One year later, doing great and feeling amazing.
First things first
A little over a year ago I (m42) posted here about the infidelity by the mother (37) of my kids (8 and 10 now). I won't repeated said story completely, you can read it over there: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/658265/married-for-13-years-together-for-17-its-over-but-im-still-angry/
So the mother of my kids cheated, I found out and divorced her. During my original post I was in the process of getting divorced and finding a new home for me and my kids.
What happened next
Our divorce finalized November last year, which was ahead of schedule as we were told that the earliest possibility to be divorced would be by the end of December. We could agree on everything with the kids (both wanting 50/50 co-parenting). We aren't materialistic so the division of what we owned was easy. The only hurdle was our home. I sold my part of the ownership to her, which took some effort on both our ends and I went on looking for a new place for me and my kids.
In The Netherlands, we are experiencing a housing crisis. There isn't much to find and when a house becomes available, it's either sold or rented the next day. But eventually, I found a house that had nearly everything that I wanted (except for a garage), but in these times I could not be that picky, so I went for it and got it. I've been living there since the first of April of this year.
From the day I moved to my new place, I started feeling more peace with the situation. I realized how much stress she had been giving me for the past few years and finally living somewhere without her changed everything. I had already started therapy when I was still living with her and I kept going in my new situation. But after a few sessions it became clear that I didn't need it anymore.
The week after getting my new place, I had to take my motorcycle exam (I started with lessons the year before) and I passed. So soon after, I bought my first motorcycle.
How are the kids
The kids love their new place. They have a nice room, for both I created a huge wall painting of their choice (Zelda/Link for my son, an anime character for my daughter).
We live in a very new house (build 3 years ago) and there are playgrounds all around us. They love playing outside when they are with me, which they almost never do in their old home. They haven taken the divorce better than I expected. They are happy, they adjusted to this new normal.
In the summer we went to Disneyland Paris for 5 days. The kids had the time of their lives and so did I. I remember this as the first time I missed a partner to enjoy it with. The first time I considered finding someone.
I barely think about their mother or AP. When I interact with her, I smile, joke and make small talk. I don't let her know my true feelings about her. But she isn't on my mind that much. We see each other on Fridays during the 'kids exchange'. We sometimes chat on whatsapp if we need something (related to the kids), but other than that, she doesn't occupy my mind. AP I avoid as the plague. I don't want to interact with him and I make sure I don't have to.
A new normal
A few months ago, not long after moving to my new place, I woke up happy and relaxed. This feeling was weird at the time and I assumed it was temporary, but after a few weeks, still the same. Now months later, still happy and relaxed. So I've accepted this as my new baseline.
After returning from the summer holiday, I joined a dating app and within 2 days I had set up a first date with someone. While I did enjoy the date, I didn't feel a romantic connection so it didn't go anywhere. However, when I posted about that date on reddit, I was contacted by a woman from the UK. Chatted with her for about a month and she convinced me to visit her. I stayed with her for 3 days and nights and this is the first time in 2,5 years I was intimate with someone again. And again, and again. We tried the long distance thing for another month, but it became clear that we had very different expectations from each other. I was in a happy zone and in peace with my past, she was very much not in peace with her past and tried to rely on me for her happiness, which I didn't want on my shoulders. So I ended it with her a few weeks ago. It was a good experience and if anything, I learned that I have enough love to give.
As much as I enjoyed intimacy, and someone wanting to be with me again, I'm not in any rush to find a new partner. If it comes my way, it will come my way. I'm making new friends, enjoying new hobbies and I really enjoy my life again. When the kids are here, I make sure they have the best time of their lives. They are doing great at school, they have fun and they feel loved, which is my number 1 priority. When the kids are with their mother, I enjoy my social life, which I didn't have when married because of my exes job. So one year later, I lost my anger, I am happy again and I see nothing but good for the future.
7 comments posted: Monday, October 30th, 2023
Married for 13 years, together for 17. It's over but I'm still angry
I'm new here and I think I'm here to vent, and maybe seek a medium to talk to people who have experienced the same. Someone on reddit told me this was a good place to talk. Side note, I'm from the Netherlands, you will likely to see some errors in my grammar and use of words, now you know why.
Just call me Pesto, I don't need my soon to be ex partner reading my stuff so I'll keep my name private if thats ok. I'm now 41 years old. When I was around 25, I broke with my group of friends because they started to use drugs heavily, and I didn't want to be part of that. I moved away and not long after I met my wife at my previous job. She started as an intern, and the moment I saw her, I fell in love. And so did she. It wasn't long before we started dating and getting into a relationship. It was great. I had girlfriends before, but never had I connected so much with someone like her.
We were happy, we married, bought an appartment together, had 2 kids. Life was great. What you should now, is that because of my wifes job, she worked a lot of evening and nightsshift and when the kids were born, these increased a lot. This way, I could take care of the kids in the evenings and weekends, and she'd be there during daytime when I was working. We had decided this together and we both could work with that. But there was this little issue, of us being apart from eachother a lot. She had her free time when the kids went to school, but in my free time, I always had to be home for the kids, resulting in no way to meet new people, new friends, as I still didn't have friends after moving away from the old group. In the meantime, she was making lots of colleague friends, male and female, and she had time to hang out with them, when the kids were at school.
Fast forward to about 1,5 years ago. We have been married for a decent amount of time. Purchased a new home we could grow old in a few years prior, 2 lovely kids, daughter and son. My wife met a new male colleague friend and started hanging out with him. At the start of that new friendship, she had an evening off, so did I, but she said she was going to get some coffee with. And I have always let her have her freedom. Never thought anything off her friendships. But this guy, just felt there was something wrong. It must have been a good coffee that had to be freshly brewed, because she didn't come home till pretty late in the evening. I had felt it in my stomach. Something was wrong. When she came home, I asked her, did you cheat with him. She was very calm and tried to assure me that she would never cheat on me, she loved me and wanted to grow old with me, we had kids, a house, she would never do anything like that. And somehow, I believed her. I had nothing but my gut feeling. And she told me he had a girlfriend, so I had nothing to worry about. I'm just seeing things.
From then on, she didn't go to his house anymore, but invited him over our place. We played boardgames together, had meals together. He often watched our kids when I had an appointment with my wife. The longer time went on, the more often he was here. Because of Corona, our job changed to 'work from home' only. We have a pool in our backyard, I would come downstairs from my home office and see him laying on my sunbed in his swimmingtrunks, my wife next to him in her bikini, the kids playing in the pool.
My wife didn't want to have sex with me anymore, blamed my stamina, blamed her headaches, said she was tired. But she did started shaving her private area all the time, which before she did only every now and then. When she came back from working longer than normal (overtime she said), she first went to shower. Or went to shower before work, but wear her matching underwear under her uniform when she had to start 'early'.
I burried my head in the sand for 1,5 years, while that guy was working his way into our family.
Until a bit over 3 weeks ago, my grandmother had died and the day of the funeral, he was watching our kids. My family asked if we wanted to stay over drinks and dinner after the funeral, but my wife wanted to rush home. When we got home, she started drinking, and so did he. I had maybe 2 drinks in total that day, because I wanted to stay sober. When the kids went to bed, we went to sit in the backyard. At some point he asked my wife 'lets go in the pool'. So my wife gets in her bikini, gets in the pool, and he said, 'I don't have my swimmingtrunks with me' and went in the pool naked.
This is when I woke up out of my 1,5 year emotional coma. And suddenly realised everything I had been blocking.
I said, "Its time to go to bed". After which he asks "Is this my cue to fuck off?" to which I responded, "Oh, should I fuck off instead so you can have alone time with my wife?"
He left, my wife acted all surprised. I told her to go to bed, she was drunk, and we'd have a talk tomorrow. The day after is when I told her I want a divorce. She cried, I cried. I cried like never before. For the first time, I talked to my sisters, my brother and father about how the last 1,5 years have been for me, and all the things that had happened. I cried so many tears, I feel dried out.
There have been much more red flags than I have mentioned here, but everyone I have told my story to (my family, because they are all I have), are certain she cheated. Just today she said she was going to visit a female friend. But somewhere during her visit at her 'female friend', I receive an email from the motorgear shop that they have exchanged a male motorcycle pants using my company discount. So she's been spending the entire day with him, lying to me that she is with a female friend. Ofcourse she didn't realise that every time my company discount is used, I receive an email.
Well, we've been arranging everything with a mediator as soon as I could get in touch with the one I wanted. I'm in the process of arranging everything that needs to be arranged. Selling the house, finding a new place. Making sure we get 50/50 coparenting. And for the first time in a long time, probably even longer than the 1,5 years she has been cheating, I see a future for myself that contains more happeniness and love (besides the love I receive from my kids ofcourse).
If you've gotten this far in my story, thanks for reading :D
66 comments posted: Tuesday, September 20th, 2022