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Newest Member: weirdsituation

Just Found Out :
She is cheating and i knew it

Topic is Sleeping.

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:21 PM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

Am I the only one outraged that the wife invited her AP to the wedding?

That alone would probably prevent me from R.

I’m just saying………

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13543   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8754649

Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 8:38 PM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

That and texting him after having sexual on the honeymoon. Geeez.

She is def just using this guy.

posts: 144   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8754653

DictumVeritas ( member #74087) posted at 8:40 PM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

Am I the only one outraged that the wife invited her AP to the wedding?

That alone would probably prevent me from R.

I’m just saying………

No, TheFirstWife, you are not alone in that outrage. It shows disrespect from the very beginning and thus the advice to seek annulment. This marriage is a scam that only happened for the OP. The wayward here may have had a Wedding, but she failed to ever begin the marriage. There is simply deceit and that deceit is best annulled if at all possible.

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 285   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
id 8754655

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 9:02 PM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

I couldn't even think about R if I were you. You say that's what you want.

I just want to say I'm very sorry this has happened to you. It's sucks to have had your wife lie to you since before day one of your marriage.

Sending strength.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2494   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8754658

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 11:46 PM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

Brother I'm sorry you're here but I hope you realize your M is a farce, do yourself a favor and end it now, your WW has already admitted she is in love with OM, and if you believe they haven't had sex just because she told you so, well think again, why would you believe an unrepentant cheater and liar ?, but that's besides the point, just file for D and have her served, and don't forget to DNA the child just in case.

posts: 2738   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8754676

LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 11:58 PM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

I wish you didnt have to find yourself here, I now you're going through a very personal hell.
Also I am sorry but I agree with everyone here that your marriage is a farce.
You lost that battle before you even knew there was one. By inviting her AP to your wedding and texting him on the night of your honeymoon, I have to state she literally has no respect for you and I WOULD question the DNA of that baby. Otherwise you do NOT know its yours.
I hope you have a bit more respect for yourself than your spouse clearly did.

posts: 134   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8754677

SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 4:48 AM on Saturday, September 10th, 2022

Hi OP, sorry you're here.

But i really think she could come back to me.

Then you win the booby prize.

She just can't decide what she wants right.

She needs time and space.

OP, she's your new bride and of course you feel loyalty and love towards her as any normal, new husband would. And you posted here for support and not to be beat up.

I'm telling you though, she sounds like a complete flake. Married a month and can't decide what she wants and needs time and space?

Trying to build a married life with a woman whose judgement is to behave like this ^, you're looking at a lifetime of tears ahead of you.

Use this period of her time and space to take a loooooong look at who she is and what being married to her could entail.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 4:50 AM, Saturday, September 10th]

posts: 531   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8754700

DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 12:37 PM on Saturday, September 10th, 2022

This is so tragic and Im sorry.

She is a deceitful cheater. Nothing new as cheaters go, BUT, to do so while moving forward with a wedding AND inviting her fellow adultery partner to your wedding is an elite level of shitty.

"I am not sure. I think if I inform the wife and they split then I am driving him into her arms. Even if i get divorced, i don't want this guy dating my EX-W then. I don't want him to be a dad to my son. But i also think she has a right to know. Maybe I can do it when this all blows over. Maybe he tells his wife next week. I am just now focused on my problem and not on the problems of his marriage."

I want to challenge your thinking here. You are deeply enmeshed with your cheater and I get it, you've been with her for years, but here's the thing. You have NO control over what she did, is doing, and will do, and you never did. Telling the OBS is a stand alone rightful decision. She deserves to know, period. Tell her because its the right thing to do.

I was going to say the same as LWS:

You lost that battle before you even knew there was one. By inviting her AP to your wedding and texting him on the night of your honeymoon, I have to state she literally has no respect for you and I WOULD question the DNA of that baby. Otherwise you do NOT know its yours.

I hope you have a bit more respect for yourself than your spouse clearly did.

I agree with all in this post.

Please get yourself a copy of "No More Mr Nice Guy," read it and internalize it. You need a 1000mg shot in the arm of self-worth-boosting-self-confidence right now.

Strength to you now sir.

Edited to add: Gently, DNA testing your child is not just for you, its for your child and establishing their family medical history without doubt. With her history, the question of male parentage DOES exist and would be wise and necessary to confirm IMO.

"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

posts: 192   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8754706

 Briiix (original poster new member #80894) posted at 4:20 PM on Saturday, September 10th, 2022

So about the APs wife. They are in a christian community. And my parents know people in this community.

And my mother told them and they will talk to her and tell her that her husband is cheating.

They have all the information and my mother thinks it is better when her community tells her and they can help her get over this.

It won't be easy for her.

Today I moved out of our flat. It felt really really bad. I am so angry at her. I thought i had my whole life figured out.

And now im back at my parents. And dont know what to do. I haven't eaten in 4 days. I can't imagine a life without my "wife" right now.

And i try to go no contact th her. But we got the kid on the way, we have a dog, and some other stuff we need to figure out (moneywise). So there will be contact. And if I ask about the dog it automatically leads to more personal texts. I am aware that it is better to have aboslute no contact with her. She will be really miserable in the empty apartment. And one part in me wants to be there for her and comfort her. But another knows, that she has to feel how life is without me. I am just not strong enough right now, to not contact her.

Also thanks for all the kind words. Yesterday i had a therapy session and was told basically the same. I need to leave/distance my self from her and really need to think if I even want this M.

[This message edited by Briiix at 4:22 PM, Saturday, September 10th]

posts: 3   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2022
id 8754724

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:39 PM on Saturday, September 10th, 2022

I'm sure your mom meant well,but that's a horrible idea. How humiliating it will be for that poor woman,when she finds out everyone knows her husband cheated. How everyone knew,but her. Tell your mom to stop that. You need to be the one to tell her.

Please. Please get a paternity test.

His child was born,at the same time yours was conceived, and you think he was home at that time? This is your basis for thinking this child is yours? You are projecting. You know where you would be after the birth of your child. You have zero idea as to where he was. And..people leave their house. Work,run to the store,etc.

She will not be lonely in that apartment. She will have freedom to message,amd send pics to her boyfriend. Stop feeling sorry for her. She's taking advantage of it.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 5893   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8754729

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 6:35 PM on Saturday, September 10th, 2022

I need to leave/distance my self from her and really need to think if I even want this M.

Sorry to be blunt but again, What M ? You married your WW while she had a boyfriend on the side, you were in a one-sided open M without your knowledge or consent, she was lying through her teeth when she pronounced those "vows" to you, moreover she even had her boyfriend there. Even to this day she's not even sure she wants the "M", please heed the advice and get rid of her, also the DNA test is a must under your circumstances, you need to distance yourself from her as much as possible and keep interactions to a minimum, contact a D attorney immediately and begin the next chapter of your life, once again get an STD/STI test done immediately.

posts: 2738   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8754735

RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 9:04 PM on Saturday, September 10th, 2022

I agree with everyone here. You’re getting excellent advice that needs to be seriously considered.

Understandably, totally understandably, you are stuck in place. Stuck in place like place settings on a table after the table cloth has been yanked out from under you. You are stuck in your former life, on your former track, with the emotions you developed for the woman you THOUGHT you had, your former wife. She is currently not your wife, never was. She’s a wife on a document and maybe the mother of your child, but nothing else in reality.

You’re in shock right now and that is to be expected. Your brain has been literally stunned like something has detonated right in your face. You’re going to be confused, unfocused, afraid, indecisive, immobilized and flooded with adrenaline. You’re not going to hear or understand us for awhile, and that’s ok. That’s natural.

Bear with us. Take your time. Your mind and body will begin processing.

You will then become desperate to fix this. You will go into a futile rescue mode scrambling about trying to pick up the pieces. This is part of the bargaining phase of grieving. You’re grieving the loss of what you THOUGHT you had, your perceived reality, before that illusion was suddenly pulled out from under you and reality punched you in the face.

The reality is, you can’t make her properly love you as a spouse should. You can’t fix this. You can’t control her or the desired outcome and, you don’t want to. Only SHE can save the marriage. It’s completely out of your hands.

Then, or concurrently, you’re going to be in denial. Denial is another phase of grieving. While you’re in denial you will be absolutely susceptible to manipulation, gaslighting, minimization, love bombing, sex bombing, false proclamations of fidelity and love and, empty promises. You’ll desperately and irrationally grab on to any signs of hope to escape this nightmare and get back to your former ill-perceived reality and resume the illusion, the illusion she created and no longer sustains.

So, what to do? You’re body is coursing with adrenaline to fight or take flight. Don’t fight for her or the marriage. You fight for you and the love of thy self. You stay committed to you and a healthy relationship with yourself. You fight for your dignity.

When you begin to recompose yourself and think straight again, use this adrenaline to some constructive purpose. Use it to control YOUR outcome, YOUR personal agenda-which should be to get yourself out of infidelity. Not to control her or the marriage.

Start planning your new future, a future without her. Talk to an attorney. Use the 180 to protect yourself from manipulation. Gather your support forces. Circle the wagons. Work out all the logistics (housing, separation of assets and property, etc) and…

Please bear with me here, hear me out on what I’m about to say. File for divorce.

Yes, begin divorce proceedings. Divorce proceedings, by design, are a stepped, phased, prolonged process that will provide your WW plenty of opportunities along the way to get her shit together and convincingly, via actions, recommit to the marriage. And you, will have plenty of time to analyze her efforts and make an informed and well considered decision to proceed, or not, with the divorce.

Filing for divorce creates momentum and inertia to set you on a progressive course, safe from misdirection and resistance, out of infidelity.

This is where your energies should be focused right now. This will be the most effective and healthful actions you can take at the moment to effect the best outcome possible under the circumstances that have been forced upon you.

If your WW is sincerely interested in saving this marriage, this will compel her to take action and will provide her with all the opportunity to do so.

Take Care

posts: 1213   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8754745

LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 10:55 PM on Saturday, September 10th, 2022

I need to add one thing from my past with my exww.

She had an affair, though I know it was happening when she was pregnant, to this day I still dont know if it started before that. Let me tell you, you NEED to do a DNA test. Nothing has ever bothered me as much as wondering if our son was mine. I did NOT just turn a blind eye to the fact that it COULD have been his. Which is what you are doing right now.

I dont mean that as a slam, but there is a part of you that seems to prefer to dance around a reality that you are trying to avoid seeing. I was lucky our son did turn out to be mine, you should want that peace of mind for yourself.

Right now, until you know for sure you shouldnt strictly see it as "We have a baby on the way". You should also balance that with "They may have a baby on the way" or "She has a baby on the way". I can see you wanting to think "We" have a baby on the way because accepting that it may not be yours will hit that part of you that thinks she still/truly loves you (In my case the affair said she didnt love me and that was that for us). Many people don't like that final nail in the coffin thing.

Been there done that dude. Take care of yourself and know you'll be fine, I found the absolute love of my life after my divorce, been together 26 years and its great to know, without a doubt, that someone loves you back as much as you love them. You'll find it too.

[This message edited by LegsWideShut at 10:57 PM, Saturday, September 10th]

posts: 134   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8754753

Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 11:18 PM on Saturday, September 10th, 2022

I know it is the right thing to do, stop contacting her, but its so hard for me. It sounds weird but i love her more now, then before.

Oddly enough, it doesn't sound weird at all. I don't know what it is, or if there's even a word for it, but many betrayed spouses go through a "phase" after discovery in which they remember how much they love their spouse, and they try as hard as they can to hold on to the marriage, to "win back" their wayward spouse, even if the wayward never had any intention of leaving the marriage. Whatever is it, whatever causes this totally fucked-up reaction, it's good to see someone with the wisdom and resolve to both recognize and resist the urge. So, good luck to you, brother. Keep on keeping on!

I think you'll do yourself a favor by being a little impatient here. That is, voluntarily remaining in limbo is sort of like getting used to that knife your WW stuck in your back and waiting for her to remove it when she's ready. Personally, I don't think I'd wait 4 minutes let alone 4 weeks. That's just me, of course.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 11:20 PM, Saturday, September 10th]

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6697   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8754755

Western ( member #46653) posted at 12:30 AM on Sunday, September 11th, 2022

she is cheating one month into marriage. What is there to figure out ? Annulment is very easy at this stage.

What are you waiting for ???

posts: 3608   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2015   ·   location: U.S.
id 8754763

LIYA13 ( member #62026) posted at 11:00 PM on Sunday, September 11th, 2022

No one has said this yet....but there is more than 1 day for conception. So even if you had sex 3 times on the calculated day of conception...that may not have been the actual day of conception. Theres actually a window of opportunity to fall pregnant. Sorry to burst your bubble.

Please dont be so naive and take the advice these amazing people have been giving you. Find out if you really are the father of the child. Its better now then when you start having doubts later on in life. You owe that much truth to yourself even though everything else seems to have been a 'lie' in your life.

posts: 231   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8754863

GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 11:15 PM on Sunday, September 11th, 2022

Want to know why she can't make up her mind?

Bc she's waiting for him to make up his mind. If he leaves his wife for her, you will be history. If he stays with his wife, you're the backup plan.

posts: 2837   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8754867

NotInMyLife ( member #67728) posted at 1:25 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

A Non-Invasive Pre-natal Paternity Test really should be your first priority. You can't take anything at face value right now, confirm that the baby is yours before you make a major emotional investment.

posts: 172   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2018
id 8754874

Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 2:38 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

You really need to read all the post but especially GoldenR’s post again.

She is not clearing her head. She is trying to get him to leave his wife.

With your win her back mindset she will just continue the affair even if she comes back.

You deserve better than this.

Please at least do the self improvement stuff and make sure you are telling your counselor everything you told us.

I can’t believe they would know what you told us and not tell you to get a paternity test.

You have to get one. You have no choice. It would not be in the best interest of the child to have doubts or to be growing up in an unstable marriage with a cheating wife. While all children should have a stable two parent home that is not the goal at all cost.

There are lots of reasons it would be better to have separate homes.

You do not want to be stuck raising and bonding not to mention financially supporting another man’s baby.

You can either go through intense pain now (which you are already doing) you you can go through years of it and still end up where you are now except even worse.

You had better believe as bad as shape as you are in now it can get much worse.

This is not going to get any easier if you go down the path you are choosing 2 months, 2 years or 10 years from now.

More responsibilities, more kids, more financial ties, more family bonding and boom he gets kicked out next year and your wife leaves you then.

Please make sure the wife is informed. I don’t care how you do it as long as it’s done.

I know you are hurting but you have got to stand up for yourself and take action. She is not in charge you are. You don’t need to win her she is not the prize.

She betrayed you. She need to win you back.
You don’t understand until you have that mindset she does not respect you. Since she does not respect you she is not attracted to you.

A lot of the reason she loves him is because he won’t leave his wife. She is trying to win him. She is ass backwards. She is not logical she is emotional. It’s very clear what is going on. You can’t see it clearly because your feelings are overwhelming your logic.

He told her he loved her so she is taking this time to see if he will finally leave his wife. Unfortunately it sounds like you have been the side relationship this whole time while her heart was with him.

If he doesn’t she may come back. But because you are begging you will have no leverage. If she did come back she would have to quit her job, cut out all mutual friends, change her number, delete him off all social media and give full transparency to all her devices. But you have no leverage and she has no real investment so she won’t do it.

Since she won’t do it and she is still sticking to the we have not had sex… (bullshit). She will resume the affair and keep fighting for him. Of course she will. You won’t kick her to the curb so she has you for safety while she Pursues him.

Get a lawyer tell him everything about the paternity doubts. I bet he tells you to get one.

Also you never had a real wedding or honeymoon. These things that are supposed to be some of your happiest memories will now always bring you sadness.

You deserve for these to be great fond memories.

Get a divorce, work on your self. If you want to try and date her again (you shouldn’t) go back to dating. If she proves herself safe after several years maybe you can try again.

You deserve a real marriage. You are worth it.

Again you should walk away and never look back (unless the kid is yours). If it’s yours that will require different advise.

You are stuck and while it is understandable why you feel that way (again you are actually experiencing a real trauma) it’s not ok to do nothing.

You have to get a divorce. You have to get a paternity test. You have to practice self improvement so you are confident enough to meet someone else and not be dependent on her. These are not optional.

Wishing and fighting for her are not going to work. It may work in the short term but you are in for a world of future hurt.

Ironically if you took a stand, got the divorce, told his wife, got the paternity test, walked away, blocked her number, and improved your self and met somebody else at a minimum her respect for you would improve. Ironically her attraction would increase as well.

Please take care. At least calling an attorney and talking to them about divorce and paternity won’t change the situation you are in for now. At least try to do the baby steps while you are in this holding pattern.

posts: 144   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8754879

rambler ( member #43747) posted at 5:10 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

Golden is correct. You need to file for your rights and protection. Once OBS is notified he will dump your wife. He is not going to give up his kids to raise yours.

You lack of action will do nothing but empower your wife. Your wife has made it very clear he is choice number one. Protect your rights.

making it through

posts: 1401   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8754890
Topic is Sleeping.
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