 13th]

posts: 585   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2017   ·   location: Michigan
id 8755096
default

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 4:45 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

Pesto, he is a predator. A woman was on here a couple of years ago who had the same thing happen to her. The predator(a woman) lived next door and started an affair with the husband. They were brazen enough to have a quickie in one room while she was dressing in the next room. She stumbled on what was going on by an old iPad. She could watch in real time, what they planned. It put her in the hospital. We were all outraged for her.

This is to say good for you for moving on. It will lessen the stress immediately. I don’t see a good outcome for those two.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3500   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8755183
default

Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 6:02 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

Brother so sorry for the shit show. Cheaters lie, they lie a lot to minimise their actions.
As per the learned staff from here. STD checks, she cheated a lot. Finances need to be in order and take care of the children they should be both of your priorities.
Unfortunately she was in a sexual relationship with this POS. Normally a non cheating spouse wouldn’t be so content to D without a plan. If things get rough then dig, dig and dig to get the cheating truth. Presently she believes you are believing her ‘We are just friends’ crap.
One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1239   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8755187
default

Helena67 ( new member #80506) posted at 6:36 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

Pesto, I’m so sorry for you. I’m from The Netherlands too! My husband has left me for his lover. So I know how much pain you are in. Stay strong. As I try every day.

BS (me) 55 years; WS 54 years.
24 years married.
D day 6-2-2022.
Divorcing.

I’m healing and I’m growing

posts: 32   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8755191
default

 PestoDiPapi (original poster new member #80918) posted at 8:08 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

yours seems to be a no-tolerance stance and I respect your conviction.

Before we got married, I made sure she was aware of this no-tolerance stance. We discussed that infidelity was immidiate grounds for divorce.

Your wife is going to move in the other man as soon as she can.

She told me today that our financial advisor said she had possibilities to keep living in the house we both own at the moment. The house has increased a lot in value, which means she will have to buy the house from us, and pay me half of the over-value. Because she doesn't earn enough, I would have to donate 13.5k to her as a gift, but there would be an unregistered loan contract. Because as soon as that loan contract comes out, she will have commited fraud in getting the mortgage.
So I'm understanding here, that she is so willing to keep living in our house, that she is willing to commit fraud for it. Now this kind of fraud isn't like the 'possibile jail time fraud', but if it would come out, she'd have to pay a fine of 90k, lose her job (she is a police officer) and lose the house.

I told her I'm open to the option. But I'd want to have witnesses present for such a contract to be signed, which she is totally ok with. I think it's weird that she is open to give such a power to me.

To get back to your comment. She doesn't want to move in with the other man, as she wants to keep living here, but I'm sure she realises that if he was going to live in my house, I have a contract that could ruin her.

I did ask her that if I agree to this, I want to see the expenses she expects to have, just to make sure that the kids will have enough to live on, because I have always been paying the mortgage, energy and all the other monthly costs, while her income was used to pay for groceries, clothes, day-care for the kids (2 afternoons a week) and fun stuff. I'm not sure she can cover all the costs by herself. She said "sure, I think it's weird because I'm not asking you for this" to which I responded "I know, but you aren't getting a montly payment from me, I'm getting a montly payment from you, and I want to see before I agree to this what you can spend without leaving enough money for the kids".

You may change your mind about telling your kids when they are older.

That is very much a possibility. I have also told her that if she tells me the truth, I wont tell the kids. She should have read between the lines that this means that if I find out later that she lied, I will tell them the truth. But currently, the kids are 7 and 9 years old, and they need their mom as much as they need their dad. She is a bad wife, but a good mother. I don't want them to resent her because of this. Ofcourse, that would satisfy my anger, but the kids would be worse off. So if I ever tell them, it won't be before they are like 16+ years of age.

Pesto, he is a predator.

This is the same conclusion I had when I woke up out of my emotional coma. I totally see he is and I will tell you why.
Like I said in my original post, he said to my wife he had a girlfriend. So about 8 months ago, there was a situation between him and his girlfriend, and this is what my wife told me:
He (the other guy) hadn't seen his girlfriend for months. This girlfriend had a 4 year old son, but wasn't with her ex-husband anymore. He was going to live with her and with the 4 year old. But as some point, the woman kept cancelling meetings with him. And they hadn't seen eachother for like 6 months. When he finally couldn't handle their time apart anymore, he went to her house. Apparantly, she was still living with her husband, he was never an ex-husband, and she was 6 months pregnant, from her husband. So when he got to their house, she told him it was over, and she was still with her husband. He told my wife he was unknowing having a relation with a woman who was still married, and she lied everytime they were together.

Now either the guy and my wife made up that story, just to spent time together, or, and I think this is more likely, he has always known he was the other guy, tried to break up that family and get himself in there, failed in his attempt to break up that marriage, and found a new marriage to break up and take over the family in my home.

So I'm thinking my wife is a victim of this guys predatory behaviour. But in all honesty, the fact that she let him and lied to me about so many things, I think she deserves him. If they end up together, it's not going to last. Because he is a predator and she is a cheater. They deserve eachother and they deserve the fall-out of whatever is going to come from it. I have decided I am not going to warn her.

As per the learned staff from here. STD checks, she cheated a lot

I haven't had sex with her from the moment he came into our lives. I also saw someone posting I should do a dna check to see if I'm the father. I'm 100% sure I'm the father. My kids both look like me, my son is almost a complete duplicate of me at that age. Both in looks and in intelligence (he is highly gifted and has an IQ of 130+ and slightly autistic, like me).


Stay strong

Thank you so much!

"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams

posts: 19   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8755194
default

Helena67 ( new member #80506) posted at 8:25 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

I love the quote from Robin Williams!

BS (me) 55 years; WS 54 years.
24 years married.
D day 6-2-2022.
Divorcing.

I’m healing and I’m growing

posts: 32   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8755195
default

Numis67 ( member #57209) posted at 9:00 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

Pesto,

I'm sure sorry you find yourself here, but know you are warmly welcomed.

I am impressed by your integrity and intolerance for infidelity. If only I had been as strong as you when I dealt with the activities of my XWW.

Good luck to you, sir!

Infidelity is not simply a mistake. It is a series of decisions made for selfish reasons at the expense of a significant other.

posts: 92   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2017   ·   location: Missouri
id 8755196
default

 PestoDiPapi (original poster new member #80918) posted at 9:42 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

I love the quote from Robin Williams!


Thanks, it helped me a lot in my decision.

I'm sure sorry you find yourself here, but know you are warmly welcomed.

I am impressed by your integrity and intolerance for infidelity. If only I had been as strong as you when I dealt with the activities of my XWW.

Good luck to you, sir!

Thanks. I feel welcome here. It's sad that it's under these circumstances, nobody should have to go through this. But I really appreciate the warm welcome and comments.

"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams

posts: 19   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8755197
default

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 9:48 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

Pesto

Whether she admits to this being an affair or not isn’t really the issue moving on.
This isn’t a court of law where you need irrefutable beyond doubt proof of guilt. All that is needed is that YOU are convinced.
Based on what you share nobody here can 100% tell you that they are cheating. Anybody that does so is assuming a whole lot.
But… I venture that nearly all – if not everyone – that reads your story thinks she is cheating. You have so many red flags and indicators that it’s the logical deduction.
You mention she’s a cop, as I was ages ago. In the academy I learned this quote that goes something like "when you hear the beating of hooves you think horses, not zebras". It has two meanings as it was presented to us. The first one is that often the obvious and logical deduction is likely to be the correct one. I don’t think you have zebras galloping around in Netherlands, so if you hear the beating of hooves in the distance your logical deduction is that you will see a horse come round that corner. Based on what you share we hear the beating of hooves, and we even might catch a whiff of horse-shit.
However… the other meaning of the quote is that MAYBE today is the day the local Safari park lost a zebra and he’s rounding the corner… Deductions are good – assumptions not so good.

But… I think it’s clear that she’s cheating and it’s only a slight question of how far it has gone. Emotional, physical, full sex… it’s details rather than the real issue.


You two are separating. Great. That is definitely one of the two ways out of infidelity. However, I want to emphasize that separation/divorce is the TERMINATION of a relationship rather than an alternative form of marriage.

Once the paper is signed you want the ABSOLUTE MINIMUM forced interaction with her. I’m guessing that due to the kids that interaction will be based around coparenting. I do hope you two become great coparents, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you need to have coffee and dinners and behave like best friends.

In the strongest of words, I warn you 100% AGAINST any financial entwinement!
If she wants the home, she pays you what your share is worth. You DO NOT finance it in any way. The idea of the loan is 100% insane and should be completely off the table. Remember: the divorce is because of trust-issues and broken commitments. Why should an unofficial, semi-illegal loan hold up any better? What happens if she doesn’t pay; can you enforce payments through the legal system? What happens if she forfeits on the mortgage; is your unofficial loan supported by a lean on the property? There are too many gaps, too much risk and too much entwinement.

If she can’t afford it and you don’t want it then sell and split the profit. If you want it pay her the fair share. DO NOT own it together in some quasi-legal, non-enforceable way. You do NOT want to go pick up your kids to see that OM has moved in and that they are going to Spain for holiday, only a day after she tells you she can’t start paying you the debt.

I share this POV from semi-personal experience. A close relative divorced his wife 4 years ago and asked for my advice regarding the division of assets. Part of the settlement was that he bought her share of their property with a cash payment. She wanted cash because she could hide it from taxes and some social benefits she was "entitled" to. Last year he sold the property and made a nice profit, only for the ex wife to pop up with an attorney demanding her share of the profit… What she had forgotten what that I had the young man require she sign a contract stating the settlement had been paid in full.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10946   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8755198
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20220905 2002-2022 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy